September 3rd, 2010. Tomorrow. That was the date that he said the offer would expire. It seemed like it was so far away at the time. It seemed as though I would have forever to make a decision but now, I realize that time is running short and I better get my act in gear. But I suppose that I am getting ahead of myself. Before you, as the reader, are able to understand the significance of the date and the urgency that its approach brings, I guess I need to spend some of that precious time retelling how this all came to be. What is twenty minutes in the grand scheme of life, anyway?
The year was 1986. I was seven years old and I found myself off on yet another hiking adventure in the woods behind my house. I was following the same old trail that I always follow when I stumbled upon something shiny laying in the weeds next to the path. It was a tarnished copper lamp with a note attached to it. Not that I knew what copper was back then but I did know what a note was and that knowledge coupled with my ability to read notes produced the following:
"Stick something inside and receive a prize."
I was immediately excited because I greatly enjoyed prizes and while I suppose I should have exercised some caution after finding such a treasure abandoned, this was the 1980's and the world had not yet grasped the concept of teaching children not to do things that might harm them. I quickly searched my pockets for anything that I would be able to stick inside and, finding nothing, came to the decision to use the only thing a seven year old boy with empty pockets has at his disposal: my penis. Yes, I stuck my little tiny micro penis into the lamp and hoped for the best.
What I got instead was a loud "GROSS!" followed by three minutes of coughing and spitting sounds emanating from the lamp. Not knowing what else to do, I dropped the lamp and hid behind a tree. After a short while, a cloud of blue smoke started pouring out of the lamp and before I knew it, it had formed into the shape of a man. A man with no shirt and a funny little hat. I wasn't quite sure what to make of the whole thing, largely because Disney's Aladdin had yet to be made, so I crept out from my hiding spot to get a better look.
The eyes of the blue figure immediately locked on to my movements and his voice boomed out, "Are you the one with the penis?"
I took a couple steps closed and nodded, unsure of what exactly to say.
The blue figure continued, "Jesus Christ kid, don't go around sticking your penis into random objects. I know that the note was vague about what you should drop inside the lamp but, fuck, I was hoping for some money or something. Not a penis. Pretty much anything but a penis." There was a lot of grumbling and muttering at this point, mostly him berating himself for making such a vague note and having to get the taste of boy penis out of his mouth but eventually he spoke up again to where I could hear him. "Sorry, I didn't mean to take that out on you. It's just kind of a shock, is all. My name is Ralph and I am a genie. The idea behind my shtick is that you put something in the lamp and I grant you three wishes. But you, you put your penis in there, so I am only going to grant you one wish."
Now, there are many things that you would have to tell a seven year old boy many times before he gets it but wishes and wish granting isn't one of them. Immediately, I was excited.
The genie continued, "You can wish for anything you want but there are some basic rules. You can't wish for more wishes. That's like standard genie code 101. It's not going to happen. You only get one and that's it. No do-overs. Second, your wish cannot change history. You can't wish for George Washington to come back from the dead and so on. Third, you can't transfer your wish to someone else. You got it; you're stuck with it. Lastly, your wish is going to expire 24 years from today. Yeah, it's an odd number but I don't make up the rules. Once you have decided what you want, come back and tell me and it shall be yours."
With that, he disappeared back into the lamp and life was back to normal. Well, as normal as life could be after you encounter a half-naked blue man who talks. Ever since then, I have struggled with the internal dilemma of what to wish for. You only have one and you better make it count. But time is running short and now, on the eve of the 24th year, I have some heavy decision making to do. What on Earth could I possibly wish for? Man, I don't know. This is some seriously heavy shit. Unfortunately, it's also a pretty long walk back to the genie but I hope that by the time I get there, I will have some idea of what my wish should be.
You would think this would be easy. Name something that you really want and just wish for it. Done. But then you start second-guessing what you really want and it becomes all complicated. For example, sometimes I really wish I was in a mariachi band. Maybe not the leader but, you know, featured in a prominent role. But I also wish that if I was in that band, I wouldn't have to be put in a situation where I needed to spell mariachi. So, like, I couldn't put it on my resume or anything like that, which makes the whole endeavor a big waste of time. It's not that I don't know how to spell it but rather that I just don't like spelling the word. I guess I could just wish for the word to be spelled differently. That might help. Or I suppose I could just wish for me to never be asked to spell the word every again but that idea seems kind of lame and I am already well beyond my one wish. I think I should move on.
