For many of us, email spam is the bane of our internet existence. Dick drugs, replica watches and college degree offers all sound great but I have a really hard time believing that there are horny teens out there just waiting to talk to me. But what if they're real? What if those offers that sound too good to be true really are true? If you're like most people, you'll probably never know thanks to blacklists and spam filters. What if you're not like most people? What if you're like me? Then your parents probably drank while they were pregnant with you.

As a bastion for truth in advertising and internet journalism, I set out to find out what is really going on with those spam offers. Well, that's sort of a lie. I don't really care about the truth -- I just want to bullshit with these people and see how over the top I can be before they stop responding. Surprisingly, spammers have very little patience.

Join us below as my alter ego, Roger Garrison, decides to take up one company on their job offer and promise of fast riches.

From: Julio Farris [ycgdi@blckdiamond.com]
Subject: New opportunities for you - today!

New opportunities for you - today!
Income Technologies invites you to cooperation.
You are responsible and accurate,
You are from 20 till 60 year,
You have free time (1-4 hours daily)
This is your chance:
No financial risk!

Contact us, your job is waiting for you!

Just send us your email and we will explain everything to you!

Heres is my personal email: spyratoschristine121@gmail.com

Sounds legit enough, right? I mean, what's the harm? They clearly state that there is no financial risk. I'd be an idiot not to jump on this offer.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: spyratoschristine121@gmail.com
Subject: Re: New opportunities for you - today!

Hello,

My name is Roger Garrison!

I have been unemployed for the past three months after there was an incident in the office where I might or might not have had a fifth of Jack before a quarterly financial meeting and possibly threw my boss through the window. What was I supposed to do? He wouldn't stop passing gas.

Anyway, I received the email you sent to me offering a great new opportunity and I can't tell you how excited I am to learn more.

Let me lay out some of my qualifications:

1. I have never refused an invitation to cooperation. In fact, I welcome cooperation with open arms (unless you're Muslim, LOL).

2. I am EXTREMELY responsible and accurate. I am so much so that I would like to point out that you ended your sentences with a comma instead of a period. BAM! How's that for accurate?

3. Definitely 20 till 60 year. I'm 34 and lonely.

4. I'm staying with my mom right now and even though she's lazy and doesn't do anything around the house, I don't either and I don't care how much she asks me to help out. So I have plenty of free time (15-20 hours daily!)

5. I don't want to miss my chance!

Please provide me with more information on this great opportunity. I am extremely enthusiastic and will work extra hard to prove to you that I am the right person for the job.

Holla back at your boy!

Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

Now, I will admit that I don't get a lot of responses back after my initial emails. As much as I try and contain myself, it's just so easy to be over-the-top and obviously fake. But, to my surprise, the good people at Income Technologies know a winner when they see one and they replied back to me with more information about the job. I'll admit that it's a long read but worth it. Bonus points if you can figure out what the job actually is. (I read it over three times and got nothing.)

Subject: Income Technologies
From: support@income-technologies.com
To: roger@4kb.com

Greetings !!!

More information about this job.

Income Technologies faced the problem of receiving payments from our clients a year ago because of the new Visa, Amex and MasterCard policies that minimized the limits for online payments. Direct transactions to company's bank accounts were an effective way to work in our local market. But at that time the number of our foreign clients decreased. In a large number of deals we could not
satisfy our customers in time, because we start working on the order only when the money is available on our corporate bank account and this process could take as much as from 3 to 5 days. So our clients had to wait more than a week to get merchandise.

We used to try some alternative payment systems. We have opened some accounts in various electronic payment systems and started receiving fast money transactions. But most of our customers still prefer to use direct bank transactions, because they are much more convenient for them.

So we decided to create some new bank accounts in other countries where we got a lot of existing clients. But according to the laws of many counties we should have to register a new local company before opening a bank account. It was not a big problem to our company but we had to spend a lot of time and money for getting all the necessary documents and permissions. Besides the difficulties mentioned above in some countries we have to open an affiliate office also making the business unprofitable for us. We refused the idea with new bank accounts opening in all the necessary countries and decided to solve
the payment problems establishing the network of regional funds managers in the countries with a perspective market.

A lot of online businesses have been successfully using their networks of agents for a long time. Such networks helped them to increase the number of online operations and overall turnover. The main idea of using the help of regional funds managers is that we offer our customer, for example from Australia, to pay for plasma TV-set directly to the bank account of our funds manager in the same country. The client makes the payment and during 24 hours the funds are available on the manager's bank account. The funds manager receives his fee and remits funds to the company after confirming the receiving. So we have got an opportunity to receive money during 24 hours in each country where Income Technologies has funds managers and to send plasma TV-sets, digital goods to our clients even in 2 days after the order.

Now Income Technologies has got its own network of funds managers in the countries of Western and Central Europe, North America, Australia, New Zealand and Middle East. Also as Internet technologies have fast progress we have some new countries where the number of clients increases. Of course before starting the funds managers' recruiting campaign in a new country our lawyers make a big work studying legislation of that country because we have to be sure that it is legal to have our agent in the country and we start working only if
there is no need to pay any extra taxes for such activities.

Is this a profitable business?

Funds manager's fee is 5 from the successfully transferred payment. The fee can be retrieved after the money is available on the manager's bank account. Also all the expenses connected with money transactions to our representatives are paid by our company. There is that number of regional managers in each country so that on each of the managers could handle 3 transactions per week. It makes easy for our agents to earn good money without any overstrain.

The additional requirements for this job:

1. You can combine it with your main job. For example, you can make the transaction during your lunch time.
2. Your education or job experience does not matter to us. We demand only full legal age.
3. Making this kind of job takes a short time. One transaction takes on average from 1 till 3 hours according to the distance to the nearest branch of your bank.
4. We demand the only knowledge and possibility for using e-mail and to calculate your fee correctly.
5. It is simple to get this job. You must have good credit and no criminal records.
6. Due to the fact that you receive your wages immediately depending on the volume of transactions, you can choose the number of transactions you would like to receive yourself, if there are extra transactions besides the number which we demand. Also if you have got any problems which prevent you from making the transactions for some time (you are going to a vacation, fell ill or you are involved in your main job activities), you can just inform us about it and confirm the exact date when you'll be ready to receive the payment again or just let us know when you are ready and we will continue our cooperation.

But at the same time you should know that each incoming transaction has to be resent according to our instructions within 12 hours after the money is available on your bank account.

If you delay the transaction for more than 12 hours without any serious reason (if it is so you have to inform us beforehand) you will not receive any fee for that payment. In the case of second delay we'll stop any business relations with you.

Please notice that each funds manager has an opportunity to increase his fee by finding the new clients. The funds manager will receive a fee of 10 of the dealing sum from each involved customer. Also each agent has 12 discount for all our propositions.

How to apply to get this job?

Send us an email with brief information regarding your person:

1. Your full name:
2. Home phone number:
3. Cell phone number:
4. Work phone number:
5. Your country:
6. Your city:
7. Your contact email(s):
8. Your contact icq(s):

To learn more, visit our Web site
income-technologies.com

Best regards
Income Technologies

Sounds like one sweet-ass job. Roger fires back at them with some more questions and proof that he is the right man for the job.

Subject: Re: Income Technologies
From: Roger Garrison [roger@4kb.com]
To: support@income-technologies.com

Hello Income Technologies,

I really appreciate you getting back to me in a timely manner. As I mentioned previously, I have been looking for more ways to increase the size of my revenue since being laid off from that Fortune 500 company for copulating with a broomstick during office hours. (I'm also looking for ways to increase the size of my you-know-what, so if you have any contacts or information in that department, great!)

I read over what you sent me but, unfortunately, I have a few more questions before I can really jump into this thing full swing. Hopefully this won't affect my application process!!!

Questions for Income Technologies:

1. You mention plasma televisions a lot in your email below. I was recently diagnosed with Ophidiophobia, which is the fear of things containing plasma. Like, I can't walk past a Circuit City or I just start throwing up. Do you deal exclusively in televisions or was that just some kind of example? I hope it was an example because Australians and plasma televisions are the stuff of nightmares.

If I don't have to ever see the television, that's OK.

2. I don't have a passport, so let me know if any kind of travel is required. My last job required me to travel all of the time and I got sick of driving my car across the Atlantic Ocean. It doesn't float or anything so I would have to drive really, really fast or it would sink.

3. I have a hard time defining the terms you mention a lot below. Specifically, fund managers, clients, zookeepers, and regional agents. Can
you provide more information as to what these terms mean and how they apply to me working for Income Technologies?

4. I eat a lot of Asian cuisine. Would this be a problem?

So, like I said, I am super excited about learning more about this job opportunity and I hope my questions were OK. One time, I got into a lot of trouble after I responded to a lot of personal ads saying that I was a serial killer so I know how my mouth can get me into trouble sometimes.

But in hopes of swaying your judgment, I would like to further respond to your mention of the additional requirements for the job just to show you how extra qualified and dedicated I am to working with you on this!

Answers to Income Technologies Statements About Additional Requirements:

1. As I mentioned above, I am unemployed which means that I would like to make Income Technologies my main job. Also, I would refuse to take lunch so that I would have more time to make transactions.

2. Trust me, babe, my age is nothing but full and legal. Also, I dropped out of the 8th grade because I got addicted to huffing paint. All of that is behind me now. Go Income Technologies!!

3. I actually live about a block away from the nearest branch of my bank. Plus there is one at the grocery store too next to the Starbucks. You might have seen it if you go shopping by the fruit isle. Next to the DVD kiosk thing. So, which one should I choose? Do you think it would still take the full three hours to get there? I can always walk and manage the transaction in person because I am a real go-getter and also not fat like Craig, my next door neighbor.

4. I love email! I also love calculating fees! I damn near orgasm when an email
comes in where I am forced to calculate fees. Sign me up!

5. I am willing to provide copies of my awesome credit report as proof if needed. Also, I am allergic to anything illegal, so you have no worry about my criminal record. (I also avoid Mexicans when at all possible because they sometimes have the Ebola virus.)

6. I appreciate this flexibility you provide. One time I did "fell ill" at my old job and my boss came over and punched me in the throat. Man, that hurt. But Income Technologies sounds like a much better place to work than my old job at the car wash.

I love income! I love technologies! I LOVE INCOME TECHNOLOGIES!

Please, for the love of God, get back to me ASAP concerning the questions above. Please also read over my additional qualifications and let me know if I look like I might be a good match for employment. I'm tired of my mom bitching at me for not bringing any money into the house. She's a hooker -- what does she know anyway.

Once you give me the green light, I will reply back with my application information and we can hopefully get started on our awesome new partnership as husband and wife.

Yours Truly,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

I definitely didn't expect much after that email. The only way that they could still think I was serious about the job would have been to not read a single thing I wrote. I'm not sure which category Income Technologies falls under.

Subject: Re: Income Technologies
From: support@income-technologies.com
To: roger@4kb.com

Roger ,

Please do not. We are a business that serious. The joking that you make is not welcome at us.

Discontinue this.

Income Technologies

So, my chances are pretty much done it seems. Might as well fire back one last reply.

Subject: Re: Income Technologies
From: Roger Garrison [roger@4kb.com]
To: support@income-technologies.com

To My Dear Income Technologies Friends,

Rest assured that I am no joke. I am as serious about income and technology as I am about killing my next door neighbor. I really hate that guy. I'm a black belt in Judo so I can take him.

To prove that I am serious, I have pasted below a rap song that I created for the purposes of helping sway your judgment:

Kill a hooker, beat her down,
Income Tech is the best in town.
Bust her head with a baseball bat,
Income Tech is where it's at.

And then, if I were doing this live at a concert or in my garage, I would start rocking with the crowd and getting them involved:

When I say "Income", you say "Tech"!!

And we would go back and forth like that for a while until everyone believed.

Hmm, perhaps I might be better suited in your Marketing department? I smell opportunity!

Anyway, get back to me because I have an appointment at the strip club in an hour and I'd like to go there with the confidence of a man who has a job instead of the fat loser that I am right now.

Thanks!

Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

And thus probably ends the Income Technologies chapter of this journey. I don't have any hopes that I will receive another reply regarding this. Still, it's not like I don't have another thousand offers in my inbox. Join us again soon on Spamtastic Adventures as Roger finds more ways to annoy internet strangers.

Despite all of our planet's issues and problems, there remains something to be said about strangers helping out strangers, even if those strangers exist solely to scam the other stranger out of his hard-earned money. Scamming people also hard work so who's not to say that one is more entitled to the money than the other? Certainly not me because that's some straight-up hardcore economics deep thought shit right there and it's Monday so my brain doesn't work very well right now. I do all of my financial thinking on Thursday.

Fresh off his recent denial of internet riches, my alter ego Roger Garrison is back and just as unemployed as ever. When the latest and greatest job offer passed through his inbox, he couldn't wait to jump on the application bandwagon. Desperate times call for desperate measures and this fool has like 15 kids to feed.

So, without too much more to say, let's get down to business:

From: "OXFORD FABRICS AND TEXTILES INDUSTRY LTD" [oxford.fabrica@fabrics.net]
Subject: ONLINE CLERK

OXFORD FABRICS AND TEXTILES INDUSTRY LTD

URGENT PART-TIME JOB OPPORTUNITY

My name is kelly parker a Texan working in London, I want to know if You would like to work online from home and get paid without affecting your present job .. Actually we need a representative who can work for our company as online book-keeper. : Please note you don't have to be a book keeper to apply for the job.

Kindly get back to me as soon as possible if you are interested in this

We make lot of supplies to some of our clients in the USA/CANADA,australia,spain ..etc which our staff do go to USA/CANADA to receive payment and have it cashed after we supply them raw materials. Its always too expensive and stressful for us to go down and receive such payment twice in a month so we therefore decided looking for online clerk who can work for us from the UK, USA, CANADA,HOLLAND ,AUSTRALIA, ETC. I am willing to pay you 15% for every payment received by you from our clients who makes payment through you. Just incase you are concerned about how i got to your contact, it was through the American Chamber of Commerce for trust worthy individuals,

PLEASE SEND YOUR REPLY ASAP TTESTATION relpy to oxford.fabrica@gmail.com

According to how you have been briefed earlier by a qualified representative of this establishment. You are required and mandated to receive payment on behalf of the above mentioned firm. You are to deduct 10% of all funds processed on a particular order and forward the balance payment to any of
"OXFORD FABRICS AND TEXTILES " Group regional warehouses that will be given to you later.

You will notify the company a week ahead if eventually you want to discontinue this job so as to terminate all payment coming your way to avoid conflict...

PLEASE REPLY BACK AND IF YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED, KINDLY REPLY WITH A REASON OR IGNORE THIS E-MAIL.

kelly parker

I actually took the time to re-format the above email prior to posting it here since it was an abomination of misplaced line breaks and oddly-out of place punctuation. In other words, pretty standard for a spam email. But who lets a little bad grammar get in the way of a good scam?

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: oxford.fabrica@gmail.com
Subject: RE: ONLINE CLERK

Hello Kelly Parker!

My name is Roger Garrison and it appears that luck has finally smiled on me. Late last week, I received your email below containing an offer for employment. Considering that I recently lost my job, I don't think that the timing of your offer could be better.

Let me give you some background.

I used to work for a large Fortune Cookie 500 company but due to economic downsizing in the "picking random numbers and calling them lottery picks" department, they no longer had need for my services.

Needless to say, this didn't make my wife very happy but the disappointment isn't what killed her.

She was recently involved in a terrible auto accident when the car that I was driving drove into the side of a building. Had I not manged to jump out of the car 30 seconds before that and jerk the wheel in the direction of the building, I could also have been seriously injured. Like I said, it would seem that luck is finally coming my way.

In her will, she stated that I should go out and look for another job but that I shouldn't be lazy and do it the old-fashioned way through interviews and what not. So, in accordance with her wishes, I sat and did nothing until I received your offer.

Now, I am ready to work!

Please send me the most information that you have concerning your recent offer as I am more than willing to start right away. My wife's passing has left me with a nice little inheritance, which I can use to sit at home all day and dedicate myself to working with your company.

Thank you very much and I look forward to hearing back from you soon!

Best Regards,
Roger Garrison

A soft volley with a little dead wife mixed in for sympathy. I'm fairly certain that these spammers don't read too much into the initial reply and are simply eager to fire off some kind of pre-written company info/application email but it's better to err on the side of being safe and not go too over the top. I like saving that for the second and third emails.

From: "OXFORD FABRICA" [oxford.fabrica@btinternet.com]
To: roger@4kb.com
Subject: job description and job application form

OXFORD FABRICS AND TEXTILES INDUSTRY LTD

ONLINE JOB OFFER

From: Mr BILLY GRUNER

***YOUR TASK IS TO CO-ORDINATE PAYMENTS FROM CUSTOMERS AND HELP US WITH THE PAYMENT PROCESSING***

COMPANIES PROFILE

Oxford fabrics and textiles industry ltd is a credible and reputable textiles
company in the United Kingdom . The company has been delivering and serving the entire community of Uk and other part of the world through furnishing and costuming of homes and offices with the world best furniture. We supply most of our products to different part of the world from Africa , Asia , Middle east , Caribbean etc. we produce clothing materials such as batiks, assorted fabrics and traditional costume worldwide.We also produce fabrics textiles, home wart, Ward robe , Shelves , Room dividers etc.

CONCEPT BEHIND THE JOB OFFER

The management of the company decided to create jobs for interested candidate to apply respectively into different work category. Oxford fabrics Company has an increase in demand which tend to increase the supply we carry out daily and as a result of this situation, there is a 10% increase in the sales as the year is coming to end. The management as therefore decides to increase the work force, so that the company will be able to satisfy clients faster and more efficiently. These part-time jobs are open for candidate in the united kingdom, canada, united states of America & Australia

JOBS OFFERED/VACANCY

* SALES REPRESENTATIVE [FULL-TIME]
* ONLINE TRANSACTION MONITORING OFFICER [PART-TIME]
* PAYMENT MANAGERS [PART-TIME]

JOB REQUIREMENTS

* Candidate must posses a minimum of a high school degree.
* Candidate must be more than the age of 22.
* Candidate must be conversant with the use of the internet and Microsoft word.
* Candidate must be productive and be goal oriented.

PAYMENT PLAN FOR EMPLOYEE

We pay in 3 methods, depending on any one that suit the worker, the payment are listed below.
--FLEXIBLE WEEKLY PAY.
--MONTHLY PAYMENT.
--PAYMENT BY COMMISSION.
ONLINE TRANSACTION WILL EARN 700 pounds weekly.
PAYMENT MANAGERS WILL EARN 600-800 pounds AFTER EVERY PAYMENT BY CLIENT.

CONTACT DETAILS
1. FULL NAMES....
2. HOME ADDRESS NOT PO BOX ........
3. ZIPCODE ..........
4. CITY....................
5 STATE.... .......
6 EMAIL ..........
7. PHONE NUMBER ..........
8. CURRENT OCCUPATION.....
9. Country...............

oxford fabrics (Sales and Customer Service)

Best Regards
Mr BILLY GRUNER

Copyright oxford fabrics 2008©

The copyright notice at the bottom is a nice touch but Roger is eager to fill out his application and get this job offer thing rolling. Well, not so eager that he can't fill out another three pages of bullshit before applying. That's just Roger's style.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "OXFORD FABRICA" [oxford.fabrica@btinternet.com]
Subject: Re: job description and job application form

Hello Mr BILLY GRUNER.

My name is Roger Garrison and I am pleased to make your electronic acquaintance. I received an email last week from Kelly Parker informing me of this wonderful opportunity with your company and as I stated previously, I am more than happy to help out.

First, however, I would like to apologize for taking so long with my reply. I'm not usually this behind in correspondence, especially when related to such awesome things as job opportunities. You see, I had a little trouble with my "hired help" this week. I caught them sneaking into my liquor cabinet during work hours so I beat them severely with a wooden cane that I keep around for such occasions. They didn't care for that too much and the next thing I know, immigration is involved and the whole nine yards. It took like $30,000 in bribes to keep them from shutting me down. It helps to know how to grease the wheels sometimes (not talking about masturbation here, either).

So, anyway, I am very excited about the prospect of working with you. Oxford Fabrics and Textiles Industry Ltd sounds like a credible and reputable textiles company in the United Kingdom and that just so happens to be what I'm looking for. I love the idea of costuming homes and offices and I don't even know what that means!

I see that you have offices all over the globe, so I suppose that I should mention up front that I don't have a passport. I hope that this does not immediately disqualify me from working for you. I know a few people on the street that can get me one pretty quickly if I need it. It should pass minimal scrutiny.

From your email below, you mention that you have a few positions open. Since I am completely indecisive, I have no idea which one I want. Maybe you can sign me up for all three? I can get some of my illegals who tend to my landscape in on this too. Make it a family affair. (They're not really my family but, you know, sometimes I do buy them Christmas gifts.)

So, please let me know which one I may be suited best for.

To prove that I am qualified, let me go over your JOB REQUIREMENTS one by one and we can get this party started.

* Candidate must posses a minimum of a high school degree.

- Minimum of one? I possess three high school degrees with a fourth one on the way. I also graduated from dental school in the early 90's.

* Candidate must be more than the age of 22.

- All of my friends like to say that I am 45 going on 27. Whatever that means.

* Candidate must be conversant with the use of the internet and Microsoft word.

- Let me just say that I love the word usage here. Conversant -- genius! But yeah, I can totally use Word and the internet. (Not at the same time though, since I have a really slow computer.)

* Candidate must be productive and be goal oriented.

- Hell yeah! I once finished off an entire bottle of scotch while playing soccer. I was the top scorer on my team.

Mr BILLY GRUNER, hopefully I have satiated your need to look at my requirements. There is no doubt in my mind that I am a superior choice as a candidate and you should not hesitate to let me assist your company.

I have filled out the application below, so please keep me posted on how things proceed.

CONTACT DETAILS

1. FULL NAMES: Roger "Ron" Paul Garrison
2. HOME ADDRESS NOT PO BOX: 762 Sutter St
3. ZIPCODE: 94109
4. CITY: San Francisco
5 STATE: CA
6 EMAIL: roger@4kb.com
7. PHONE NUMBER: 1 415-893-1641
8. CURRENT OCCUPATION: Day Trader
9. Country: USA

Thank you and I look forward to hearing back from you soon!

With Love,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

This is always where things get tricky. Chances are good that by now they know I'm not serious about the job. However, I did go the extra mile and actually fill out the contact form this time around. Maybe that's all they are looking for. Could this be the end of the employment saga? No.

From: "OXFORD FABRICA" [oxford.fabrica@btinternet.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: Re: job description and job application form

Hello Mr Roger

i am sorry for getting intouch with you late .. i travel out on a business trip to get some funds from canada now i am so happy you can work for our company. we have recieved your private information to our private company email ... i have attempted to reach out to you using phone but something is not working ... please advise.

Considering that I filled out the application form with only my 100% true and accurate contact information, I can't imagine what the problem might be. Let's see what Roger has to say about it.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "OXFORD FABRICA" [oxford.fabrica@btinternet.com]
Subject: Re: job description and job application form

Hello Strange Internet Man With No Name!

I was also just on a business trip to get funds from Canada. What an amazing coincidence. I wonder if perhaps we were getting funds from the same place? I hope that your trip was more successful then mine. I was in Vancouver at one of the grocery stores that they have there. I politely asked for funds and the woman refused so I started yelling "jihad" and I stabbed that bitch in the eye. Everyone knows that you better not withhold funds from Roger Garrison. That kind of shit will get you killed quick. So, if you happened upon a woman with one eye in Vancouver, then we were definitely getting funds from the same place.

Anyway, thank you for trying to contact me. Your efforts are most appreciated. I have written a letter to the company that gave me that number asking them for help. I expressed that I had a urgent need to speak to someone I didn't know and that they had better help me out.

I received their reply back today and they mentioned that I would need a device called a "telephone" stuck into my walls before I would be able to get calls from strange men. I have no idea what a telephone is but it sounds like some kind of NSA spy device designed to steal my brain cells. Ain't no way in hell I am getting ANY device like that. That black President guy can take my guns but he can't have my brain cells!

I think maybe we should keep talking over email. That way, if my dead wife comes back from the grave, she won't think that I am cheating on her because she's too dumb to know how to read stuff on the computer.

So.. anyway, just sitting here still unemployed, so if you could hurry up and hire me, I would appreciate it. I really don't think you want to upset Roger Garrison. Roger Garrison will hunt you down Rambo style. Roger Garrison sits outside of your office building wearing nothing but a head band and carrying a bow and arrow.

Please don't let it come to that.

Tastes Like Chicken,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

I have been waiting patiently but, alas, no further correspondence has been forthcoming. Will Roger Garrison ever find a job? You'll just have to stay tuned for the next episode to find out.

While this may come as a surprise to many of you, I'm not too fond of reading and never managed to make it through an entire book on business relations. Thus, despite the overwhelming success that the P.Net Corporation has brought me, I'm not really in a position to dictate what is and what isn't a proper time frame for a response when corresponding with a potential job applicant. Given this, I was apparently a little hasty in posting the last Spamtastic Adventures update and declaring that my alter ego, Roger Garrison, would continue to remain jobless. The fine people at Oxford Fabrics must have knowledge that I do not.

Less than 24 hours after I had given up all hope of employment, my application to Oxford Fabrics was accepted and an email arrived in my inbox stating confirmation of such. The ball was back in my court and I wasn't about to let this one pass me by. Let's re-join the action now as Roger Garrison faces the monumental task of trying to get fired, since he's incredibly lazy and holding any kind of job simply wears him out.

From: "OXFORD FABRICA" [oxford.fabrica@btinternet.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: job update

ASHLEY FURNITURE AND COMPANY

Office Address: 440 West 200 South, Suite 500 , SLC UT 84101
Phone Number: (858) 9520914

Thank you for your willingness to be our company coordinator we need your trust and honesty, immediate verification has been made on your address and all we require is to get an acknowledgment from you that you have received these email so that we can immediately give you commencement modalities and the tracking number which your first assignment payments from our clients will be delivered to your home on the company behave.

Mr fred staward

Copyright Ashley furniture 2008©

Success! Oxford Fabrics, a company founded on hard work and tradition has seen through all of my maneuvering for the true, qualified applicant that I am. All I have to do is reply back to this email accepting their offer and the riches will come rolling in. But, wait. Something doesn't look right and Roger has additional questions.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "OXFORD FABRICA" [oxford.fabrica@btinternet.com]
Subject: Re: job update

Hello Mr fred staward!

I absolutely love the lowercase styling of your name. So many people are caught up in the "proper English capitalization" hype and it's refreshing to know that not everyone immediately jumped on the bandwagon. I remember back in the early 1990's when wearing your pants backwards was cool. Honestly, that's just as stupid as having to hit shift AND THEN the letter you want to type out. Think of how much more free time you'd have if you didn't have to put up with that shit.

More power to you, sir!

Thank you for your willingness to be my email coordinator. I have met and spoken with so many different people from your company that sometimes it's hard to keep track. Do you know if I will be speaking with you directly from here on out or is there someone else that will be handling my account? Between you and me, I really wasn't too fond of Kelly Parker. He (She?) was all uppity; like being from Texas and working in the UK is really such a big deal. I'd like to smash that fucker in the head with a brick.

But I digress. I'm not a violent person -- it's just that my recent Quaalude addiction has started to take it's toll. You know, it's just so hard these days being unemployed. Jeremy is talking about kicking me out of the band, also. I can't believe his nerve. I'll show him when you and I start making some banging bucks with this job thing!

So, before we move on, I would like to definitely acknowledge that I have received this email and we can start up this money train. I will patiently be waiting by the mailbox for your package shipment. (What the hell are commencement modalities anyway?)

Also, I have some questions that you can hopefully clear up. If you're not the person that will be my handler, please pass this on to whomever is representing my account.

1) First, I thought that I was applying for a job with Oxford Fabrics but your email below says ASHLEY FURNITURE AND COMPANY. Is this some kind of subsidiary? If so, I totally get it. Once I start rolling in the cash thanks to your job, it might just be called ROGER GARRISON AND FURNITURE AND COMPANY. Ha ha, I'm just kidding, kind of.

2) In a previous email, it was stated that Oxford Fabrics was based in the UK. The address you list below is in the USA. Is this some kind of satellite office? If so, I love satellites. I own 20 of them and my neighbor Rex has satellite TV. Sometimes, when he makes me angry, I pee in his dish.

3) Seriously, what are commencement modalities?

Mister fred of lowercase land, if you could be so kind as to get back to me about the above questions, I am most eager to start our business relationship. I will admit that I do not like the taste of unemployment and your company (whichever one it is) has finally provided me the opportunity where I think I can really excel.

Looking forward to hearing back from you soon!

Saying Bye To The Poorhouse,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

Copyright Roger Garrison 2008©
Bringing professionalism back to email since 1996!

I think that from here on out, I am going to copyright every single one of my emails. It just seems like the right thing to do. However, I suppose it would have been too much to hope for a simple, straight reply back from these guys. You don't become a successful scam artist by answering questions!

From: "OXFORD FABRICA" [oxford.fabrica@btinternet.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: Re: job update

Dear candidate,
Greetings to you' how are you doing today and how is the wealther over there,i have been out of office for few days for a seminar in Japan so i did not have access to the internet computer to update you about the development of the first payment that should have been delivered to you in order to start working'the next payment have been reschedule to delivered to delivered before monday. i will email you the details to proceed when the payment delivered in the morning so watch out for the package and get back to me once delivery is confirmed.

Thanks for your honesty and assistant ' stay bless

Oh man, you shouldn't have done that. You wouldn't like Roger Garrison when he's angry. Or even when he's not. He's got horrible halitosis.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "OXFORD FABRICA" [oxford.fabrica@btinternet.com]
Subject: Re: job update

Dear oxford.fabrica at btinternet.com,

While I have up until this point been very congenial with you and your company and continued to remain excited at the prospect of us working together, I will admit that I am starting to have doubts about our relationship. I mean, you never call me when you say you'll call me and you stopped looking me in the eyes when we make love. Is that so much to ask for these days? Do you not find me attractive anymore?

I wrote you last time and asked a series of simple questions, all of which you either failed to answer or outright ignored. The fact that you come right out of the gate asking how I am and how the "wealther" is over here is just plain insulting. Then you have the nerve to continue on, bragging about how you just got back from spending time in Japan.

WELL, FUCK YOU.

I have a terrible medical condition that causes me to break out in hives whenever I see, hear, or think about the word Japan. That you could be so callous towards your newest employee in such a cruel manner is simply astounding. It makes me wonder how you treat the rest of your employees. I bet that instead of giving out Christmas bonuses, you simply douse the employee with gasoline and light them of fire. (I will admit that if I was running my own company, I would probably do this so if you're not doing it, don't start because I'm going to patent the idea and sue the ever-living shit out of you if you do.)

So, you're trying to tell me that you spent a few days in Japan and didn't have access to the one computer that has the internet on it? I'm not buying it. They invented that shit, you know. There are Japanese babies that have more internet in their spittle than some third world countries. Face it, you were over there getting some kind of erotic massage from a preteen dressed as Hello Kitty while watching videos on tentacle rape.

You are a sick, sick man.

Yeah, I got your damned payment. The one that was "delivered to delivered before monday." Nice wrapping job. My neighbors thought it was porno mags and now they'll probably tell my landlord. Chances are I will be evicted now because he's a total Mormon douche and he hates it when I throw all of my kinky orgy parties.

So, you can email me as many updates about developments that you want because I ain't buying. I was ready to call you Miss Jones because I thought that we had a good thing going on but I guess not. I'm probably just the next in a long line of hussies that you plan to bring over for one night stands.

Well, Roger Garrison don't play like that. Roger Garrison is about to Fed Ex you some commencement modalities all up in your face! I have studied the ways of the Shaolin monks and I am an expert in Tiger Style. Your days are numbered pal, just like my offshore bank account that contains my millions you won't be able to have. I was ready to give myself to you with no prenuptial. Kanye West warned me and I didn't listen.

I'm not saying that you're a gold digger but I am saying that you ain't getting none of this!

Still, having said all of that, I'm looking forward to hearing back from you soon because I really do miss our long talks after the sun went down and how you used to whisper periodic elements in my ear. Until then, I'll be wrapped up in my Oxford Fabric sample kit, staying warm with hope and thinking about you.

Keepin' It 75% Real,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

If this were a choose your own adventure book, chances are high that either that would have been the end of the journey, or you get to go to page 115 where you get something unexpected and then you die. Thankfully, this isn't one of those.

From: "OXFORD FABRICA" [oxford.fabrica@btinternet.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: WARNING!!!

Good day,
We just confirmed that payment that was sent to you from our customer in the US has been received and since then we havent heard from you,what's going on? Our representative said he hasnt received any transaction from you. Please if you have the money go ahead and send it right away.

If we dont hear from you in the next 24hrs,we are going to go ahead and take drastic measures by forwarding your info to the FBI to investigate you.

Regards,
Mr fred staward

Oh no, not the FBI! Whatever will Roger do!?

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "OXFORD FABRICA" [oxford.fabrica@btinternet.com]
Subject: Re: WARNING!!!

Hi fred,

It's good to hear from you again. I'm not sure which of your idiot employees contacted me last time and started bragging about his international business trips but as I mentioned in one of my original emails, I don't have a passport and frankly I find his attitude to be a little condescending. It's good to be able to speak with someone again who is a little more level-headed. Honestly, I would look into firing whoever that was that spoke with me last. It's just not good business sense. Unless that person was you. Maybe you were just having a bad day or something.

If so, I totally understand because one time I walked into my ex-boss's office and started choking him with his own belt. He didn't die or anything but he pretty much left me alone after that and by "left me alone" I mean fired me and had me arrested. But I would never do anything like that to you because we're totally cool.

Which does bring up a good point made by me just now. If we're so "totally cool" as I put it, why the hell do you have to get all "let's bring the FBI into this because you took our money and ripped us off and we're wondering why you're not a good employee" and stuff?

First of all, I did get your money but I spent it already so I don't have it anymore. Thus, I can't give it to your representative.

Secondly, the joke is on you because I live in the USA and the FBI has no jurisdiction here. So, feel free to call them all you want. Heck, you can even ask for Agent Johnson. I don't actually know him but I assume that there is at least one Agent Johnson that they can connect you to. After that, they'll all just laugh at you.

Let's just get this straight right now: Roger Garrison is his own man and he does what he wants. If you send me money orders and tell me to cash them, maybe I don't feel like doing that. (I did, though.) If you tell me to wire that cash to someone else, maybe I don't feel like doing that. (I didn't.) If you want to continue to send me money and provide meaningless instructions attached to it, that's your own damn fault. Roger Garrison is a lot of things but "bitch" is not one of them. However, "jerk" and "asshole" are. Also, "stellar employee who should totally be hired again."

So, anyway Fred, I hope we're still on for lunch next week. Your treat, of course, because I'm broke. Let me know when we can hook up again in the future and make mad cash. Well, where I make mad cash. You just get mad, it seems.

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

With Purchased Regards,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

Regardless of whether they choose to write me back further, I think that I have fully explored all possibilities with the fine folks of Oxford Fabrics. Or Ashley Furniture, whichever it really is that hired me. It's such a shame too because I really felt a connection there. Oh well, at least I get to use them as a reference on my resume because I can only assume that employment possibilities on the internet are as endless as they are fake. Until next time, my friends, this is Roger Garrison, unemployable and unashamed.

If you've been following this series, then there is probably little need for an introduction here. It's actually quite simple: People spam me, they get a reply from Roger. If they reply back to Roger, they get more replies until the idiocy is so over the top, they stop sending me emails. You get to laugh, I get to practice writing. It's win win for everyone except that one blind guy who doesn't have a computer. He probably has no idea what I am talking about or why I keep throwing empty beer bottles at his house after midnight. He'll catch on eventually.

For now, let's settle in and join my alter ego Roger Garrison on another spamtastic adventure, this one involving the wonderful people at Wingas Oil, PLC.

