Up until this point, the spamtastic series has mostly dealt with shady offers of employment, the kind where you process fake money orders (that you think are real) and send the money to foreign countries. While this isn't the only scam on the market, it's one of the most common, the other being the good old 419 Nigeria scam.

419 scams are pretty scarce these days since almost everyone is aware of what they are and spam filters are set to specifically block them from ever being delivered. That said, it's always the rare, joyous occasion when one slips through the cracks and lands on Roger Garrison's desk. It's like the Christmas of spam. So, in the event that you haven't been able to guess, this installment is all about Roger's dealing with a Nigerian man and the promise of free money. Let's get to it.

Things started out pleasantly enough with me being informed that the UNITED NATIONS has decided to send money to everyone who has ever been scammed on the internet. Well, I once bought a broken clock off eBay so I guess I qualify.

From: "Mr. Jim Ovia of ZENITH BANK NIGERIA PLC," [un@sg.org]
Subject: ZENITH BANK NIGERIA PLC,

Attention: Your Compensation.

How are you today? Hope all is well with you and your family? You may not understand why these email got to you.We have been having a meeting forthe passed seven months which ended two days ago with the secretary to the UNITED NATIONS. This email is to all the people that has been scammed in any part of the world, the UNITED NATION has agreed to compensate them with the sum of US$ 500,000.00.This includes every foriegn contractors that did not received their contract sum, and people that had an unfinished transaction or international business that failed due to Government probelms etc.We found your name on our list and that is why we are contacting you,These has been agreed upon and has been Approved.

You are advised to contact Mr. Jim Ovia of ZENITH BANK NIGERIA PLC, As he is our representative in africa, contact him immediately for your Cheque International Bank Draft of USD$ 500,000.00.This funds are in a Bank Draft for security purpose. so he will send it to you and you can clear it in any bank of your choice.

Therefore,you should send him your full Name and telephone number/your correct mailing address where you want him to send the Draft and your occuaption to.Contact Mr. Jim Ovia immediately for you Cheque:E-MAIL.

Thanks and God bless you and your family.

contact: Mr. Jim Ovia.
E-MAIL Address:mrjjimovia.zzenithbankz@gmail.com
Phone Number: +2348099826046

Hoping to hear from you as soon as you cash your Bank Draft.

United Nations Making The World A Better Place.

Regards,
Mr. Ban Ki-MoonSecretary (UNITED NATIONS)

Since I am a very important business person where I live, I've come across many importantly official documents in my time. None have seemed more official than the email above. I'd be an absolute fool not to contact Mr. Jim Ovia right away.

From: Roger Garrison [roger@4kb.com]
To: mrjjimovia.zzenithbankz@gmail.com
Subject: Re: ZENITH BANK NIGERIA PLC,

Dear Mr. Jim Ovia of ZENITH BANK NIGERIA PLC,

My Compensation: Attention.

My name is Roger Garrison and I have been advised to contact you by Mr. Ban Ki-Moon (Secretary (UNITED NATIONS)) concerning some amounts of money that may be owed to me by the UNITED NATIONS.

I am extremely grateful that you are taking time out of what I can only imagine to be an extremely busy schedule of doing whatever it is that people in Africa do. I've watched a few shows about it on the National Geographic channel but I have a rare blood disorder that prevents me from paying attention so I didn't really glean much from the experience.

Please also pass along my thanks to the fine folks at the UNITED NATIONS who helped approve whatever it is that they call stuff that they approve. I work with many charitable organizations here in America and any compensation that I receive will certainly go to good use. We sponsor many activities here such as teaching burn victims that cigarettes aren't all bad and helping children with contagious diseases get out and be more social with the public.

However, as much as I would like to jump in and get all "yaay, let's trade money" with you, my board of directors has required me to ask a few questions before we can proceed. If you would be so kind as to aid me with answering these, we can start moving forward.

1.) You mention the amount of USD$ 500,000.00. Is this a standard payment amount from the UNITED NATIONS or is it possible that I could be expecting less money?

2.) How much is USD$ 500,000.00 in Euros? (Our accountant is German.)

3.) You mentioned that this is repayment for people that have been scammed but this whole idea sounds too good to be true. Can you reassure me that I am not being scammed again?

Again, I wanted to express my appreciation for all of your hard work at the stuff that you normally do. I'm sure you're excellent at whatever it is.

I look forward to hearing back from you regarding the questions above and once I have some answers that I can pass along to my board of people who direct, we can get this money train moving along.

Keeping Hope on Life Support,
Roger Garrison
Founder
Garrison Charitable Industries, Inc.
roger@4kb.com

For those of you who have read the prior spamtastic entries, you no doubt know that Roger loves asking questions. Unfortunately for Roger, most of his questions are never answered. So, then, you can imagine my surprise when Mr. Jim Ovia replied back with not only more information but actual attempts to answer the questions asked. Granted, he did it with all of the grace of a retarded zebra but beggars can't be choosers.