I wish Prius drivers didn't piss me off so much. I mean, I guess it's not entirely their fault but rather that I have a lot of time to think about how much I hate them when I am stuck behind one doing 15 miles under the speed limit. I'm totally with you on the saving the environment thing but I swear to God, if you make me late for my meeting, I am going to chop down like fifteen trees and burn a shitload of Tupperware. Besides, if you really gave a shit about your carbon footprint, you would already live within walking distance between your Trader Joe's and yoga class, so you wouldn't need to drive a car anyway. But maybe that is too complicated of a wish. Like, I wonder if I will get time to explain my wish in great detail or whether the genie is just going to be stern with one sentence wish description limit. I suppose I should probably play it safe and scrap this one.
OK, so, how about this: I wish my shadow wasn't so fat. I mean, I realize that it is an accurate representation of my body type based upon the position of the sun but it doesn't have to so "in your face" about it. Perhaps it could take some of the free time it has while the moon is out and hit the gym or something. But maybe that's a little too unrealistic. I guess it'd look pretty awkward if my shadow was all fit and toned while the actual me was, well, not. Come to think of it, perhaps I have been entirely too self-centered with my wish. This doesn't have to be all about me, though I wish it was.
I mean, think of all the good I could do for the world with one minor miracle. Think of how many lives could be changed with me uttering a single phrase? As a prime example, I could always wish that 9/11 never happened. Wait, the genie said that I couldn't change history. OK. What about if I wished that 9/11 happened on 8/32 instead? Sure, people still would have been killed and all the war and ensuing chaos would have still happened but at least the anniversary wouldn't fall on anyone's birthday. Think of all the happiness I could bring to people who were born on 9/11 now that their birthday is no longer associated with a bunch of people dying? That's something, if I say so myself.
Let's see, what other hot button issues could I tackle? Immigration, that's a big deal. I don't really have any issues with Mexican people so it's not like I would wish them all back across the border but maybe instead I could wish that people would stop calling them "illegal aliens" and instead save that term for actual illegal aliens. You know, the kind of aliens who fly in from outer space and are maybe into bootlegging and other bad activities. That would be pretty cool and if that were the case, I think public perception would change greatly. People would go out of their way to collect illegal aliens as opposed to shipping them off somewhere else. They would be sought after like Garbage Pail Kids or baseball cards. Youngsters would brag around the playground about how their dad has multiple illegal aliens and the other kids would call bullshit because everyone knows that Tommy's family is poor and there is no way he could afford more than one. Well, assuming one was affordable, of course. I don't really know how the market for this kind of thing would play out. I wish I was more financially savvy.
Damn, too much hypothetical and not enough real. Asking for something is serious business and I need to figure out what's what pretty damn soon. I wish I could fix the country but I don't think my one wish limit is going to be able to tackle that problem. Maybe I should just focus on some of the larger issues that plague us. I guess I could wish that Barack Obama really was a secret Muslim socialist Nazi with terrorist ties who wanted to bring about the downfall of America. Not really so much because I believe that or want it to be accurate but more that I think it would be neat for the people on Fox News to be right about something for once. It seems like they have so many people on their staff trying so hard to come up with so much information and for it all to be factually incorrect is just kind of heart-breaking. Everyone deserves to be right once in their lives. Would that be considered changing history again? I feel like I am skirting the line here with what I can and cannot do. Time to move back into safer territory.
I wish unicorns weren't so gay. I don't mean that I wish the unicorn itself wasn't gay because I fully support gay unicorns and their right to choose but what I meant was that I wish the stigma surrounding unicorns wasn't so gay. I want to be a manly man who is into super manly stuff but still enjoy unicorns and not be mocked by society at large. Honestly, I don't get why unicorns AREN'T manly. Animals are manly. Animals with horns are manly. But unicorns are for sissies. What gives? How cool would it be if your hometown football team was The Unicorns and everyone had "unicorn power" for the entire season? "Go 'Corns!" they would shout. And it would be OK because unicorns would be the stuff of manly legends. People who drive big trucks would stencil unicorns on their back windows because that is how manly they would be. (Ford drivers would still have pictures of Calvin but instead of peeing on the Chevy logo, he would be pissing on a unicorn because it would symbolize two very manly things.) I really wish I could have a unicorn as my power animal. Fuck the haters.
Unfortunately, it seems that even with all the thinking, I'm back at square one when it comes to deciding what to wish for. Having the power to change even the smallest thing without effort is a daunting cloud to have hanging over your shoulders. Lesser men, I presume, would have been driven mad. Yet, the deadline looms and time continues to tick away. I don't think any of the ideas that I have been mulling over recently are viable, mostly because I don't think I am capable of producing viable thought. I wish that I could give this wish to someone else. Perhaps they, as being better than I, would have more success. But that would be breaking the rules. Honestly, I think there is only one clear wish to be made. A decision that will finally bring to a close 24 years of mental wish-thinking anguish.