From: alisson@homecall.co.uk
Subject: Message From Wingas Oil Plc

Hello,

There is a Job Opening in your area.....

ADVANTAGES.
You do not have to go out as you will work as an independent contractor right from your home or Office. Your job is absolutely legal.You can earn up to $3000-4000 monthly depending on time you will spend for this Job.You do not need any capital to start.

Please email me back at GMBHWINGAS@AOL.COM for more details.

Thank You.
Michael Sasse

Regardless of what the spam message winds up being about, I generally find myself absolutely mesmerized at the random capitalization that goes on. Sure, I understand that English is probably not their first or even second language but I'm pretty sure we all tend to follow the same capitalization guidelines regardless of what you write in.

That notwithstanding, it would appear that we have yet another job offer begging for Roger's attention. What say you, Roger?

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: GMBHWINGAS@AOL.COM
Subject: Re: Message From Wingas Oil Plc

Hello Michael Sasse!

My name is Roger Garrison and I received a recent email from you concerning job openings in my area. I don't believe that we have met so your knowledge of my area and my openings make me a little bit skeptical but if you can't trust an email from a stranger on the internet to be correct, who can you trust?

Thankfully, I am also well-versed about my area and, as it turns out, there just so happens to be a number of unemployed people here looking for work. Now, I'm no gynecologist but I know a perfect match when I see one and just between us, Michael, I think I am your perfect match. (Not like in the dating kind of sense but, you know, I am a little desperate so if you want to take it there, let's talk.)

Anyhoo, I've been unemployed for about seven months now, thanks to a little "incident" at my last job. Yeah, show me where it said that over-dosing on antibiotics was against company policy. I certainly didn't see it in your little rulebook. Fascists.

I've read over your below email almost a dozen times, mostly because I have hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia (fear of big words) and it took me that many tries to get through it. But, let me tell you, I am liking some of these advantages that you outlined. While I don't mind doing the occasional dirt, staying legal is always a plus for me. I was an independent contractor once for the mob and while the pay was nice, I'm a little overweight and have trouble running from the law on most days.

Still, $3000-$4000 per month sounds like a dream come true and you won't find a harder worker around than me. Also, good looking on the no capital thing to start because I don't have any capital at all so that would be a big letdown in our new relationship if that was required.

I look forward to hearing back from you about this because I am soooo ready to work. I'm on my last pair of clean underwear and I can't afford the next load of laundry.

Looking forward to working with you!

With Love & Packing Peanuts,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

What will happen next? Will they offer us a job? Will Roger be able to change his drawers? Stay tuned to find out!

From: gmbhwingas@aim.com
To: roger@4kb.com
Subject: Re: Message From Wingas Oil Plc JOB DETAILS

Hello Again,

I am glad you are interested in this job, to my delight, I will take my time

I would be very interested in giving you a part-time paying job as a Cash representative for WINGAS Companies, in the United States/Canada, in which you could earn a lot. This job would be based on contract and commission terms and involves quite a lot of trust and honesty.This project has also been developed not to affect your present job nor bring about any form of stress but in order to help take care of those extra costs. Meanwhile, this is 100% legal and there is no start up cost required.

WINGAS GmbH is a joint venture of Wintershall AG in Kassel, the largest German producer of oil and gas, and the world’s largest producer of natural gas. The company has been active in the gas supply industry since 1990 and supplies natural gas to public utilities. The company has been active in the gas supply industry since 1990 and supplies natural gas to public utilities, major industrial enterprises and regional gas distribution companies in Germany and other European Countries via its network of pipelines that is now more than 2,000 Kilometers in length.

WINGAS is successfully using the opportunities offered by the increasing liberalization of the gas market for the sustainable expansion of its market position in Europe.

Presently, we have just been granted a funding to head a research project in Asia regarding Oil Drainage, Planning and Management and this would be commencing very soon. However, the funding is made mostly in US based money
orders or Traveler checks.

WHAT YOU NEED TO DO FOR US.
We are presently experiencing problems setting us back in the collection of payments from our US Clients. The international Money transfer tax for legal entities(companies) in Kassel is 25%, whereas for the Individual, it is only 7%. There is no sense for us to work this way, while tax for international Money transfer made by a private individual is 7%. That's why we need you! We need agents to receive payment for our oil and Gas( in Money orders, Cheque or bank wire transfers) from our clients in the US and to resend the Money to us via Western Union Money Transfer. This way we will save Money because of tax decreasing, you will not be paying any tax.

JOB DESCRIPTION
1. Receive payment from Clients.
2. Cash Payments at your Bank.
3. Deduct 10% which will be your percentage/pay on Payment processed.
4. Forward balance after deduction of percentage and pay to any of the offices you will be instructed to do so later (Payment is to be forwarded by Money Transfer).

HOW MUCH WILL YOU EARN?
10% from each operation! For instance: you receive 5000 USD via check's or Money Orders on our Behalf. You will cash the Money and keep $500 (10% of $5000) for yourself! At the beginning your commission will equal 10%, though later it will increase up to 15%!

ADVANTAGES.
You do not have to go out as you will work as an independent contractor right from your home or Office. Your job is absolutely legal.You can earn up to $3000-4000 monthly depending on time you will spend for this Job.You do not need any capital to start. You can do the Work easily without leaving or affecting your present Job. The employees who make efforts and work hard have a strong possibility to become managers .Anyway our employees never leave us.

MAIN REQUIREMENTS.
(1).18 years or older legally capable,responsible and ready to work 3-4 hours per week.
(2).You must have PC knowledge,e-mail and Internet experience (minimal).

And please know that Everything is absolutely legal, that's why you have to fill a contract!

Anyway, to get started with us is free and easy. Your commission is a constant fee that is dependent on how long you are ready to work with this Company. Your willingness to work as a Payment Representative now will help and save time so that this project can be concluded as soon as possible. Also, I can assure you that you will be insured on Health bases and housing allowance will be catered for (Effective after 1 week of Application). This is acknowledged as part of our policy. You may decline the policy offer anyway.

Below is the application form, fill it and return it if you are interested.

WINGAS GmbH COMPANIES.

Head Office.

Friedrich-Ebert-Straße 160
D-34119
Kassel Germany.
Web site: www.wingas.de
Email: GMBHWINGAS@AOL.COM

APPLICATION FORM

[removed to save space -- I didn't fill it out anyway]

(Information included in this application form is CONFIDENTIAL between you and me, and the full name and contact info should be included as it should be written on the payments being issued over to you, you should also include a valid phone number for easy contact)

ATTESTATION

According to how you have been briefed earlier by me. You are required and mandated to receive payment on behalf of the above mentioned company. You are to deduct 10% of all funds processed on a particular order and forward the balance payment via Western Union Money Transfer as I would be instructing you on receipt of my payments.

You will notify me a week ahead if eventually you want to discontinue this job so as to terminate all payment coming your way to avoid conflict.

In agreement to this kindly append signature below

……………………………………………………….....................

Michael Sasse.
Head of Public Relations.

Another job offer, another "take 10% off the top and send it back to us" scam. I'm not sure if there are any other kind of job offer scams but I sure haven't seem them.

Choice quote: "Anyway our employees never leave us." Yikes!

While these kind of spammers are always quick to send an application and ask for information, if you're at all familiar with this series, you know that Roger is more than a little hesitant to start handing over personal details with making them jump through a lot more BS. Your rebuttal, Roger?

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: gmbhwingas@aim.com
Subject: Re: Message From Wingas Oil Plc JOB DETAILS

Hello Again To You, Mr. Michael Sasse., Head of Public Relations.!

I greatly appreciate your prompt response to my last email reply to your original email message about this job offer. I wish that I could express, using words and possibly numbers, just how happy your offer has made me but I'm a product of the public school system so you can probably imagine my frustration with enunciation and geometry.

Since it's been more than 24 hours since we last spoke, I feel that I should get you caught up on what's been going on with me during this period:

1) I am still unemployed.
2) I am still very much looking forward to working with your company!
3) My trust and honesty has only managed to grow!

I would like to, again, thank you for providing me with this wonderful opportunity. You see, I haven't had the greatest of lives. I've tried and tried to get ahead but the man (and occasional woman dressed like a man) has always managed to keep me down. My inner circle of friends, all of whom are successful, laugh at me behind my back and call me Roger Nevergonnabeshit. This hurts me more than it does when I pee, which is to say quite a bit. I suppose, though, I should point out that my inner circle of friends shouldn't be confused with the amazing reggae band, Inner Circle, maker of such hits as "Bad Boys" and "Other Songs That Sound Like Bad Boys But Never Made The Charts." I love those guys and if they were my friends, that would be really awesome. I would make them sing songs to me while I was in the bathtub.

"Bad Boys, Bad Boys, what'cha gonna do?
I'm gonna get rich after I start working with you!"

But look at me prattling on like some senile racing horse. Sorry, it's just that ever since the accident, I tend to get side-tracked easily. I also really crave popcorn. I know, weird, right?

I read over the details you provided me with a keen interest at least twice with me reading some of the words upwards of three times or more. As much as I would have liked to immediately fill out the application that you provided me, I do have some follow-up questions before we move our relationship to the next level. (I hope follow-up questions are OK.. I didn't see anything in the contract telling me otherwise.)

FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS CONCERNING THE PROVIDED DETAILS:

1) You outlined that I would be receiving payments from clients -- your clients -- who work with oil and gas. I, sadly, don't know anything about either other than you shouldn't mix them but I think that was just my Grandma being racist. Is knowledge of "Oil Drainage, Planning and Management" in Asia a prerequisite for work?

2) I guess I only had one question.

However, in case you were put off by my need to use questions as a method for obtaining information, please let me outline my qualifications in regards to your posted requirements to prove my employment worthiness.

MY AMAZING RESPONSES TO YOUR REQUIREMENTS:

1) Not only am I "18 years or older legally capable", I am the most responsible and ready to work person I know. 3-4 hours a week? Try 340 hours per week!

2) I have used my spare time between jobs honing my PC knowledge. My email and internet experience is unmatched, as you can probably tell because we've been totally going back and forth via email which I learned yesterday uses the internet to travel. So, yeah.

3) You only posted two requirements but I figured that I would list another one here in the hopes that I can convince you that I am the man for the job. (Or jobs... I don't really know how many you have open.) Anyway, I can telepathically talk to cats which, depending on how far my career with you goes, may or may not be useful to you.

Again, I would like to stress that I would very much like to start working for your company but I haven't filled out the application yet because of the questions that I asked above. Also, I understand that asking in this paragraph may not be enough, so please continue reading to read the same statement over again but this time with bigger letters:

IF YOU COULD PLEASE ANSWER THE QUESTION THAT I POSTED ABOVE, I WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE TO CONTINUE THE APPLICATION PROCESS AND START WORKING WITH YOUR WONDERFUL COMPANY.

The idea of working really hard, making some money, and possibly being considered for a management position sounds like a dream come true to me. I very much look forward to your next reply and then we can get going on this "you hiring me, I work for you" thing and we'll both become rich.

Dripping With Happiness,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

I wouldn't mind being a fly on the wall when this email came through the spammer's inbox. It would answer so many questions for me. Does he know I am fucking with him? Does he even know what I wrote other than I didn't fill out the application he provided? Does he even bother to read what I write? Well, I got a reply this time, so maybe so.

From: gmbhwingas@aim.com
To: roger@4kb.com
Subject: Re: Message From Wingas Oil Plc JOB DETAILS

Hello friend,,,

our oil and Gas payment in Money orders, Cheque or bank wire transfers is to be taken by our agents from our clients in the US.After, you resent the Money to us via Western Union Money Transfer. this is 100% legal and you will not be paying any tax.!

Knowledge of only PC and mail to work for business. oil and Gas is WINGAS GmbH.

Please reply with attention to the application.

Michael Sasse.

No matter how hard I try, I can't shake the image in my head of there being one guy in all of Nigeria who happens to be sort of decent at writing English words that sounds business-y. There are lines of people out the door looking to contract his services and write up emails for their own scams. Oh Michael Sasse, I certainly will be replying with attention to the application.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: gmbhwingas@aim.com
Subject: Re: Message From Wingas Oil Plc JOB DETAILS

Hello. To. You., Mr.. Michael. Sasse.,

I would like to thank you again for taking time out of what I assume to be an extremely busy schedule of writing amazing emails to personally type me up a reply and possibly answer my question. I say "possibly" because after reading your last message, my brain had some kind seizure trying to comprehend what you meant and I totally forgot what my original question was.

However, I would like reiterate to you just how committed I am to potentially applying for this opportunity that you're offering me. I've mentioned this new job offer to a few of my friends and they're all convinced that it's some kind of scam. I told them that they were crazy (and one of them is -- Jerry lives in a mental hospital). They're probably just jealous of my future success and I am not about to let this one slip by me.

You see, the last time I passed up an offer of wealth from someone I didn't know was when Slugworth offered to buy my golden ticket. He, much like yourself, also promised me vast sums of money but I declined his offer and went on a tour of some shitty chocolate factory instead. Trust me, I am well aware of the egg on my face after that decision.

So, how do we proceed from here? I feel like I've already made it to at least second base in our relationship and I am looking to steal third with or without your consent. I printed out the application form that you sent me but my room mate has a nasty habit of masturbating farm animals in the living room and one of the horses ate it. I can't really afford to print it out again.

How about this: you've already outlined what my responsibilities as an employee would be so I think I'm just going to go ahead and start doing them. Since I don't really know any of your clients or the amount of the payments I would processing, I'm just going to start guessing numbers and send you some Western Unions minus my 10%. I'm pretty much a do-it-myselfer so I don't think I'll need much managerial oversight. I guess you can just let me know how I am doing periodically. We'll call it a "review" or something like that. Whatever. I'm not as good as you at coming up with business-speak.

I guess that's that. I'm going to get to work and I suppose that you just sit by whatever mailbox you sit by and wait for the checks to come.

Let me know if you have any questions on our new arrangement.

I'm going to choose #451 as my employee number, so I hope that doesn't conflict with anything you've already got going on. (Or, maybe if the existing employee isn't as good as me, you can change his number.) I plan on going down in the WINGAS GmbH as the best employee ever. I'm down with O.P.P.

Yeah, You Know Me,
Roger Garrison
Western Union Money Sender Guy
WINGAS GmbH
Employee #451 (tentatively)
roger@4kb.com

With Roger now set as an officially unofficial employee of WINGAS GmbH, I do believe that my job here is done. For now. As long as there is money to be made off of stupid people, there will be spam email offers. There to reply to those offers will be Roger Garrison, the people's choice for true internet justice. Don't thank him -- it's his job.

Up until this point, the spamtastic series has mostly dealt with shady offers of employment, the kind where you process fake money orders (that you think are real) and send the money to foreign countries. While this isn't the only scam on the market, it's one of the most common, the other being the good old 419 Nigeria scam.

419 scams are pretty scarce these days since almost everyone is aware of what they are and spam filters are set to specifically block them from ever being delivered. That said, it's always the rare, joyous occasion when one slips through the cracks and lands on Roger Garrison's desk. It's like the Christmas of spam. So, in the event that you haven't been able to guess, this installment is all about Roger's dealing with a Nigerian man and the promise of free money. Let's get to it.

Things started out pleasantly enough with me being informed that the UNITED NATIONS has decided to send money to everyone who has ever been scammed on the internet. Well, I once bought a broken clock off eBay so I guess I qualify.

From: "Mr. Jim Ovia of ZENITH BANK NIGERIA PLC," [un@sg.org]
Subject: ZENITH BANK NIGERIA PLC,

Attention: Your Compensation.

How are you today? Hope all is well with you and your family? You may not understand why these email got to you.We have been having a meeting forthe passed seven months which ended two days ago with the secretary to the UNITED NATIONS. This email is to all the people that has been scammed in any part of the world, the UNITED NATION has agreed to compensate them with the sum of US$ 500,000.00.This includes every foriegn contractors that did not received their contract sum, and people that had an unfinished transaction or international business that failed due to Government probelms etc.We found your name on our list and that is why we are contacting you,These has been agreed upon and has been Approved.

You are advised to contact Mr. Jim Ovia of ZENITH BANK NIGERIA PLC, As he is our representative in africa, contact him immediately for your Cheque International Bank Draft of USD$ 500,000.00.This funds are in a Bank Draft for security purpose. so he will send it to you and you can clear it in any bank of your choice.

Therefore,you should send him your full Name and telephone number/your correct mailing address where you want him to send the Draft and your occuaption to.Contact Mr. Jim Ovia immediately for you Cheque:E-MAIL.

Thanks and God bless you and your family.

contact: Mr. Jim Ovia.
E-MAIL Address:mrjjimovia.zzenithbankz@gmail.com
Phone Number: +2348099826046

Hoping to hear from you as soon as you cash your Bank Draft.

United Nations Making The World A Better Place.

Regards,
Mr. Ban Ki-MoonSecretary (UNITED NATIONS)

Since I am a very important business person where I live, I've come across many importantly official documents in my time. None have seemed more official than the email above. I'd be an absolute fool not to contact Mr. Jim Ovia right away.

From: Roger Garrison [roger@4kb.com]
To: mrjjimovia.zzenithbankz@gmail.com
Subject: Re: ZENITH BANK NIGERIA PLC,

Dear Mr. Jim Ovia of ZENITH BANK NIGERIA PLC,

My Compensation: Attention.

My name is Roger Garrison and I have been advised to contact you by Mr. Ban Ki-Moon (Secretary (UNITED NATIONS)) concerning some amounts of money that may be owed to me by the UNITED NATIONS.

I am extremely grateful that you are taking time out of what I can only imagine to be an extremely busy schedule of doing whatever it is that people in Africa do. I've watched a few shows about it on the National Geographic channel but I have a rare blood disorder that prevents me from paying attention so I didn't really glean much from the experience.

Please also pass along my thanks to the fine folks at the UNITED NATIONS who helped approve whatever it is that they call stuff that they approve. I work with many charitable organizations here in America and any compensation that I receive will certainly go to good use. We sponsor many activities here such as teaching burn victims that cigarettes aren't all bad and helping children with contagious diseases get out and be more social with the public.

However, as much as I would like to jump in and get all "yaay, let's trade money" with you, my board of directors has required me to ask a few questions before we can proceed. If you would be so kind as to aid me with answering these, we can start moving forward.

1.) You mention the amount of USD$ 500,000.00. Is this a standard payment amount from the UNITED NATIONS or is it possible that I could be expecting less money?

2.) How much is USD$ 500,000.00 in Euros? (Our accountant is German.)

3.) You mentioned that this is repayment for people that have been scammed but this whole idea sounds too good to be true. Can you reassure me that I am not being scammed again?

Again, I wanted to express my appreciation for all of your hard work at the stuff that you normally do. I'm sure you're excellent at whatever it is.

I look forward to hearing back from you regarding the questions above and once I have some answers that I can pass along to my board of people who direct, we can get this money train moving along.

Keeping Hope on Life Support,
Roger Garrison
Founder
Garrison Charitable Industries, Inc.
roger@4kb.com

For those of you who have read the prior spamtastic entries, you no doubt know that Roger loves asking questions. Unfortunately for Roger, most of his questions are never answered. So, then, you can imagine my surprise when Mr. Jim Ovia replied back with not only more information but actual attempts to answer the questions asked. Granted, he did it with all of the grace of a retarded zebra but beggars can't be choosers.

From: Mr Ovia Jim [mrjjimovia.zzenithbankz@yahoo.com]
To: roger@4kb.com
Subject: reply as soon as possible....Mr Roger Garrison

FROM THE DESK OF THE MANAGER ZENITH BANK
OUR REF/ ZBNPLC/00784/09
MOBILE NUMBER:+234-7-264-828-64.

Dear :Mr Roger Garrison .

I received the information you sent,I am very happy that you ask all this question this is the answer to your qustion:

FIRST QUESTION: YOU MUCH UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS A STANDARD PAYMENT FOR THE PEOPLE THAT HAS BEEN SCAMMED AND MUCH NOT BEEN CHANGED. AM ASSURE YOU THAT YOU SHOULD BEEN EXPECTING THE HOLE MONEY BECAUSE THAT IS THE AMOUNT IN THE BANK DRAFT.

SECOND QUESTION:I CAN NOT SAY UNTIL YOU CALCULATE IT .IT IS A VERY HIRCH AMOUNT OF MONEY IN EURO.OK

THIRD QUESTOIN:HELLO MR ROGER GARRISON I AM REASSURE YOU THAT THIS IS NO ANY OTHER SCAMMED,BELIEVE AFTER THIS FUND YOU WILL BE VERY HAPPY FOR WHAT THE UNITED NATION AS DONE FOR YOU.
and your cheque is ready to be sent out, but i want to inform you what you need to know the three ways in which you can receive this your payment.

Our agreement with the United Nations is to pay over 220 people and what they wanted was for this whole 220 people to come down here to Nigeria and receive their payments themselves, then my bank thought of a better and faster solution which is to send your cheque through courier service or have it deposited into the beneficiary's bank account, only if the beneficiary's are ready to take care of the little fees.

Have in mind that it is not the intention of United Nations for you to pay fees, my bank just thought it would be easier to send your payment off instead of you flying all the way to Lagos - Nigeria to receive your payment, but if that is what you want fine, if not we will go to different courier service offices and contact with the Bank's Transfer Unit dept to know what each of them will cost you.

So let me know what you want.

Remain blessed,

MD, Zenith Bank,
Jim Ovia

It's always refreshing when you can get a scammer to send you something not pre-written because it's just that much more bizarre. I mean, the pre-written replies are still pretty shoddy but when you can force him to write something he's never written before, well, that's when he really shines.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: mrjjimovia.zzenithbankz@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: reply as soon as possible....Mr Roger Garrison

FROM THE DESK OF THE PERSON ROGER GARRISON
OUR REF/ ED HOCHULI
FAVORITE NUMBERS:+112, 75, and 50.

Hello again, Jim Ovia!

I'm so happy that you were able to find the time to write me back and answer my questions. Also, I hope that you don't mind that I copied the header of your previous email and used it on mine. Yours looked really professional and since we're just starting this new business relationship, I wanted us to both be on the same level. (I'm on world 3-1 but am having trouble getting past the boss character.)

Before we proceed, I wanted to spend some time reviewing the answers that you provided to my questions just to make sure that I understood everything correctly and to make sure that I have no other questions relating to your answers to the questions that I already asked. Please bear with me as this should only take a minute or so (but that really all depends on how fast you read).

1) What you're basically saying here is that I should expect no less than USD $500,000.00 because that is the amount of the bank draft and the bank draft has already been written and thus I shouldn't even bother asking about possibly getting less money because maybe I feel that USD $500,000.00 is too much for my needs but maybe I will take it anyway and spend it on shoes.

2) I realize that USD $500,000.00 is a lot in euros, even with the recent crop famine plaguing Norway. I don't know why you can't tell me what the amount is. If I was able to calculate it myself as you state, I wouldn't have needed to ask you the question since I would have already known the answer. Instead, I asked you to calculate it. If we're going to work as a team here, I need some kind of commitment from the other side.

I did a Google search for "us to euro conversion" and this link came up: http://www.xe.com/ucc/ - It may help you help me to answer my question. (Hint: the answer is 392,852.81 EUR.)

3) OK, so we've established that there could be no possible way that this is a scam because once I get my check, I am going to be so happy with the United Nations that I will likely lose control of my bowels and hug a giraffe. Check.

My apologies for the need to review the answers you provided but since we are dealing with a large sum of money here, my board of directors really wants to make sure that this thing goes very smoothly and 100% legally. (I'm not so much a stickler for the laws and whatnot but I am beholden to them because they're holding my dog hostage until I come up with the money.)

It sounds like I have two options to obtain the money. One, I could give in to the bank's demands and pay a small fee, after which they would then give me the money or I could fly to Nigeria and pick up the money in person. While I would imagine that most people would choose to pay the fee rather than try and travel internationally, I will admit that I am a little different since I have an irrational fear of bank fees. It all started when I was a little child and I watched my father get hit with fee after fee that he couldn't pay. Sure, these fees were NSF fees and he was bouncing checks but those are the kinds of details that they leave out of history books.

So, please, if you don't mind, let me ask you some more questions concerning the payment pickup:

1) If I were to fly to Lagos, Nigeria (which I hear is lovely this time of year), what would be the process involved? Do I just show up at the bank in person and say "here I am!" or do I need to get in contact with someone local to help me through this?

2) What are the fees currently associated with the courier service if I opt to just have the money deposited?

3) You mention changing courier services and the fees may differ. Can you let me know some of the prices for the other couriers?

I apologize for asking all of these questions and wasting your valuable time. I really want this transaction to move forward and I am just trying to gather as much information as I can so that I can tell my board of directors about the steps we need to take.

I'm willing to travel to Nigeria if need be but maybe you can provide me some more information on the fees and other courier services in the mean time.

What would you recommend we do here and how should we proceed?

Openly Curious About Men,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

While it may not seem like it to you, up until this point, I was actually trying to be very reserved in my over-the-top-ed-ness. I was genuinely curious how far along I could keep the scam going and was interested to see where it would end. Sadly, the reply I got to the above email changed all of that.

From: "Mr Ovia Jim" [mrjjimovia.zzenithbankz@yahoo.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: Information's Needed........From Mr. Jim Ovia

FROM THE DESK OF THE MANAGER ZENITH BANK
OUR REF/ ZBNPLC/00784/09
MOBILE NUMBER:+234-7-264-828-64.

Dear :Roger Garrison.

Thanks for your email response. How are you today ? I hope all is well with you and your family over there. I received your mail, it is my pleasure to inform you that i got your mail and all the content was well understood. I write to confirm to you that your Draft is with me here, which I have been waiting to hear from you as to direct me on how to send the Draft to you.

I clearly understood your previous predicament and that is why the UNITED NATIONS are compensating you as well as other scammed victims in other to eradicate scams so that foreign investors could come to Africa without any doubt and then invest on any lucrative business of their choice.

Also if you can forward the details of those that stole from you I can forward it to the appropriate authorities for further investigations and then bring these culprits to book. However, the only way i could send your draft to you is, either i deposit the Cheque into your account or I send it to you through courier service, i will go now to find out what they would cost.

However, you are required to reconfirm your details.

The informations below are needed now:

NAME:......................... ...........
AGE:.......................... ..............
SEX:.......................... .............
ADDRESS:...................... .........
EMAIL:........................ ............
PHONE:........................ ...........
OCCUPATION:................... ......
COMPANY:...................... ........
COUNTRY:...................... .........
IDENTIFICATION................ ......................

Finally I would like to hear from you as soon as possible with the required information, so that we can complete this process immediately, cos i will be very busy soon with work

Call me +234 7026482864.
My regards to your family.

Remain blessed.

MD, Zenith Bank,
Jim Ovia

Just as I thought things were getting interesting and our dialogue was going really well, he had to go and send me back some pre-formatted scam bullshit email that didn't have anything to do with our previous replies. It's almost like he thought, "hmm, this scam isn't proceeding fast enough. Maybe if I re-send him all of the details for the scam and ask again nicely, he'll forget everything and just send the information I want." Well, Roger isn't that gullible and Roger isn't going to stand for this type of nonsense.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: mrjjimovia.zzenithbankz@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Information's Needed........From Mr. Jim Ovia

Dear :MD,. :Zenith :Bank,. :Jim :Ovia.,

I would like to, again, thank you profusely for writing back to me in such a timely manner. It's so rare that people actually respond back to any of my internet communiques. My accountant, Leroy, says that's because my "emails mo'fuckin stank" or something along those lines. I think it's the equivalent of digital halitosis. I would have fired him by now but he's actually really good at what he does and he once claimed that he met Jesus, so that's pretty cool, too. I find the whole story a little hard to swallow but I don't have any proof that he didn't really meet Jesus and he could probably beat me up pretty bad if I called him a liar.

Unfortunately, with the pleasantries aside, I am more than a little perplexed by your email reply. You see, English is not my first language and I lack the eloquence and wonderfulness that your email embodies, so pardon me if I didn't quite grasp your message. Also, I was dropped on my head as a child and as a result, my brain thinks slow. I've spent the past few hours reading over what you wrote to me only to discover that IT DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH WHAT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT PREVIOUSLY.

While I may be an idiot, I do understand a thing or two about how email is supposed to work. One party writes some kind of content/statement/question to another party. Upon receipt of this communicative volley, the other party reads what the first sent and then carefully composes a reply back. This reply usually consists of opinions, additional statements, pictures of ponies, or answers to any questions that were originally asked. This process is then continued ad nauseum until both parties are satisfied with the exchange.

I, my friend, am not satisfied.

I thought that we had a good relationship going here. You tell me that you have money waiting for me and I get a boner because I am turned on by money. I initially had some questions and concerns but you crafted very thorough responses and I was happy and ready to move on to the next level. In my last email, I asked for details on how we can make this money magic happen but a few problems arose with your last reply:

1) You managed to not answer any of the questions I asked.

2) You provided me no further details on courier fees or camel dances.

3) You continually made references to my family, all of whom died earlier this year in a tragic snowboat accident. I don't suppose you could have known that but maybe you be a little more careful next time.

Trust me, Jim, I WANT THIS MONEY but if you're not willing to work with me on this, then I am more than happy to move along to other opportunities. All I wanted was a little more information on the courier services, their fees, and how that all works out but you decided that you were going to be "that guy" and send me back some cookie cutter bullshit email response.

This is not how business relationships work.

I know that you can't see me right now but I am totally shaking my finger in a fast motion and saying "Bad business partner! Bad!" out loud.

I would very much like to continue our correspondence but I fear that I may not hear from you again. I know that you're "very busy soon with work" and I'm "very busy now hiring prostitutes" but I think that we can still make a go at this thing. If you could read over my previous email and get back to me with information on the details of fees and/or a travel i ternary, I'd happily move this thing along and elevate you back to #1 business partner of Roger Garrison. They don't award medals for second place.

I am looking forward to hearing back from you soon.

Choking the Chicken,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

While I'm not sure that this email thread is over with, I don't know what to expect after this. Mr. Jim Ovia has proved to be pretty resilient to my phoniness and continues to respond even when I think he won't but I pretty much did nothing but lay into him for the entire last email. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that communication will continue but you can never be too sure. Have we heard the last of Jim Ovia? Who knows. I hope not.

They say that money is the root of all evil but I will be the first to step up and argue the untruth of that statement. Money is actually the root of all awesome and I would like to officially nominate Lagos, Nigeria as the capital city. They seem to have plenty of money to pass around and there is no shortage of amazing individuals who claim to live there.

In case you missed the first part of this update, I've been back and forth with a gentleman by the name of Jim Ovia who claims to have some money for me from the United Nations. Unlike most of the other spammers that I have dealt with in the past, it seems like this guy actually reads the emails I send back and isn't so quick to fire off some pre-written stock email that one of his friends wrote in broken English. Well, for the most part.

We left off with my alter ego, Roger Garrison, laying into Mr. Jim Ovia for sending back one of those generic emails. You see, Roger really wants his money and he really wants this relationship to work. It took a few days but Jim Ovia responded back with answers to all of the questions he asked. Let's join the action already in progress.

From: "Mr Ovia Jim" [mrjjimovia.zzenithbankz@yahoo.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: Re: reply as soon as possible....Mr Roger Garrison

FROM THE DESK OF THE MANAGER ZENITH BANK
OUR REF/ ZBNPLC/00784/09
MOBILE NUMBER:+234 70-264-828-64.

Dear : Mr Roger Garrison,

Thanks for your email response.I must let you know that we can complete your transaction today if only you can work and co-operate with me. However, I have made the necessary findings from different courier companies here for the dispatch of your check which worth $500,000.00

Just in case you prefer your Cheque to be deposited into your bank account, the bank have said that you will need to send a cash transfer fees of USD$1000.00 as your account is an international account and outside this country, but i still checked for the cost of the courier service so let me know your choice.

I am sorry for my short conversation with you on the phone it was due to bad network anyway I will call you as soon as I receive any response from you.. Below is the cost of sending your check through any of these express courier services from here to your country.

You are requested to send the necessary fees to enable me send your cashier cheque immediately and then you cash it from any bank of your choice. These are the preferred channels of delivery your parcel to you which i have confirmed it okay, these express diplomatic courier service is a diplomatic courier company that have a diplomatic license to deliver any Parcel/Consignment to any country without problem and delay, so my dear you are to make your choice Asap:

HERE ARE MY FINDINGS

Federal Express Diplomatic and Sky link fast delivery
Mailing: USD$ 150.00 Dollars For 2 days Delivery

DHL delivery services:
Mailing: USD$ 200.00 Dollars For 2 days Delivery

UPS
Mailing: USD$220.00 Dollars For a day Delivery

FEDEX
Mailing: USD$ 240.00. Dollars For a day Delivery

Select any of your affordable courier fee and send it through Western Union Money Transfer with this name stated above.

SENDER'S NAME:
RECEIVER NAME: ADEWALE JOHNSON
COUNTRY: LAGOS-NIGERIA
TEST QUESTION: WHAT FOR
TEST ANSWER: GOOD
AMOUNT:
MTCN NUMBER:

As soon as you send the money send the MTCN Ten digits control number and the senders name to enable my clerk pick up the money and I will dispatch your package immediately upon the confirmation of payment and forward the tracking number to you to enable you track your package on-line, That Is if you have chosen for me to send it through courier service, but if you have chosen that the cheque is been deposited into your nominated bank account then you will send the necessary fees (Transfer Fess) as stated above and the bank have assured that the funds will be in your account 30mins after the transfer fees of US$1000.00 is received here.

And be careful to make no mistakes in the receivers information above.I am looking forward to hearing from you with reconfirmation of your mailing information or bank information which ever one you chosen to avoid mistakes.Again if you were to come down to Nigeria,I will need to direct you to someone who you are to meet with here in Nigeria,becuase you cannot just show up here at our bank just like that okay.

Call me +234 7026482864.
My regards to your family.

Remain blessed.
MD, Zenith Bank,
Jim Ovia

Aside from the obvious goof of mentioning a phone call that we never had, the email is pretty straight forward. He answered my questions concerning the courier fees and told me what I would need to do to finish the transaction. Sure, the message has a "stop fucking around and hurry up and send me money" overtone to it but I'm going to stick with my gut feeling about that just being part of the man's charm.

Before diving into the next email, it should be noted that Roger got very busy and it took him a few days to reply back. During this time period, Jim Ovia sent the above email a total of four times and sent along an additional note asking why Roger wasn't responding anymore. The answer is simple: Roger was traveling.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "Mr Ovia Jim" [mrjjimovia.zzenithbankz@yahoo.com]
Subject: Re: reply as soon as possible....Mr Roger Garrison

To My Dearest & Bestest Friend Jim Ovia,

I want to start out this message by sincerely apologizing for the tardiness of my communication. I had to go out of town very quickly and have been traveling ever since. One of my clients, a guy who lives in Whattheshit, Arkansas was being sued by his wife because she caught him in bed with a horse. She was about to take him for everything he was worth but, thankfully, she contracted throat cancer and now she's quarantined in the hospital. It looks like my client will be the one getting the last laugh. Seriously, because his wife can't speak anymore so I am pretty sure that laughing is out of the question for her these days.

I have stayed up many a late night over the past week thinking of nothing but the sweet sound of your emails as read to me by my text to speech program that my assistant installed. The voice kind of sounds like Pee Wee Herman and it makes me warm inside when I think about all of the great communications that we have shared so far and how many I hope that we'll share in the future. I never want our relationship to end, Jim.

To you, it might be all about getting me my money but I'm in this thing for more than that -- I'm in this thing for friendship. If the internet has taught me anything -- aside from the fact that I find "2 girls, 1 cup" arousing -- it's that friends can be really hard to come by. You're a pretty special guy, Jim and I just thought you might want to know that before we get back to business.

I am definitely still eagerly awaiting my bank draft for $500,000.00. I've already thought about all of the great things that I am going to buy with it but I've been trying to be good and not spend it before I have it in my hands. Still, the other day, I ordered a couple of escorts and some expensive champagne. We partied until my Mom came home and made everyone leave. Time for Roger to live a little, right?