From: Mr Ovia Jim [mrjjimovia.zzenithbankz@yahoo.com]
To: roger@4kb.com
Subject: reply as soon as possible....Mr Roger Garrison

FROM THE DESK OF THE MANAGER ZENITH BANK
OUR REF/ ZBNPLC/00784/09
MOBILE NUMBER:+234-7-264-828-64.

Dear :Mr Roger Garrison .

I received the information you sent,I am very happy that you ask all this question this is the answer to your qustion:

FIRST QUESTION: YOU MUCH UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS A STANDARD PAYMENT FOR THE PEOPLE THAT HAS BEEN SCAMMED AND MUCH NOT BEEN CHANGED. AM ASSURE YOU THAT YOU SHOULD BEEN EXPECTING THE HOLE MONEY BECAUSE THAT IS THE AMOUNT IN THE BANK DRAFT.

SECOND QUESTION:I CAN NOT SAY UNTIL YOU CALCULATE IT .IT IS A VERY HIRCH AMOUNT OF MONEY IN EURO.OK

THIRD QUESTOIN:HELLO MR ROGER GARRISON I AM REASSURE YOU THAT THIS IS NO ANY OTHER SCAMMED,BELIEVE AFTER THIS FUND YOU WILL BE VERY HAPPY FOR WHAT THE UNITED NATION AS DONE FOR YOU.
and your cheque is ready to be sent out, but i want to inform you what you need to know the three ways in which you can receive this your payment.

Our agreement with the United Nations is to pay over 220 people and what they wanted was for this whole 220 people to come down here to Nigeria and receive their payments themselves, then my bank thought of a better and faster solution which is to send your cheque through courier service or have it deposited into the beneficiary's bank account, only if the beneficiary's are ready to take care of the little fees.

Have in mind that it is not the intention of United Nations for you to pay fees, my bank just thought it would be easier to send your payment off instead of you flying all the way to Lagos - Nigeria to receive your payment, but if that is what you want fine, if not we will go to different courier service offices and contact with the Bank's Transfer Unit dept to know what each of them will cost you.

So let me know what you want.

Remain blessed,

MD, Zenith Bank,
Jim Ovia

It's always refreshing when you can get a scammer to send you something not pre-written because it's just that much more bizarre. I mean, the pre-written replies are still pretty shoddy but when you can force him to write something he's never written before, well, that's when he really shines.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: mrjjimovia.zzenithbankz@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: reply as soon as possible....Mr Roger Garrison

FROM THE DESK OF THE PERSON ROGER GARRISON
OUR REF/ ED HOCHULI
FAVORITE NUMBERS:+112, 75, and 50.

Hello again, Jim Ovia!

I'm so happy that you were able to find the time to write me back and answer my questions. Also, I hope that you don't mind that I copied the header of your previous email and used it on mine. Yours looked really professional and since we're just starting this new business relationship, I wanted us to both be on the same level. (I'm on world 3-1 but am having trouble getting past the boss character.)

Before we proceed, I wanted to spend some time reviewing the answers that you provided to my questions just to make sure that I understood everything correctly and to make sure that I have no other questions relating to your answers to the questions that I already asked. Please bear with me as this should only take a minute or so (but that really all depends on how fast you read).

1) What you're basically saying here is that I should expect no less than USD $500,000.00 because that is the amount of the bank draft and the bank draft has already been written and thus I shouldn't even bother asking about possibly getting less money because maybe I feel that USD $500,000.00 is too much for my needs but maybe I will take it anyway and spend it on shoes.

2) I realize that USD $500,000.00 is a lot in euros, even with the recent crop famine plaguing Norway. I don't know why you can't tell me what the amount is. If I was able to calculate it myself as you state, I wouldn't have needed to ask you the question since I would have already known the answer. Instead, I asked you to calculate it. If we're going to work as a team here, I need some kind of commitment from the other side.

I did a Google search for "us to euro conversion" and this link came up: http://www.xe.com/ucc/ - It may help you help me to answer my question. (Hint: the answer is 392,852.81 EUR.)

3) OK, so we've established that there could be no possible way that this is a scam because once I get my check, I am going to be so happy with the United Nations that I will likely lose control of my bowels and hug a giraffe. Check.

My apologies for the need to review the answers you provided but since we are dealing with a large sum of money here, my board of directors really wants to make sure that this thing goes very smoothly and 100% legally. (I'm not so much a stickler for the laws and whatnot but I am beholden to them because they're holding my dog hostage until I come up with the money.)

It sounds like I have two options to obtain the money. One, I could give in to the bank's demands and pay a small fee, after which they would then give me the money or I could fly to Nigeria and pick up the money in person. While I would imagine that most people would choose to pay the fee rather than try and travel internationally, I will admit that I am a little different since I have an irrational fear of bank fees. It all started when I was a little child and I watched my father get hit with fee after fee that he couldn't pay. Sure, these fees were NSF fees and he was bouncing checks but those are the kinds of details that they leave out of history books.