I wish I had never stuck my penis in that lamp.
The year was 1986. I was seven years old and I found myself off on yet another hiking adventure in the woods behind my house. I was following the same old trail that I always follow when I stumbled upon something shiny laying in the weeds next to the path. It was a tarnished copper lamp with a note attached to it. Not that I knew what copper was back then but I did know what a note was and that knowledge coupled with my ability to read notes produced the following:
"Stick something inside and receive a prize."
I was immediately excited because I greatly enjoyed prizes and while I suppose I should have exercised some caution after finding such a treasure abandoned, this was the 1980's and the world had not yet grasped the concept of teaching children not to do things that might harm them. I quickly searched my pockets for anything that I would be able to stick inside and, finding nothing, came to the decision to use the only thing a seven year old boy with empty pockets has at his disposal: my penis. Yes, I stuck my little tiny micro penis into the lamp and hoped for the best.
What I got instead was a loud "GROSS!" followed by three minutes of coughing and spitting sounds emanating from the lamp. Not knowing what else to do, I dropped the lamp and hid behind a tree. After a short while, a cloud of blue smoke started pouring out of the lamp and before I knew it, it had formed into the shape of a man. A man with no shirt and a funny little hat. I wasn't quite sure what to make of the whole thing, largely because Disney's Aladdin had yet to be made, so I crept out from my hiding spot to get a better look.
The eyes of the blue figure immediately locked on to my movements and his voice boomed out, "Are you the one with the penis?"
I took a couple steps closed and nodded, unsure of what exactly to say.
The blue figure continued, "Jesus Christ kid, don't go around sticking your penis into random objects. I know that the note was vague about what you should drop inside the lamp but, fuck, I was hoping for some money or something. Not a penis. Pretty much anything but a penis." There was a lot of grumbling and muttering at this point, mostly him berating himself for making such a vague note and having to get the taste of boy penis out of his mouth but eventually he spoke up again to where I could hear him. "Sorry, I didn't mean to take that out on you. It's just kind of a shock, is all. My name is Ralph and I am a genie. The idea behind my shtick is that you put something in the lamp and I grant you three wishes. But you, you put your penis in there, so I am only going to grant you one wish."
Now, there are many things that you would have to tell a seven year old boy many times before he gets it but wishes and wish granting isn't one of them. Immediately, I was excited.
The genie continued, "You can wish for anything you want but there are some basic rules. You can't wish for more wishes. That's like standard genie code 101. It's not going to happen. You only get one and that's it. No do-overs. Second, your wish cannot change history. You can't wish for George Washington to come back from the dead and so on. Third, you can't transfer your wish to someone else. You got it; you're stuck with it. Lastly, your wish is going to expire 24 years from today. Yeah, it's an odd number but I don't make up the rules. Once you have decided what you want, come back and tell me and it shall be yours."
With that, he disappeared back into the lamp and life was back to normal. Well, as normal as life could be after you encounter a half-naked blue man who talks. Ever since then, I have struggled with the internal dilemma of what to wish for. You only have one and you better make it count. But time is running short and now, on the eve of the 24th year, I have some heavy decision making to do. What on Earth could I possibly wish for? Man, I don't know. This is some seriously heavy shit. Unfortunately, it's also a pretty long walk back to the genie but I hope that by the time I get there, I will have some idea of what my wish should be.
You would think this would be easy. Name something that you really want and just wish for it. Done. But then you start second-guessing what you really want and it becomes all complicated. For example, sometimes I really wish I was in a mariachi band. Maybe not the leader but, you know, featured in a prominent role. But I also wish that if I was in that band, I wouldn't have to be put in a situation where I needed to spell mariachi. So, like, I couldn't put it on my resume or anything like that, which makes the whole endeavor a big waste of time. It's not that I don't know how to spell it but rather that I just don't like spelling the word. I guess I could just wish for the word to be spelled differently. That might help. Or I suppose I could just wish for me to never be asked to spell the word every again but that idea seems kind of lame and I am already well beyond my one wish. I think I should move on.
I wish Prius drivers didn't piss me off so much. I mean, I guess it's not entirely their fault but rather that I have a lot of time to think about how much I hate them when I am stuck behind one doing 15 miles under the speed limit. I'm totally with you on the saving the environment thing but I swear to God, if you make me late for my meeting, I am going to chop down like fifteen trees and burn a shitload of Tupperware. Besides, if you really gave a shit about your carbon footprint, you would already live within walking distance between your Trader Joe's and yoga class, so you wouldn't need to drive a car anyway. But maybe that is too complicated of a wish. Like, I wonder if I will get time to explain my wish in great detail or whether the genie is just going to be stern with one sentence wish description limit. I suppose I should probably play it safe and scrap this one.