Also, it's totally cool about us getting cut off during our phone conversation. I mean, it's not like it's possible for you to call me back or anything once the network problem goes away. I understand that technology hasn't advanced as far as the capability to re-dial someone you just talked to. Plus, I was so high on Quaaludes that I honestly don't remember talking to you at all so it's probably for the best.

MY RESPONSE TO YOUR FINDINGS

I am extremely pleased that you were able to "find" something so complex as pricing figures for courier services. I realize how difficult it can be to obtain such information during these dark times that we are living in. However, I think that the prices you gave me may be a little on the high side. While I do realize that we are in an economic slumber, I recently shipped a crate containing three orphan children (12 & under) via Fed Ex and it only cost me $97.50. You say that Fed Ex would charge me $240.00.

Are any of these prices negotiable? If not, that's OK. I realize that you probably did your best and you're simply horrible at using a barter system.

Also, can you clarify if the courier price is on top of the $1000.00 fee you mentioned? I need to be able to report back to my board of directors about how much I am cutting the check for.

I have the MTCN number ready to send to you but I am curious if we could work out the remaining details of the pricing structure.

If you can provide me any additional information on this, it would be most appreciated. Kind of a "you rub my back, I'll do a whole lot more than that" type thing. *wink wink*

Please feel free to call me again if you have any immediate questions. Otherwise, I will be watching my email very closely from here on out (no traveling!) and we can get this process moving quickly.

Thank you again, Jim Ovia. You are truly an amazing man and an absolute credit to the human race.

Already Counting The Cash,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

Things seem to be progressing very smoothly. He answers a few more questions, I pay a small fee, and then I am rich beyond my dreams, assuming my dreams only include me being $500,000.00 rich.

From: "Mr Ovia Jim" [mrjjimovia.zzenithbankz@yahoo.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: all we need is trust and nothing else....

Dear ,

It has been my pleased to receive your mail; how you and the family are hope all is fine, Concerning the mail I received from you, why the FedEx courier service is $240.00 is because of security reason I don’t want anything to happen to the delivery and I don’t want it to deliver late Okay.

For the prices of the courier service is not negotiable because of what I told you earlier. As for the $1000.00 that is after you have received your Bank Draft that is when the payment will be paid.

So all you have to do is to try your best and live the rest to God all mighty. All we need in this transaction trust and nothing else okay. you have to co-operate with me so your bank draft can be send as soon as possible.

So all I want you to do now is to send me the MCTN NUMBER with the payment slip so your bank draft will send to you immediately.ans sorry i want you to send me your phone again so i can call you.

I will be expecting your mail as soon as possible.

Best regards to your family and your board of director.
Mr. Jim Ovia

I think that if a train were to come out of nowhere and run me over, I could die a happy man. The email above embodies everything that is amazing about the world. The broken English, the nonsensical sentence structure, and the inane justifications for needing whatever just makes me involuntarily orgasm every time I read it. Your results may vary.

Still, we are at a crossroads here and it's time for Roger to either send some money and move this thing along or call it quits. Roger doesn't know the meaning of the word quit. (Roger doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words but he uses them anyway.)

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "Mr Ovia Jim" [mrjjimovia.zzenithbankz@yahoo.com]
Subject: Re: all we need is trust and nothing else....

Hello again, Jim Ovia (a.k.a. Friend For Life)!

I continually appreciate your efforts in keeping this business relationship going and taking the time to answer any and all of the questions that I ask. Your style of writing which involves taking a bunch of words that don't make any sense and putting them all together into one sentence is nothing short of pure genius. The feeling that I get in my testicles and stomach every time an email of yours appears in my inbox is hard to describe but it is something similar to riding a roller coaster very fast while being punched in the head. Trust me on this one: this is a VERY good thing.

I will admit that I was more than a little worried that I was not going to hear back from you, largely because I was molested as a child and that has made me extremely insecure around felines, but mostly because every time I feel that I am getting close to someone they start to pull away. You are a true internet hero, Jim Ovia, and I can only hope to inspire those around me to be as great a person to others as you have been to me. I'm not gay or anything but I've thought about making out with you a lot.

That aside, I HAVE GREAT NEWS: I'm not pregnant. While I guess this shouldn't come as any surprise given that I am male and thus not really susceptible to getting pregnant, it's always kind of a nice surprise when you test yourself and it comes up negative. Or positive. Whatever is the good one. I can never tell because diseases and diagnoses are always backwards and confusing.

ALSO, I HAVE MORE GOOD NEWS! I have obtained the MTCN number and it has been sent off to Western Union for delivery. I have pasted the information below. However, I feel that I should warn you about a few changed details prior to you reading it. (DON'T SKIP AHEAD, JERK FACE.) In your original email, you mentioned that the receiver's name should be ADEWALE JOHNSON but since I don't know any one by that name, I put your name JIM OVIA instead. I'm not sure who ADEWALE JOHNSON is but he doesn't sound as trustworthy as you, Jim.

Also, I changed your test question and answer because yours was pretty dumb and I felt that this challenge/response section should contain more praise for you. I don't know much about where you live but I envision you to be some kind of local superhero, kind of like Nigeria's version of Rocky Balboa. So, the more praise the better, right? Anyway, please find the transmit information below and hopefully the money train is going to be leaving the station real soon.

SENDER'S NAME: Roger "Rog" Garrison
RECEIVER NAME: Jim Ovia
COUNTRY: LAGOS-NIGERIA
TEST QUESTION: Who is the only man I will ever love?
TEST ANSWER: Jim Mo'fuckin Ovia, that's who!
AMOUNT: $2750.00
MTCN NUMBER: 1842932492

I was really confused by your last email and I honestly have no idea how much the amount should be so I just kind of threw all of the money I had available in there. I mean, what the hell, right? I'll have more than enough money once I get that bank draft back so what's a few thousand right now?

Please feel free to use any courier service that you feel is the most secure to deliver me my bank draft. I have the utmost faith and trust in you, Jim.

Please let me know how we proceed from here.

With Jheri Curled Eyebrows,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

Sometimes, when I am in the middle of doing all this, I start to feel really bad about getting the guy's hopes up but then I remember that I was born without feelings, so I light some stray cats on fire and laugh.

From: "Mr Ovia Jim" [mrjjimovia.zzenithbankz@yahoo.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: just send me the payment slip.okay

Dearest good friend Garrison,

I just receive mail now, and I went to the western union they say the MTCN was not matches all I want you to do now is to scan the payment slip and send it to me so I can be sure of what I am doing, concern the receiver name that is the name of our secretary he is the one that will go to the western union for the money. Okay

So I want you to know that this is not a joking matter I have to make sure you receive your Bank Draft that is the promise I made to you.

And all so the charges is $240 dollars not $2750, I don’t know why you send $2750. Please all I want you to do now is to send me the payment slip.

Best Regards to your family.
Mr. Jim Ovia

Why would he think that I think that this is a joking matter? Sending email is serious business and sending emails about money is even more serious business. I would never joke about things inside an email containing something to do with money.

What I do find funny is the mental image in my head of this guy running down to the local Nigerian Western Union (probably the busiest one of them all) and excitedly presenting his MTCN number for payment. Even better if he had to read the test question/answer out loud to the clerk. It's little things like this that get me through the hard times.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "Mr Ovia Jim" [mrjjimovia.zzenithbankz@yahoo.com]
Subject: Re: just send me the payment slip.okay

To my Savior, Jim Ovia,

You have no idea how thankful I am that you were able to reply back to me in such a short amount of time. Well, actually, in hindsight, I guess you do have an idea because I just told you but up until that point when I told you, you probably had no idea. Your email couldn't have come at a better time.

I'M IN BIG TROUBLE AND I NEED YOUR HELP!

I told myself to be patient time and time again, that I should just wait for the money to come before I did anything stupid. Well, I didn't listen to me and I got involved in a high stakes goat race run by some very unsavory characters. I was sure that I had picked a guaranteed winner but he finished in last place. I risked everything I (didn't) have. I was hoping that the Western Union transaction would go smoothly and that I would be able to pay off the debt in time but now that doesn't appear to be the case and the owners of the race track have a contract out on my head.

In a nutshell, I have to get out of town quick!

Would it be possible for me to fly out Nigeria and meet up with you in person? I can't stick around here for long or I am a dead man. I can't go to the bank or back home and I have just enough money for a plane ticket out of the country. Once I land, we can do the money transaction in person.

I know, I know, this is all so sudden and I am sorry for springing it on you. I don't like it either and I would imagine that I would like it a lot less if I were to die. We can come up with some kind of back story about how we met so that when your friends come up to you and ask who I am, you won't say "some guy I met on the internet" because that sounds really gay. Also, I don't have to fly directly to you. If you'd rather keep it discreet, I can stay in the next town over or whatever. I'm sure you have more experience with hiding prostitutes than I do.

I realize that you're probably a very busy man what with saving the world and all but I would like to make it worth your while. Once I am there, I can claim the bank draft immediately without the hassle of Western Union and then both of our money problems will be solved. I can split it 70/30 with you for all of your generosity.

I'm really scared and desperate and not sure what to do now.

I'm afraid that if we can't work something out very soon, I won't be around to be your love slave any longer. After the thugs find me, I'll be left to die in some alley next to a homeless guy with no pants, bleeding profusely from a blow to the head. I won't have much time, a scant few seconds to think back and dream about what could have been between us. The money, our lives together, everything. I would feel myself getting colder and know that the end is near. I steel myself as best I can and prepare for the inevitable. As death draws near, I would muster up the strength to utter one last breath; the name of a great man who changed my life forever. "Jim Ovia." And then I would be dead.

I don't want to die. Please let me know what to do!

Hoping I'm Still Breathing,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

Honestly, this thread could have probably kept going but there is only so much fake information that I could send the guy and still keep it interesting and I figured that sending out a "we should meet in person under dire circumstances" email would be the best way to end it once and for all. Despite the fact that he offered to have me fly out to Nigeria and take of this in person earlier in the thread, Jim Ovia apparently wasn't too receptive of the idea this time around.

I had a lot of fun going back and forth with this guy because it seemed like no matter how much bullshit I put in the email, he would always play along and address whatever it is I asked. I'm going to miss you, Jim Ovia. You're a good sport.

There isn't much that could be said right now about spam email that has not already been brought up in the past. Most people hate it, a few people fall for it, and only one person exists who is retarded enough to try and carry on a conversation with the people who perpetrate it. That man just so happens to be my alter ego, Roger Garrison. Some consider him to be crazy; I consider him to be my personal internet hero, mostly because I lack the part of my brain that is responsible for key things like "judgment" and "the ability to not idolize people that you yourself made up."

Chances are high that you have probably read at least one update in the Spamtastic Adventures series but what you may not realize is that for every email adventure that gets posted, there exists three or more where things didn't go as planned. For the most part, I'm simply too over-the-top and the spammer sees right through my ruse. Of course, anyone who ever graduated from the third grade could probably also see through my ruse but that just proves that not all spammers were created equal.

While putting in work on a new Spamtastic Adventures update, I stumbled across a cache of emails that just failed to generate any replies and thought that it would be a shame if they went to waste. Also, I'm feeling extremely lazy this week and the idea of posting stuff that I already wrote sounds fantastic. So, until we meet with Roger again, enjoy these one-hit wonders that never went anywhere.

From: "Billy Figueroa" [smtp4@fundsupermart.com]
To: roger@4kb.com
Subject: Available work for new year. Reg.ID: D7G761

To Your Attention,

Dating Service announces new job openings in 2009:

Part time employment is now available in our company for USA people.

Feel free to request an application by e-mailing us only at:
Dating.Srvc@gmail.com

Best Regards,
Dating Service

Now while I have no idea what a job opportunity with a dating service would actually entail, it seems a lot better than the other jobs that I was being spammed with, namely moving funds around for furniture and oil companies. Of course, had I actually gotten a reply, this probably would have wound up being something along the same lines. Spammers aren't very inventive.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: Dating.Srvc@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Available work for new year. Reg.ID: D7G761

Hello Dating Service!

My name is Roger Garrison and I'm really starting to feel like this may just be my lucky day. I haven't had much good fortune to speak of lately and just when I was about to give up hope, you have come along with this great offer.

You see, my troubles all started a few months back, when I was working on the set of "The Cliff Diver Hits Rock Bottom." It's an uplifting romantic comedy about some guy who dies. No, I wasn't starring in it or anything. I was brought on part-time as a fluffer for the various forms of wildlife on the set. It's a dirty job but, hey, it paid the bills.

Until I met her.

Her name was Alicia Matthews and I was smitten from the first time I laid eyes on her. She had that kind of Ann Coulter look to her. Yeah, she's doable but you just want to punch her in the mouth every time she talks. Anyway, she's got some major clout with the director and after I refused to share any of my milk with her, she got me fired.

Now I have no job and no girlfriend.

Da-Da-Da-Daah! Dating Service to the rescue!

(Pretend that there is some kind of theme music playing.)

Not only are you offering the potential for part-time employment but you are also a dating service. Maybe if I get hired, you know, I can get some kind of first dibs on the goods. Preferably before they get paired up with anyone else. I'm not good at competition.

Whatever. It sounds like we'd be perfect for one another and I am the most USA person that I know. I've got the flag tattooed on one cheek and a Ford truck on the other. The only thing I am missing is apple pie, so if that's a prerequisite for employment, please let me know. I got some contacts in the industry.

Please get back to me as soon as you can and pass along what I need to do to get this application process rolling forward. I'm out of work right now and I'm not particularly excited about another night of eating marshmallows and maple syrup.

Patiently Waiting,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

I never did receive a reply, which is a shame. Perhaps Roger simply isn't dating service material. More like escort service material, which would explain the hookers. Oh well, on to the next schmuck.

From: YAHOO & MICROSOFT WINDOWS [info@msn.com]
To: roger@4kb.com
Subject: Ref:-L/200-26937 Batch:12/25/0340

YAHOO & MICROSOFT WINDOWS.

Its been notified by our organization that you just won a Donation sum of 500,000GBP (Five Hundred thousand GBP). You are advised to contact immediately the claims agent with the information below once you receive this mail for further instructions on how you are claim your donation prize. Please also quote your Refrence and batch numbers to our claims for security reasons.Refrence numbers (Ref:-L/200-26937 Batch:12/25/0340) quote in all discussions.

Contact information below:
Amaranth Wilson (MSW officer).
Email: msn_departmen124@live.co.uk

Regards,
James Cole
Executive Secretary/Co-ordinator.

Sounds wonderful! I sit here wondering what I will have to do in order to claim my prize. Sadly, after not receiving a reply to the email below, I suppose I will never know.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: msn_departmen124@live.co.uk
Subject: Re: Ref:-L/200-26937 Batch:12/25/0340

To my dearest friends, YAHOO & MICROSOFT WINDOWS.,

My name is Roger Garrison and I am pleased to have been the super special recipient of your email.

Thank you so much for taking the time to contact me and inform me of the fact that I am now a whole lot richer than you are. I will have to admit that I am sitting here quietly admiring your morals because honestly, if I was in charge of handing out 500,000GBP to people on the internet, those internet people would probably only ever see 100,000GBP of it because I would have stolen the rest and hidden it in some off-shore account. Sometimes I wonder why they call them off-shore accounts. I highly doubt that the bank is actually situated on the beach. Maybe it should be called something like an off-Main Street account, assuming that the bank was located in close proximity to the actual Main Street. I don't even know if island nations have streets. They are so very poor.

Do you know who isn't poor? Me, thanks to you.

I have read your below letter and taken your advisement to contact the claims agent immediately. While I do apologize for not actually contacting you immediately -- I realize that it has taken me some days to craft this response -- I have nonetheless officially contacted you, the claims agent based upon your advisement of me to do so. Also, since I am super rich now, I can pretty much pay to have things changed that don't suit me so the first thing that I plan on doing is writing a very expensive letter to Merriam-Webster and telling them to redefine "immediately" to mean "up to and including a two week period while Roger Garrison finishes planting his garden. Naked."

Quoting this: Ref:-L/200-26937 Batch:12/25/0340 because you told me to.

Anyway, please let me know what needs to be done so that we can start the process of you giving me all of the money that I am so entitled to. Now that I am rich, living each and every moment without my money (and thus poor) is excruciating. Much like sex with a fat chick, the quicker that we can get this over with, the better.

Please quote my own set of reference and batch numbers in your reply so that I can file these official documents away in the most proper of places.

Reference: RG-Iz-J3sus
Batch: We/d0/69

Thank you and I look forward to hearing back from you concerning my winnings.

Cordially,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

So, we've seen 419 scams, job offers, and promises of lottery winnings. Have you ever seen a case where a spammer emails you looking to purchase something? That sounds awfully backwards.

From: Ben Brown [ben.brown852@gmail.com]
To: roger@4kb.com
Subject: Order Request

*HELLO,

I AM BEN BROWN AND I WILL LIKE TO KNOW IF YOU CARRY DUMPSTER TRANSPORT FOR SALE.AND IF YES,REPLY ME BACK WITH YOUR WEBSITE SO THAT I CAN SELECT THE ONE THAT I WILL LIKE TO ORDER,ALSO I AM SHIPPING THE DUMPSTER TRANSPORT TO ONE OF MY COMPANY IN SWEDEN AND I WILL RECOMMEND A FREIGHT COMPANY FOR THE PICKED UP..THANK YOU AND HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON..

BEST REGARD
BEN BROWN
*

The asterisk was an unexpected touch. I should start doing that with all of my emails.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "Ben Brown" [ben.brown852@gmail.com]
Subject: Re: Order Request

Hello BEN BROWN,

My name is Roger Garrison! I apologize firstly for not having my name in all capital letters like you do. I am just a struggling business man and can not yet afford the kind of machines that type in capitals. Soon, maybe and hopefully with your help.

I see from the message that you sent me below that you are in need some kind of dumpster transport. I am so tempted to make a "yo momma" joke here because she totally fits the profile of dumpster transport but since I am an upstanding business gentleman (whatever that is), I will refrain from doing so. I wouldn't want something as little as my penis getting into the way of our new business partnership.

So, let me stop beating around the bush. Hell yeah I got some dumpster transports. I got so many dumpster transports that I don't even know what to do with them. I tried to give them away to some friends of mine but they're all like, "no, man, I don't do dumpster transports" and they totally emphasized the "do" like a surfer and/or guy in a Mountain Dew commercial. Did I mention that all of my friends are faggots?

Anyway, whatever. Screw them. It's just you and me Ben. You, me, and some dumpster transports that may or may not go to Sweden. Honestly, I don't even care. I would just like to get rid of these things.

Holla back at me and let me know what we can do with these dumpster transports that you need so badly.

Peace, love, & hair grease, homie,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

In hindsight, I think BEN BROWN was trying to spam his shipping company instead of actually wanting to purchase the dumpster transports but if that was the case, he had a very odd way of approaching the idea because, honestly, who the fuck has dumpster transports? Not me. I just checked.

Which brings us to the end of the first edition of the "Greatest Misses" collection of my Spamtastic Adventures. There is invariably more to follow since spammers never stop spamming and I never stop taking stupid pills and then replying to said spam. It's fun in the same way that experimenting sexually with your cousin was fun. That is to say, if you're sick enough to consider that fun, you might be as messed up as I am but at least I am not breaking the laws of nature, just the laws of socially acceptable behavior. You should check out my ad on Craigslist. Maybe we could meet up or something. I'll be wearing my "I Love Mariah Carey" t-shirt.

If you're an avid follower of this site (and I have every reason to believe that you are not), you've no doubt noticed by now that June hasn't exactly been a standout month with regards to the updates. Of course, you'd be hard pressed to find any month since the site existed that could rightfully be called a "standout month" unless you were referring to "standout" as meaning a huge pile of unfunny shit. Well, whatever. They don't call it June gloom for nothing.

The weather might be cloudy outside but fret not, for a beacon of shining light by the name of Richard E. Hobberman has rode the many internet waves to bring you an offer that we just can't pass up. In this down-turned economy, one would be downright foolish to pass up an employment opportunity this easy. Well, I am nothing if not foolish. Thankfully for the rest of you, my alter ego Roger Garrison isn't one to let good fortune pass him by, even offers of good fortune from strangers on the internet.

Let's check out the details:

From: "Richard Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com.hk]
Subject: RESPONSE NEEDED URGENTLY.

Hello Sir/Ma,
My name is Richard Hobberman from India I established New Art Gallery here in Mumbai, India, I saw some beautiful artworks which am interested to buy on the internet but the sellers who are based in United Kingdom said the artworks are available for sale for people living in United Kingdom only that they can’t post their artworks to India,

The only option that I was given is if I have someone in the United Kingdom to help me collect them, with that, they will sell them for me, that was what made Me to start searching for someone that can help me receive the artworks from the art seller by ROYALMAIL Postal Service on their home and help make payment with the money which I will be sending and I will arrange for ROYALMAIL SERVICE pick up to come pick them up from your home to my place in India. The service is stress free.

Your duty is { 1} Make payment to the art sellers with the money I will be sending to you {2} Receive the Artworks from the ROYALMAIL SERVICE Post Master at your home {3} Give the Art Works to the ROYALMAIL SERVICE when I send them to come and pick them from you to India. The payment is GBPs 550 per Week.

Please Help My Business Grow this work does not disturb your normal daily activities and if you already have a job you can still do this work along because you don’t have to be there all time anybody can help you collect the artworks at home even when you are not around and at the same time anybody can help you give them back to the ROYALMAIL SERVICE when they come for pick up the only thing you have to do by yourself is to make the payment to the art sellers

If you are interested kindly Reply as soon as possible

Regard
Richard.

If anything, I'm pretty much a sucker for helping people in need. Especially if that help will aid me in getting either rich or laid. Preferably both. Sure, the poor guy can't spell and/or use punctuation but that just makes me feel that much more sorry for him. Besides, if I judged every book by its cover, I would have never read the bible. Seriously, that thing could use some flashy graphics on the front or something. Maybe like a sweet dragon or God killing everyone with a fireball. Whatever.

Anyway, back on topic. 550 GBPs per week sounds like a fantastic opportunity so let's check in with Roger and see how he replied:

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: r.hobberman@gmail.com
Subject: Re: RESPONSE NEEDED URGENTLY.

Dearest Mr. Hobberman,

Thank you so much for traversing the many internets and sending me the below communication. My name is Roger Garrison and I am officially pleased to make your acquaintance. Well, as much as an acquaintance can be made from us chatting back and forth over email. I'd prefer a strong handshake and perhaps a manly back rub instead but even technology as great as the internet does have its limits.

As a fellow lover of art, galleries, art galleries, and people named Richard, your below offer sounds almost too good to be true. With the economy going down faster than my sister after two beers, I've been looking all over the place for ways to make extra income. Imagine that opportunity falling directly into my lap! I'd like it if some other things fell into my lap also, however, if you know what I mean. (By other things, I mean you, Richard. *wink*)

I am currently unemployed thanks to there not really being much of a market for book burners these days, so I definitely have plenty of free time to devote to our new partnership. Oh man, what I wouldn't do to have it be 1939 again. You know how many books were burned that year? A lot. I'd go so far as to say a shitload but I don't really know how much that is and Google is turning up some pretty disgusting results for me. Anyway, I am getting all kinds of sidetracked.

As I have mentioned above, I am extremely interested in pursuing your offer but I do have some questions first. I mean, I wouldn't be doing my duty as a skeptic without asking some completely stupid questions. (Note: I'm not a very good skeptic.)

1) First, I just want to make sure that this is 100% legal. I don't want to encounter any trade or transport issues with moving items to different countries. I once got busted for transporting some puppies across state lines and I am trying to avoid another visit from the UK authorities.

2) What kind of artwork are we talking about here? Mostly just paintings or what? I only ask because one time I heard about this guy who was caught carrying a hollow bust of some historical moron who's name I don't know. Anyway, it had drugs inside and the police didn't like that. I guess they would prefer that artworks be filled with yummy fondant, like those Cadbury creme eggs. Come to think of it, so would I. (Does any of the art involve Cadbury creme eggs?)

3) I realize that I am just some out of work schmuck who likes his whiskey a little too much but is the 550 GBP per week negotiable? Because I don't think that I really deserve that much so maybe you could just pay me less. Please let me know if this is possible.

4) Am I allowed to invite the ROYALMAIL postal guy in for tea when he comes and picks up the artwork? I often get very lonely and could use the company. It wouldn't be for very long, so I don't think it would impact his picking up and/or delivering of the artworks. I just need a friend.

Richard, if you would kindly reply back quickly to my kind reply back to you and provide some answers to the questions above, I think we have a very good chance at moving forward with our arrangement.

Also, if you need anything else from me, please let me know. I can supply some risque photos of myself if it'll help seal the deal. I still have a little bit of a muffin top but I've been hitting the gym so, you know, I'm getting better. You just have to be comfortable with yourself.

LOOKING FORWARD TO HEARING BACK FROM YOU SOON!

Wishing You Some Of The Best,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

I've learned from experience that you should never rush into any kind of opportunity without finding out what it's all about and the best way to do that is through questions. Of course, asking questions only work when the other party provides answers. Will Richard do that? Let's find out.

From: "Richard Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: RESPONSE NEEDED URGENTLY.

Hello friend

First and foremost, I want to thank you for your sincere desire and interest
shown to this Business’s Offer.

Well as I have explained to you earlier, I just got some Artist in America who are willing to sell some artworks for me and I want you to know that the payment for all these activity would be sent from me , and it’s a legal thing because I understand what is going on the internet that most things there are not real , this awful situation on the internet has cost me a lot on my business otherwise I wouldn't have been searching for anybody to work for me , my work would have been within myself and the seller of the artworks but they refused to post their artworks internationally due to Numerous Scams on the net so that makes me to contact you to assist me to be receiving the Artworks from the Art Sellers via ROYALMAIL SERVICE at your Home and immediately I will arrange with ROYALMAIL SERVICE Pickup to come Pick from you to my Place in India.

At the moment one of the artists is eager to sell some goods for me and I would want you to help me coordinate payment to him the fund is going to be sent via Cashier Check or Money Order because we can’t send Western Union Money Transfer from India we can only receive Money sent to us via Western Union Money Transfer Once more on receiving the payment, you would be required to deduct your weekly salary which is GBPs 550 and make the payment to the artworks seller; they will bring the artworks with their receipts package inside and i will arrange for ROYALMAIL SERVICE pick up to the artworks from you when the artist sends to you and based on instructions when you receive the money from me, you will send the payment to the artist, receive the artworks from the ROYALMAIL SERVICE and give them to ROYALMAIL SERVICE when they come for pick up at your house. If we are able to build and sustain this business relationship (based on trust of course), then the frequency of the
transaction will definitely increase.

If you are still interested please forward to me the following information below so that I can keep them on file.

NAME:
STREET ADDRESS:
CITY:
STATE :
ZIP CODE:
PHONE NUMBER:

Regards

I love it when spammers get confused in their replies and stop making much sense because it makes me seem a lot less crazy. First, the artists were in the UK but now they are in America. Which is it? And why didn't he answer any of my questions from the first email? I don't know but it's time to find out.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "Richard E. Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
Subject: Re: RESPONSE NEEDED URGENTLY.

Dear My Newest Internet Friend Richard E. Hobberman,

I really appreciate you getting back to me so soon. I was worried that my RESPONSE provided previously did not reach you in time, even though I expressly yelled out the word "URGENTLY" as I was clicking send. That process has worked for me in the past and I am glad to see that it has not failed me this time. I don't want to let down my new business partner, so hopefully this URGENT RESPONSE will make it to you even faster than last time. (I have put some flame stickers on the side of my computer case in the hopes of making everything go more quickly.)

Now, with the pleasantries out of the way, I have to admit just a minor amount of dismay on my part. While I was most sincere in my original email to you, I also raised a number of questions that I had concerning our new relationship. I'm not the type of guy who will just jump into a situation blind since that severely impacts my ability to dunk a basketball, so I just wanted some clarification on some of the things. Business partners shouldn't be hiding things from one another.

For example, yesterday, while reading your email, I may have done some inappropriate things with a piece of chocolate cake. Take that as you will. You know, I'm just putting it out there. It's not something I am proud of nor is it something that I can change anymore. It just happened. Between you and me, Richard, no secrets.

So, I did start to wonder why you didn't respond to my questions in your reply. I just want to make sure that we're not getting into any kind of dirty business together here, Richard. One time, I was dating this girl who turned out to be my cousin. I mean, I still hit it multiple times but that was the last time I ever wanted to be involved in dirty business.

Richard, I just need to know that we are on the up and up before I really feel comfortable with moving forward with our partnership. Perhaps my previous questions were simply inferior. I get it. I'm pretty much an amateur when it comes to asking questions, so if they seemed novice to an internet giant like yourself, I understand. But I still demand answers. We should have a mutual respect for each other if we're going to be doing the nasty. In short, I want to make sure that you would call me the next day if I were to give it up. Below, I have some additional questions that I think are pretty good so I would like for you to answer them.

QUESTIONS TO WHICH I WOULD LIKE ANSWERS PRIOR TO MOVING FORWARD:

1) Are you allergic to questions? If so, I am sorry. That would probably explain why you didn't respond to the previous ones I wrote out. Even though I wanted answers, I could understand why you might not have replied if your throat was constricting and you found it hard to breathe.

2) In your original email, you referenced that the artists in question were located in the United Kingdom, but in your latest reply, you said that the artists are in America. Which is it?

3) How is life in India treating you? I've never been to India but one time I went three days without showering and I turned the heater on full blast, so I do have a vague idea of what I am missing. That one chick who hosts Top Chef is pretty hot but she might not be Indian.

4) I think I have our business arrangement down but I wanted to clarify: I am going to pay some artist to put his package inside me while the ROYALMAIL service records the whole thing on DVD? Is that how it's going to work?

I am sorry for asking so many questions but I was raised Mormon, so when I was younger, I pretty much just accepted everything that people told me. Now that I am an adult though, I feel like I missed out on so much so I sometimes ask more questions than I should to help keep my life's question quota in balance.

You reference trust in our business relationship and I would very much like to start building trust and moving forward with both of us making obscene amounts of cash out of the deal. I just have some very small reservations based on your last reply and providing some answers to the questions above could really help move us over the hump.

Once I feel confident, I will provide you with my contact details and we get this arrangement off the ground.

Looking forward to hearing from your sweet self soon!

With Man Love,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

None of that sounds unreasonable. A playa just wants to know what the game is holding for him. That's all.

From: "Richard Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: RESPONSE NEEDED URGENTLY.

Hey Roger,
I am the serious type and i really do need to work with you....Provide me all the details and let's proceed. Thanks.

Oh! That clears everything up! Despite the fact that you didn't answer or address any of the concerns I have, after reading your last email, I feel entirely confident about our business partnership. *sigh* It's time for "Hobbs" to get a life lesson from Roger.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "Richard E. Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
Subject: Re: RESPONSE NEEDED URGENTLY.

Hello Richard Hobberman, Man Of Wonders,

Your quick reply has made my heart skip a beat. I will admit that I have butterflies in my stomach as I write this. (Not literally, of course, because that is just a figure of speech and insects taste gross.) I've never been attracted to a man over the internet before but I guess that there is a first time for everything, right?

So, here we are in email round 3. I've continually asked you questions regarding our relationship and you continually make no attempt to answer them. All I want is peace of mind. (And a piece of you.)

Why is answering my questions so difficult?

I have all of my information ready to send to you but I just don't feel reassured. Can you go over some of my previous questions and provide me the answers? I am as serious as serious gets with regards to moving this thing forward but I feel like it's all been one-sided so far.

Come on, Richard, information wants to be free.

Please provide me the required information that I seek and I will be more than happy to send along my contact details and get the ball rolling.

Tentatively In Love,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

Seriously man, just answer some frickin' questions so that we can move on. Honestly though, I figured that nothing more would come of this, largely because of the way he was replying. Still, there is hope for humanity yet. I received the below email a short time later, which consisted on quoting my entire email and adding only a few sentences. I clipped the pertinent parts.

From: "Richard Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: RESPONSE NEEDED URGENTLY.

> QUESTIONS TO WHICH I WOULD LIKE ANSWERS PRIOR TO MOVING FORWARD:
>
> 1) Are you allergic to questions? If so, I am sorry. That would probably
> explain why you didn't respond to the previous ones I wrote out. Even
> though I wanted answers, I could understand why you might not have replied
> if your throat was constricting and you found it hard to breathe.

NOT SO

> 2) In your original email, you referenced that the artists in question
> were located in the United Kingdom, but in your latest reply, you said
> that the artists are in America. Which is it?.

THEY ARE LOCATED IN EUROPE AND UK IS INCLUDED.

> 3) How is life in India treating you? I've never been to India but one
> time I went three days without showering and I turned the heater on full
> blast, so I do have a vague idea of what I am missing. That one chick who
> hosts Top Chef is pretty hot but she might not be
> Indian.

INDIA IS PRETTY COOL AND HOMELY,YOU WILL LOVE IT HERE.

> 4) I think I have our business arrangement down but I wanted to clarify: I
> am going to pay some artist in put his package inside me while the
> ROYALMAIL service records the whole thing on DVD? Is that how it's going
> to work?.

YOU ARE TO PAY NOTHING FOR DOING THIS..AND THERE IS NOTHING LIKE SHOWING ON DVD,WE ARE NOT ACTING MOVIE.

I guess i ahve answered atleast a few of your so numerous Questions.Can we
get on with this??.

Yes, Richard, you did such a stellar job answering my questions. Sure, we can move on.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "Richard E. Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
Subject: Re: RESPONSE NEEDED URGENTLY.

Hello Hobberman E. Richard, Gentle Giant,

Just when I was starting to think that things between us might be on the rocks, you go and totally redeem yourself. Your short, one line answers were more than enough to convince me that what we are doing is 100% real.

I'm extremely glad that you answered "no" to the DVD thing. I did think that was a little weird but I just wanted to make absolutely sure. One time, I didn't bother to check whether this one hole in the wall was actually a glory hole. Needless to say, I almost lost what made me a man that day. Not to mention that above all of this, I have an acute allergy to DVD discs so that would definitely cause us some issues if that were case. I break out in hives whenever I am around those things. Makes movie night at my house a real bitch.

But enough about that. We got some real, bona fide business to get down to. I will admit that for the past few days, I have been thinking about nothing but spending all of the mad cash that you and I are going to make together. Obviously, more you than me since I am merely a meager salaried employee, but you know, maybe if I ever come out to India you can put me up in a villa or something and we can bang some hotties. Or each other. You know, whatever we find ourselves into.

So, here is my information that you have requested:

NAME: Roger P. "Rog" Garrison, Esq.
STREET ADDRESS: 762 Sutter Street
CITY: San Francisco
STATE: CA
ZIP CODE: 94109
PHONE NUMBER: 1 415-893-1641
FAVORITE COLOR: RED

I know that you didn't really ask about my favorite color but I threw that part in there just in case you feel like buying me something pretty since we're now officially business partners and all.

So, what's the plan now? I'm seriously eager to going on this thing.

Much Respect,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

I'm not gay, so I don't really know what it feels like to fall in love with a man but if it feels anything like what it feels like when you stub your toe, I am totally there.

From: "Richard Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: RESPONSE NEEDED URGENTLY.

Dear Roger,

Thanks for your kind response..I want you to know that you really sound like a nice and interesting person i would want to spend sometime with.Since you have given em the required details i need to go on with this..I will update you from time to time about developments.Just stay in touch and reply promptly to Email Messages.

I am really looking forward to working with you and enjoying a better relationship.

Best Regards.
Richard Hobberman

So, I guess the case of Richard Hobberman is officially on hold now. I'll play the "wait and see" game for a bit to see if he ever gets back to me. I don't really know what would he do with just my address anyway, so I can only keep my fingers crossed and hope for a part two.

Richard Hobberman, keeping the internet classy since last week.

