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There isn't much that could be said right now about spam email that has not already been brought up in the past. Most people hate it, a few people fall for it, and only one person exists who is retarded enough to try and carry on a conversation with the people who perpetrate it. That man just so happens to be my alter ego, Roger Garrison. Some consider him to be crazy; I consider him to be my personal internet hero, mostly because I lack the part of my brain that is responsible for key things like "judgment" and "the ability to not idolize people that you yourself made up."

Chances are high that you have probably read at least one update in the Spamtastic Adventures series but what you may not realize is that for every email adventure that gets posted, there exists three or more where things didn't go as planned. For the most part, I'm simply too over-the-top and the spammer sees right through my ruse. Of course, anyone who ever graduated from the third grade could probably also see through my ruse but that just proves that not all spammers were created equal.

While putting in work on a new Spamtastic Adventures update, I stumbled across a cache of emails that just failed to generate any replies and thought that it would be a shame if they went to waste. Also, I'm feeling extremely lazy this week and the idea of posting stuff that I already wrote sounds fantastic. So, until we meet with Roger again, enjoy these one-hit wonders that never went anywhere.

From: "Billy Figueroa" [smtp4@fundsupermart.com]
To: roger@4kb.com
Subject: Available work for new year. Reg.ID: D7G761

To Your Attention,

Dating Service announces new job openings in 2009:

Part time employment is now available in our company for USA people.

Feel free to request an application by e-mailing us only at:
Dating.Srvc@gmail.com

Best Regards,
Dating Service

Now while I have no idea what a job opportunity with a dating service would actually entail, it seems a lot better than the other jobs that I was being spammed with, namely moving funds around for furniture and oil companies. Of course, had I actually gotten a reply, this probably would have wound up being something along the same lines. Spammers aren't very inventive.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: Dating.Srvc@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Available work for new year. Reg.ID: D7G761

Hello Dating Service!

My name is Roger Garrison and I'm really starting to feel like this may just be my lucky day. I haven't had much good fortune to speak of lately and just when I was about to give up hope, you have come along with this great offer.

You see, my troubles all started a few months back, when I was working on the set of "The Cliff Diver Hits Rock Bottom." It's an uplifting romantic comedy about some guy who dies. No, I wasn't starring in it or anything. I was brought on part-time as a fluffer for the various forms of wildlife on the set. It's a dirty job but, hey, it paid the bills.

Until I met her.

Her name was Alicia Matthews and I was smitten from the first time I laid eyes on her. She had that kind of Ann Coulter look to her. Yeah, she's doable but you just want to punch her in the mouth every time she talks. Anyway, she's got some major clout with the director and after I refused to share any of my milk with her, she got me fired.

Now I have no job and no girlfriend.

Da-Da-Da-Daah! Dating Service to the rescue!

(Pretend that there is some kind of theme music playing.)

Not only are you offering the potential for part-time employment but you are also a dating service. Maybe if I get hired, you know, I can get some kind of first dibs on the goods. Preferably before they get paired up with anyone else. I'm not good at competition.

Whatever. It sounds like we'd be perfect for one another and I am the most USA person that I know. I've got the flag tattooed on one cheek and a Ford truck on the other. The only thing I am missing is apple pie, so if that's a prerequisite for employment, please let me know. I got some contacts in the industry.

Please get back to me as soon as you can and pass along what I need to do to get this application process rolling forward. I'm out of work right now and I'm not particularly excited about another night of eating marshmallows and maple syrup.

Patiently Waiting,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

I never did receive a reply, which is a shame. Perhaps Roger simply isn't dating service material. More like escort service material, which would explain the hookers. Oh well, on to the next schmuck.

From: YAHOO & MICROSOFT WINDOWS [info@msn.com]
To: roger@4kb.com
Subject: Ref:-L/200-26937 Batch:12/25/0340

YAHOO & MICROSOFT WINDOWS.

Its been notified by our organization that you just won a Donation sum of 500,000GBP (Five Hundred thousand GBP). You are advised to contact immediately the claims agent with the information below once you receive this mail for further instructions on how you are claim your donation prize. Please also quote your Refrence and batch numbers to our claims for security reasons.Refrence numbers (Ref:-L/200-26937 Batch:12/25/0340) quote in all discussions.

Contact information below:
Amaranth Wilson (MSW officer).
Email: msn_departmen124@live.co.uk

Regards,
James Cole
Executive Secretary/Co-ordinator.

Sounds wonderful! I sit here wondering what I will have to do in order to claim my prize. Sadly, after not receiving a reply to the email below, I suppose I will never know.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: msn_departmen124@live.co.uk
Subject: Re: Ref:-L/200-26937 Batch:12/25/0340

To my dearest friends, YAHOO & MICROSOFT WINDOWS.,

My name is Roger Garrison and I am pleased to have been the super special recipient of your email.