OK, so, how about this: I wish my shadow wasn't so fat. I mean, I realize that it is an accurate representation of my body type based upon the position of the sun but it doesn't have to so "in your face" about it. Perhaps it could take some of the free time it has while the moon is out and hit the gym or something. But maybe that's a little too unrealistic. I guess it'd look pretty awkward if my shadow was all fit and toned while the actual me was, well, not. Come to think of it, perhaps I have been entirely too self-centered with my wish. This doesn't have to be all about me, though I wish it was.
I mean, think of all the good I could do for the world with one minor miracle. Think of how many lives could be changed with me uttering a single phrase? As a prime example, I could always wish that 9/11 never happened. Wait, the genie said that I couldn't change history. OK. What about if I wished that 9/11 happened on 8/32 instead? Sure, people still would have been killed and all the war and ensuing chaos would have still happened but at least the anniversary wouldn't fall on anyone's birthday. Think of all the happiness I could bring to people who were born on 9/11 now that their birthday is no longer associated with a bunch of people dying? That's something, if I say so myself.
Let's see, what other hot button issues could I tackle? Immigration, that's a big deal. I don't really have any issues with Mexican people so it's not like I would wish them all back across the border but maybe instead I could wish that people would stop calling them "illegal aliens" and instead save that term for actual illegal aliens. You know, the kind of aliens who fly in from outer space and are maybe into bootlegging and other bad activities. That would be pretty cool and if that were the case, I think public perception would change greatly. People would go out of their way to collect illegal aliens as opposed to shipping them off somewhere else. They would be sought after like Garbage Pail Kids or baseball cards. Youngsters would brag around the playground about how their dad has multiple illegal aliens and the other kids would call bullshit because everyone knows that Tommy's family is poor and there is no way he could afford more than one. Well, assuming one was affordable, of course. I don't really know how the market for this kind of thing would play out. I wish I was more financially savvy.
Damn, too much hypothetical and not enough real. Asking for something is serious business and I need to figure out what's what pretty damn soon. I wish I could fix the country but I don't think my one wish limit is going to be able to tackle that problem. Maybe I should just focus on some of the larger issues that plague us. I guess I could wish that Barack Obama really was a secret Muslim socialist Nazi with terrorist ties who wanted to bring about the downfall of America. Not really so much because I believe that or want it to be accurate but more that I think it would be neat for the people on Fox News to be right about something for once. It seems like they have so many people on their staff trying so hard to come up with so much information and for it all to be factually incorrect is just kind of heart-breaking. Everyone deserves to be right once in their lives. Would that be considered changing history again? I feel like I am skirting the line here with what I can and cannot do. Time to move back into safer territory.
I wish unicorns weren't so gay. I don't mean that I wish the unicorn itself wasn't gay because I fully support gay unicorns and their right to choose but what I meant was that I wish the stigma surrounding unicorns wasn't so gay. I want to be a manly man who is into super manly stuff but still enjoy unicorns and not be mocked by society at large. Honestly, I don't get why unicorns AREN'T manly. Animals are manly. Animals with horns are manly. But unicorns are for sissies. What gives? How cool would it be if your hometown football team was The Unicorns and everyone had "unicorn power" for the entire season? "Go 'Corns!" they would shout. And it would be OK because unicorns would be the stuff of manly legends. People who drive big trucks would stencil unicorns on their back windows because that is how manly they would be. (Ford drivers would still have pictures of Calvin but instead of peeing on the Chevy logo, he would be pissing on a unicorn because it would symbolize two very manly things.) I really wish I could have a unicorn as my power animal. Fuck the haters.
Unfortunately, it seems that even with all the thinking, I'm back at square one when it comes to deciding what to wish for. Having the power to change even the smallest thing without effort is a daunting cloud to have hanging over your shoulders. Lesser men, I presume, would have been driven mad. Yet, the deadline looms and time continues to tick away. I don't think any of the ideas that I have been mulling over recently are viable, mostly because I don't think I am capable of producing viable thought. I wish that I could give this wish to someone else. Perhaps they, as being better than I, would have more success. But that would be breaking the rules. Honestly, I think there is only one clear wish to be made. A decision that will finally bring to a close 24 years of mental wish-thinking anguish.
I wish I had never stuck my penis in that lamp.