Whenever we embark on a new spamtastic adventure, I really have no idea how they are going to turn out. Sure, I can try and steer the conversation one way or another but ultimately, it's up the guy on the other end of the email to do most of the path work. With that said, this update may have started out with a promise of middle-man art gallery work but I am pretty sure that we have moved into "what the fuck" territory by now. Honestly, I don't even think we're talking about employment anymore. Spamtastic adventures: how to hook up with creepy dudes on the internet 101.

When we last left off with Roger Garrison vs. Richard Hobberman, I spent most of the time badgering the guy with questions, most of which he refused to answer. After some begging and pleading, I was finally treated some quick one line responses that didn't really address much of anything but it was enough. I finally felt confident enough to send along my personal contact information in hopes of moving our business relationship forward. After supplying the info, I was told to sit and wait for further instructions but I'm not exactly the patient type when it comes to money. Before I was even able to fire a response back, I received a second email asking for the information again. You know, just to make sure that I was serious. Oh, I'm serious all right.

From: "Richard Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: RESPONSE NEEDED URGENTLY.

Dear Roger,

Kindly refill the following Balnk Places in order to establish your Total interest in the whole thing.

FIRST NAME…………………………
SURNAME………………………………
ADDRESS……………………………………………………………………………..
CITY……………………………………..
STATE…………………………………..
ZIP CODE………………………………..
COUNTRY……………………………...
PHONE NUMBER (S) ………………………………………
GENDER……………………………..
MARITAL STATUS……………………..
AGE…………………………………..
NATIONALITY………………………….

It seems to me like maybe he doesn't quite have his shit together. I mean, honestly, was there a single thing that I've said in my replies previously that would make anyone think that I was less than 100% serious? Wait, don't answer that.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "Richard E. Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
Subject: Re: RESPONSE NEEDED URGENTLY.

Dear Richard "Rich Hobbs" Hobberman,

I am so glad to hear that you found my response to be kind. I really wasn't trying to be but I am going to assume that you don't really know what that word means and move on. Consider this reply as my attempt to establish my total interest in the whole thing. Seeing your whole thing would make all of my dreams come true. Seriously.

I am so excited about the beginnings of our new partnership. I don't want to jump the gun or anything, but I think that you might just be the one for me. You make me happy and the idea that I am happy now makes me even more happy because I lack the DNA gene which causes me to contain my feelings. I'm also prone to premature ejaculation and I just think that you should know that. I make up for it in other ways if that comes as some kind of deal breaker but hopefully not.

Maybe if you're up for it later, we can exchange photos or whatever so that I have something to hang on my wall. I've got the cutest little frame picked out. It has hearts and stars all around the border and at the bottom it says "match made in heaven." I think a photo of you would go nicely in there. I've got a pretty awesome glamor shot of myself to send. I had just finished working out so you know I am looking in top shape.

Anyhoo, I can't wait to hear back from you regarding the next steps in our business process. I have re-included the information below, though if you ask me, it seems kind of stupid that I had to send it again. I mean, the shit should just be right there in your inbox. But, hey, you're the boss.

FIRST NAME: Roger "Rogaire"
SURNAME: Garrison
ADDRESS: 762 Sutter Street
CITY: San Francisco
STATE: CA
ZIP CODE: 94109
COUNTRY: USA
PHONE NUMBER (S):
GENDER: M
MARITAL STATUS: Single and looking for action!
AGE: Good boys never tell. Syke, I'm 26.
NATIONALITY: US

I just went to store and bought a bunch of supplies so I plan on chaining myself to my office chair and clicking refresh on my inbox every 30 seconds until I hear back from you.

I'm all oiled up and ready for action, Richard. Let's do this.

With A Firm Johnson,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

At this point, I am really not sure what to make of the guy. Obviously, English isn't his first language but he has a much better grasp of grammar than most spammers I've dealt with. So, either he really knows that I am just fucking with him and he is playing along or he isn't truly understanding everything I am saying. At least he is a good sport.

From: "Richard Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: RESPONSE NEEDED URGENTLY.

Dear Roger {ROGER MOORE JAMES BOND} Chuckles,

I think i am beginning to liek your personality and will like to have a One on One Contact with You and share good moments with you..You are pretty interesting and homely.

I will like us to share Pictures if you really want us to .I am always willing and ready to read from you and enjoy a working relationship with you.

The James Bond reference, calling me chuckles, homo erotic overtones? Check. Point, Hobberman. Turn about is fair play I suppose but I would wager that I can fuck you with way more than you can fuck with me. I am, after all, a professional in the field of making you look like a complete ass over email, Mr. Stranger.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "Richard E. Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
Subject: Re: RESPONSE NEEDED URGENTLY.

Hello Richard,

I will admit that I laughed more than 15 times while I was reading your email, which is amazing considering how short it was. I like that you called me "Chuckles" since it's important for serious businessmen like ourselves to sometimes let loose and go a little wild. I have a friend who was too wrapped up in his work and he wound up catching herpes from a toilet seat and I don't want to end up like that.

Speaking of serious business, do we have a name thought up for what we are going to call our company? I've told all of my family and close friends about my new job and they keep asking me, "Where are you working?" Since I don't really know the answer, I reply with, "uh, for some guy named Richard in India." They reply back saying that Richard isn't a very Indian name but that's when I take whatever object is nearest to me and beat them about the face and head for 30 seconds. "NO ONE disrespects Richard," I say mid-beating. They don't make that mistake twice.

I'm pretty new to business and the art gallery dealing world so I don't really have any amazing suggestions for what we could call it "Art Supply Subsidies" or something like that. I bet it would make a great acronym if we decided to shorten it. Maybe also we could have a mascot, like a ferret on a skateboard or something so that people know that we are serious. Again, these are just suggestions. I realize that ultimately, it's your call since you have at least 67% more business experience than I do.

I'm still very excited about our partnership so I am still patiently awaiting for further instructions on how you and I are going to proceed to make mad money. I know that I have some major bills due soon so the quicker that starts rolling in, the better. You asked that I stay in touch and reply promptly to emails, so I can only ask the same of you. We could be the next superstars of the art delivery world. You and me.

Speaking of you and me, as promised, I have attached a picture of myself to this email so that we can elevate our business partnership to the next level. I am sure that I have a personnel file now in your office somewhere, so having a reference photo will be good for that. Also, if you ever have me come out and visit, it'll be helpful to know what I look like. I think. Unless you're blind. I suppose I never did ask that so I hope that you are not blind. I don't want to offend my new boss, though that would explain your reluctance to answer my questions from earlier. It's not that you were avoiding them; you just needed someone to come over and read them to you. I get it now. I'm sorry that I jumped to the wrong conclusions. Please forgive me.



Anyway, the picture that I sent really isn't very professional. I just had my buddy take it right after I got done doing some sweet karate moves. I can send along some better ones more suited for the workplace if you want. You know, like if you wanted to hang them in your art gallery or something. Preferably under the heading of "Superstar Employee" or something else along those lines. Well, after I prove myself, of course.

So, anyway, I hope that things are well with you and I look forward to hearing back from you about our business adventures very soon.

Bringing Sexy Back,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

At many points during this exchange, I figured that I would never get a reply back but, without fail, less than 24 hours later a new Richard Hobberman masterpiece would arrive in my inbox. Granted, most were pretty short and had nothing to do with what I talked about previously but, you know, you can't expect the world from everyone. He's a man of few but very important words and you just have to accept Richard for being Richard.

From: "Richard Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: RESPONSE NEEDED URGENTLY.

Yes Roger...you have a Nice Body Structure....Palatable.i wish to chat with you just taht i dont talk much.are you ever online ??

Palatable? What the fuck? Is this some Hannibal Lecter shit? I'd agree to meet with him and he'd wind up using my body as an entree dish and wearing my skin as a suit in his dungeon. Either that or he has no idea what the word means. Only one of these answers is acceptable.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "Richard E. Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
Subject: Re: RESPONSE NEEDED URGENTLY.

To My Friend R. E. Hobberman,

Much as you said, you are a man of few words and I like that. Business isn't so much about what you say but more about what you do. Or who you do, depending on what kind of industry you're in. I will admit that I don't know much about how the art world operates so if I'm not putting out enough or something, just let me know. I'm a quick learner.

Speaking of business and the fact that I have been speaking of business in every single one of my emails, what's the deal? Are we going to start buying some art together or what? I've been waiting for some information from either you or ROYALMAIL and none has been forthcoming. You don't reply with any questions to the answers that I ask, which makes me wonder if maybe you're not serious about this whole thing.

I went out and got a tattoo of your name across my forehead. That's how serious I am about this. International art ordering for life, fool. It's like family over here. You get jumped in but you can't get jumped out. It doesn't work that way.

FYI, I'm online right now but I don't see you. I've been online all day and all I got was some random message about somebody asking if I knew Vanessa. I thought that it might be you playing a joke but then I realized your jokes would be far more funny and make more sense because you are a man of unlimited genius.

Let's get cracking on this business thing. I'm ready to make some moves up into the next tax bracket. If you're not serious about this thing that we have Richard, just let me know. I'd rather find out now that you had no interest in me than three months down the road when I come home early and find the FedEx guy delivering you his package personally. That would just break me.

Until next time, I await word from you my friend.

Silencing the Lambs,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

I try valiantly to steer the conversation back towards work but, in the end, I fail. I really don't have any idea what his ultimate scam would be since all he has of mine is a fake address and he doesn't seem all that concerned with talking about business so who knows. It's possible that he just sucks at scamming. Not everyone can find their niche.

From: "Richard Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: RESPONSE NEEDED URGENTLY.

Dear Mr.Rogers,

You have a way with Words and i must say you must be good at making Speeches..perhaps we should expand the scope of your Assignment to Image maker or something Better.I dont know though.But you are one hell of an Anxious Fella.You have more Questions than i can answered and that i have never been asked for ever in my whole Lifetime.

But i presumed that not all your Questions stand to be Answered.So i would just like to say I PASS.If we get to Chat then we can get to know more about each other better than answering Questions via the Email or Internet.You are One of the most interested Person i have ever met.Let's just keep your fingers crossed and see how this Business Relationship is gonna Last for you and me.

We are still heading somewhere with this Idea and Business Plans.Very soon you are gonna be handling your first Assignment and we will see how Good you can be at it.Get back to me .

Best Regards,
Richard.

I decided at this point that it would probably be best to end the adventure here, though I have no doubt that I could have kept dragging it on for a while longer. Not to mention that I may still get something from him in the future when he actually decides to get his "business" up and running. I always wanted to me an "image maker" or whatever he wants to make my job title.

Richard, you proved a worthy foe and you will go into the hall of fame along with Jim Ovia for just being awesome. I doubt that you will ever read this but if you do, thanks for the good times and if you ever want to get serious about doing work in the art world, I know some people. Holla at your boy.

They say that all good things must come to an end and if that is truly the case, Richard Hobberman must be the exact opposite of a good thing. If you haven't been following the adventures outlined in Spamtastic #5, what started out as a normal job offer scam quickly developed into an online relationship that skittered along the boundaries of both the homosexual and serial killer realms. As far as I know, I am not a homosexual serial killer so needless to say, this made me more than a little uncomfortable. Thankfully for you, I am not me when I am talking to these people so there is little that can stop the flow of idiocy into the inbox.

I had long assumed that the saga of my internet bromance with Richard was over, since it had been some time since he emailed me and I had cut off all communication with him but it seems that the secret is out. Others have taken to name dropping Richard's name in emails in an effort to get my attention. Well, get my attention they did. Below is the initial email that got this whole ball rolling again.

From: "Kath Odie" [odie3214@ymail.com]
Subject: Job Employment

Reference No:- LSLCA/2031/ 8161/05
Batch No:- R4/A313/2-60

Dear Roger P.Garrison, Esq,

This message comes from the response of Dr. Richard Hobberman of the employment form of the reference and batch number stated above,the sole employee of the company. We have got your email and address stating that you are really interested in working with our great company which is just on the verge of growing it's service across various countries here and around Europe.We wish to inform you that we have spread our wings even to the Native Asian countries.

Your address have been forwarded to the finance department of the company and we will like to make the final verification just to ascertain your commitment in rendering your service in support of the growth of our company.

CONFIRM YOUR EMPLOYMENT FORM AS YOU HAVE FILLED EALIER

PERSONAL INFORMATION:

First Name.....................
Middle Name..................
Last Name......................
Street Address {NO P.O.BOXES PLS}..................
City...............................
State.............................
Zip Code........................
Cell Phone Number...............
Home Phone Number.............
Age..................................
Current Occupation.................
Alternate Email Address…………….

We wish to inform you that from our department which is the financial department,we will include a security measure which you will include in communicating with us at the finance department at any time you need to communication or we need to communicate with you.

We have set our code to be A19E90 from our end and it will be 09E91A from your end.Any time we are sending you email we will include the code from our end and will always require you to state the code from your end just to make the transaction secure enough.. Please ignore any email sent to you without including the the transaction code from our end and we will also ignore any email not including the transaction code from your end.You will notify the company a week ahead if eventually you want to discontinue this job. So as to terminate all payment coming your way to avoid conflict.

Congratulations and looking forward to a fruitful time working with you.

PS - Pls reply to confirm receipt of this email confirming of your transaction code and delete this message to protect your code from third party .

Regards

Dr. Kath.
Financial dept,
Tunshin Leo Textiles,
United States of America,Department.

Initially, I didn't read the email all that closely. I just noticed that he had my "full" name and mentioned Richard Hobberman, so I just assumed that this was another person in some department of Richard's fake company that for whatever reason needed my info again. If it meant working with Richard, I was happy to comply. They seemed to be serious about security to I figured that this was the next logical step in whatever fucked up hiring process they employ.

From: Roger Garrison [roger@4kb.com]
To: "Kath Odie" [odie3214@ymail.com]
Subject: Re: Job Employment 09E91A

Reference No:- LSLCA/2031/ 8161/05
Batch No:- R4/A313/2-60

Dearest Dr. "Kath Odie" Kath,

Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to contact me about this. Between you and me, I was a little worried that Mr. Hobberman had dropped the ball and that this thing was going nowhere. It has been some time since I last heard from him and even when I did hear from him, he spent the majority of his email hitting on me. I found that very inappropriate but yet, through it all, I found myself very endeared to Richard. He makes me tingle in my nether regions.

Per your request, I have included my secret code in the subject line of this email so that you know that this is really from me. Truth be told, I think that maybe we could come up with a different method that actually works but look at me coming in and telling you how to run your business. I have also left the reference and batch numbers intact but honestly, I think you just made those up to look cool because Richard never mentioned anything about reference and batch numbers. You don't have to lie to kick it, Dr. Kath. We're still cool.

Also, not to sound crabby or anything but this is the third time that I have filled out the same employment form and it's getting a little old. Look, I'm serious, OK? I don't have to keep filling out forms to prove that I am. So, just because you are a nice person, I will do it this one last time but so help me, if I get another email asking me for this shit, I am going to fly across the internets and punch someone in the face.

So, let's get the form crap out of the way:

PERSONAL INFORMATION:

First Name: Roger
Middle Name: Poultry
Last Name: Garrison
Street Address: 762 Sutter Street
City: San Francisco
State: CA
Zip Code: 94109
Cell Phone Number: 1 415-893-1641
Home Phone Number: N/A
Age: 26
Current Occupation: Waiting to work for you
Alternate Email Address: r2thageezy@4kb.com

I mostly only use that alternate email address for correspondence with my rap friends so if you decide to send me email there, please talk in ebonics or I won't understand what you are saying. If you want, we can battle rap back and forth. I don't know if music is your thing or not but I'm just throwing that option out there to spice up our business relationship.

Also, please note that my birthday is coming up. I don't know if you have a company policy about celebrating or whatever but I'm just letting you know that in case you want to send me something. You know, a cake or whatever. I'll be wearing a funny hat all day that day so please don't plan any teleconference meeting either. I don't want to look like a fool.

So, with my information provided and again and my "seriousness" re-affirmed, please get back to me at your earliest convenience and let me know how things are going to proceed.

I am very excited about working with your company, provided that actual work starts happening soon.

Thank you for your time.

Beaming Back To The Home Planet,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

Pretty straight-forward. Richard dropped the ball on the hiring thing and this dude was picking up the pieces. I'm cool with that. Let's just get me hired already.

And then the twist came.

The next day, I received an email from Richard who mentioned nothing about this other person and was all business as usual (like Richard is prone to do). In fact, Richard is so about business that I received the below email twice, from two different email addresses. I assume that he just wanted to make sure it got to me. Mission accomplished, Richard.

From: "Richard E. Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
To: Roger Garrison [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: Update...Get Back To Me ASAP.

Hello There,

Top of the Day to you out there.How are you today?.I want to Apologise to you for not getting across to you in a long time..I have been very Busy with Work.

I wish to bring it to your Notice that the Payment Check has been sent and in a couple of days you should receive the Package that contains the Check in An Express mail Service {UPS} that contains the Check,if you havent received them already.I am sure you know what to do with the Check when you receive them.

But if you dont, kindly get back to me so i could tell what to do. Kindly get back to me for further Instructions and the Details of the Receiver Via Western Union Money Transfer.I am earnestly waiting for your response as soon as possible.

Please indicate your Interest in the Job as Agreed Upon earlier.

N:B: There is going to be A Check in the Package Via a Courier Express Service which i am going to give you the Tracking Number.Kindly notify me as soon as you receive the Check.

Best Regards,
Richard.

OK, something is not right here. I think the best course of action is to simply ask Richard about this other fellow and see what he has to say.

From: Roger Garrison [roger@4kb.com]
To: "Richard E. Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
Subject: Re: Update...Get Back To Me ASAP.

Dear Richard, Business Partner Extraordinaire,

I am so happy to hear from you. It feels like it has been forever since we last communicated words between one another over the internet. I was starting to wonder whether we were even business partners anymore. I mean, I thought that we had a good thing going but with the way the world works, maybe you decided that you didn't like me anymore and moved on to greener pastures. However, you have at last emailed me again and all is well. My inbox is much happier when you're inside it.

I am excited to hear that work has been busy, which hopefully means that you and me are going to be rolling in the dough soon. I wish that I could say that I have been very busy with work myself but since I work for you and you've sent me absolutely zero work, saying such a thing would be a lie and lying is not something that Roger P. Garrison does. (Unless it was something like us lying together in a field together or whatever then I am totally down with that because it doesn't mean the same thing and doesn't violate the three core principles that I live life by.)

I will admit, Richard, that I am a little concerned, however. Recently, I received an email from Kath Odie concerning job employment. They mentioned that they were referred to me by you and they mentioned you by name. They had some of my information including my full name, so I assumed that their inquiry was related to our business dealings. In the email, they mentioned batch and reference numbers and set up a secure set of codes that we were to use for back and forth communication.

While I am very excited about hearing from you, I can't help but notice that your email includes neither reference/batch numbers or the secret communication codes that I agreed to use with Kath Odie. Since Kath knew your name and mine, I can only assume that it was a legit business contact.

1) If it wasn't a legit referral based on our business dealings, can you explain how Kath Odie was able to obtain my information?

2) Since you didn't use any of the agreed upon security codes in your email, how do I know that you are really Richard Hobberman?

I want to believe this thing is real, Richard, but I need some reassurance and answers because I am starting to get worried about these strangers emailing me and asking for information. This isn't how business is supposed to operate.

Please advise.

Your Friend In The End,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

I've been swindled out of my hard-earned money more than once and I am not about to let it happen again. I patiently wait for a reply from Richard before moving forward because I am really confused right now.

From: "Richard E. Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
To: Roger Garrison [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: Re: Update...Get Back To Me ASAP.

Hello Roger P.,

Thanks for your Email and i am really glad to Hear from you after a Long Silence.I read your email with keen interest and i am willing to supply you with the Answers you requested

1) I DONT KNOW THIS PERSON AND I DIDNT GIVE HIM /HER YOUR DETAILS...YOUR DETAILS ARE KEPT CONFIDENCIAL AND IT HAS NOT BEEN RELEASED TO ANY THIRD PARTY.SO DISREGARD ANY EMAILS FROM THIS PERSON.THEY ARE THE USUAL SCAMMERS ONLINE TRYING TO RIP YOU OFF.

2) IF THERE IS GONNA BE A CODE AS A MEANS OF CORRESPODING THEN I WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU SO.THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AS CODES IN OUR CONVERSATION BACK AND FORTH.THESE ARE DETARCTORS THAT ARE TRYING TO DIVERT YOUR ATTENTION FROM THE POINT.

Dis regard any emails with such Preference.Thanks

Richard.

Oh Richard, your erratic method of typing emails makes me smile. At least he took the time to respond to my questions this time around, though I am still no closer to figuring out the mystery of Kath Odie other than Richard's claims of keeping my information confidential. Somehow, I really doubt that's the case.

But before I could fire off a wondrous reply to Richard, I received another email in my inbox from none other than the man himself, Kath Odie. He seems blissfully unaware that anything is wrong and proceeds to that things are moving along and he will keep me updated.

From: "Kath Odie" [odie3214@ymail.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: Re: Job Employment 09E91A

Hello Roger

Thanks so much for your swift response to my offer, I will keep you updating as soon as possible just make you always get in touch with me

Honestly, I have no idea what the hell he was trying to say to me but I do know that Sir Kath is a liar and scum. Also, he may be trying to scam me over the internet of all places (according to Richard). I decide that a direct and fast confrontation with Kath Odie should be my first course of action. Richard can wait.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "Kath Odie" [odie3214@ymail.com]
Subject: Re: Job Employment 09E91A

Dear Kath Odie,

I will admit to a certain level of surprise with regards to your latest reply back to me, which was based off a reply that I originally sent to you after you sent me an email using a computer that you may or may not have built yourself out of rocks and paper airplane glue. (If so, kudos to you, sir.)

Firstly, I have spoken to Richard Hobberman directly, the person who you claim gave you my information. Richard Hobberman has told me that he did absolutely no such thing and that he doesn't know a person named Kath Odie. He even went so far as to say that you might be trying to scam me. Over the internet. As far as I am concerned, that is quite possibly the worst kind of scamming ever. (It ranks just a little above using counterfeit quarters to pay for lemonade.) I told him that I didn't believe him and that Kath Odie couldn't be as horrible a person as Richard made you sound but now it's time for you to answer to that charge.

Would you mind telling me how you really got my information?

Secondly, you wrote a number of words in your previous email about the topic of security and how you take it very seriously. You went so far as to come up with really lame code numbers that we were supposed to use for our secure communications. If you'll notice, I used them in my email. I used them because I care enough to not give you syphilis over the internet. You, however, did not use any special code of any kind, which left the door wide open for hackers and old ladies to read our communications.

How do I know that you are the real Kath Odie and not some kind of Kath Odie impostor?

I am definitely interested in working with you and your company but if you are just going to lie to me, well, at least lie to me really well so that I don't catch on to the fact that you are lying to me. I'm not the smartest cow on the ranch but I did go on that show with Jeff Foxworthy one time so I definitely know that I can answer more questions than a 5th grader.

Please help me clarify this issue, Kath and we can start working towards building a nice business relationship together. Tunshin Leo Textiles sounds like a wonderful place to work.

Playing The Waiting Game,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

My next step was to get back in touch with Richard and let me him know that I gave Mr. Odie a stern talking to and to find out what our next steps are as business partners since I got all side-tracked with the other guy offering me a job.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "Richard E. Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
Subject: Re: Update...Get Back To Me ASAP.

Hello R-Hobbz,

I am glad that you were able to write me back in such a quick amount of time. I realize that using letters to form words and sentences can be difficult at times but you have proven yourself a worthy challenger to the alphabet and I appreciate that.

While I will admit to being shocked that someone would have the nerve to try and scam people, doing such a thing over the internet of all places is just a truly despicable act. At first, I didn't believe that such a thing were possible but then I asked my psycho-therapist about it and she said that it really does happen. I am glad that you have opened by eyes to the issue of people trying to defraud me and my good nature. You know me, Richard, and you know that I am a kind soul with a giving heart and a lubed up hand. The fact that someone might try and take advantage of that just makes me sick to my stomach. I just threw up all over the portion of my keyboard that has the numbers on it so hopefully I won't have to type any of those.

I have sent a very mean email to this Kath Odie person and I have demanded answers. Normally, I could handle someone attacking me because I totally know a lot of sweet karate moves but for him to bring your name into this whole mess is just not acceptable. I will await his answers back because Kath Odie doesn't seem like a very stand-up individual. Maybe he was trying to send me a virus or something. I don't know.

I am a little worried that I gave him all of my personal information though. I mean, with you, it's different you know but he was a total stranger and now I feel really stupid because I should have seen through his ruse. Why can't everyone in the world be as great as you, Richard? Well, I guess that wouldn't be fair to you then if that was the case because if everyone was the same as you, you wouldn't be all that great -- just another person who is generically awesome. Good thing that there are enough other sucky people around.

I will keep you posted on how this Kath Odie thing turns out.

Also, thanks for clearing up the code thing. I personally thought that the whole idea was really faggy because I could just make up any kind of code and be like, "oh shit this stuff is secure" but it doesn't work that way. You and I live in the real world, Richard. Security is all about defending yourself with nunchuk power, not some gay number system. I really hate when detractors try and divert my attention away from the point.

So, now that we have that scam impostor thing out of the way, how should we proceed? I've been so caught up in trying to defend my good name that I kind of last track where we were business-wise.

Holla back at me with whatever I need to do to get this thing moving on.

With Burning Desire,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

Man, this thing is getting convoluted. Who knew that scamming people on the internet was such serious business that two people have to lie about knowing each other in order to get me to fall victim to it. While I have yet to hear anything back from Kath Odie concerning the allegations, I did receive a recent from Richard detailing how we should move forward.

From: "Richard E. Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: Re: Update...Get Back To Me ASAP.

Dear Roger "P"Garrison,

Uhm i am always liek to hear from you.You are so Full of swet words and you are kind hearted and Hospitable Kinda Person.Well just keep it all Up.

With the Impostor out of the Way .Now this is what you need to do. If you are really interested in working for me..Can you by Chance get to Chat with me as i would like this to be One on One Issue and not Via emails as it will look more real and Nice to chat with you better than through the emails.I am not even good at Typing and it Sucks too.

If you can come online that will be great i am always online on richard1sst@yahoo.com.hk and ou get a hold on Me.I have a better and a Profitable Business Offer tht could fetch you Good Reward {I mean Money} .We afre talking about Hundreds of Thousands of Dollars here and this aint a Joke.If you can come online then this can get done As soon as You want it to.

If you also have a Bank Of America Bank Account or a Credit Card where Funds can be Deposited.it's gonne be of great advantage and use to you and Me.I am hell bent at making you Rich and have a better Life and make the time spent with me a Reasonable one which you will never forget.So get back to me with what you think if you are gonna be down wit this lor not.

You should be receiving the Check really soon.So be on the Look out for it ...I will keep you posted .thanks as i wait for your response as Usual.Dont forget you are to Chat with Me to consolidate on this.

Best Regards,
Richard.

I have no idea what kind of email client Richard is using but I really wish you could have seen the original. Every single line started with an * and there were literally hundreds littered throughout the entire email. I have no idea what would possess someone to do something like that but I can only hope that they were actually little sparkly stars and Richard put them all over the place because I am a really great guy.

So, what now? Will I hear something back from Kath Odie? Will I get online and talk to Richard via IM? Will he really make me insanely rich? I have no idea but you'll just have to stay tuned to find out. I really hope this thing gets wrapped up soon because I am starting to run out of numbers after the decimal to name these updates.

A 14th century king was once quoted as saying, "I would pass on all my land and title for the mere hint of true love." Aside from the fact that I completely made that up, the rest is entirely true and the point is as valid now as it was three seconds ago when I created it. Love is a complicated matter and it's no surprise that deep within each of us as human beings lies a burning desire to love and be loved. Some people spend their entire lives searching for that special someone while others, like myself, find perfection on the very first try. But if the Mormon religion has taught me anything, aside from the idea that magic glasses are awesome, it's that there is no point in settling for just one person to love and lawfully marry, which leads us into the discussion of Olga.

Olga is a young, single woman from Russia who is not only on a quest to find love, she is on a quest to find love OVER THE INTERNET from people she's never met. She's also probably not real. But a minor fact like that isn't enough to stop Roger from striking up a conversation. Join us below as try and unravel the mysteries behind internet dating and importing brides from Russia. I should note that this update series is going to be LONG. I have no idea how many chunks I am going to have to break it up in but I'm probably at three full updates already and there is still communication on-going. What can I say, she likes to talk. So, grab some popcorn or a bottle of water or whatever before you start reading. I don't want you dying mid-way through.

Let's see how this whole thing started:

From: Marriage Agency [0.rasrenjah@fsgee.com]
Subject: You don't know me..

Hello. My name is Olga. I understand that you don't know me, and I don't know you, but in the future all can change probably. I ask that you have given me some minutes on perusals of my letter. I hope that it will not make difficulty to you. Marriage agency in Kanash gave me your e-mail address. To me explained that you very good person and you very much approach to me. I have come to Agency to find the future husband from other country. Why from another country? Because I have been very much disappointed with Men from my country and now I search my life in abroad.

I has tired to be lonely and to carry spend all days equally. I want to love and to be happy! I asked myself a question why I can not it. And I come in this agency with such the request that they have helped me to find the person for that I will happy. Yes certainly I have paid some money that has found the person for me. But what is it the money in comparison with love? Nothing. It is simply emptiness. Love is the most important feeling in a life, without which our lives grey and empty. I shall not speak how many I have paid. I hope that you will understand me. I very much hope that you will be interested in me and we can continue our dialogue after that letters.

And I very much hope that I shall leave in yours opinion good Impression about me. I want to tell some words about me. As I already spoke my name is Olga I'm 26 years. I live in Kanash. You can look my external qualities in my photo which I have attached in the letter. I live with my mum together and I work as doctor the Dentist and I treat a teeth to people. I have gone studies on this profession, in order to help people. I look like on my father because he gave your life to rescue the little girl, and he has rescued he only he lost. I shall tell you about it later. I love my professional though In Russia it is not as well appreciated as in other foreign countries.

I love an active way of life but time not suffices. In my life I dream to find the person with which I can to lead all life and I shall be happy. I dream about big and cheerful, friendly family. I don't search ideal man. The main thing that in him there were high qualities as skill to love, to respect, to appreciate relations, to love children and is skilful to love and make the happy partner. For me the age does not matter because the love has not limit.

I very much hope that you will write to me and will tell about yourself. I am already lonely very long time. I had earlier shot relations but it was failed. I very much hope that you become my unique person in my life. So let's not lose time. I ask you that you have answered my letter and then we can learn each other better. I hope that I have liked to you. If serious relations aren't interesting to you or I am not pleasant to you, say me it please. Is it well?

I very much ask that you have answered to me only to e-mail Marriage Agency:
olgaaswa@yahoo.com

I shall wait from you the letter with the big impatience! Bye bye!
Tired from loneliness Olga

Here is the picture that Olga attached to her email.


(click for big)
Also, if you think the above letter was hard to read, you should have seen it in the original form. Olga doesn't know the meaning of line breaks or paragraphs, so the entire thing was one huge wall of text. I spaced it into sections in an effort stop your eyeballs from bleeding. The grammar simply can't be helped though.

These kinds of letters, while wonderful to receive, usually yield little to nothing in reply but it never hurts to send out a Garrison volley and see if they bite.

From: Roger Garrison [roger@4kb.com]
To: olgaaswa@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: You don't know me..

To my dearest Olga,

My name is Roger Garrison and I am pleased to make your acquaintance!

I understand now that you understand that I understand that I don't know you but I want you to understand that I understand now that after reading your letter, I would really like to get the chance for us to learn more about each other. While I really don't appreciate the fact that the Kanash marriage agency is just handing out my personal details all willy-nilly, I will admit that you sound like a very nice Doctor Dentist. I wasn't aware that such a position existed but with these hard economic times, one has to look to diversifying in order to survive. I mean, you never know when someone might go in for a root canal but also have a broken arm. In that kind of scenario, you really can't afford to wait to treat both symptoms.

I checked out the picture that you attached to your email and I must say that you are very pretty. You totally have that "hey, look at me standing by a fountain" thing going on which I have to admit is very sexy. I would have liked to see more activity in the background but I guess beggars can't be choosers. For example, you know, if there was something like a 12-year old boy riding a donkey and he was just kind galloping through the scene not really paying attention, that would have been very awesome. (I am really into boys riding donkeys by the way.) I also noticed that the bottom of the fountain was kind of dirty. Does Kanash not have city workers to clean up that kind of thing? I will admit that it doesn't take away from your beauty but it is kind of distracting because I am just trying to fantasize about you but the fountain is all, "pay attention to me because I am a dirty little fountain" and I get conflicted. I don't think it makes me gay if I fantasize about a fountain.

But look at me prattle on. I haven't even told you anything about me, yet! As I mentioned above, my name is Roger Garrison and I live in San Francisco, California. I am also 26 years old so it seems like we might be a great match in that department. I am single and looking for a wonderful woman to share my life with. I hold a number of different jobs but I only do so out of boredom because I already have plenty of money. I write a little bit on the side and also I do some payment processing for an art distributor based in India. Just some side work to keep me off the meth. Idle hands are the devil's playground. I used to do some work for a furniture company but it turned out that they were just a bunch of scammers and they were just trying to take all of my money. I hate people like that.

I spend some of my spare time practicing karate to keep in shape. I know some pretty sweet moves that I can use to defend your honor and stuff if we're ever up against trouble. I also like watching sports, especially things like men's volleyball because they are often not wearing shirts and it's the next best thing to watching a gay rodeo with a bucket of ice cream. My favorite flavor is Hersey's Highway. I could just eat that stuff for days.

It sounds as though you have had a very rough life. Being all alone sucks. I mean, you want nothing more than to talk to someone about it but because you have no friends, you turn to writing My Little Pony fan fiction to pass the time. I would love to hear more about your father because he sounds like a very cavalier fellow. I mean, giving my life to rescue the little girl only to find out he lost is a hard thing to swallow. (It's also an even harder thing to understand because I have no idea what you were trying to say in that sentence.)

I would very much like to talk with you some more, Olga. We can get to know each other better and perhaps, you know, move things forward in our relationship.

I look forward to hearing back from you.

With a patient heart,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

I never get my hopes up with the first email. At the start of each adventure, you have no idea about the caliber of person on the other end and what their ultimate goal is. If you're too over-the-top in the first email, they don't reply. If you're not over-the-top enough, then it's just boring to read. This is a very fine line that I walk every day and I don't think that I get enough credit for it. I asked Bank Of America to extend me some but they declined. Fucking economy.

Anyway, blah blah. Olga wrote back. Go read it.

From: Olga [internet-cafe] [olgaaswa@yahoo.com]
To: Roger [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: Hello my the foreign friend!

Hello my friend Roger!

I am very glad to write to you the letter. And I feel myself not habitually because I didn't write the letter before to the person from other country. I don't know how to start write the letter to you. Now I am very glad that we can make the acquainted and to start communicate with you. I did not think that I shall make the acquainted with the person who lives so far from me. but it should be made because I have got tired to be one. I am very glad, that we can get acquainted and find out each other better.

I want to tell you about me. I was born and grown in the city of Kanash in Russia. It isn't big but very beautiful city on the river Volga. I'm 26 years and my birthday on 10 October. I have green eyes, chestnut hair, my growth 170 centimetres. I want to tell that I open woman for all conversations. My former relations were short with the man from Russia. I was disappointed very strongly with him because he has betrayed me. I shall tell you in the next letters more details about it.

I ask to excuse me if I shall not write to you every day. Sometimes I shall write to you after 1 - 2 days. I hope that you understand me that it take a lot of time and force. I always in the form because I occupied with sports and like look well, but sometimes I haven't the time on it. To go, work as the teacher of English language for me studies during I study 5 years in university in order to work in school. To pay my university to me it was necessary to find work. Understand, I should not choose work and consequently I began to earn additionally in local shop. My parents could not pay my research, and I should work independently. From 5 years at school I were concern oneself with volleyball and were on city competitions.