Thank you so much for taking the time to contact me and inform me of the fact that I am now a whole lot richer than you are. I will have to admit that I am sitting here quietly admiring your morals because honestly, if I was in charge of handing out 500,000GBP to people on the internet, those internet people would probably only ever see 100,000GBP of it because I would have stolen the rest and hidden it in some off-shore account. Sometimes I wonder why they call them off-shore accounts. I highly doubt that the bank is actually situated on the beach. Maybe it should be called something like an off-Main Street account, assuming that the bank was located in close proximity to the actual Main Street. I don't even know if island nations have streets. They are so very poor.

Do you know who isn't poor? Me, thanks to you.

I have read your below letter and taken your advisement to contact the claims agent immediately. While I do apologize for not actually contacting you immediately -- I realize that it has taken me some days to craft this response -- I have nonetheless officially contacted you, the claims agent based upon your advisement of me to do so. Also, since I am super rich now, I can pretty much pay to have things changed that don't suit me so the first thing that I plan on doing is writing a very expensive letter to Merriam-Webster and telling them to redefine "immediately" to mean "up to and including a two week period while Roger Garrison finishes planting his garden. Naked."

Quoting this: Ref:-L/200-26937 Batch:12/25/0340 because you told me to.

Anyway, please let me know what needs to be done so that we can start the process of you giving me all of the money that I am so entitled to. Now that I am rich, living each and every moment without my money (and thus poor) is excruciating. Much like sex with a fat chick, the quicker that we can get this over with, the better.

Please quote my own set of reference and batch numbers in your reply so that I can file these official documents away in the most proper of places.

Reference: RG-Iz-J3sus
Batch: We/d0/69

Thank you and I look forward to hearing back from you concerning my winnings.

Cordially,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

So, we've seen 419 scams, job offers, and promises of lottery winnings. Have you ever seen a case where a spammer emails you looking to purchase something? That sounds awfully backwards.

From: Ben Brown [ben.brown852@gmail.com]
To: roger@4kb.com
Subject: Order Request

*HELLO,

I AM BEN BROWN AND I WILL LIKE TO KNOW IF YOU CARRY DUMPSTER TRANSPORT FOR SALE.AND IF YES,REPLY ME BACK WITH YOUR WEBSITE SO THAT I CAN SELECT THE ONE THAT I WILL LIKE TO ORDER,ALSO I AM SHIPPING THE DUMPSTER TRANSPORT TO ONE OF MY COMPANY IN SWEDEN AND I WILL RECOMMEND A FREIGHT COMPANY FOR THE PICKED UP..THANK YOU AND HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON..

BEST REGARD
BEN BROWN
*

The asterisk was an unexpected touch. I should start doing that with all of my emails.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "Ben Brown" [ben.brown852@gmail.com]
Subject: Re: Order Request

Hello BEN BROWN,

My name is Roger Garrison! I apologize firstly for not having my name in all capital letters like you do. I am just a struggling business man and can not yet afford the kind of machines that type in capitals. Soon, maybe and hopefully with your help.

I see from the message that you sent me below that you are in need some kind of dumpster transport. I am so tempted to make a "yo momma" joke here because she totally fits the profile of dumpster transport but since I am an upstanding business gentleman (whatever that is), I will refrain from doing so. I wouldn't want something as little as my penis getting into the way of our new business partnership.

So, let me stop beating around the bush. Hell yeah I got some dumpster transports. I got so many dumpster transports that I don't even know what to do with them. I tried to give them away to some friends of mine but they're all like, "no, man, I don't do dumpster transports" and they totally emphasized the "do" like a surfer and/or guy in a Mountain Dew commercial. Did I mention that all of my friends are faggots?

Anyway, whatever. Screw them. It's just you and me Ben. You, me, and some dumpster transports that may or may not go to Sweden. Honestly, I don't even care. I would just like to get rid of these things.

Holla back at me and let me know what we can do with these dumpster transports that you need so badly.

Peace, love, & hair grease, homie,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

In hindsight, I think BEN BROWN was trying to spam his shipping company instead of actually wanting to purchase the dumpster transports but if that was the case, he had a very odd way of approaching the idea because, honestly, who the fuck has dumpster transports? Not me. I just checked.

Which brings us to the end of the first edition of the "Greatest Misses" collection of my Spamtastic Adventures. There is invariably more to follow since spammers never stop spamming and I never stop taking stupid pills and then replying to said spam. It's fun in the same way that experimenting sexually with your cousin was fun. That is to say, if you're sick enough to consider that fun, you might be as messed up as I am but at least I am not breaking the laws of nature, just the laws of socially acceptable behavior. You should check out my ad on Craigslist. Maybe we could meet up or something. I'll be wearing my "I Love Mariah Carey" t-shirt.

I'm not really sure if this idea actually works or not since I realize that most of the "magic" that comes with the spamtastic series is because I'm going back and forth with the same spammer.

None of these garnered any replies. Maybe there was a reason for that.

Maybe the world just isn't ready.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj-x9ygQEGA

Total Eclipse of the Heart: Literal Video Version

I agree that most literal video translations suck. I also agree that Total Eclipse Of The Heart sucks.

This video is none of that.