I rejoice lives, but I couldn`t meet the love in the country and consequently have addressed to a site of acquaintances. And then I have met you, it is very interesting to carry on dialogue with you. I haven`t enough friends, they can be counted on fingers of one hand. These people understand and respect me. I want in the life is achieved in everything, that is necessary for the woman. But the main thing of mutual love and happiness.

I wish to ask you about your hobbies, about your work and about your life, simply I wish to understand what you is and as you live. It is very interesting to me. On it I think, that I will finish the letter and with the big impatience I will wait for your answer.

Your new friend Olga!!!

She attached additional pictures to this email, which are much larger and more boring than the one I already posted. If you really must see them, they are linked here and here. Pervert.

It's at this point that you realize you probably have the spammer on the hook. If they're able to look past some extremely obvious sarcasm, chances are good that they will probably look the other way at some more. So, maybe Roger steps his game up a little.

From: Roger Garrison [roger@4kb.com]
To: Olga [internet-cafe] [olgaaswa@yahoo.com]
Subject: Re: Hello my the foreign friend!

Hello your new friend Olga!!!

I am so excited that you had the chance to write me back. I also want to apologize for not being able to write you back sooner. After opening my email and seeing your message, my heart literally skipped a beat. I figured that this probably wasn't very good for my health so I went to the doctor's office to get it checked out. He tried to get all frisky with me and stick a tongue depressor in my anus but I defended myself with all that karate that I know. He then offered me five dollars for my chocolate cherry but I told him that I met someone on the internet and that I was saving it for her. That person is you, Olga. You are the lucky one.

I have to admit that I, like you, used to be so tired from the loneliness but every since we starting exchanging emails, I am so pumped off the steroids of love that I could go smash a vending machine or something. I'm not a violent man but as a child, I was molested by a rogue vending machine under the guise of offering me free candy so I try to take out any excess frustrations on them whenever possible. I like to call this my "hulking out" time. I don't turn green or anything when I hulk out but I go blind in one eye and start coughing a lot. It's really not very pretty to be around so thankfully it only happens once a month or so.

I can't help but comment on the very interesting writing style that you seem to have acquired. I can really tell that those five years of English lessons really paid off. I just wish that I had paid more attention in school because then I might be able to decipher what style of English you're using. And don't sweat the 1 or 2 day wait between replies. I'm a patient man. Also, I realize that because of your Russian education, you're probably a very slow reader and it takes considerable time and skill to butcher common grammar with such mastery. Sometimes, it's like you're speaking in code.

Speaking of your replies, you are such a tease, Olga, It seems that with every new letter, you tell me about all of the stuff that you're going to tell me in your next letter, only you never do. Like, for example, in the last letter you told me that you were going to tell me all about your father and how he cost me my life saving the girl who got lost but sadly, you didn't mention him. Now, you promise me future tales of your former relations but I will admit that I remain skeptical if the past has taught me anything. I'm all for just laying everything out there and rolling with whatever comes next. I like relationships to be built on trust and honesty.

You see, because of my success as an American businessman, there are always people trying to come out of the woodwork looking for a handout or to scam me. I've put my love out on a line many times only to wind up getting burnt in the end. Thankfully, they've invented a new cream for gonorrhea but still, it's quite embarrassing. To help us get better acquainted, I have put a picture of myself online so that you can see what I look like. I hope that you don't laugh at me because I had just got done swimming so I don't look my best.

My picture:

If you feel that I am hideous and you don't want to write me back, I understand. Sometimes I put a bag over my head when I go out to eat so that people don't call me names like "Elephant man" and "Russell Crowe." I particularly hate that last one because I look nothing like the guy and I am infinitely more successful.

Olga, I hope very much to hear back from you soon. I am starting to think that we are really making a connection here and that brings a smile to my face. I wish you the best and safe travels to and from the internet cafe that bears your namesake.

Until next time, I wait.

With Onion Breath,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

In the original email, I actually didn't attach the picture but only included a web link directly to it. The idea behind this was to try and grab the IP address from the web logs and maybe narrow down the actual location of whoever is sending the emails. (Thanks Hunter!) Much to my dismay, she never visited it. I guess some spam artists are smarter than they let on.

I really wanted to include another series of replies before ending today's edition of Spam Adventures but after a quick view, both are really long and I didn't want to risk dragging this update into the "too long; didn't read" territory. You're probably not reading this anyway but at least you won't blame it on being too long. You'll have to come up with some other excuse. I'm tired of doing all of the thinking for you.

Will Roger find true love? Does Olga secretly have a penis? You'll have to wait and find out! Join us again soon for the next installment of Spamtastic Adventures #6: The Search For Internet Booty.

In case you missed the first update in the sixth installment of the adventures that are spamtastic, you should probably go back and read it because I'm not going to sit here and summarize it for you. I mean, I am all for the empowerment of people but this is just bordering on plain laziness. Go on, read it. I'll wait.

Are you finished? Good. Today we continue chatting with Olga, a nice woman from Russia who wants nothing more than tender love from one Roger Garrison. Things have started out slow like any good relationship should but I think it's safe to say that I am probably at the email equivalent of second base. If my previous relationships have taught me anything, however, things are about to go downhill from here. Cue lots of crying and apologies.

From: Olga [internet-cafe] [olgaaswa@yahoo.com]
To: Roger [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: Your new friend Olga will wait from you for letters!

Hi my friend Roger!

Was very glad to see your letter. It was very pleasant to receive again the letter from you. I hope, that you do not object to my questions which I now I shall set. Because that we continued between us the correspondence very important as far as the person can listen to you and turn to you attention. And so my first question, what I would like to know than you are engaged in general? Your work? Than particularly you are engaged? Your hobbies? What would you like to make in a life?

Why I ask on such with a kind simple questions attention. Because when you will start answer them I can to understand about you vital representation as you behave and in the life. I wanted you to inform, that I use services of the translator. And please I very much ask to be patient to me because when you ask any question and I do not answer on it I ask you that you to me about it have asked more particularly. Tell to me about the work? Than you are engaged? In how many you rise for the work? How far to be your work from your house? Roger I ask you do not set to me hasty questions I shall tell to you about me all but not at once. You learn about me all on a course of our correspondence.

Now I shall tell to you a little about the work. At once I shall tell, that it very much the tough job and demands the big attention in relation to other to people. I work as the therapist. And main my duty is service of the personnel that my patients were under correct supervision of their attending physicians. My fellow workers also are considered with me and with my correct decisions when to me my work is necessary to do. dear I to you wished to tell mine not much about myself. I was born also a vein in the family one. At me not when should brothers not sisters. Yes to me it was not much boring but to disappear to me was not where. I not when did not idle.

When I was at home I always engaged what be interesting business. I very much like to spend time on fresh air. I like to walk on park where full trees where silence and rest. I not when not that did not collect even itself I do not know why. My favourite color red. I wish to tell that I very much like to prepare. To me to like to spend time at a plate and to prepare for very tasty dishes. I very good cook so have told my mum. I know many tasty dishes. And for me at all the problem to prepare what be a dish. And in general my favourite meal is pel'menis a potato a baked pudding. And many other things.

At leisure I sometimes visit fitness club where I am engaged in maintenance of my figure. Sometimes in the evening we with mum simply sit and we talk also to us very well together. My mum very well person also was very very glad when I have told to her that I have got acquainted with you. My mum is confident that you very good person. In general to me not that that is sick to tell about the hobbies I live only work and the house and that I do at leisure already has told. I very much am interested in you you for me very good person and when we with you exchange letters to me very interestingly to read them.

It happens, that from my patients I should accept flowers as that their treatment has passed fruitfully and very successfully when they did not hope at all for such result. I watch that all was carried out in conformity with rules of the schedule from A and Z. You understand Roger, that I on the work should be firm with the patients and the personnel but when you are houses simply would like tenderness of love and caress from loved the man. Frequently when I am I am free on the days off like to read fiction. At me not so big library of a house and I frequently take books from city library to fill the life the fine moments. I do not like to waste time simply and never I do any acts before I shall not think of it well. Very important value which I adhere " Be dear and respect opinions of others (let even they do not deserve it) ".

Now you understand Roger why I have decided to write only to you? I respect opinion of other person and I think, that the criticism is a good thing which sets the person thinking that you do, and whether correctly you do it. I allow to you small representation about that what I there is actually that have a little understood, that I for the person. I hope, that you write to me and will tell to me more about myself directly. I ask you Roger do not set to me hasty questions all about myself I shall tell during our correspondence. I to you shall tell about myself all.

You are very interesting to me Thanks for your attention. On it I shall stop, and I shall write to you later.

Yours faithfully in all sincerity, Olga!

I warned you that some of these letters can get pretty long. I think she's one of the only spammers that can really match me in email length. Of course, half of her sentences don't make any sense but that's half the fun. I think.

At this point, it became obvious to me that I could step up my game a little and be more over the top than I have been. Honestly, if she can't accept me for who I am (and the people that I make up), then we really shouldn't be together in the first place. I think.

From: Roger Garrison [roger@4kb.com]
To: Olga [internet-cafe] [olgaaswa@yahoo.com]
Subject: Re: Your new friend Olga will wait from you for letters!

To my sweet camel Olga,

I will have to admit that I obtained quite the case of blue balls while waiting for your latest message. I guess waiting the 1 - 2 days between replies was harder than I thought. I tried to occupy my mind by calling up a local escort service that I know but once the girl arrived, I was so infuriated that it wasn't you that I made her dress up in clown make-up and sing "Happy Birthday" while I threw wine bottles at her head. It has become plain to me that no other woman will suffice but you, Olga and just before I thought I might explode, your message arrived. (And then I *really* exploded, if you know what I mean.)

I am sorry that I am so slow to send along my reply to you. Your email messages are so long and detailed and I have to wind up employing the help of my neighbor's son who is retarded to help me figure out what it is you mean. I spent three hours trying to figure it out on my own but my brain started to melt so I said "fuck it" and I went and made toast. Toast is delicious. When you come out to visit me, you can make me toast because your place is in the kitchen and not mouthing off. I have a muzzle you can wear if your push me. Seriously.

After reading your message, I am happy that you are interested in knowing more about me. The questions you asked were very well thought out and I am starting to wonder if I might be psychic because I answered all of them before you even asked. No, really, in the first email I sent you. Remember? The one where you said you would tell me about you father and shit? Yeah, you didn't do any of that. I'm not going to say that I am let down but I am whatever a synonym of being let down is. I've mentioned before that I hate repeating myself but what are sacrifices for if not for love? Let me try and tackle your questions in the order you asked.

Am I engaged? No. Well, I guess I am currently engaged in conversation with you but I don't quite think that is what you were talking about and besides, conversation never puts out. I don't really do much in the way of work. This is because I don't have to anymore. I made a ton of money off that Pets.com sock puppet thing during the dot com boom and I'm pretty much set for life. I basically just throw dinner parties and drive around in nice cars all day. Sometimes I even throw nice cars during my dinner parties but they have to be pretty special for me to do that. Lifting cars throws my back out.

Since I have so much free time, as you have probably imagined, I have a lot of hobbies to occupy my time. Since I am a completely awesome person, my interests are quite diverse. I'm pretty much into whatever fascinates me at the time. You know, one day I might rent a homeless person and ride him like a pony or I find myself trolling facebook and urging suicidal emo kids to stop being pussies and just go for it already. I really am a social butterfly. However, one of my favorite pastimes involves taking under-privildeged children to the bowling alley for a few games. Granted, I wind up using those same kids as my bowling balls but no one ever really gets seriously injured and they get a happy meal afterward if they don't whine too much. It's pretty much a win-win for everyone involved. As you can see, I am definitely a man of the people.

I sent you my picture in the last email and you didn't say anything about it in your reply so I hope you got a chance to check it out. I'm no super model like you, Olga but I am doing the best with what God gave me. I was topless and I hoped that would have really gotten your female parts motoring but maybe not. Speaking of pictures, I noticed that you mentioned your mom a lot in your reply. What do you think about this idea? Maybe you send me a picture of your mom also. If you have one of the two of you, that would be spectacular. She sounds like a real Russian cougar and my hand is down for some mental threesome action.

But, you know, that's probably enough about me. I would much rather spend the rest of this email critiquing your horrible existence. I noticed that in your first email, you mentioned that you were working as a Doctor Dentist but now you claim that you are a therapist. Are you like that Orly Taitz person who holds like 15 jobs all in accredited fields? If so, kudos to you. Otherwise, you're just a liar. (For the record, I find liars hot!) Also, I don't know how the rules work in Russia but in America, we're not allowed to just "take" books from the library. That shit is called stealing and it is against the law but I totally have a dark, criminal side too so all of your naughty talk is really starting to turn me on.

I think we are really making a solid connection here, Olga. I have met many persons over the internet in the past but you are someone who is clearly not a made-up persona in an attempt to swindle me out of something. I have told all of my friends about and they all think that I am nuts. They think that you can't be real. Well, they used to think that. I set one of them on fire after he mouthed off and now the rest don't talk to me much anymore. But, you are real, aren't you, Olga? The blow-up doll that I have in my closet isn't real and my blow-up doll can't type emails because that breaks the laws of science or something. So, conclusion: you can type emails so you must be real.

I will be honest and mention that I don't really know where this whole thing is going, Olga, my love. You write these extremely long emails to me but I don't feel that we are really moving forward. We're just chatting over email. What are our future steps? What are our plans? Olga, my heart laughs with sorrow at each moment that we are apart. (Shakespeare said that same thing once but don't let it cheapen the impact.)

I am eagerly awaiting to hear back from you, sweetness.

When The Clock Ticks,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

During the time period between replies, emails to Olga's old email started to bounce and I feared that this would be the end of the journey to find true love. Just when I had given up all semblance of hope, I received a short email from Olga at a new email address. She claimed that her old email "broke" and that she would be sending me a new letter very soon. Great. Like clockwork, the letter arrived a few days letter and we rev this adventure back up.

From: Olga [internet-cafe] [olgalove99@yahoo.com]
To: Roger [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: Your new friend Olga will wait from you the letters!

How are you Roger? I hope that all is good!

I again and again receive your letter and I'm glad that I can write to the person who is very far from me. Now the Summer in our country. It's such time Very much hot and many people use a lot of water. I shall tell you about myself. My childhood period was very severe but not rigid as my parents gave me a lot of attention. I was the only child in family and consequently have not brothers and sisters. My education wasn't absolutely modern at that time but my parents never beat and tried to give me all for understanding of world.

My mother Vera until recently worked in a kindergarten where she worked as the cook and prepared a meals for children. She was considered as the good expert of the class and was very much appreciated. Now my mother Vera is working in security agency. As all female professions in Russia doesn't appreciate and so pay very little. My father Alexander had died when I was 8 years. He died on work when he pulled out the little girl from fire, my father worked as the fireman. He rescued own life for safe this girl from fire but unfortunately could not escape itself. It was very hard to recollect it. When similar things occur to your close people it remains for all life.

Probably therefore I have decided to go on such trade as the doctor to help people. Now you know some details of my life and I want to tell you about myself in more detail and than I like to be engaged. I very much like dialogue with people and consequently from everyone your letters I will try to take something good for myself. Understanding between the person very important for me. I like to dance and try regular visit gymnastics hall because see about my figure. I do not like to use a lot of cosmetics, I think that the natural beauty is much better than use of any cosmetics. Sometimes with my friends and fellow workers I can afford rest and we go in the forest and there we do shish kebabs or collect mushrooms and berries.

Certainly I can dare to go on the disco but I do not like music. In music I preference such great musicians as Bethoven. I very much like composition " the Lunar sonata " .If you did not hear then necessarily listen to it Roger. In general I like classical and instrumental music. This music gains, except for that is pleasant on hearing. In the childhood I even tried to write verses and rather not badly it turned out. Probably I shall send you some my products if it will be valid interestingly. I already spoke that I don't like to waste time simply and therefore I occupy time from a decline and till a dawn. I very much like to prepare such dish (you probably heard about it) as Russian pel'menis. This very tasty dish.

Also I can cook the Ukrainian borshch for you, but some products that I was able to do it in domestic conditions are necessary for all these dishes. It is really very tasty when you prepare. My mother speaks that I would be left by the quite good cook and I could earn good money somewhere at restaurant. But I have chosen for myself absolutely other trade. You know we do not presume to buy phone or a computer and consequently I write to you from the Internet of cafe which it is a lot of at us in city. I also shall give my address on which I live with my mother. You can see it.

My full name : Olga Nefedova
my full home address:
Street Green 13,
Apartment 101.
Kanash,
postal-code 429335,
Russia

Probably the address will exchange because my mother wants to change our apartment on more cheaper for payment, but in any case I shall inform you about it. I can name you if will be, know your full telephone number. I shall try to receive the salary on the next week and then to try to talk with you. If I receive the salary I shall inform you about it and we can agree when me to call to you. But usual I can call only in the evening time.

On it I finishing the letter and I shall wait from you e-mail tomorrow . Looking forward to hear from you soon Take Care Bye.

Your friend Olga!

She mentions so much stuff in each of her letters that remembering all of it to use in a reply can be difficult. I just realized, belatedly, that she mentions writing/recording music in the letter above and I never asked her to send me samples. I will have to make a mental note to include that in a future reply because I can only imagine how amazing that would be if she actually sent me something and it was horrible.

From: Roger Garrison [roger@4kb.com]
To: Olga [internet-cafe] [olgalove99@yahoo.com]
Subject: Re: Your new friend Olga will wait from you the letters!

Hello Olga, you sexy mop bucket!

I again and again receive your letters too and I'm glad that you haven't stopped confusing the hell out of me with your inane gibberish. Sometimes I read your emails after I've been on a three day bender and they start to make some sense but I think that is just the booze talking because if I try reading them sober, I just want to smash my face against the computer monitor and end my pitiful existence. In other words, if you started making sense, I would probably have to stop drinking and I would lose interest pretty quickly. I like my women with a bit of mystery.

I am glad that you were able to contact me again after the big bad American company shut down your other email account. I enjoy our talks greatly and you make my testicles tighten considerably every time you send me a new message. I have no idea what would cause them to cancel your account because I know that you are nothing but a fine, upstanding young lady with no ill intentions but these kinds of things happen. Maybe Yahoo has some kind of Cold War animosity or something and they don't want us to be together. I'm used to that. Playas be hatin' on other playas, Olga. It's just something you become accustomed to when you live the life.

Thank you for telling me more about your family. Your mother, Vera, sounds like a real fox and I can't wait to meet her as well. I mean, any adult that would be considered the "expert" of a Kindergarten class is someone special indeed. You would think she was a fourth grader or something with all of the awe she inspired in the other children. Did you ever hear that Adam Sandler song, "Lunch Lady?" That's probably your mom. Her, sloppy joe, and six kids. I'm very sorry to hear the story about your dad for the fourth time. My dad has a very similar story to yours in that it's a story that I made up to tell strangers in order to gain some sympathy for my cause. I think he died trying to have relations with a vacuum cleaner or something equally tragic.

All of the details that you tell me about yourself continue to intrigue me, Olga. You sound like you lead a very boring life with all of the book reading and mushroom collecting. I would like to be the one that adds a little spice to your life. Like, for example, instead of reading a book you could wash my car or perhaps get hooked on heroin. Maybe even get hooked on heroin and then wash my car? I don't really know the effects that a heroin addiction has on one's ability to wash a car but I am sure that nothing bad could come of it. I honestly don't really care what you do as long as my car gets washed. Seriously. Don't come back in the house until that shit is shiny. I can't be seen out on the town unless the rims are gleaming, for reals.

I am glad that we are still able to surprise one another in our emails. This bodes well for our long-term relationship not getting stale. I mean, you're just talking nonsense about not having a computer or whatever then BAM, you just post your address right in the middle of that shit. You didn't even warn me that it was coming and I had to take a step back and gather my thoughts before continuing. It doesn't make any logical sense and I love it. I honestly have no idea what the hell I am supposed to do with it except for look it up on Google maps and try and find you in the photos, especially given that you are probably going to move, but whatever. I can only hope to be as good at surprising you as you have been me. Maybe I can just be talking about my butler or the rash on my balls and then out of nowhere say, "My keyboard has 101 keys!" and move on like nothing happened. I realize that isn't as good as you but that was only my first try so please be patient with me.

Since you have asked, I will provide you with my own set of personal information. Please don't give out my information to any other strangers. I am a very honest man and I don't want to be tempted to cheat on you if one of your hottie friends emails me and is all, "sup?". I realize that the Russian dating service was a little free with the information that I gave them but that is because they are a bunch of assholes. You are a much better person than that, Olga, and I feel that I can trust you.

First Name: Roger
Middle Name: Poultry
Last Name: Garrison
Street Address: 762 Sutter Street
City: San Francisco
State: CA
Zip Code: 94109
Cell Phone Number: 1 415-893-1641
Home Phone Number: N/A
Age: 26

As much as I don't want this party to stop, I feel like I should probably end this email soon and move on to doing more important things like clipping my toenails. I highly doubt that you're even reading any of this so I am just going to phone the next few sentences in and put in a bunch of nonsense to see if you even notice. The banner observes the folded slave. A yawn relaxes? A shade decides around a criterion! The circulating citizen scrolls the verb past the loud jungle. The porter worms the commissioned anniversary. A dead misinterprets a triple wrist.

I bet that is going to confuse the crap out of your translator.

Anyway, I look forward to hearing back from you soon, Olga. You are the sunshine in my otherwise cloudy existence and honestly, I could use a tan.

With Bleached Teeth,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

Again, due to length, I am going to stop at just posting four emails this time around. If you're of the type that is all "Oh my god, I can't see the big picture and this sucks" then tough shit. I run things around here and this is how I roll. I will post another update in the near future to continue my romantic chatter with the new love of my cyber life.

I wish that I could say that in this third installment of the sixth Spamtastic edition stuff was about to get real but since I would never under any circumstances say the phrase "stuff is about to get real," I can't. Below, Olga prattles on and on about whatever she prattles on about and Roger writes back with entirely sarcastic and negative comments that would make any sane person recoil in shock. He is clearly not a romantic.

I honestly don't even have the mental energy to write any more words about the fact that I spent a lot of time already writing words back to someone who spent a lot of their time writing me words so I think it best if we just got straight to the next batch of letters. Enjoy them, or don't. It makes no difference to me.

In this edition, we learn about Olga's friend Natasha, Natasha's husband Vasily, his drinking problem, and Olga's wondrous views on what a good relationship should entail.

From: Olga [internet-cafe] [olgalove99@yahoo.com]
To: "Roger" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: Roger I shall wait from you the letter soon!

Hi my dear friend Roger!

And again I receive from you the letter. And you know, I am glad to this letter from you Roger. Dialogue with you is interesting for me. I think that its very interesting to communicate with you. Many thanks to you for your beautiful and big letter. I read it very long. From me has occupied a lot of time. As, many thanks to you for your full address and your full name. I will write down it just in case.

Today my day has passed not absolutely well as it would be desirable. On my work I saw unpleasant case. It happens in many countries and cities of our world, but I can tell it to you. Very pleasant for us nurse works have problems with the husband. Their relations have developed after a marriage not so well and after got pregnant and birthed of the child their relations only were complicated also distances an appreciable crack in their relations. This the nurse call Natasha and husband Vasily. This Vasily doesn't work anywhere and also our dear employee Natasha very much suffers because of it. And today Vasily came on our work in a state of intoxication, he started to demand money, his thirst could calm only one bottle of an alcoholic drink.

But our Natasha refused on all egos of the requirement to give him money. And this the man (I don't have words such as I could name him) Was threw on the wife and started to beat our kind and good Natasha. We the female collective of hospital came in the late time, therefore Natasha has received some serious traumas from her husband. And when arrived the police and began to take away Vasily, his wife Natasha run out and risened before a policeman that they could not take away his husband.

I recollect it with a pain. I very much understand Natasha, she love the husband and could do nothing with it. While her husband use her. I against such relations. I think that its very bad when the husband in a similar way uses the wife for the similar purposes. Its very pity to Natasha. She sincerely likes and doesn't notice bad things which her husband does. Do you understand Roger that only I want to have the man who will give me only the love. I have more than anything from it,its necessary for me. I don't want that any trouble has happened with me.

Therefore I'm not intereste to have the man in Russia. I cannot rely on such the man and I haven't any trust to the person who deceive me. Haw I can trust such to the man? I would not want to love such the man. And consequently when I had long acquaintance with the guy. We met with him 1,5 years, he started to use my trust in the bad purposes and I left this person. My disappointment in the Russian men is very great and consequently I have decided to get acquainted with you. I think it is good that I made the acquainted with you Roger.

I know that is possible sometime you ask me about arrival in your country. And you already know that I cannot afford arrive to you. Also I know about many a case when women from Russia deceive men from other countries and consequently I shall never ask your money. I want no questions on mistrust. I saw people who very rich to live, but they aren't so happy and now I understand that I'm the girl who earns to itself the money and let it a little. But I can be pleased to lives and help for a life to mother. I understand necessity of money but its not the main thing for me. There are vital values for me which at the cost much more surpass money. And I shall be glad to know that you also the person who appreciates instead of money namely feelings. I ask to forgive me if I something have offended in the letter, I sincerely did not want it to do. But now I'm finishing the letter Roger.

Thanks that you have read this letter. You are for me more than the friend.

Always yours faithfully, Olga!

She attached yet another picture of herself standing in what looks like the exact same park as before but this time, she decided to forgo using any kind of make-up that might make her look reasonably attractive.


(click for big)
Finally, we're starting to get hints at what the scam might actually be. Obviously, she wants to come to America but she doesn't have the money. There is no way that should would ever ask me for money but it never hurts to spend an entire paragraph talking about that fact. Just a reminder: she would *never* ask for money. At this point, though, I am pretty much beyond trying to be nice or actually follow whatever plot she is trying to lay out and I am more about just making fun of her.

From: Roger Garrison [roger@4kb.com]
To: Olga [internet-cafe] [olgalove99@yahoo.com]
Subject: Re: Roger I shall wait from you the letter soon!

Hello Olga, my lubricated turtle!

My day is always brightened when I open up my mailbox and find out that a new letter has arrived from you. With all of the bad people out there on the internet trying run some scam or another, it's very refreshing to finally meet someone like you online who is genuine and doesn't bother to hide the fact that she probably has down syndrome. I mean, it's really not something that you should be ashamed of because who knows, that extra chromosome might really come in handy one day. Perhaps it holds the key to super-human strength or something. Probably not, you know, but my therapist told me that I should start saying positive things to people whom I would otherwise consider retarded.

Speaking of retarded, thank you so much for continuing to send me all of those wonderful pictures of yourself. I've started a home crafts project to create a wall mural dedicated solely to you. It's a little ghetto because I am not really that good with construction but I managed to set aside some glue that I promised myself I wouldn't sniff and started pasting things to the wall. Since I don't have that many pictures of you yet, I interspersed some of your pictures with pictures of actual models to whom I find more attractive than you. I hope that you don't mind but let's be real: a entire wall of just your pictures would make me softer than unbaked cookie dough and that doesn't work when I am trying to please myself. You know the drill. I even built a special little shelf where I can put little Olga collectibles like bits of your hair and maybe some jars of saliva. I don't have any of those things yet but I have my fingers crossed that the people I hired will bring me some soon. If you see some strange people hanging around you while you're trying to sleep, don't panic. They're with me.

It was very interesting to me to hear more about your co-worker Natasha. Does she swing much? Don't get offended; I'm just asking if maybe I can get some 2-for-1 action because that guy, Vasily, sounds like a real douchebag and Natasha sounds like she could use a break. Either way, whatever. I'm just throwing that out there "just in case." I'm here for you or your friends (or both) and I just want you to know that.

It sounds like you ladies have your hands full dealing with Russian men. Honestly, they don't sound much different than some American men I know so apparently that's just the way things go. I have a friend, Wes, who is a total slob. He drinks all day and parties all night without the need for a job because he married some chick who is working two jobs to support him. I hang out with him all the time because he's totally cool and gives me tons of money but that doesn't mean that I agree with his life choices. He doesn't beat his wife like Vasily did but sometimes he does beat me if I ask nicely. Whatever -- it's the weekend and sometimes we don't have anything to do. Sun tanning naked and jerking each other is NOT gay. I don't care what society says.

With all of this talk about abusive men and horrible husbands, sometimes I wonder if the ancient Greeks weren't on to something though. I mean, sure, you could marry a girl if you wanted but sometimes, maybe you just wanted to wrestle with a little boy while you were not wearing pants. No one judged you and the little boy was getting some valuable life experiences in the process. I'm not saying that doing such things with a boy is something that is up my alley but, you know, if I was in an alley and the time was right, who knows what would happen. I'd probably just get mugged knowing my luck. Have you ever been mugged Olga? It's not fun. Unless you're just role-playing.

This one time, I asked this chick if we could role play and she was totally down with it. We decided on doing the whole "I'm going to break into your house because I am a mean criminal" scenario and she was stoked. She got on the bed and waited for me upstairs while I broke into the house through the window. After 10 minutes or so, she came downstairs and saw me disconnecting her new plasma TV from the wall. She asked what the hell I was doing and told me that she was going to call the police. I tied that bitch up, yanked the phone out of the wall, and ran off with the TV. I kept role-playing all the way to the pawn shop where I made a cool $2000.00. If I start something, I'm going to see it all the way to completion.

I understand your situation about wanting to get out of Russia but not having the financial means to do so. I want to get on the Forbes 100 list but I am a few dollars shy myself, so I can sympathize. I really want to meet you, Olga, since I consider you a wonderful friend. I appreciate the fact that you would never ask me for money because I got that shit locked up tight but maybe we can work something out. What would be the ideal way to proceed? I mean, I could always plan a trip out to Russia at some point. That way I could meet up with your Mom and maybe Natasha and we can have a good old nasty time together. Of course, I can always see about making arrangements for you in San Francisco as well. If you're ashamed of me, perhaps we could meet in some adjacent country where nobody knows who we are. I have some contacts in Nigeria and India that can help us out there.

I don't know, I guess you tell me what to do. I will wait patiently to hear back from you. I enjoy our conversations and look forward to many more like them because I am a sucker for the incomprehensible.

With Prescribed Love,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

It didn't take her very long to write me back but I will admit that I was a little surprised at the below letter since she finally starts to question whether I am making any sense or not. I am starting to wonder if she just now got around to actually reading what I was writing. There's only one way to find out: reply back to her and be even more cruel and over the top than I have been.

From: Olga [internet-cafe] [olgalove99@yahoo.com]
To: "Roger" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: I wait from your the letter Roger, with hope!

Hey my dear Roger!

I again receive your letter and I very much like to receive your letters Roger. You in 1000 miles from me and seems a little bit strange when you so far from me, but however you continue write to me the letters Roger! I admit that I sympathize you and its probably even more. You write me in any time, Arouse the some sensations I'm at you? Are you feeling the liking to me? Arise feeling when you write or speack with the person, that you know this person all life. As if we know each other all life and my life connect with you Roger. I have removed the questionnaire for the sake of you from the Internet and now I correspond only with you. You very necessary to me and I don't wish to lose you. I'm true to you! I cannot explain it but its possible. Haw you can explain it to me Roger?

When I read your letters which you have written, sometimes re-read several times so to understand that you write to me. Sometimes I have problems with reading your letters because I use the translator program for understand your letters. But I try to understand yours e-mail completely. Its understanding very important for us Roger. If the people don't understand each other it is not possible to build some relations. Do you agree with me Roger?

I think relations between the man and the woman should be equal in rights (50/50). I cannot allow that my partner consider me with contempt or smaller interest. Do you understand it Roger? I think that if the woman have decided to devote yourself for a life (not for entertainments) its necessary respect her, also to like and properly concerns her. And I know experience of my girlfriend Natasha I shall never allow so to address with myself. I think you understand it Roger. So if you have really decided to choose serious relations it should be not violence with respect to one person, we shall give obligations each other, such as: respect, trust, love, sincerity.

I can enumerate this list during long time but it not so important. In my mind that you in any sense trust me and believe me, that it is not casual. Probably our meeting is destiny but I don't know it. In the world is a lot of things about which we does not know or simply does not understand it. And now I have question. Do you want really serious relations with me? It is very important knowing to me with all sincere. Because the further dialogue with me perhaps will not pleasant to you and if you decide to write to me and do not want to see my letters.

Now I'm very much worry and would like to know your opinion concerning my letter, I can understand so many things concerning me and you Roger. I want to send you a photo of my city. So you can see place where I live and I want to ask that you will send me a photo of your city and tell me where do you live. I very want to see your house and your place of work and what do you do and where go for a walk. Well? I very much hope that you tell me all this!

Now I shall tell you a small history from my childhood. In the childhood I have tried to study the world but in the majority of a case has understood that it isn't impossible. The life casual also is unpredictable. And it meaning of the life-to be unpredictable. If you know what will be tomorrow it would become boring to live. Are you afree with me Roger? And consequently when I look at your letters, think that you probably that person with whom I will be happy and also to give me a new life as well as I to you. But I do not know about your next letter beforehand and consequently I think that for me it will be important to know your opinion and consequently I wait from you the letters with the big hope. I think you understand everything in this e-mail.

If I have written to you that you don't take offence on me I very badly use a computer and the Internet!

With all sincerity from the heart to yours Roger.
Olga!

"Are you feeling the liking to me?" Oh yes, baby, very much so. Your emails make me so hot. I also love the "don't take offense" to my letters because I suck at using a computer and the internet. No, you suck at writing letters. The computer and the internet have nothing to do with it.

From: Roger Garrison [roger@4kb.com]
To: Olga [internet-cafe] [olgalove99@yahoo.com]
Subject: Re: I wait from your the letter Roger, with hope!

Hello Olga, my tainted seaweed!

It has been many days since we last corresponded and because of that, I want to start out with an apology. I had a pregnancy scare that I had to, you know, take care of so I didn't have the time this week to sit around and chat on the internet. The guy I was with promised me that he would pull out in time but, surprise, he didn't. Men are such pigs. Also, I learned something very valuable from the doctor: apparently shoving an entire regulation size NFL football up your rectum is not very healthy. Wow, what a total knowledge bomb. Who knew something that could feel so good would be so bad for you? Just when I thought that I knew everything there was to know about medical stuff. (I watch a lot of House and ER on television.)

I've been in a very bad mood for the past couple of days. One of my good friends called me and told me that his dog recently died. This nearly brought me to tears but of course, I didn't cry because I am not some sissy faggot who watches theater. It's just that the dog and I were close. VERY close, if you get my drift. I loved that little guy. It wasn't unusual for me to head over to his house with a jar of peanut butter and be MIA for the entire weekend. Shit was that good. But, you know, I guess you have to look on the bright side: with the dog dead, now there is more room in my heart (and pants) for you, Olga. Congratulations, you are the replacement for a dog. You can call you friends and finally tell them that you've made it.

I spent some time yesterday reading through all of the past letters that you sent me and I was very excited to re-learn that you are a musician. I, myself, and sometimes when I am not myself enjoy music immensely. I once had an orgy while listening to music and it was the highlight of my day yesterday. You mentioned that you could send me some of the music that you have made and I am very excited about giving it a listen. If you are half as good as keyboard cat is, I can't wait to hear some of your work. I'll try and remind you later in this letter to send some music along because knowing you, you'll probably forget about the music and never mention it again. I do that too, sometimes, but mostly only about the memories of Christmas with my "uncle" at his house.

I think it's really cute that you are so opinionated about a great many things like marriage and how a women should be treated. You sound as though you have really given these things a lot of thought and that they mean a lot to you. I mean, honestly, it's not like your ideas really matter to me because I run things out here like I see fit but you seem so motivated about them. Never mind that it's like watching a crippled puppy try and jump up on the couch or a paraplegic who pledges to walk again. That's not going to happen without some kind of divine intervention. When you use big words and talk of your grand ideas, it makes me laugh with my mouth and occasionally with other body parts.

I wholeheartedly agree with your list of obligations: respect, trust, love, and sincerity. Respect, as in you would respect me or suffer a trip to the hospital and trust that I wouldn't rat you out to immigration or something for a quick buck. I'd love nothing more than to bring sincerity to the relationship but I am pretty sure that last part is against a religion that I just made up. I ran into a Muslim guy the other day and he was talking all about his 72 virgins in heaven or whatever. I'm like, fuck that, I got this fine broad out in Russia who probably likes double penetration. What the hell do I need with a virgin? He ran off after that and I think blew up some shopping center or something. I didn't care much. It was only a Trader Joe's and only hippie people shop there. Not shaving your armpits should be a crime.

I would very much like to see some pictures of your city and I will work on collecting some of mine. I know a few homeless people up the street who I can probably pay to pose in funny positions while I snap the photos. You know, like having four of them do the YMCA thing or maybe two of them could be having sex while the other guy breaks into a car in the background. Maybe I will call the series "Homeless people committing felonies." I don't know, I'm just on some crazy artistic shit right now so if you're not on my level, I understand. I've been taking uppers for four straight days and I am w-i-r-e-d. I'll sleep when I am dead, which might not be too far away if I keep going like I am.

Anyway, I got two midgets coming over to the house to talk with me about redecorating the lower half of my walls so I probably ought to wrap this up and send it off. Not to mention that you said you are waiting for this letter with big hope and I have no idea what that is but it sounds kinky. Please give Natasha my love and tell her to holla at me too. She sounds like she knows how to take a beating and I admire that. Running away and crying doesn't help the bruises heal any faster.

I look forward to hearing back from you again, Olga and maybe you can include some pictures and samples of the music you made. I'm not saying that I am going to get mad but seriously, if I don't get any samples of music in the next letter, I am going to decapitate my neighbor's parakeet and blame it on you. I'm kidding, of course, but I wouldn't recommend trying my patience on the matter.

With A Pickled Johnson,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

Assuming that she writes me back, which she probably will, I am going to have to make a tough decision about whether or not I want to continue with the charade. It almost makes me miss the other spammers who didn't dance around facts and simply got the point. SEND ME WESTERN UNION. I wish she would just come out and ask for money to come to America or whatever it is that she really wants. I think this whole thing would suck if it just turned out that she was lonely so she turned to spamming people in order to meet strangers over the internet for nothing more than conversation. Wait, actually, that would be pretty awesome.

After suffering through three previous episodes of steamy Russian bride madness with Olga, I was pretty much ready to throw in the towel. I felt that the adventure had run its course and there wasn't much left to explore. If she was trying to run a scam, she was taking her sweet time about getting around to revealing it. I can only handle so many badly written emails detailing her mundane life choices before my brain starts to boil in its own juices.

So, I simply stopped replying.

She sent a few notes here and there, most of them duplicating what the earlier notes said with maybe one or two new sentences added. Not really anything worth wasting my time over. And then September 11th rolled around. Apparently, she had had enough of my non-responsiveness and decided that on our holy American patriots day, she was going to take a stand. I admit, it was a stand worth replying to.

From: Olga [internet-cafe] [olgalove99@yahoo.com]
To: "Roger" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: (no subject)

Hello my dear Roger!

Today, my day has taken place as usually. Anything new. But when I have again come to the cafe Internet I have not seen your letter. I wish to tell to you, that I am simple in the big furiousness. Because in which day, I come to the cafe Internet what to find your letter, but as always. It there is not present. I give you last chance, that you would write me the letter. I ask you, that you would write me the letter.

What or the maintenance, it did not hold, I will wait for your letter in a current of 3 days. If you do not write the letter for these 3 days, then I simply cease to go to the cafe Internet what to search for your letter. If you really do not wish to write more. That I ask you. That you would write me it. That I would know it and did not suffer about this problem. I and time have spent many money with you. And I simply do not know, that to me to make.

I thought, that you that unique and unique which I searched so a long time. But as always. Now, I understand, that all men are similar against each other. It is not dependent where they live. All of you such cables. To you only to break hearts of girls. I know about some people who make very bad things with foreign men. You have broken my heart. If you really could not write all this time I will wait for your letter again. But only in advance I ask a pardon from you.

Your Olga!

To be lumped in with all of the other, dirty men in the world is an appalling thought to me. To think that she now considers all of us "such cables" just isn't something that Roger is going to sit idly by and take. Assuming that Roger ever finds out what the hell "cables" has to do with dating.

From: Roger Garrison [roger@4kb.com]
To: Olga [internet-cafe] [olgalove99@yahoo.com]
Subject: Re: (no subject)

Dear Olga, my dirty Post-It note,

After reading your latest letter, I will admit to being left a bit conflicted. The whole thing starts out fairly innocent and then you just kind of fly off the handle like some kind of female, Russian version of the Incredible Hulk and just like him, I don't like you when you're angry. Sure, I was a bit tardy in replying to the inane babble you call email conversation but that's really no reason for you to blow up at me like you did. You accused me of some pretty bad things like breaking your heart and while that was clearly my intention, it doesn't give you the right to go around saying that. I have half a mind to bring about a defamation lawsuit but you've already told me that you're pretty poor so I don't really see how that would benefit me.

And where the hell do you get the nerve to impose a timetable on me? "Write me back in 3 days or else." I wish that I could tell you about the last person that tried to pull that bullshit on me but the police investigation is still pending and I don't want to provide them with any additional information. Needless to say, it's something like "sleeping with the fishes" but in this case, they aren't sleeping and there are no fishes. I have an extreme dislike for aquatic lifeforms so I try to dump my victims as far from the ocean as possible. Don't think that just because you're in Russia that I don't have access to you. I have your address. I know where you live.

Oh, and you thought I was unique? You thought I was different from other men? Well, I thought you were different from the other crazy psycho bitch women who get too clingy and blow everything out proportion because I didn't reply to your stupid email after a few days. Lighten the fuck up, lady. You're 3000 miles away and I was busy having sex with people you don't know. We're not married. I'm not obligated to you. You send me unflattering pictures of yourself over the internet -- that doesn't exactly make us committed to one another. Seriously, if I liked it, I would have put a ring on it. Do you see a ring, Olga? Do you?

I'm trying to contain the anger I feel right now, Olga. The disappointment. I really thought that we had some kind of weird email relationship going on. A relationship that maybe could have really blossomed into something hilarious but now I am starting to question the very foundation that we have been building. You were the one extolling all manner of virtues into the relationship and, it seems, you're the first one to break them. You see, I've been going through a pretty tough time lately and rather than ask me directly about what the problem might be, you just decide to assume that I am cheating on you (I am), breaking your heart (check) and that the best course of action is simply stop communicating all together. Nice work, Olga. That's the mature way to work through problems.

And what the hell is up with the 180 degree flip at the end of your letter? You can't spend 95% of the email saying how I am horrible person and then close with "but if you decide to write me back, we're cool, so disregard all of the other stuff." I don't know how they do things in Russia but that kind of behavior doesn't fly with me. In fact, I just consulted my Ike Turner relationship handbook and it says that such contradictory talk is worth at least ten punches. Two to be delivered to the head. With jewelry on. Now, I'm willing to overlook some of this stuff because you're probably just young and stupid and I would wager you don't have a complete idea of who exactly you're dealing with but it should be noted if we ever do get to meet in person, you're at least getting a hard slap. I'm letting you off easy so consider it a warning shot not to act like that again.

Still, despite all of the tough talk, I'm not quite ready to give up on us yet. I have a feeling that you probably feel the same. Sure, I was pretty angry when I first read your letter but I look back on it now and I actually find it kind of cute that you got all worked up over our relationship. Well, I use "cute" as a relative term because let's be honest, I've seen the photos that you sent me and cute doesn't really describe them. Perhaps this was nothing more than a test of our strength together. You know, do we really have the longevity to make it work? I'd like to think so, Olga. I'd like to think so.

So, if you're willing to put up with some physical abuse to serve as penance for speaking out of turn, I'm willing to look the other way and forgive this entire incident. Maybe we can work towards starting over, back before I realized that you're both jealous and incompetent. Who knows, maybe we really can make this thing work.

If you feel the same, holla back at your boy.

Buying a hooker,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

This kind of response is pretty much a 50/50 chance that she'll never write me back again. I used it as a vehicle to be very mean to her and that makes me feel good but I imagine that if she ever figured out what it really said, she probably wouldn't be too happy about it. Still, if it was going to end, at least I went out having said my piece and standing my ground. You can't let strange Russian women walk all over you via email because I am pretty sure that is one of the signs of the Apocalypse.

A few weeks passed with no reply and I honestly thought that she had figured the whole thing out and the gig was up. Oh well, good riddance, right? Wrong. Apparently it's never too late to launch into your scam, even if it comes after a poorly-timed break-up letter. I know that there exists people who really do fall for this kind of thing and I simply have to shake my head at their gullibility.

From: Olga [internet-cafe] [olgalove99@yahoo.com]
To: "Roger" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: The request for the help.

Hello my dear.

I ask you to excuse me that I did not write for a long time you the letter. I could not. I had very big problem which at me was not for a long time. I do not know, that to me to do. dear, I ask you, that you would understand my problem. The matter is that every day I went for work. To us promised for a long time wages. I did not write to you, because I did not have money what to descend in the cafe Internet.

Now, I borrow money at the acquaintances. But I shortly need to give them. I do not know, that to me to do. I would like to write to you further. To communicate with you. But I cannot. I do not have enough money what to live. The matter is that because I do not have money, I cannot come to the cafe Internet at all. As, I now need to pay for apartment. We with my mum use the best efforts. Its money suffices us only what to live. What to eat. And so. I do not know, that to me to do. I communicated with you for a long time already. You said to me, that you love me and trust me. I would like to ask you. You could not help me??

I would be very grateful to you if you have helped me. I do not know, how you concern me. But if you have helped me, then when I can rise to the feet I can arrive to you. We can meet. What do you think?? Well, I do not have almost time, I should finish.

I ask you, that you would help me. It is all that I ask you. I will wait for your letter. I hope, that you did not deceive me.

Yours Olga!

Oh no! You can't write me email because you're poor. Never mind that you left me hanging in the wind without any kind of contact for more than two weeks... THE VERY SAME THING YOU TRIED TO BREAK-UP WITH ME FOR DOING. A good thing I long stopped trying to find the logic in a scammer's operations.

The good news with Olga is that you can pretty much take every email as a completely blank slate. She's seems not to care what was said in the past and simply focuses on the present. With Olga, you have to learn to move on and dwelling on issues will get you nowhere.

It took nearly a month and half and finally we have the big reveal. She needs money. And maybe if I give her enough money, she'll be able to come out and live with me, which would, in turn, cost me more money down the road. But hey, I can sympathize with a person in need. I have plenty of money to go around so why not see if I can help her out? First, however, I need to get to the bottom of a few things.

From: Roger Garrison [roger@4kb.com]
To: Olga [internet-cafe] [olgalove99@yahoo.com]
Subject: Re: The request for the help.

Dearest Olga, my soggy cheerio,

I shall start out this letter by asking that you accept no less than one thousand apologies from me. I know that it has only been a few days since we last corresponded but I also now know about your tendency to flip the fuck out, so for that I am 39% sorry. You see, I came down with a case of swine flu and was unable to have access to my email. OK, maybe it was just a case of regular flu but it turns out that just before I got sick, I sort of dry-humped my neighbor's pig and the rest of the town started freaking out. "It was just the tip!" I told them but they wound up putting me in quarantine anyway. They had me on some crazy vitamin cocktail for a few days which I mistakenly mistook to be suppositories. Needless to say, I am still having trouble sitting down.

It saddens me slightly to hear about your current predicament. Not really so much the actual situation you find yourself in but rather because you once again used your personal problems as opportunity to butcher the English language. We haven't spoken in quite some time and I figured the least you could do was bone up on some writing classes. I want you very much to come to America and make sweet love to my farm animals but I'm not going to go through all that effort if you're just going to get over here and embarrass me with your grasp of linguistics. I'm kidding, of course. As long you know enough to say that you charge $10 for the hand and $25 for the mouth, you'll do just fine. Just remember, no freebies. Daddy doesn't like freebies.

On the topic of me flying you out here, I just want to again bring up the fact that while I have followed through with exactly zero of my promises, I expect more out of you. You've managed to entice me with all manner of guarantees and yet you have delivered on none. You said that you were going to send me some of your music and you never did. I had an agent from Shithole Records ready to take a listen and potentially offer you a music deal but you never delivered. You mentioned that you were going to send me some pictures of your great city and you again failed on that regard. Between you and me, I don't really care about some run-down third world city but, you know, you said you would show me and I am going to hold you to that. If I wanted to check out pictures of crappy villages, I would just Google image search for "Detroit."

So, I am just sitting here starting to question our relationship. You spoke much about the virtues of trust and love but I don't really see you putting much effort in to that regard. You want me to send you money to help you out but I am starting to wonder if that's a really good idea. As for me, I've been living every day based on the virtuous relationship we founded. For example, I "love" the fact that you are thousands of miles away because I am putting my "trust" in plenty of other, more local women who, frankly, look about 2,000 times hotter than you. Like, imagine the temperature on Neptune and then imagine the temperature of the Sun. Shit is like that.

But as heartless as I am, I can see that you are in a bad spot and hey, there is always room for one more on my cleaning staff. Two if your mom wants to come out. I've asked you about her repeatedly and you just blatantly ignore what I write. It's that kind of crap that sends me into a blind rage and I wind up punching the crap out of some homeless people. It's cool if you just want it to be you and me in America but for the love of God, shut the hell up about your mom. Either produce or zip it. I can only fantasize so long about the threesome between us before I start to give up hope.

So, the bottom line is that you can't pay your bills. To think that you don't have enough money to even check email at an Internet cafe simply crushes my soul. It's like a gigantic fat chick is laying on top of me, her hungry eyes ready to feast on my immortality like it was some kind of eternal Thanksgiving buffet. So what are we to do?

You need money. I've got plenty of it. The question is, if I give you enough money to pay off your debts, what can Olga do for me? It's a quid pro quo kind of situation. Nothing in life is free. Also, if I do give you enough money to pay your rent, does that mean that you don't want to come live with me in America? As soon as we work out the paperwork details, you wouldn't need to pay rent on anything anymore. I got enough room for you, your mom, and that hot little number Natasha if she's feeling adventurous.

Let me know how I can help you, Olga. I'm naked and ready.

With Salty Balls,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

So, that's where we're at right now and you can consider yourself fully caught on the soap opera that is Olga's scam. Whether you see another installment in the Spam 6 series largely depends on what her reply consists of. Assuming she even bothers to write me back. I keep waiting for her email account to get canceled again but maybe now that I am being more responsive, I can get back into her good graces. Deep down inside, I'm just a lonely, wealthy American who desires horrendously mediocre Russian women. And they say that America is the land of opportunity. That's such bullshit.

As a person who greatly loves receiving spam mail, I have to admit some small twinge of excitement whenever I am able to embark on a brand new Spamtastic adventure. Unfortunately, since I also greatly love having free time and not wasting it on "crappy internet shit," this hobby can also be a very conflicting and frustrating endeavor. As you many have noticed, I haven't been updating very much and those updates that do come through have little or nothing to do with spam. I'm sure that there is a good reason for this somewhere but I thought about it, got bored with myself, and decided to inject cocaine directly into my eyeball. As far as I can tell, doing it wrong still gets you high.

During the period while I was off ignoring my computer, internet reader T.Smith emailed me to let me know that she had stumbled upon the site after she received a suspicious email from one Richard E. Hobberman. You might remember Richard from adventures past, where he offered me a job in India and then we got kind of gay with each other. While I haven't spoken with Richard in roughly a year, it turns out he hasn't stopped running his scam. T.Smith is a wedding photographer and it turns out that Richard needed to acquire her services.

Thanks to my previous adventures with Richard, she realized that he was probably full of crap and forwarded the email to me so that Richard and I can have some happy time again. I'll admit to feeling touched that someone bothered to read something I wrote but then felt even more touched when I put my hand down my pants and thought of conversing with Richard Hobberman again. Would he remember me? Could we re-spark what little flame we had burning? Only time and a few emails will tell.

Check out the original email that Richard sent to not me:

From: Richard E. Hobberman [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
Subject: Service needed.

Hello,

Good day to you, I am Richard from The United States Of America, I will be coming over to Europe on the 30th of June, for My Second Year wedding anniversary.

I am Emailing you because I will need your service on the Day of the Occasion as our photographer for About 3 hours between (9am to 12pm).

However I want you to take the pictures of Me and My wife together and also both of us and the Invited Guests as well,we've reduced the number of pictures needed to 50 peices for the day, the sizes really needed are: 5"X7",12"x18" and 16"x24 and all other types of photographs that you can take with your experience,A Portrait for Me and My Wife is OK,Some Individuals,and also group pictures, with Our Guests who are Invited from America and Europe.I hope with your wealth of Experience you will be able to make this Day A Memorable Day and a Glittering One.

Kindly let me have your Quotes for The service of the day and your Method of Payment inclusive of your Traveling Expenses as that will be taken care of separately.

I will need your total Charge for the day promptly.

Thanks
Dr.Richard Hobberman.

It looks like Richard has been busy since we last spoke, moving to America and apparently getting his doctorate. Unfortunately, he didn't spend any of that time getting to know his keyboard or the English language any better than he used to.

Still, typos and horrible punctuation aside, it could seem like a legit email. Thankfully, I'm not in the wedding photo business and could care less about his needs. I'm in this for the love of Richard.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: r.hobberman@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Service needed.

Richard Hobberman!

It is me, your old friend Roger Garrison!

Wow, the internet sure is a small place. There I was perusing my inbox with no clothes on when I stumble upon your message that a friend forwarded me. Imagine my surprise to find out that you're in the United States now, not to mention having obtained your doctorate AND ARE GETTING FUCKING MARRIED!

Why didn't you tell me? I thought we were business partners. Above that, I thought that we were friends. Sure, we haven't spoken in almost a year but I just figured that is how you wanted to keep things. Maybe things between us were getting a little hot and heavy. Maybe you got busy with work.

I will admit that I never did get any work or money from you but I don't let that get in the way of still putting you down as a reference on my resume. I work at Chuck E. Cheese now as a night manager so I can only assume that you gave me high marks as an employee when they called. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't hand out this job to just anyone.

SO!! Tell me about this marriage of yours! Is it a sham? A cover because you're secretly doing lines of meth off someone you purchased from rentboy.com? I'm going to assume that my invitation is in the mail? If not, I'm pretty good at crashing parties. (I just, you know, need information on the time and place.)

I miss our constant email interaction and our erratic business relationship. It was seriously the only thing keeping me sane. But hey, we've reunited, right?

Give me the good word on what you've been up to. Also, let me know if you're on Facebook or something so I can friend you and we can like each other's comments. I could really use the help.

With Feline Love,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

Will he remember me? Did I come on too strong? What if his wife reads this? Did I flush the dog down the toilet on accident? These are the questions that were running through my head after I clicked send. Thankfully, I have little to fear when it comes to Richard and him not replying. If anything, he's one of the quickest spam repliers out there for whatever reason. I bet he has some major email business going on.

Let's see what he has been up to.

From: "Richard E. Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: Re: Service needed.

Dear Roger,

Hey it's really nice and Wonderful to hear from you again....and you cant imagine how i am blushing right now to read your extensive mail which you are very well know for.I have been over somethings of late and i have not really had enough time to sit behind the PC to send emails unless the need arise.

Yes i am actually celebrating the 2nd Anniversary of our wedding year and it.s gonna be in grand style in the United Kingdom so it's not in the United States as you presume it was.If you wanna come along i can invite you to come along.The Photographer i contacted,i dont know if he is a friend of yours but i really do need his service of covering the Event.

As for you i am so glad to hear you have gotten a Job as of late and that My Name has really awarded you the opportunity to get a Paying job.But i want you to know there is still alot of things we can do together and if you are interested you can get back to me as soon as possible.First if you have a Capital One Account this is gonna fetch you alot of money.Just get back to me as soon as possible.I will be waiting to read from you soonest,Take care of yourself.

Richard.

OK, so now it seems like I am well known in Richard's circle of friends for my extensive emails. That's pretty cool. Thankfully, I am not yet known for being an extremely sarcastic individual who makes fun of people like Richard on the internet, though I am sure that will come soon. I wonder if Richard ever searches for himself on Google.

Hmm, so it seems like Richard has some new scam up his sleeves and needs a Capital One account and my help to make it a reality. Well, I'm never one to turn down an awesome offer from the internet. Sometimes it's just hard to find it because it's mixed in with a bunch of homoerotic talk. Maybe like 75/25. I've never stopped believing, Richard.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "Richard E. Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
Subject: Re: Service needed.

To Calvin And Hobberman,

Thank you so much for writing me back!

I'm a little ashamed to admit that I've been wetting myself like teenager with a garden hose down his pants ever since I saw your last email arrive. The first few times, I didn't even bother to get up so I kind of ruined my pants and chair but it's totally cool because now I am not wearing anything and standing at attention, if you know what I mean. Pretty much the perfect storm of circumstances to correspond with you properly.

I am so glad that you chose not to ignore my email. I kind of have this reputation for doing bad things to people who disrespect me and I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to what we have going on here. For example, the other day, some little shit sniped my bid on eBay for this sweet little teddy bear that doubles as a real doll. I swear to God, I drove right over to that guys house and cut him. I seriously cut him. Then his mom came home and I cut her too because maybe she should have raised her kid a little better, you know? You just don't go around stealing other people's stuff, even if the stuff wasn't really mine yet. Whatever. I don't understand how auctions work, apparently.

But none of that matters now. I have my Hobbs back! I'm sorry that you haven't had much time to sit behind the PC. Honestly, I don't know why you would do that anyway. What are you looking at? Dust and a bunch of wires? Sitting in front of the PC is much better. Also, I hope that since we are back in communication, you'll have more needs arise to send email. I have some needs arising in my pants, Richard.

Serious congrats on the wedding, old buddy! Of course, you mention that you're celebrating your second anniversary, which means you were already married when we last spoke less than a year ago AND YOU NEVER TOLD ME. I do feel a little hurt but you know I can't stay mad at you, Hobberman. You are like an angel with wings made of peanut butter and glitter. I mean, you would look at something like that and go, wow, I'm not mad anymore. You might get hungry but not mad.

I would love to come to the anniversary party. Hopefully it won't get awkward with me sitting on your lap while your wife is around but someone has to test the waters. Maybe she'll enjoy the view or something. I'm not opposed to a third party if it comes down to that or nothing. Heck, I'd even invite the photographer in the room if we wanted to make it a crowd. I'm not shy. But, uh, I don't really know how to get a hold of her. However, I do know this guy -- recovering heroin addict -- and I bet we could get him to take some pictures for cheap. He's got a shaky hand but whatever. We can just tell people that there was an earthquake during your party.

Anyway, let me know the details and whatever you need from me to send me the invite.

Also, thanks for the congrats on my new job. I mean, I only landed it because of how awesome you are and everything you taught me. Working at Chuck E. Cheese has a lot in common with the art industry in India believe it or not.

I am totally down for some more collabo work if you have the opportunity. Richard & Roger, back in action. Kind of sounds like a movie. I think I might have a Capital One account somewhere. I'll have to check though. If I don't have one, I can open it. I fucking love those Vikings running around in the commercials. That company deserves my business for being so creative. Anyway, I've got so many open accounts, it's a bit ridiculous and I can't keep track of them. Let me know more details about how that would work and/or other job opportunities and let's set the internet on fire again!

I will patiently await word back from you, good sir.

Will Work For Food,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

As of the time of this writing, I've already received a reply back from Richard to that last email so it's a sure bet that a part two to this adventure will be coming soon. It gets a little more creepy, more Capital One-y, and 60% more gay. That's what Richard & Roger deliver.

Stay tuned and we'll be back to our regularly scheduled program after these messages about paper towel absorbency and stool softener.

Hello and welcome, Spam Fans, to the second installment of Gay Rodeo Adventures with Richard Hobberman or as it's known locally, Spamtastic Adventures #7.5. In the previous installment, internet super-woman T.Smith sent us word that Richard was up to his old dirty tricks so we let Roger Garrison loose to reunite with his old pal. What followed was nothing short of tear-inducing, but mostly because I decided that cutting onions while responding to emails was an efficient way to multi-task.

Well, after a week of delay, we're back with the second half of the #7 adventure, one filled with more homo-eroticism than an all-male ballet troop. Let's allow Richard to kick things off with one of his signature replies.

From: "Richard E. Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: Re: Service needed.

Dear Roger,

Gosh !! it's always nice to read from you..I am always eager to read from you and it's awesome that i cant find the right words to express how happy i am whenever i hear from you. Good to know how you feel about sitting on my Laps as that's gonna send down shivers down my spine,although i would love to have a view of how that's gonna look.

Your Messages are really so extensive that i usually take time off to read them and let it simmer down into my Faculties,and for once i wished i could write like that.Wow ! you are an Orator and you could very well pass for a Bestselling Author of all time and by now you should have been inducted in the Authors Hall of fame if there is One {chuckles}.

Well i think we should set the internet on fire again by seeing what we can both get done.We all need those crispy things called the Dollars Bills....lol, we need to make some Dough so very urgently and it's essential we work together to achieve this and i really thank God for one thing you are the listening and copperative type so i wont have any problem telling you what to do and giving you instructions as regards this to make it a worthwhile investment.

The Capital One Account is what is currently on ground now and if you can get the Account it would be lovely.I will need all the details of the Account including the Username and Password to the Account with the 3 Security Questions you used in opening it.If you have Money in the Account then withdraw everything as i dont want your money mixing with mine so we wont have to fight over those crispy things..lol.

But if it's a new one you are opening then you will have to activate it with small amount of money like $20 to make it ready to receive Transfers.We are talking of Big Money here Gary.the Amount is running into about $400k and we will talk about your commission.Please let's get this done as soon as possible so we can both smile to the Bank.

Do you chat at all ?,as i will would like to chat with you to tell you more about this and explain a lot better to you .I shall be anxiously waiting to read from you againmy good old friend.

Richard.

Admittedly, it took me a while to figure it out but I think I have the "Hobberman E-Mail System" down to a science. He starts out with a template idea, such as opening a Capital One account but then copies and pastes random lines of text from my previous reply throughout his email, regardless if its placement really makes sense.

All in all, not a bad idea. Maybe this "Bestselling Author of all time" could learn a thing or two from the internet simpleton.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "Richard E. Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
Subject: Re: Service needed.

Dearest Rich Hobbs (a.k.a The Hobber-MAN),

Do you remember back when you were a little kid and Christmas or your birthday was right around the corner? You spent days or weeks looking at shiny, wrapped packages, wondering what could be in them. Well, that is assuming you weren't poor and/or Jewish because poor people don't get presents and Jewish people hate Christ. And don't get me started on poor Jewish people. But, whatever. The point is, that kind of anticipation is exactly how I feel whenever I get a new letter from you. I am all kinds of giddy with excitement. Seriously, my nipples are like diamonds right now and they could probably cut steel if I was so inclined to disrobe next to some sheet metal.

I am thrilled that you seem to get as much enjoyment from exchanging emails with me as I do with you. I apologize that I am so long-winded sometimes but I have a rare medical disorder which prevents me from being overly concise. I'm told that my father suffered from the same disease so it's probably genetic. Well, at least I think he suffered from it. He sent me this 30-page letter that detailed his full medical history but after page 2, I got bored and decided to play with myself while watching Disney movies so I guess I don't really know for sure. Medical science isn't really my forte.

Before I continue on with this letter, I just wanted to take a quick sidebar to let you know how much I admire you, Richard. Not from the "I'm only telling you this because I want to bang" standpoint but from some other standpoint that doesn't involve penetration. You just always seem to have your shit together. Every time we talk, you've got some new business adventure and you're all about making the money. That's something I respect. You're the kind of person that I could really get behind, Richard. Yes, I could get behind you and do some things that would only hurt for a bit. They would hurt so good, Richard.

Shit. See how easy I get side-tracked? Sorry about that, Richard. I know that your time is precious. I just like the fact that you are so straight forward and honest with me. It makes doing business with you that much more pleasurable. I get so many emails from other potential business people who are only out for themselves. They don't care about me or my needs. They don't care that I liked to be spanked softly during foreplay. But you care, Richard, and that makes all the difference. You and I have the makings of a great business team, Richard and that makes me happy. I want very much to make crispy things with you.

OK, so I got my matches ready and I am ready to light this shit up, Richard. We're talking a four-alarm blaze. I want the internet to be burning like my wee-wee when I urinate. You and me, we can do this.

I have contacted Capital One and am in the process of opening up an account. There seems to be some kind of flag on my credit report so they told me that there would be a small delay of a few days before they would be able to process my request. I've been assigned a customer service rep and I will be following up in a few days to see how my order is coming. Once I get the information, I will pass it on to you and we can get shit crackin', yo. (Sometimes I talk black so people don't accuse me of being a racist even though, between you and me, I'm not a fan of people from Sweden.)

I like that we are talking about big money here, Richard. $400K is no joke and with that kind of cash, I could stop risking my life smuggling heroin across the border inside my anus. Perhaps I could afford to move and live closer to you and your wife? We could just a swingers club or something and meet new people. I am curious about who "Gary" is, though. You said "We are talking of Big Money here Gary" and color me suspicious. I don't want to find out that you are cheating on me, Richard. I only enjoy being jerked off, not jerked around. Don't test me.

Also, hey, still kind of waiting on that wedding anniversary party invite. Don't let the business stuff overshadow the fact that we need to paaarrrtaaay together. Even better if you're paying for the bar tab.

So, anyway, holla back at me so that we can keep this line of dialogue going. I'll admit to being a Richard addict and I need my fix.

With Syphilis,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

It took Richard a few days to reply and I started to fear that perhaps this adventure had come to an abrupt end but, alas, Richard isn't going anywhere without that Capital One info.

From: "Richard E. Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: Re: Service needed.

Dear Sweet Roger,

I appologize for my taking the time to get back With you. It is nice to read from you the Messages but like I said they are extensive and I have been busy with many Business dealings for you and I. The crispy Dollars {fire money} are good for you and I to have and Im excited about again working with you.

Please let me knwo more details about the Capital One Account you are opening including the USERNAME and PASSWORD so we can get BIG MONEY. I have contacted some persons from my area and they are interested in helping us with investments.This means more commissions for you, Roger my friend. I do not understand the delays sometimes. These things require copperation between us.

I am always forthwith and coming when we speak and look forward to the pleasurable with you.

Always Nice to chats with you Roger. Am waiting for more to read From you again.

Richard.

It's at this point that I either need to put up or shut up. Obviously, I don't have any Capital One account info to give so I don't really think that I could draw it out for much longer. Might as well just get straight to the point in my reply. Well, by "straight to the point" I meant "write eight paragraphs about the topic."

OK, it's more than eight but who is counting?

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "Richard E. Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
Subject: Re: Service needed.

To My Bestest Homie, Richard "Rich Hobbs" Hobberman,

Every day is a great day when an "h-mail" arrives in my inbox. Do you see what I did there? Instead of "e-mail" I said "h-mail" and the "h" stands for Hobberman. Your messages truly deserve to be in a class all by themselves, much like how you were probably all by yourself when you were in class because you type worse than my grandmother. I love you and all but honestly, an illiterate chimpanzee with Alzheimer's has a better shot at spelling a word right than you do. But you know what? You don't let that hold you back and that's an admirable quality.

Richard, since we are such close friends, I want to share with you a little something that helps get me through the 23.5 hours of the day when we are not talking. Do you remember that Beach Boys song, "Barbara Ann?" Ba ba ba ba Barbara Ann? Well, I modified the lyrics a bit to include your name and I sing it whenever I am lonely, which is all the time. Hob hob hob hob Hobberman. And you know how at the end, that guy comes in with the really high pitched voice? I jam an icepick into my balls to ensure I'm able to carry the tune. It hurts but you're worth it.

I don't mean to come off as some kind of crazy internet stalker or anything but I just wanted to say that I treasure our friendship and that our business dealings have been very rewarding for me as a person. I've had a number of friends say that I am crazy for trying to mix business and pleasure but they must not know the joys of jerking off to an empty excel spreadsheet or a colorful pie chart. But I bet you do, Richard. Those longs nights at the office with nothing but Clippy to keep you company. Yeah, you've tugged one out to Clippy. Don't lie.

But hey, wow, look at where that email conversation was heading. I'm going to do us a favor and steer this thing back on course before I ruin another pair of pants. You and me, we have business to talk about so let's do that.

However, before we jump into the financial aspect of things, I feel like I need to get something off my chest. I mean, we're as good of friends as any two people can be who've never kissed so I feel like I can tell you pretty much anything. I love working with you and I think you're one of the absolute best business partners for an imaginary company that I've ever worked with but, seriously, we need to get you some typing lessons. It's one thing to have our internal memos looking like they were written by a three year old but as you've said, we've got investors now and they'll be looking at us to act more professionally. Maybe from now on, you fill me in a little more on the business dealings and let me handle the public face of our company?

As you've already mentioned, I write pretty good. We'll just have to set up some kind of outgoing e-mail scanner to filter out all the naughty words I use like "shit", "piss", and "I've got two fingers up your anus and here comes the third" but that shouldn't be too hard to do. I know this one guy who does IT work in exchange for 40s of malt liquor and I bet he could engineer us up something nice. Damn, look at us getting all technical. Richard & Roger: 2010 business with a 2002 understanding of how computers work.

And here comes the part I am dreading. I have my fingers and legs crossed that what I am about to say won't make you hate me but I don't have much choice in the matter. Earlier today, I got word from Capital one that they turned down my request for an account. They said I wasn't "Capital One material" or some bullshit like that. They sell fucking pre-paid credit cards. Twelve year old kids can get them. How in the shit am I not Capital One material? Fuck those guys.

So, what about us then, Richard? What are we going to do? You gave me one important job, which was to open up a Capital One bank account in my name, give you all the security information and passwords, and maybe deposit a little money into it and I couldn't even do that. I have failed you and let our business partnership down. I mean, you've done so much for our company, like write horrible emails and demand stuff; things that I could have never done by myself. I look up to you as a mentor and a lover and it pains me to know that I have let you down.

Is there any way that I can make this up to you? I'd suggest "free anal" but I had pretty much planned on doing that anyway so I don't know how much of an incentive that is for you. Maybe "free anal with donkey punch?" Dude, I don't know. Pretty much name your price and it's yours.

I understand if you no longer want to do business with me but hopefully we can at least remain internet friends. I'm going to click send on this message now, holding my breath that I will still hear back from you. Richard, you are my reason for breathing. Well, that and Twilight. I fucking love Twilight.

Please don't hate me, Richard. I've got nothing but love and a undiagnosed STD to give.

With An Empty Pancreas,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

And so likely ends the saga of Richard Hobberman. All he wanted was Capital One account info and he left brokenhearted. Roger on the other hand, is left without a man partner to seduce. Fret not, however, for the internet has a keen way of helping people bounce back and I don't imagine it'll be too long before we see Roger off on another adventure. A spamtastic adventure at that, though he could probably just settle for a regular adventure and be just as happy. He's pretty easy-going.

Dealing with spammers is generally a mixed bag. It's very hard to tell beforehand where an email reply will lead and the replies can just as easily stop coming in altogether. Often enough, when I am working on a spamtastic update, I'm usually in contact with two or three different people, just to make the odds greater for one panning out. Generally, once I have enough to make an update, I let the rest die because even I can only take so much spam. But, surprise, not every adventure has to be 50,000 emails long and sometimes you can get what you need out of one or two.

While my last adventure with R. Hobberman took precedence, in the background, I was also talking to Mrs. Reda Brown. She has an offer for me that piqued my interest and I put Roger on the case. Read below for the one-part series concerning the saga of Mrs. Brown and her money.

From: "Mrs Reda Brown" [mrsredabrown@gmail.com]
Subject: IAM A WIDOW READ AND REPLY!!!!

IAM A WIDOW READ AND REPLY!!!!

Dear God's elect,

I am writing this mail to you with heavy tears In my eyes and great sorrow in my heart, My Name is Mrs Reda Brown, and I am contacting you from my country Tunisia I want to tell you this because I don't have any other option than to tell you as I was touched to open up to you, I married to Mr. Smith Brown who worked with Tunisia embassy in Burkina Faso for nine years before he died in the year 2005.We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only five days. Since his death I decided not to remarry, When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of US$ 8.5m (Eight Million Five hundred Thousand Dollars) in a bank in Ouagadougou the capital city of Burkina Faso in west Africa Presently this money is still in bank. He made this money available for exportation of Gold from Burkina Faso mining.

Recently, My Doctor told me that I would not last for the period of seven months due to cancer problem. The one that disturbs me most is my stroke sickness. Having known my condition I decided to hand you over this money to take care of the less-privileged people, you will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein. I want you to take 30 Percent of the total money for your personal use While 70% of the money will go to charity" people in the street and helping the orphanage. I grew up as an Orphan and I don't have anybody as my family member, just to endeavour that the house of God is maintained. Am doing this so that God will forgive my sins and accept my soul because these sicknesses have suffered me so much.

As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the bank in Burkina Faso and I will also instruct the Bank Manger to issue you an authority letter that will prove you the present beneficiary of the money in the bank that is if you assure me that you will act accordingly as I Stated herein.

Hoping to receive your reply:
From Mrs.Reda Brown

As a general rule of thumb, people dying don't make for good updates. Unless, of course, their death is really, really funny. Mrs. Reda Brown dying from "stroke sickness" is one of those types of deaths. It also helps that she's not a real person. I might actually feel a little bad if any of the above were actually true.

But probably not.

Just because Reda Brown isn't real doesn't make her email or fake death any less important. There is imaginary money at stake here, after all.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: mrsreda_brown12@hotmail.fr
Subject: Re: IAM A WIDOW READ AND REPLY!!!!

YOU HAVE REALLY POOR EMAIL ETIQUETTE!!!!

Dearest Mrs. Reda Brown,

I am replying back to the email you wrote with a nervous twitch in my fingers and gas pains in my stomach. My name is Roger Garrison and I am pleased to make your email acquaintance. Admittedly, the circumstances surrounding our meeting could be a little "less about you, more about me" but I suppose lonely men on the internet such as myself can't really be picky when it comes to hot widows. Well, I assume you're hot. If not, let me know so we can both stop wasting our time.

After reading your letter, I was left with a number of mixed emotions. On one hand, the passing of your husband and your complete bastardization of the English languages makes me deeply sad but on the other, you mention money and that's the kind of talk that makes my shallow life worth living. That and ice cream. God, I fucking love ice cream. I wonder if they make a money-flavored ice cream? Wait, never mind. That would probably taste like dirty fingers, stripper vagina, and cocaine residue. But back to your dead husband and his very much alive money.

I'm not really all that familiar with Tunisia but from your letter, it sounds like a lot of people are getting sick and/or dying there. You'd think that you'd take some of that nice cash you have laying and maybe fly to a better place. You know, a place that doesn't employ camels as doctors. I think they filmed part of the first Star Wars in Tunisia so I'm not saying it's all bad. Just not really a place that I would choose to stick around after my husband kicked the bucket and left me with crazy cash. I don't know -- maybe you're a better person than I am.

All other talk aside, that's terrible news about your medical diagnosis. Dying is not fun. I have lost many friends to varying types of cancers but I also lost one friend inside the grocery store when I was younger. We never found him and to this day I refuse to eat oranges because of it. I also had no idea that "stroke sickness" was a valid medical condition but I really haven't been paying attention to the medical field since they canceled Doogie Howser, M.D. He really was the best doctor.

Truly, I am touched that you were touched to open to me, even if I don't know entirely what that means and I would like very much to help you. However, you should note that I am a bit skeptical. I'm just looking for some reassurance that you are being honest. I've had email offers in the past from some not-so-nice people so I just want confirmation that I am not being taken advantage of. (Seriously, that guy wasn't even really my uncle. What was I thinking!?)

I'm all on board about the giving to charity thing though I think maybe we should discuss the 30% figure. I'm not saying that it's low, I'm just saying that my therapist tells me that I am worth more than that. It's not going to be a deal breaker or anything but maybe try and keep that in the back of your mind the next time you're running around figures in your head. Also, can we talk about the orphanage thing? I'm all for helping the people in the street but seriously, I've talked to a few kids at that orphanage and they're all "adopt me, adopt me!" I don't think they really care about money so maybe we shouldn't actually donate there. You wouldn't want your money to go to waste.

But hey, you know, it's your call. I'm just the vessel. (A sexy vessel, yes?)

As I mentioned above, I am very much on board to help you out. You seem like a fair and reasonable women who just so happens to have made God angry so he gave you some incurable illness. He tends to do that from time to time. Please provide me information about the person at the bank who will be contacting me so I know he's not trying to scam me. I wouldn't want to start helping out people who don't deserve it.

Please let me know if there is anything I can do in the mean time to help you as I patiently await your reply.

For The Love Of Water,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

It wasn't long after I sent the above email that I got a reply from an address and name that I didn't recognize.

From: "Dr. Pjkono C. Marshall" [drpjkono1@verizon.net]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: Subject: Re: IAM A WIDOW READ AND REPLY!!!!

Dear Roger Garrison,

I write on behalf of MRS REDA BROWN and I am the bank manager at Burkina Faso. I am informing you that you money is with this bank awaiting remittance into your bank account Before the transfer is been telegraphically wire transfer into your nominated bank, An accredited attorney to the bank will have to endorse the final fund release document {authority letter} and other entire transfer Documents before the funds will be transfer to your bank account. I also want to bring to your notice that I have found a lawyer that will be willing to Endorse these document on your behalf and he is charging £10,000 Pounds Sterling for his services. The lawyer wants you to guaranty his endorsement charges for the entire documentation on your behalf.

Please be aware that this dose not requires an upfront payment. What the lawyer is requesting for is an escrow payment through western union and not an upfront payment. What I am saying is that you should send the funds to your wife and children’s names through Western union in United Kingdom,. As soon as this is done, you will only provide me with the MTCN Number for him to contact the western union to find out if the funds are really with the western union bank. If the western union bank confirms to him that the funds are there, he wills them proceed to the Burkina Faso bank to endorse the final fund release document and other entire transfer Documents. for the funds to be transfer into your nominated bank account in Australia. Then as soon as you confirm the money in your bank account, you will proceed to western union bank in your country and have them change the receiver name to the lawyers name to enable him pick the funds from western union with his international passport.

This western union option according to western union bank is 100% risk free, very safe and secure as well, all you have to do is to get the funds, and proceed to western union bank around your location and send the £10,000 Pounds Sterling to your wife or children names with United Kingdom at the address. Please be rest assured that the lawyer cannot collect the money from western union because you are going to send the money to your wife or children names.

You will only resend the payment to the lawyer name as soon as you receive the funds in your bank; Please let me read your response as soon as possible. The whole transaction intends to be completed within 3 days, if you’re able to follow the lawyer instruction today. My regards to your family.

Regards
Dr. Pjkono C. Marshall
Director, Burkina Faso

I was a little let down after reading the email to find out that it was the same old Western Union scam that has been done a million times before. So, I did what I should probably do more often: craft a reply that would pretty much ensure that I would never get an email back.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "Dr. Pjkono C. Marshall" [drpjkono1@verizon.net]
Subject: Subject: Re: IAM A WIDOW READ AND REPLY!!!!

Dear Dr. Pjkono "Pookie" Marshall,

Thank you for following up with me on this issue in such a timely manner. I realize that being a completely awesome manager for what I am going to assume is a bank with no name is a full-time job and you probably don't have a lot of free time to sit around dicking with email. Quite the shame, actually, because I just got this forward from a friend and it has tons of cute puppy pictures in it and the subject said "FW: FW: FW: FW: 10 Puppy Pics That Cure Cancer" or something like that. I could forward it on to you if you'd like but I don't want to burden you. But let me know if you have some free time or whatever. Between you and me, I don't really think that the puppy pictures actually cure cancer because they are just pictures but you never know. I don't have cancer myself so maybe they work? Also, we could forward them on to Mrs. Reda and see if they cure stroke sickness too. Think of all the good we could do, man.

I'm sure that you are a pretty good guy and all but I'm kind of sitting here wondering what is up with the bait-and-switch. One minute, I'm talking to some presumably hot widow who is rich and dying and the next thing I know, I'm dealing with you and you're talking about bringing yet another dude into our party. This email is turning into a sausage-fest for reals. Do you think that maybe you can try and find a decent looking female attorney that we could deal with instead? I figure that $10,000 payment could go a long way to convince someone to join our cause. Hell, for $10,000 I know a few upscale hookers who can act as attorneys. Will that work?

While we're on the topic of things that you could do to improve my customer satisfaction here, maybe you could stop bringing up my wife and kids? They were killed in a horrible blimp accident last year and their death is still fresh in my memory. OK, sure, maybe I had something to do with the "accident" and maybe the police consider me a "person of interest" but that doesn't mean that I am not grieving. I cried no less than 6 times while reading your email because you just kept throwing the "wife and kids" phrase around. That really bothered me. I am starting to think that you are a horrible person, Pookie. Not only do you want me to have sex (gay sex!) with you and your lawyer friend, you mock my grieving and fragile state.

I really want to sit down and work with you on this matter because, frankly, I could really use Mrs. Brown's cash but your absolute lack of professionalism is a huge concern to me. I mean, I'm only getting 30% of this stockpile for all the trouble I am going through. What about my needs and wants? What about my need to want more than 30%? Maybe I'm reading too much here but I get the feeling that you're the kind of person who could grease a few wheels in your neck of the woods. How about you and me, maybe we work together to get 100% of Mrs. Brown's money? She's stupid and dying anyway, so what is the harm? Giving all that money to charity would be a huge, colossal waste. She's a self-admitted orphan and I know for a fact that those people are legally retarded.

Think of all the cool shit that you could buy with the money. You could buy a giraffe. A FUCKING GIRAFFE! Do you know how awesome that would be? Your very own giraffe? You could ride that shit to work and make the bank set up special giraffe parking just for you. If the giraffe starts acting up, get a switch and beat it like it's your wife. Or, you know, I'm just speculating that maybe you would want to have intercourse with your giraffe. I personally wouldn't but perhaps you're freaky. A lot of people would buy cars with their money but you can't have sex with cars. (Edit: a quick online search has proven the previous statement to be false.)

OK, so maybe I am on to something here, yes? You are enticed by the idea of owning your very own giraffe. Maybe I suggest that we take this thing one step further? That lawyer friend of yours, maybe he has an "accident" after he releases the money. We gotta be smart about this thing and tie up and loose ends. You could maybe chop up the body and feed it to your giraffe. I'm not sure if giraffes eat meat or not but whatever. I have some other body disposal tips that I won't get into here. If the time comes, we can work on it then. Look, I have only the utmost concern for Mrs Reda's money and would like to see it fall into my hands sooner rather than later. I don't know how much longer she has left to live but, you know, maybe we could accelerate the process?

OK, I realize that I just put a lot on your lap here. With me sitting in America, there isn't much that I can do to help so you kind of have to be the man of action on the ground over there. I'm sure that you don't want to be a bank manager forever, regardless of how awesome you are at it and this is your ticket out. Both our tickets. But I have to know that I can trust you. I am also placing a lot of faith in you to handle your business and get us this fast cash. Trust me, you wouldn't want me to hop on a plane and have to come hunt you down. Joran Van Der Sloot ain't got nothing on me, bitch. You better believe that if you try and double-cross me.

So, anyway, yeah, why don't you work on getting back to me about all of this. Also, let me know if you still want those puppy pictures because I could totally send them. The third one is pretty cute.

Stay Legit,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

And that is how you shut down an email thread. I can't really say how I would have felt if he actually replied back and was interested in my proposition but I guess when there isn't any actual money to be had, it would be kind of stupid to do so. Sometimes I just don't have the patience to draw the whole thing out.

I think, for now, Roger is going to go on a well-deserved vacation where he can soak up some rays and not spend his free time dealing with blabbering idiots. In the mean time, if you come across any extraordinary spam emails that you feel deserve a reply, please forward them to roger@4kb.com.

With Valentine's Day right around the corner, this is the time of year where radio and televisions commercials talk non-stop about the fact that if you don't have anyone to buy roses and a Zales diamond for, you're pretty much just a pathetic loser who is going to die alone. And while we'd like to consider this kind of shallow feelings-based money grab an American thing, the truth is that lonely people exist all over the world -- they're just usually too preoccupied with civil unrest and protesting stuff to do anything about it.

All of the above probably helps to explain the huge influx in relationship-related spam that I have been receiving lately. Many of these come attached with long sob stories about people living in a country that I couldn't find on a map and I have to admit that they get pretty old after a while. If you've seen one poor person, you've seen them all and if that one poor person that you saw got a little too close, you also realize just how hard it is to get the "poor smell" off your nice suit. It's that kind of shit that makes me dislike anyone making less than six figures. Per hour.

But as I was paying my assistant to mass-delete anything in my quarantine folder, one email stood out for its brevity and simplicity. She had one name and promised to send a picture. She was single and just wanted a chance to know me. "Take a number," I muttered before it dawned on me just how heartless I was being to myself and the imaginary personalities that live inside my brain. You see, while it's quite obvious that I live a life of luxury and envy, the same cannot said for my alter-ego, Roger Garrison, whom I sent off some months ago to do something that I can't remember. It wasn't really important, which is why I didn't go myself.

That said, I know that Roger has tried to find true love in the past but a happy conclusion eluded him. Was the time right for him to jump back into the scene and try again? The only way to find out for sure is to just do the damn thing, which is why I forwarded Roger the below email and started his journey.

From: "oldham" [sunsy_oldham@w.cn]
Subject: HELLO

Hello ,
Good day, My name is Sunsy 26yrs single girl,from Sierra Leone in West Africa. Presently residing in Ouagadougou (Burkina Faso) I will love to know you. Upon your reply I will tell you more about myself and send you my picture.

Love Sunsy

Wow, if only meeting single women who want to get to know you better was this easy off the internet. It would have saved me a ton of money on my roofie bill. Anyway, pretty standard stuff so far. Write me back and I will tell you more and by "more" I imagine that to mean a bunch of really depressing but made-up stuff about your life.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: sunsy_o@w.cn
Subject: Re: HELLO

Dearest Sunsy,

Thank you for contacting me! I was just sitting here in my office, staring at my completely empty inbox, wondering if love was ever in the cards for me and BOOM, there you come, flying out of the clouds with two alligators strapped to your feet saying shit like "I will love to know you." To be honest, that is like some straight-up David Copperfield stuff right there. The magician, not the novel. Unless the book is also about a magician? I don't know; I never bothered to learn to read.

But I apologize for getting so excited. I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Roger Garrison and as you might have already figured out, I'm a pretty lonely fellow. I don't have a lot of friends and I very rarely get any email, so it's nice to finally have the chance to converse with someone. The fact that you are a single girl makes it that much more enjoyable. It also explains why my hands are sweating as I type this email because I'm pretty socially awkward and I have a hard time saying what is on my mind. By "hard time" I mean writing extremely long emails to people I don't know. If that doesn't make any sense to you, I know what you mean.

I don't want to bore you (yet) with my life story. Not on our first date, anyway. (This is considered a date, right? Because I just told my cat I was on a date and she's pretty happy for me.) Hopefully, with this reply to you, you will tell me more about yourself and send me pictures, instead of just ignoring me like all the "normal" girls do. Once my basement is finished, they won't be laughing much after that.

Anyway, I absolutely cannot wait to hear back from you, to hear all about where you live and to see pictures of you. I'm asking nicely right now that you don't go back on your word. I really dislike when people do that so I hope for your sake that we chat very soon!

With Stalking Affection,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

A somewhat soft first volley back, largely because the original email didn't leave me a whole lot to work with. This is more of a mechanism to get to her story and picture but adding just enough sarcasm for her to learn to ignore. If you start small, she'll be able to look past the larger stuff later. That's what true love is all about.

From: "sunsy oldham" [sunsy_o@w.cn]
To: roger@4kb.com
Subject: FROM MISS SUNSY

Dearest Roger,

Thank you very much for your Urgent mail. I am very glad to read through your mail this morning i am admired with you. Let me write you my biography.

I was born in Sierra Leone in West Africa. I am a single girl of 26 years and i do not have kids. But i am presently living in Ouagadougou-Burkina Faso,l which is neighboring country to my country due to the civil war and crisis in my Country Sierra Leone. I am presently residing here in Burkina Faso, as a result of the civil war that was fought in my country some years ago.

My late father was a politician and the managing director of a Gold & Mine Ind in Sierra Leone before the rebels attacked our house one early morning and killed my father in cold blood. It was only me that is alive now and i managed to make our way to near by country Burkina Faso, where i am living now as a refugee through United Nation Security Agency.

I would like to know more about you. Your likes and dislikes, your hobbies and what you are doing presently. I really want to have a good relationship with you, Once again, A relationship of deep feeling that will construct a mutual understanding. I will tell you more about myself in my next mail.

Attached here is my picture and i will like to see yours,

Hoping to hear from you soon .
Yours in love,
Sunsy

Trust me, as much as it hurt your eyes and brain to read the above email, you should have seen it before I cleaned it up somewhat. It's these kind of sacrifices that I make for you, the reader. I don't talk about them a lot but that's just the kinds of things that I do. I'm a nice guy like that.

Anyway, here is the picture she sent:



Looks like she could be right up Roger's alley.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: sunsy_o@w.cn
Subject: Re: FROM MISS SUNSY

A-Yo Sunsy! What up girl!

I hope it's OK that I opened up the email like that. Once I saw your picture and learned that you were, um, of the darker persuasion, I went onto youtube and searched for things that hip-hop people would say because I wanted to make you feel right at home. Sorry if I offended you. I don't really talk like that. I'm more of a renaissance man and I'd say shit like, "to my fairest true lady whom ye heart I hold dear," but that tends to scare anyone away who isn't completely retarded so I decided to switch my game up a little. You know what? Maybe we can just move past that.

I can't begin to describe how happy I am that you replied to my email so quickly. It's such a rare occasion that any woman in her right mind willingly spends more than five minutes talking to me, unless I'm forking over money per hour to the guy she shows up at my hotel room with. Not sure what his deal is since he just goes into the bathroom and peeks his head out every now and then. Kind of creepy but since we're just talking and not doing anything nasty, I don't mind. Maybe one day he'll join in the conversation. I don't have much experience with people who wear leopard coats and gold chains but maybe they know a thing or two about molecular biology. He's probably just shy like I am.

Thank you so much for including your picture. I'll freely admit that I've already "finished" three times since your email arrived. You are one nice looking lady. Your legs look like you could snap my neck with one of those wrestling moves but maybe if we ever see each other and "get busy" I can ask you to be nice and gentle with me. As much as I would like to be a stallion, I'm pretty sure that I am just a gelding or whatever the hell baby horses are called. Also, just to get it out there, I am definitely not hung like a horse. I mean, not even close. I'm almost at negative dick at this point. But, uh, if you're cool with all that, then so I am.

Per your request, I attached a picture of myself along with this email.



You know, probably not my best angle but it's just me and my cat chillin'. Just really keeping it real, you know? That's pretty much the only way I know how to keep it so take it or leave it, sister. When I'm not taking glamor shots in my church clothes with my cat, I'm probably either surfing the internet or playing Dungeons and Dragons. Do you ever play role-playing games? You would make a good orc because of your size. Not racist. If you'd like, I can create you a character to play during our next "intense" gaming session. I'll let you know how you do. I think Keith is going to host the game at his house this time and it's pretty rad. You know, probably just going to dungeon crawl and level up for a while before we really get serious.

Anyway, after reading your email, it sounds like you've been through some pretty tough times. I went through some tough times also. I mean, nothing like my father being murdered and having to flee the country but this one weekend not too long ago, my internet service was out for almost 72 hours. Can you believe that? That was fucking tough to deal with. Don't they know that I have important business to do online? I have emails to check and forums to post on. On this one, I've got over 1500 posts and that makes me a gold star member. I'm one of three. Every time I think about how I did that, I want to high-five myself. Man, I can be amazing sometimes.

But, you know, it's not all good times over here either. Maybe, just maybe, now that I have been able to reach out and connect with you, we can work together to make a brighter tomorrow for both of us. I'm really trying not to get ahead of myself here but I'm starting to sense a real connection between us. It's something magical, like a level 5 fireball spell. Hopefully you feel the same. You just say the word and I will totally change my Facebook relationship status from "so horribly lonely" to "might be attached but still willing to schling a schlong on the side."

I can't wait to hear more about you!

With Tremendous Disease,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

With that, the electronic fishing pole of love has cast its bait into the water and now the fisherman has nothing to do but sit back and wait for something to bite. Will this finally be the time Roger meets the girl of his dreams? Probably not. Will she continue to respond with babbling incoherency and poorly-typed emails? Absolutely.

Stay tuned for the next installment.

It was during the 1990's that the great prophet Haddaway asked, "What is love?" and while his well-toned black body and smooth dance moves enchanted us for a time, it did little to bring us any closer to answering the age-old question. Shortly thereafter, he followed that up with the statement, "Baby, don't hurt me," which implied that he was pretty much a pussy and we shouldn't be leaning towards him for philosophical advice. Still, the question remains a valid one.

Unfortunately, for many of us, despite huge research grants and women with loose morals, love continues to be a mystery; an elusive thing that is always just out of reach. Maybe you grow longer arms, they chortle in response, but that's not really practical advice until someone invents a safe, easy-to-use arm stretching machine. Preferably one tested on children first. I don't know about you but I use my arms a lot and I don't want to damage them until I know for certain that it works.

However, for my alter ego, Roger Garrison, things might be starting to look up. If you recall the previous Spamtastic Adventure, Roger began chatting it up with Miss Sunsy, who lives in Africa. She's lonely and just looking for a love connection. Can Roger be the person to fill that void? Read the continuing adventures to find out.

From: "sunsy oldham" [sunsy_o@w.cn]
To: roger@4kb.com
Subject: WITH LOVE AND TRUST

My Dearest Roger,

Many thanks for your mail this moment. How was your night? It delighted my heart read through your mail this moment i thank you for your caring and sweet words and i pray that God will lead us into the home of our rest. I would have love been on your side over there. But i have the faith that God will make it possible soon for us to stay and live together as one big family. As for me i am in good health only that we have a poor condition in this camp. Actually age is just a number and i believed that it has nothing to do in our relationship hence the love is there and better understanding.

Actually it takes a once to know a friend by one day and we will start learning each other gradually. But you mean more than friend to me. you have brought life back to me, i am feeling alive today and have been memorizing your mail and thinking of you throughout this moment, actually i knew that we are meant to be together'' though i know distance is far but i believe that love is a bridge that can connect far distance to be closer. TRUE LOVE is the most Precious Treasure, True Love is the most Beautiful Emotion but very difficult to find True Love in this selfish world. I have seen the life very closely, that's why I know how precious Love is. Certainly as of this moment you have fill my heart with joy and happiness.

About my family,. I was brought up from Christan and decent family in the family of Late Dr. Oldham Bamba and My late father was a full time politician and businessman, While my mother was a nurse in the capital city of our country Sierra Leone before they demise with bad experience of war. My dear i will join you over there in your country with your family as my life is going down here i am suffering in this prison called refugee where people are not taking care of" and where there is no food rather treating us like a prisoner. Imagine a young girl like me staying where people are not taking care only remembering my past each day in my life where other girls are enjoying with the family and celebrating their life but i spend all my season in this prison called refugee camp.

Please i need your help i am writing this latter with tears running out from my eyes even to eat i have nothing to eat i am not talking about my dress but the problem is to eat and to be free out from here but i believe and hope on you, please don't allow me to die here God bless you as you help me out from here. In my next mail i will tell you more about myself and there is one secret i will like to share with you and also give you the telephone number you will use to call me. I need to see your picture and looking at your face will only given me joy and happiness, i will send you more of my pictures in my next mail.

I wish you happy day
Sincerely in Love,
Sunsy,

Don't feel compelled to actually read any of that. I certainly didn't. It's a whole lot of crazy with enough grammatical mistakes to make an English teacher commit suicide.

All you really need to know is that she leads a very depressing life, she's starting to really find true love in Roger, and she included the following picture:



Sweet.

From: roger@4kb.com
To: sunsyoldham22@live.com
Subject: Re: WITH LOVE AND TRUST

To My Homegirl Sunsy,

Thank you for continuing to write me back. With each email that you send, I can feel the crotch area of my pants get a little tighter and the inside of my bowels a little more irritable. I'm not 100% sure how that will be parsed through your translator software but please be assured that both of those are very good things. I think that I am really starting to feel a connection between us here. Not trying to be too forward but you're pretty much the only girl that I have said more than ten words to in my entire lifetime and I think that really speaks volumes about where we're going with this. (Third base?)

My friends have cautioned me that you might not be who you say you are and that this whole thing might just be a setup but I don't care. I'm not listening to them. You are the girl that I think I am starting to love and each new letter that you send me brings me extreme comfort. Your words are like the email equivalent of a Snuggee. You know, it's the blanket with sleeves!

I'll admit that I must have tried like at least five times to read the last letter that you sent me but I have a hard time understanding retarded people. It's like you just copied and pasted a bunch of stuff from like four other emails and jumbled it all together. "Fuck it, it's good enough for Roger," you might have said as you clicked send. I'd like to know that that was not the case. That maybe I mean a little more to you than some copy/paste job. Also, I ignored all the parts where you mentioned your problems and said you were crying, so hopefully I didn't miss much.

You speak a lot of TRUE LOVE and I appreciate that. I also yearn to find TRUE LOVE and I can think of no better place to find TRUE LOVE than by chatting it up with strangers on the internet. Hey, it worked for match.com. I would very much like to show you real affection by penetrating you repeatedly with my tool of TRUE LOVE and perhaps finishing with some TRUE LOVE right in your eyeball. Don't worry, TRUE LOVE only burns for a few minutes.

I am excited that you are talking about exchanging phone numbers. That is some very next level stuff right there. I would very much like you get some telephone intercourse going. When I call, you should be prepared to be doing some nasty stuff because that's how I like it. Like carrot in the anus nasty. Phone sex makes Roger freaky.

Please send me more pictures as well since I am having a hard time getting it up to the other two that you have sent me. Kind of a "been there, done that" deal. The last picture you sent me was, well, how can I say it was the ugliest thing I have every seen without actually saying that? I mean, I'm not sure who did your interior decorating but god damn, I know families in the 1970's who would have rejected that furniture. But I guess refugees can't be choosers, right?

Sunsy, please write back to me with more tales of African love. I think that I am really falling for you and hopefully one day we can be together. You in the kitchen cooking and cleaning. Me, watching television or something. But hey, at least we'll be together.

I can't wait to hear back from you. Seriously. Don't make me wait.

With Chewed Gum,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

Pretty much all I can do from this point on is to make fun of her, make her believe that our life together will be complete shit, and still convince her to write back.

No small task but then again, Roger is no small man.

It actually took her less than an hour to respond and she finally dropped a bombshell.

From: "sunsy oldham" [sunsyoldham22@live.com]
To: roger@4kb.com
Subject: GOD BLESS YOU

My Dearest Love Roger,

Many thanks for your delighted mail. How was your night? Hope fine in your side. Mine is a little bit hot over here in Ouagadougou (Burkina-Faso}. Like i told you in my last mail and I will like to see you face to face and it's my concern to join you there, in this camp we are only allowed to go out from the camp only on Mondays and Fridays of the weeks. It's just like one staying in the prison and i hope by Gods grace i will come out here soon.

I don't have any relatives now whom i can go to all my relatives ran away in the middle of the war, the only person i have now is ( Rev.Henry Beth) who is the pastor of the (Church) here in the camp he has been very nice to me since i came here but i am not living with him rather i am living in the women's hostel because the camp have two hostels, one for men the other for women.The Pastor's Tel number is ( +226-785-751-27 ) if you call and tell him that you want to speak with me, he will send for me in the hostel. As a refugee here i don't have any right or privileged to anything be it money or whatever because it is against the law of this country. I want to go back to my studies because i only attended my first year before the tragic incident that lead to my being in this situation now took place.

Please listen to this (it's a secret, even the Revrend don't know about it),i have my late father's statement of account and his death certificate here with me which i will send to you latter,because when he was alive he deposited some amount of money in one of the leading Financial House in which he used my name as the next of kin,the amount in question is $7,000,000.00(Seven Million US Dollars).So i will like you to help me transfer this money to your account and from it you will send some money for me to get my traveling documents and air ticket to come over to meet with you.I kept this secret to people in the camp here so in the light of above i will like you to keep it to yourself and don't tell it to anyone for i am afraid of loosing my life and the money if people gets to know about it.

Remember i am giving you all this information due to the trust i deposed on you now. I like honest and understanding people, truthful and a man of vision, truth and hardworking .Have a nice day and think about me. Awaiting to hear from you soonest. Attached is my picture will like to see yours more. Please as soon as you receive this mail try to call me +226-785-751-27,
‏
Yours Ever,
Sunsy

Per my request, she included another picture but I'm not going to bother posting it because it was pretty much just a zoomed in copy of the one she already sent me of her sitting in the chair. Yeah, the unflattering one. Nice work, Sunsy.

So, the secret is out of the bag. She's secretly rich but she has been hiding it from everyone. Everyone except me! It's like today is my lucky day. Of course, I plan on keeping it a secret. I'm only posting it here because no one reads this damn thing and I have short term memory problems.

Now Roger has the chance to find love and be rich. An opportunity too good to pass up?

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "sunsy oldham"[sunsyoldham22@live.com]
Subject: Re: GOD BLESS YOU -- did you just sneeze?

To My Drag Queen Sunsy,

Before I jump into getting all email-y with you, I just want to point out that while I think all this correspondence is a great thing and I really feel a strong bond with you, you are kind of bumming me out. I mean, with every email it's all about you and how you're stuck in some prison camp or something. "Oh, I only get out on Monday and Fridays and my Dad was murdered and I'm not allowed back in my country." That shit is like mad depressing. At least you could lie about stuff every now and then like I do. It might actually make me want to be with you more. Just sayin'. Next time, tell me you spent the day picking flowers or making fun of minorities. Pretty much anything but whatever you normally write me.

OK, now, that wasn't easy to say but I had to say it. I hope you understand that a relationship is a complex thing and that we have to put some work into it. It's not all fun and games. Well, not for you anyway. To be clear, should we move this thing forward, I get to do whatever I want. You get to do what I tell you. That's how we are going to roll as Mr. and Mrs. Garrison. Of course, I'd never actually acknowledge you in front of people I know but them's the breaks. Get used to the nickname "hired help."

Speaking of rolling, I have AMAZING NEWS for you. So, you remember a few emails back where I talked about getting together with Keith for some tabletop RPG gaming? Well, we did and it was awesome. Because you are my TRUE LOVE, I made sure that we devoted some time to creating your character and fleshing you out a back story. You are a half-orc that escaped a life of slavery to become a great warrior of some type. Your name is Juice Johnson and you managed to get +12 in both strength and annoyance stats. Unfortunately, you took a -6 hit to intelligence but having known you for weeks, it seems about right. Also, to start off, you got equipped with the Monistat Sword, which includes +7 to your vaginal dryness attribute. All in all, quite an amazing roll. When you get out here, we should be able to have lots of dungeon romps together. I'm so excited.

So, anyway, after we had this intense gaming session, I figured now that I have your number, I better call and give you the good news. Unfortunately, I was still in character and I don't think the guy on the other end knew what I was talking about. He kept repeating that no one by the name of "Fair Lady Juice Johnson" was there. Maybe you can have a talk with him? This kind of news is far better broken over the phone and I was highly disappointed that I could not get in contact with you.

Thank you again for the new picture, but I see you didn't take any of the advice I gave you in the last letter. Also, I know that you talk a lot about the harsh conditions you're under and I certainly believe your life is not well right now but I have to get something off my chest. I mean, if we're going to spend the rest of our lives together in TRUE LOVE, I think you should hear me out. I'm not trying to be a dick but you know, maybe you could stand to lose a few pounds? I'm not sure if the refugee camp that you're staying has a buffet line or not but maybe skip a meal or two. It certainly wouldn't hurt things. Try as you might to convince me, you're not exactly Auschwitz material right now based on your pictures.

Sorry if that came off as harsh but it's the truth. Sure, I might be a lonely nerd who has had extremely limited contact with any woman aside from his mother but I'm an American lonely nerd and we have standards. My status be damned. I'm not really out for brains so the only thing left to me is beauty and the only school that I care about you graduating from is the school of oral pleasure. Only you have the power to prevent you from being ugly. And forest fires. Not sure if you know what a forest is but maybe I can show you a picture sometime.

Speaking of that, to help brighten your day, I have included another great picture of me and my cat.



This one is even more awesome because it has lasers in the background and my sweater is pretty rad. Lasers are fucking awesome. Maybe we get your waistline some laser surgery when you get over here. Also, that's pretty cool about your money thing. Not 100% sure why you're hiding it from everyone in the camp, though. It'd probably make you pretty popular. Maybe you wouldn't need to be finding love over the internet in that case. All good, though.

Get back at me soon and let me know how we can move forward with our relationship. I hope to hear from you soon.

With An Enlarged Prostate,
Roger Garrison (a.k.a. Lord Fluffadong)
roger@4kb.com

Is the path we are forging here the way to true love? Will Roger ever get to taste the sweet smell of refugee funk while setting her untold millions on fire right in front of her eyes? I don't know. What I do know is that I have to wait and see if she writes me back again. Kind of need her cooperation here to make these things happen. Stay tuned and you'll know more when I know more.

The majority of spammers who wind up getting involved with my Spamtastic Adventure updates tend to fall into two distinct categories: You get the spammer who doesn't bother to read my emails, regardless of how outlandish and he simply replies with whatever copy/paste job he had lined up but managed to do a "search and replace" to insert Roger's name. The other end of the spectrum involves the spammer who appears to read every word I say and while he seemingly overlooks the more inane and sarcastic stuff, he'll at least respond directly to points I made previously, which makes things a lot more interesting.

Up until this point, I would have to say that adventure #9 (Sunsy) would have fallen into the first category, since everything so far as appeared to simply go over her head and get ignored. That is, until I received her latest reply. While she doesn't appear to have read my previous emails too carefully, she does mention "Juice Johnson" by name and the fact that it confused her, made me smile and laugh a little inside. It doesn't make up for the fact that she is a completely horrible (and likely made-up) person but it makes the road getting there a little bit easier on the eyes.

After three adventure updates involving multiple emails, Miss Sunsy has started to wear out her welcome in my inbox and even though she decided to start being a better email responder, her time (and the window for this update series) has come to an end. Please read below for the thrilling* conclusion to my alter-ego Roger Garrison's adventures in internet romance. (* conclusion may not actually be thrilling.)

We start things off with Sunsy's reply back from my latest email:

From: "sunsy oldham" [sunsy_o@w.cn]
To: roger@4kb.com
Subject: I AM SORRY FOR MY LATELY RESPONSE.

My Dearest Roger,

Good morning to you and how is your weekend? I knew that my email will find you well and good condition over there in the State. Thus, I hope that your day is blessed with happiness and joy. I'm praying that your day is as special as you are! I am writing this mail to show appreciation of all the things that you have been to me and you have shown me this days, despite that my situation here does not permit me to reply your earliest email than now. You were a true gift sent from God. Please I apologies for my lately response although you would have understand my present situation and condition in this prison so called refugee camp. I have never been once happy since ever I came to this place and everything has been so difficult and uneasy to me here. Perhaps since last week I was down sick and could not feel fine due to the type of food and treatment we are receiving in this camp which I am not usually use to it before. Coming to my situation in this camp it is a something that was so vaguely to my understanding here crying and shed tears always, which was actually called Post Traumatic Stress.

Actually, it warms my heart to read through your inspiration and encouragement words this moment. My dear, you were my strength and you have wiped out the tears of sorrows, and replaced it with joy. I can only read and remember this quotation in the bible. (Matthew 11:28). It said. Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Truly God has given me rest by having you in my life and I said it early that now, you were sent from above to me. I knew it. Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. Just be patient all your friends will later join us and celebrate the signs and wonders of the lord Jesus Christ. I am a little bit confused on how and what to do just to eradicate from my vivid mind your charming and handsome face in your pictures. I love all the pictures and wish to see more as I have printed the last one and usually keeping it on beg pillow while sleeping.

Honey I was somehow confused in some area in your mail. You made mention something that beyond my imagination. Please what do you exactly mean by Juice Johnson which you was directing me to have a discussion with? I could not understand. And you also stated that you called me and you couldn't get me, that is frustrating. Please you should crosscheck the phone number I gave to you in my previous email because it seems to me that you were mistaking. As I am not Juice Johnson or either knows somebody that bearing such name.

However, I am really willing to partner with you and follow your instruction as husband and wife as you have mentioned in your mail henceforth you promised and ensured me that I am in right part and safety in your hands. Is true that I found you through internet but God knows why it has happen like that and I truly appreciate the comfort and the first impression you have given to me which made me to have a bite entrust over you. I cherished all your conversation and wish I can see you face to face at this moment as I'm having in mind and with all the confidence that you were thoroughly angel to me. I know I don't express it nearly as often as I should, but Roger, don't doubt me. I love you more now than I ever thought possible. And that love grows each and every day. Please don't let me down or either been listen to your friends who usually not like your progress, their were enemy of progress, although I trust you, and I like a man usually stand on his decision in order to achieve his goal. I am willing to prove them wrong very soon.

But honey I wish to beg you for one thing! Please, will it be possible for you to take a short trip to visit me here in this country so that we both can see each other and also sit in round table and discuss more about our future and also the secret which I have revealed to you in my previous email.

I am desperate and certainly wish to see you beside me here, while its very necessary and conducive to have ourselves together, then to share our thought and way forward toward the project about the transaction. Meanwhile you should have understand that this fund which I am talking about is the only hope I have on earth which my beloved late father left for me to further my education and live the rest of my life before he die, so therefore you must have maintain any kept all our privacy and all has been mentioned as such as secret, since I have never letting any other person know except you and you alone. Please try as much as possible to call me so that I can hear your voice and also discuss about this present situation with you as soon as possible.

I am yours, and you were mine. You hold my heart. I love you, and thank you for making me the luckiest girl on earth. I knew that you will be able to lead me to live the life of which I have always dreamed. In fact, it will grant all our wishes. I know that you are the most cherished I desires to fulfilled my wishes. With you my life will become completely transformed from this mishap condition. Juts understand that I am thinking of you always and dairy in my life. I wish you happy valentine ahead of you. How is wish i am there with you tomorrow. Oh my God!!!!!!!

Yours in Love,
Sunsy

If you don't bother to read any of the above, at least take time to read paragraph three, since that is where she references the D&D character that I made for her.

To summarize the rest, her prison conditions are really harsh and now she is claiming that she is coming down with many medical conditions. She also reaffirms that she loves me dearly, that I am the man she desires, and that she wants me to take a trip out to Africa to see her. Cool.

Oh yeah, she also wished me a Happy Valentine's Day, which was nice of her. (The email contained a small picture of a rose as an attachment to show that she was serious.) She also sent along the exact same picture sent attaches to every email but time time, it's zoomed in a little.

For reference:

Nice cat, thunder thighs.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "sunsy oldham" [sunsyoldham22@live.com]
Subject: Re: I AM SORRY FOR MY LATELY RESPONSE.

To My Favorite Perforated Rectum Sunsy,

Hey bad lookin', whatcha got cookin'? Hopefully dinner! Ha ha. But no, seriously, what are you cooking because I am hungry as hell and Mom thinks that because I have a girlfriend now, I have to grow up and "act like a man." I told her that she acts like a man and then I pointed out her mustache and she wasn't very happy with me after that. So, anyway, I kind of apologize because I'm not in the worlds greatest mood. After I sat down at the computer and saw that a new letter had arrived from you, I kind of thought that might help boost my spirits but you're not very good at that sort of thing so I think I might be worse off now than I was before. You're like the equivalent of having a pen pal who is illiterate. But, hey, as long as you put out regularly when you get over here, right?

I really made an effort to sit down and read every word that you wrote me but after an hour of hard work, I was still on the first paragraph and I kind of gave up. Your emails are like a bowel movement that's gone horribly wrong. I don't think I have to elaborate on that topic but I probably will at some point later. (You look like you enjoy toilet humor.) However, I see that you refused to take my advice on the "be less whiny" thing. I get it, you're in a prison. Conditions are generally pretty poor in those places. I think if they made prison a fun place to hang out, more people would start committing violent crimes. Wouldn't that be something? But just because I gloss over your obvious situation troubles doesn't mean that I don't care. I would gladly switch places with you in a heartbeat, just to get you out of that mess. (Also, I assume once you are free, you would stop sending me long emailed diatribes about your horrible conditions and made-up mental disorders but, if not, then consider the deal off.)

I see that you've started name-dropping God and randomly quoting bible verses for the hell of it. Not sure where that came from. I mean, I guess a person in your position has to have faith in someone but let that person be Roger. If needs be, I can start dropping verses from the book of Roger to help guide you to the light. "Fish sticks are fucking fantastic," (Dinner, 9:13). You know, that kind of thing. Let me know if you need any more because I have like 50 or so that I wrote down one night while I was trippin' on shrooms. I'm not overly religious personally but I'm not above letting other people worship me. Maybe tell your friends about it. It's not a cult -- it's a cause! I mean, you already sleep next to printed out pictures of me. I don't think anything further is that much of a stretch and you have to admit, tax-exempt status would be pretty fucking sweet.

Anyway, sorry if I confused you with all the Juice Johnson stuff. I mistakenly figured that you were actually reading the emails I sent back to you where I clearly explained what I was talking about but as you stated, I guess it was "beyond [your] imagination." I guess it's all for the best anyway. With your strictly limited intelligence, you wouldn't make the best tabletop RPG gamer and then Keith would probably get mad, storm around the room, and throw dice at your head while we play. (He has a short temper but VERY good aim.) Whatever. I guess you could just fetch us drinks and snacks and shit while we play instead. I guess it's time to email Keith and let him know that our next gaming session should be called "THE JUICE IS LOOSE" where I guess we pretend that your character ran away and then we kind of just go back to playing more important stories. Still, maybe you give me a little credit for thinking about you and trying to include you instead of being all bitchy to me about not getting your name right when I called.

I have not yet had a chance to call again as I was too busy having an awesome Valentine's Day. It helped a great deal that you wished me to have a happy one so, instead of sitting around at home by myself, I paid a couple of under-aged high school chicks to get freaky with me in my van. Seriously, the best Valentine's Day ever and I really appreciate your support and great idea. I guess it's not all bad having you in my life. Uh, also, yes, I was very sad that you were not there. Or something like that. I mean, whatever you want to hear. (Remember, I hold your heart and I can do whatever I want with it so just let sleeping dogs lie.)

Also, I would love (word used loosely) to come visit you! I've never traveled to Africa but sometimes I visit 7-11 really late at night, so I think I kind of know what to expect. Are you allowed to have visitors at your prison camp? I'm just trying to figure out if I need to bribe the guards or something to get in. You make the conditions sounds pretty harsh there, so they might not be so welcome to a white guy and his cat barging in and demanding to see you.

Please provide me with more information about how I can arrange such a trip.

Also, please continue to send me the exact same picture of you with every email, as there is no possible way that I could ever get tired of not looking at it.

I will try my best to call you this week but in the mean time, I require more letters from you so please respond!

With What Some Consider Love,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

For a second, I thought this adventure might finally be going somewhere, what with her millions of dollars she is hiding and the fact that she wanted me to take a trip out to Africa to visit her but, alas, this appears to not be the case.

It wasn't but a few hours after I sent the above email that I got a reply back. Apparently, she finally figured out that I have been doing nothing but sending her a lot of very mean emails and she doesn't want any more of it.

From: "sunsy oldham" [sunsy_o@w.cn]
To: roger@4kb.com
Subject: WISHING TO END THIS.

To Roger, My Once Dear.........

I do not know what has happened this with us but I am now very sad. I put my trust in God and him sent you to me but I have been reading the email that you sned to me and I do not understand. You do not say very nice thing to me in what you say and I wonder why. I thought about this as TRUE LOVE and take it very serious but you are making joke about me and prison.

My Late Father was murdered and I am in nothing more than prison and you use mean words to mock me. I wished that you were mine and my heart joined to you but I cannot see now how that happen. I do not wish to talk with you further because you have upset me.

I still wonder what happened and I talk to God (not you) to find out.

Goodbye,
Sunsy

While it was somewhat sad to see the adventure go quickly down the drain, on the bright side, I finally got an email from her that didn't contain the same fucking picture of her sitting in that godawful chair.

Still, Roger isn't the kind of person to let someone else get the last word and with the adventure all but over, it is time for the gloves to come off. (This is a good thing because it makes typing much easier.)

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "sunsy oldham" [sunsyoldham22@live.com]
Subject: Re: WISHING TO END THIS.

To My Punchable Sunsy,

After reading your last email, I thought long at hard for at least five minutes on how I should handle the situation. You made it quite clear to me that you were upset at the words I used and I have to admit that the fact that you might actually be crying right now is giving me an erection. You are seriously the worst person on the internet and considering that I am also on the internet, that's saying something especially harsh.

But before I jump into anything else, let's get one thing clear: nobody cuts off ties with Roger. NOBODY. And even though I clearly consider you a nobody, you're the not the kind of nobody who has the ability to say no to me. You're a completely other kind of nobody. I'm pretty sure that even your late father couldn't stand to be around you, hence why he took the whole "hey, I'm going to get murdered" route. Unfortunately, I have a lot to live for so don't expect that just because you are the equivalent of human garbage, you're going to get rid of me that easily.

Go ahead, try and block my email address in your shitty little spam filter. It's not going to do any good. I'll fucking bombard you with hate mail until your that shit-tastic little 3rd world computer that you're using crashes under the load. And once that happens, you might be saying to yourself, well, at least I can't get any more mail from Roger. WRONG AGAIN. Once your computer is offline, I am going to hire a pilot to fly over every single prison in Africa and just carpet bomb the hell out of them with printed out letters to you. Oh, you're in a no-fly zone? No problem. You ever heard of unmanned drones? THAT SHIT IS REMOTE CONTROL. And once my GPS figures out where you actually are, I'm going to rent a hang-glider, coast over to Africa, and literally kick you in the face for being such a horrible person.

And you say that I'm not nice. Fuck you with that I'm not nice bullshit. Where in your stupid brain did you come up with that idea? I'm nice like 1990's rap slang. But you? You are whatever the opposite of nice is. Like, imagine if you were a book. You know Sun Zu's "Art of War?" You're like Sunsy, "Art of Being A Stain On Humanity." If The New York Times had a worstseller list, you would top it. And it's funny that I am making a bunch of book references because you probably don't get any of them. To you, a book is about as foreign a concept as someone actually caring about you. I'm fairly certain that the only book you ever read was "How To Write Like A Mentally Challenged Person." That said, you managed to take quite a bit away from that experience, so I guess that is something to be proud of.

While I admit that I am upset at the fact that we appear to have wasted so much time going back and forth with one another, it's probably a good thing that we never met and/or got married. We both know that as soon as you signed over that seven million dollars to me, you'd be signed over to a traveling circus troop as quickly as I could find a pen. Not to say that you and I couldn't have had our fun before that occurred, assuming that you consider "fun" to be buying me stuff with your money.

Here is a list of things you could have bought me:

- A saddle, which I would place on your back and ride you like a bronco.

- A shotgun, because if you broke your leg playing horsey, I'd need some mechanism to put you down.

- A barf bag, for use by me whenever you suggested having sex with one another.

- A bucket of your hopes and dreams, so that I had some place to defecate.

- A refrigerator full of expensive food.

- A padlock, for the aforementioned refrigerator because you need to learn to keep your hands off my stuff and you only get food when I think you've earned it.

- A bag of dog treats, for days when you didn't piss me off.

- A hair trimmer, so that I can shave your head bald.

- A sharpie, so that I can make funny doodles on your exposed cranium to entertain myself while you "service" me.

Do you see that? That is good times. That is what you could have brought to the table. Did you do that? No. All you did was bitch and whine about being in prison and how horrible your life is. If I wanted a female that thought I cared about their problems, I could have found at least three a lot closer to home.

But I don't wish to waste my time any further than I already have. I'm going to leave you now, for good, and let you return to your miserable shithole of a life. Me? Well, I'm going to go back to eating endangered animals and making fun of people like you. That is what I do and I thrive on your misery. I hope that this little exchange of ours has taught you a thing or two about TRUE LOVE, largely that you will never find it and you're going to die alone. Tell the pastor at your prison to call me in the event that you do die as I would very much like to be the only person to attend your funeral, if only to piss on your coffin before you go underground.

With As Much Love As Ever,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

P.S. I told everyone on the internet about the money you're hiding.

"Oh my God, you're so mean," the people would say and yes, I would agree. Of course, I'm not completely heartless. If I knew that the above letter was being read by anyone other than an enclave of (probably) male spammers who do this for a living, I might actually feel some semblance of guilt about it. But as it stands right now, all I feel is the extreme urgency of needing to use the restroom. Some of these are updates are starting to get seriously long.

So, it does appear that, once again, spam love will continue to elude Roger. Not sure if that is ever going to be in the cards but what I can be certain of is that I/he will never stop trying. Well, as long as I keep getting junk email, of course.

This article is part of the Spamtastic Adventures series of updates.

It's been almost a year and a half since I last logged in to the handful of email accounts that I keep around solely to collect spam and I was quite remiss at some of the opportunities that passed me by. So much cash, money and dick drugs to be had at vast discounts. It truly boggles the mind. But since I'm back on the "writing words on the internet" bandwagon, there is no better time than now jump in feet first.

For those of you not in the know, this update series revolves around the idea of me replying to actual spam emails as my made-up alter ego Roger Garrison. This is not a 419-type of affair, as I am not trying to reverse scam the scammers but rather I'm trying to see how ridiculous and over-the-top I can make my replies while keeping the conversation going. As past adventures have proven, I can get the crazy levels up pretty high.

Again, because a lot of people are really dumb, these are actual emails to and from spammers on the internet. I'm not pretending to be a spammer and sending them to myself. (Even if I wanted to, I couldn't write emails at the level they do.) Everything you see below happened. That goes for all past and future Spamtastic Adventure updates. This bears repeating because, again, people are dumb. (Full disclosure: I do clean up the emails with regards to formatting and whatnot when appropriate. If you think they're a mess to read on here, you should see some of them in raw form.)

That said, let's get things started.

From: "Ms. Ethan Michelle" [budrys.dr@neostrada.pl]
Subject: Project Funding.

Greetings

I request cooperation with you in the sphere of financing viable projects with prospective returns on investment (R.O.I) in your region. Your Projects can be funded from 0% to 100% because I represent Ultra-High Net-worth investor Group who are finding viable projects to fund under the supervision of their consultancy mediator firm with a 5% interest rate and a total period of 10years. If you don’t have any viable project, then i implore you to source from your colleagues or friends that have genuine project yet to be financed due to inadequate funding, my commission is 1% after you collect your loan funds. For more information do get back to me at your earliest convenience, or kindly get my CEO. added on Skype ID. (eco-resource) for a faster communication and always get back to me.

Regards,
Ms. Ethan Michelle

For those not in the know, so much spam revolves around the old Nigerian bank scam or the Western Union money order scam, so it's always a breath of fresh air when you get a different approach to people trying to scam you, even if deep down you know it's the same old routine.

But I wasn't about to pass up a chance to have my project funded, so I let Roger fire off a reply and get the ball rolling.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: michelle_ethan@aol.com
Subject: Re: Project Funding.

Hello Ms. Ethan Michelle,

Greetings right back to you! (high-five!)

My name is Roger Garrison and I'm so thrilled that you contacted me in this completely unsolicited manner to talk about whatever the fuck you're babbling on about, a.k.a investments in my region. I have so many regions that need investment -- particularly my nether region -- so it sounds like this cooperation request for financing could be a jackpot for both of us. I'll admit to not knowing what most of your email said, either due to bad English or the complete misuse of corporate buzzwords but like blind people are fond of saying, let's look past that.

As an inventor and viable projects creator, I think you'll find that you made a wise choice in contacting me. While I am a man of many ideas, I'm not a person with unlimited funds, so getting in with your "Ultra-High Net-worth investor Group" -- which sounds totally legit/awesome by the way -- could really help RG Industries get off the ground. Common misconception by many that "RG Industries" stands for Roger Garrison Industries. It does not. It actually stands for Ruptured Gonad Industries, which was my father's name. Anyway, just a little tidbit of knowledge that you can drop at social networking events once we're both super rich. Well, I guess you might already be rich but I'm not, so let's level the playing field a little bit. (Or a whole lot.)

Your investor group sounds like a really savvy and smart bunch of people, based on the absolute nothing that you told me about them. I mean, the idea that "Projects can be funded from 0% to 100%" is fucking genius. I've talked to a lot of financiers and none have ever offered to fund 0% of my project. It's like you're coming in with this whole new line of thinking and approach to finding shit to (not) waste your money on. Brilliant. It's no small wonder that you guys are considered the best of the best in your field, a field which I assume mostly consists of sending junk email to complete strangers in the small hope that they are dumb enough to respond and have some grand, unpublished idea for a project. Seems niche but hey, haters gonna hate.

So, I'm most definitely on board with whatever you're proposing here, for sure. But while many of my ideas are highly valuable, how do I know that you're on the up-and-up? Like, what's the process that we use here? I'm obviously not going to just tell you all my great ideas and share the cocktail napkins that all of my plans are written down on, so how do we move on from here? I'd like nothing more to work with you and your group on getting some serious R.O.I in my region.

I will wait to hear back from you on how we can proceed further.

With Invented Love,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

The hardest part of any spam adventure is getting them to respond back the first time. Even though they are trying their hardest to scam money from you, you'd be surprised how many of them don't appreciate the not-so-subtle sarcastic approach I use in my emails.

But it looks like Ethan Michelle isn't playing around. She's all business and she changed the email subject to prove it. She must have a very serious need to fund some projects. I wonder what she'll want me to do and then I wonder how I'm going to get around doing it, all the while mocking her existence. Let's see:

From: michelle_ethan [michelle_ethan@aol.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: Re: Fill DD Document To Proceed Forward.

Greetings

Thank for responding to my email, first i must let you know our funding program is not internet based, every project owners should be ready to meet with the investors mediator group for a round table meeting to sign the loan MoU and every other documents, with loan prove of funds, after which delegated would be sent to inspect the project site before funding would be made, this is our investor funding processing, if you are in agreement with this process.

1. kindly fills the financial questionnaire attached to this email with no question left un-answered

2. Provide me with your project scope and executive summary, so I can familiarize with the project financial investor’s mediating consultancy firm.

3. kindly get Mr. Massong Manfred the investors mediator of Magnum Global Investments. Added on Skype ID. (eco-resource) and email: ecoresource@hotmail.co.uk for detailed information, and signing of our NDCA agreements to move forward with this funding processing.

Get back to me soon with your filled DD document, and be rest assure your project will be finance 100% without delay.

Note: We give out loan ranging from $ 1million to $2billion.

Regards,
Name: Ethan Michelle

I wish I could have shown you the form "she" sent me to fill out. It was like 8 or 9 .jpg files that seemed to be bits of pieces of an actual questionnaire but with all kinds of typos and crazy formatting. Each page had "QUESTIONNAIRE FOR FINANCE PURPOSE" in bold along the bottom, so you know it was legit.

I'm honestly not 100% sure how I was supposed to fill that out and get it back to her, even if I wanted to, but I certainly wasn't going to waste any more of my time trying to decipher the crazy, let alone manually type up the questions so that I could answer them. It's best to keep stringing her along anyway.

From: Roger Garrison [roger@4kb.com]
To: michelle_ethan [michelle_ethan@aol.com]
Subject: Re: Fill DD Document To Proceed Forward.

What's up, future business partner Name: Ethan Michelle!

Greetings again! (double high-five!) (If we keep this up, we're going to need to come up with one of those complex handshake things that only we know about. You know, the ones that make everyone else in the room totally uncomfortable while we slap hands and yell at each other because our relationship is tight like that and I assume they are just jealous.)

Thank you for responding to my email that was in response to your email about all kinds of serious business matters. I'm extremely relieved to hear that your funding program is not internet-based. To be honest, I don't even know what the internet is, so I'm glad to know that you're not going to bombard me with all kinds of tech jargon. Let's keep it old school, you know? Tandy calculators and wool suits. That's how real business is accomplished. Maybe some whiskey and hookers. Whatever you're up for. (Let me know, though, if we can just skip the wool suits thing because in case you forgot, I'm broke as fuck and I can't afford to go out and get a new wardrobe just because you decide we can't play on the internet together.)

I'm so fucking pumped to meet up with your team of investors. Like, steroid rage pumped. I'm so amp'd up that I've been breaking random pieces of furniture around my house while yelling financial buzzwords at the top of my lungs. YOU WANT TO INVEST IN ROGER, BABY? YOU GOT THE WHOLE FUCKIN' PACKAGE. You know, those kinds of things. Granted, that is not really the kind of behavior you'd expect from a business person but I'm a stay at home inventor with a drug problem, so what do you want from me? Anyway, I'm totally down to meet at your round table, square table or whatever-shape table to wrap this business deal up. You guys can come inspect my site all you want. (And Ms. Ethan, if you're as fine as I think you are, you can take a special tour of my bedroom if you know what I mean. And if you don't know I mean, I mean sex.)

As far as your numbered list goes, let's burn through them real quick:

1. I have some kind of bad news about this item, which I guess revolves around a financial questionnaire. Firstly, I don't own a computer and the computer I'm currently using is from like, 1986 or some shit. (It can play Zork.) Whatever attachments you sent me to fill out didn't make it, or at least I can't open them. So as much as I'm a "leave no questions behind" kind of guy, I have no idea what questions were that you asked me in your questionnaire. Unless the phrase "I shit buckets of blood" is sufficient to complete the survey, we're going to have to figure out some other method of getting me the questions you want me to answer.

2. Project scope. Got it. Admittedly, I've got a ton, so let me comb through my list and see what jumps out at me to woo you with. Let's see, there's the jump rope with spikes idea. Great for kids or wasteland civilizations. Not sure how well that'll fly unless we have another atomic mishap. (If we do, I have a project idea that revolves around radiation containment and clean-up, so win-win.) I had a super great idea that involved mailing strangers on the internet and asking them for project ideas, but it looks like you might have beat me to that one. The other one that I can throw out there right now is, and brace yourself for this, edible cheesecake. This will have huge appeal to people in the Midwest. You might be asking, isn't cheesecake already edible? I don't fucking know! That's the beauty of the whole concept. I've got like 18 others but we will have solidify our agreement first before I give up more of the goods. You've already gotten some crown jewels above for free, so I don't want to suddenly see a bunch of bootleg products I invented hitting the market.

3. What is Skype and why are you trying to get me talk to random dudes? Many a gay porno started out as innocent as "hey, you should skype this dude" and next thing you know, the entire football team is running a train on him. I'm not into that kind of thing.

So, I got back to you as soon as I could but as mentioned above, I cannot supply you with a DD document at this time. I can, however, supply you with some pictures of women who have a DD cup size? Not sure if that matters to you, unless you swing that way. (Do you?) I'd like to be rest assured that we can work together to finance (100%!) all of my great ideas without delay, so I hope that you can work with me to help me work back with you to provide stuff that will allow you to work with me again, I think.

Please let me know if you can provide your DD form/questionnaire in another format or perhaps just put the questions inside an email so that I can answer them. Like I know what the fuck a .jpg file is.

Note: I am willing to accept your loan ranging from $1 million to $2 billion.

With Pre-Approved Hope,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

Sometimes, when you're done with the initial volley of emails, you have a good idea where the adventure is going to go; whether it'll result in a few more email exchanges of batshit crazy or if it's likely to drop-off rapidly. But with this one, I'm not so sure. Obviously, I didn't fill out her form. I gave her a bunch of stupid (read: awesome) ideas to fund but I don't know how serious she takes her questionnaire form, so that might be a grave mistake on my part.

Maybe she'll respond back, like some, and the adventure will continue with a #10.5 update. Maybe it'll die here. But what's not in doubt is that Roger Garrison has some serious ideas and if you have the serious cash, we could get together and fund some projects, old-school style. No internets.

*** This article is part of the Spamtastic Adventures series of updates.

When I first started doing this "reply to real spammers from a junk account and just be really mean to them" thing back in 2008, I had a veritable cornucopia of emails to choose from and every spamtastic adventure only got me added to more and more lists. Dick drugs, bank scams, and job offers galore. Back then, I was literally swimming in spam email, because I often printed it out, stored it in the bathtub, and jumped in all naked like some kind of idiot who does the backstroke in paper.

But flash forward to now and my how times have changed. My inbox is as empty and barren as a 50 year old's ovaries. Who would have thought that the best way to get rid of spam email to reply back to them? Thankfully, all hope is not lost, as the occasional one still trickles in here and there, so we're not completely adventureless yet. Before we jump on in to the update, I have to get my (soon to be regular) disclaimer out of the way.

SPAMTASTIC ADVENTURES DISCLAIMER: These are actual emails received from and sent back to actual spammers. I try and string them along for as long as possible while being as sarcastic and mean as I can. This is not meant to be a 419 scam. I am not trying to bait them into anything more than interesting conversation. I do clean up the emails with regards to formatting and whatnot when appropriate but everything else is untouched.

Unemployment is a big deal these days and many, many people are finding themselves without a job. My entirely fictional alter-ego, Roger Garrison, is among them, so he's always got his eye out for job opportunities. When the good folks at RIA Financial came knocking (by way of an unsolicited email), Roger was there to answer the call (by replying).

From: recruit_riafinicial@outlook.com
Subject: surveillance-employment

Congratulations,

You have been selected for assignment as an Agent in your area. You will get $400, once you update Us with report and surveillance, and your employment package will include funds for the surveillance. Full job description will be sent to you prior in your assignment. You will have access to training materials after you register. Money order/Payment check would be in a certain amount which you would be required to Cash in your Bank, deduct your salary and have the rest used for the survilance.

Provide the following information if you are interested,and be update with the next step.

complete this form:

* Your Name (first/last):
* Your Physical Address:
* City, State, & Zip Code:
* A g e:
* O c c u p a t i o n:
* Alternative E-mail:

We are waiting your good response, Thank you

Once you are done filling your details send to our Agent

Name: Mark George
Email: recruit_riafinicial@outlook.com
Agent c/d: RI038DN90920NM

(Candidate from USA & Europe are allowed to apply for this offer)

Regards,
Thayer County
Head of Recruitment.
http://www.riafinancial.com/content/Default.aspx?cID=695&sID=234

Surveillance? I can do that. I mean, I've never tried before but it doesn't sound all that hard. Granted, I have no idea what they are actually hiring me for since they won't tell me that until after I tell them that I want the job but, thankfully, I want the job, so I guess we'll find out what they have to tell me. Maybe.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: recruit_riafinicial@outlook.com
Subject: Re: surveillance-employment

Dear Mr. Mark George, Super Agent (probably),

I can't tell you how thankful I am for your congratulations on me being selected for an assignment, especially one that is in my area. If you know my area (and I do!), you know that not a whole lot goes on around here, selections or otherwise, so to have you email me out of the blue with this good news, well, let's just say that my underwear needs changing right about now. (Technically, it needed changing before you sent me the email also but this sounds like a good excuse to cover up the fact that I have anal leakage.)

But perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself. I mean, I'm thrilled at being selected at or near my area and the promise of $400 (whatever that is), but you didn't really give me a whole lot to go on. I'm supposed to just jump on board and become an Agent but you don't tell me anything about the assignment or what I'll be doing. (Please tell me it involves guarding my house!?) Is there any timeline on when I will get my first assignment? I'm just wondering if I'm a regular agent with like a 9-5 or some kind of sleeper Agent, where some dude will walk up on the street and whisper some secret code and *BAM!* I turn into a ninja and kill some people.

Not that I know how to be a ninja; I assume your training materials will help me in that regard. I've got a big backyard (at my mom's house) where I can practice fighting trees with swords and killing ants. Do you give me a uniform or what's the deal? I'm just maybe supposed to buy some second hand shit? I realize I'm probably at the bottom of the super Agent tier right now but I figure it'd still be your responsibility to provide me with some sweet threads. Maybe a cape? I guess it all depends on the assignment I get.

I have filled out the required information below, so please consider this my "good response" and I am totally willing to get an assignment and start my "survilance."

* Your Name (first/last): Roger "R. Geezy" Garrison
* Your Physical Address: 762 Sutter St
* City, State, & Zip Code: San Francisco, CA 94109
* A g e: 30 going on 10! <-- LOL
* O c c u p a t i o n: Day Trader (but I work at night)
* Alternative E-mail: roger@4kb.com

Holla back at your boy (me!) as soon as you can because I am excited and eager to make my dent in the shadowy world of being an Agent in my area. I've seen my area and it is definitely shadowy, especially at night.

Feeling Super Agent-y,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

As any potential employment candidate knows, waiting is always the hardest part. Did I get the job? Am I qualified? Was trying to french kiss the dude from HR going a little too far? Thankfully, I didn't have to wait very long before I got a reply back, appropriately titled "confirmation letter" so I guess I did something right.

From: "Ria Finicial" [recruit_riafinicial@outlook.com]
To: "roger@4kb.com" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: confirmation letter

Hello Roger "R. Geezy" Garrison,

Good Day, my name is Mark George, Am in charge of employment and Office Protocol. Ria Financial Services was founded in 1987 and it is today the third largest money transfer company in the world, with a global agent network of 170,000 locations in 130 countries on 6 continents. In addition to money transfer services, Ria offers Bill Payment, Mobile Top Ups, PrePaid Debit Cards, Check Cashing and Money Orders. Ria’s mission is to be the most progressive money transfer company in the world, offering service excellence and the most competitive and reliable remittance payment services to its customers. Ria is also committed to best-in-class business relationships with its global agent and correspondent network, based on the principles of mutual respect, fairness and generally accepted business practices. Ria Financial Services is a wholly owned subsidiary of Euronet Worldwide, Inc. (NASDAQ: EEFT)

NEED FOR EMPLOYMENT: We are short of staff, And now with the Global industrialization we do not open office any where with in the UNITED STATE, we work with BANKS to carry out our Transactions and as productivity increases every Day we tend to need more hands.

FOCUS OF AGENT: We want you to be our AGENT, no matter your occupation or where you live or what you do. as its a part time job offer ( we can still retain you base on your performance).

JOB S SPECIFICATION: Locate a Money transfer Outlet near you to conduct the survey by "patronizing their services". You are to appear as a potential customer sending a Money transfer . You will Make a transfer for the sole purpose of this survey. Observe how long it took you to get served and Customer Service professionalism during the transfer process. Under no circumstances should the Money transfer Agent know this survey is being carried out on them. (Funds for the survey will be provided to you)

JOB DESCRIPTION: 1} When an assignment is given to you, you would be provided details to execute the assignment and in a timely fashion. 2} You would be asked to visit a Bank in your area to transact a Transfer and they are mostly our competitors E.g ( western union money transfer, money gram etc). as an Agent of RIA you are required to survey and give a full report of all that transpired in the process of transaction.

RECONFIRM YOUR IDENTITY:
* Your Name (first/last):
* Your Physical Address:
* City, State, & Zip Code:
* A g e:
* O c c u p a t i o n:
* Mobile Number :
* Next of kin:

Once done send back to me Again.

Sincerely,
Mark George
Best Regards

So, a worldwide financial organization wants me to go into money transfer locations in my area, do transfers with funds they provide me, and watch how efficiently other people do their jobs? Check. As a spam pro, I realize this is the same old "fake money order" scam, just worded differently but props to them for making it sound plausible. (It's still stupid, though.)

Having been confirmed as an AGENT, I'm ready to jump in with both feet. Which, I guess, means sending them my information again.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "Ria Finicial" [recruit_riafinicial@outlook.com]
Subject: Re: confirmation letter

Hello Mark "Mark George" George,

Before jumping into my reply, I just wanted to apologize for the delay in sending this back. As you probably knew, it was Thanksgiving, so I wasn't around the computer very much. What you probably didn't know was that I spent most of that holiday in jail for stabbing this homeless dude because we all get a little crazy around the holidays, am I right? I made bail, thankfully, but it wasn't before I had to let some strange men do very degrading things to my body. But that's cool, you know? It's all a part of living life. Making you stronger and all that.

Anyway, long story short, I'm more excited to work with you because now I need money more than ever.

Thank you so much for all the background on you and your company. (Not sure if I'm employed yet, so I didn't want to say "our company" but I kind of feel like we're already partners so it's totally cool.) It sounds like you guys have your hands in a whole ton of shit that I don't understand, so hopefully that won't be a hurdle for you to start paying me. Fun fact, though: I'm also listed on the NASDAQ. Not on the actual exchange like you guys but my name is on the exchange walls, near the security office. They've been instructed to shoot me on site if I ever tried to step inside there again. Kind of harsh treatment, if you ask me. I mean, it's not like I'm the first guy to ever run in there naked and start tasering people for fun, right? Anyway, Euronet Worldwide, Inc sounds like a completely trustworthy company and in no way anything that someone made up to sound more official.

I'm not going to lie, based on your original email, when you were talking agents, I was totally thinking about secret agent stuff where I would have to use all kinds of cool karate moves and gadgets to kill foreign diplomats but now you're just kind of talking about being an agent of the company and I'd be doing some boring financial stuff, but that's also all good, I guess. Just in a more "not very exciting/verging on being a pussy" way. But money is money, am I right? I can make you money, which in turn allows you to give me more money and they we both get rich and laugh at the poor people from our yacht. (Do you have a yacht?)

I've read your "JOB S SPECIFICATION" section quite a few times and I just wanted to be absolutely clear about what you were trying to say there. Based on what I took from that section, the entire job consists of going into money transfer places like Western Union, wiring money, and then watching them perform their job. That sounds... horrible-ly GREAT! I mean, I am so good at going into places. I'm also especially good at watching people. So I think I could be the perfect candidate for this job. Admittedly, I will need to work on my "reporting back to you what I saw" skills because, growing up in the projects, I learned that "snitches get stitches" so I don't speak to anyone about anything but maybe if you're greasing my palm with some serious cash, we can turn this boat around.

I think I'm ready to jump into this. If you're ready to catch me. Don't let go for a bit. Make it a long, awkward hug. I have provided my contact information again below, per your request.

* Your Name (first/last): Roger "R. Geezy" Garrison
* Your Physical Address: 762 Sutter St
* City, State, & Zip Code: San Francisco, CA 94109
* A g e: barely legal
* O c c u p a t i o n: Convincing you that I'm a real person
* Next of kin: (wtf man?) Anyway, holla at my mom, Betty Garrison

Please let me know what else needs to be done on my end before I can be your agent and we can get some SERIOUS CASH rolling in.

Putting the "ecia" in special,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

^^ - Soon to be Agent Roger Garrison!

Now that I'm a confirmed AGENT, I can only imagine that the my bank account will start to grow exponentially with all of the money that I'm making. Up until now, RIA Financial seems to have no problem emailing me back, regardless of what nonsense I send them, so I have my fingers crossed that this adventure will be continued with more email in a second installment. But I'm trying not to get my hopes up. The thing with these money order scams is that they actually have to send you the money orders at some point, or you can't work. Since they don't have my real address, some asshole in San Francisco is going to be getting all my cash and probably spending it on stupid shit like bananas. Fuck that guy.

If there is more to come, I will post a continuation in #11.5.