So, please, if you don't mind, let me ask you some more questions concerning the payment pickup:

1) If I were to fly to Lagos, Nigeria (which I hear is lovely this time of year), what would be the process involved? Do I just show up at the bank in person and say "here I am!" or do I need to get in contact with someone local to help me through this?

2) What are the fees currently associated with the courier service if I opt to just have the money deposited?

3) You mention changing courier services and the fees may differ. Can you let me know some of the prices for the other couriers?

I apologize for asking all of these questions and wasting your valuable time. I really want this transaction to move forward and I am just trying to gather as much information as I can so that I can tell my board of directors about the steps we need to take.

I'm willing to travel to Nigeria if need be but maybe you can provide me some more information on the fees and other courier services in the mean time.

What would you recommend we do here and how should we proceed?

Openly Curious About Men,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

While it may not seem like it to you, up until this point, I was actually trying to be very reserved in my over-the-top-ed-ness. I was genuinely curious how far along I could keep the scam going and was interested to see where it would end. Sadly, the reply I got to the above email changed all of that.

From: "Mr Ovia Jim" [mrjjimovia.zzenithbankz@yahoo.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: Information's Needed........From Mr. Jim Ovia

FROM THE DESK OF THE MANAGER ZENITH BANK
OUR REF/ ZBNPLC/00784/09
MOBILE NUMBER:+234-7-264-828-64.

Dear :Roger Garrison.

Thanks for your email response. How are you today ? I hope all is well with you and your family over there. I received your mail, it is my pleasure to inform you that i got your mail and all the content was well understood. I write to confirm to you that your Draft is with me here, which I have been waiting to hear from you as to direct me on how to send the Draft to you.

I clearly understood your previous predicament and that is why the UNITED NATIONS are compensating you as well as other scammed victims in other to eradicate scams so that foreign investors could come to Africa without any doubt and then invest on any lucrative business of their choice.

Also if you can forward the details of those that stole from you I can forward it to the appropriate authorities for further investigations and then bring these culprits to book. However, the only way i could send your draft to you is, either i deposit the Cheque into your account or I send it to you through courier service, i will go now to find out what they would cost.

However, you are required to reconfirm your details.

The informations below are needed now:

NAME:......................... ...........
AGE:.......................... ..............
SEX:.......................... .............
ADDRESS:...................... .........
EMAIL:........................ ............
PHONE:........................ ...........
OCCUPATION:................... ......
COMPANY:...................... ........
COUNTRY:...................... .........
IDENTIFICATION................ ......................

Finally I would like to hear from you as soon as possible with the required information, so that we can complete this process immediately, cos i will be very busy soon with work

Call me +234 7026482864.
My regards to your family.

Remain blessed.

MD, Zenith Bank,
Jim Ovia

Just as I thought things were getting interesting and our dialogue was going really well, he had to go and send me back some pre-formatted scam bullshit email that didn't have anything to do with our previous replies. It's almost like he thought, "hmm, this scam isn't proceeding fast enough. Maybe if I re-send him all of the details for the scam and ask again nicely, he'll forget everything and just send the information I want." Well, Roger isn't that gullible and Roger isn't going to stand for this type of nonsense.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: mrjjimovia.zzenithbankz@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Information's Needed........From Mr. Jim Ovia

Dear :MD,. :Zenith :Bank,. :Jim :Ovia.,

I would like to, again, thank you profusely for writing back to me in such a timely manner. It's so rare that people actually respond back to any of my internet communiques. My accountant, Leroy, says that's because my "emails mo'fuckin stank" or something along those lines. I think it's the equivalent of digital halitosis. I would have fired him by now but he's actually really good at what he does and he once claimed that he met Jesus, so that's pretty cool, too. I find the whole story a little hard to swallow but I don't have any proof that he didn't really meet Jesus and he could probably beat me up pretty bad if I called him a liar.

Unfortunately, with the pleasantries aside, I am more than a little perplexed by your email reply. You see, English is not my first language and I lack the eloquence and wonderfulness that your email embodies, so pardon me if I didn't quite grasp your message. Also, I was dropped on my head as a child and as a result, my brain thinks slow. I've spent the past few hours reading over what you wrote to me only to discover that IT DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH WHAT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT PREVIOUSLY.

While I may be an idiot, I do understand a thing or two about how email is supposed to work. One party writes some kind of content/statement/question to another party. Upon receipt of this communicative volley, the other party reads what the first sent and then carefully composes a reply back. This reply usually consists of opinions, additional statements, pictures of ponies, or answers to any questions that were originally asked. This process is then continued ad nauseum until both parties are satisfied with the exchange.

I, my friend, am not satisfied.

I thought that we had a good relationship going here. You tell me that you have money waiting for me and I get a boner because I am turned on by money. I initially had some questions and concerns but you crafted very thorough responses and I was happy and ready to move on to the next level. In my last email, I asked for details on how we can make this money magic happen but a few problems arose with your last reply:

1) You managed to not answer any of the questions I asked.

2) You provided me no further details on courier fees or camel dances.

3) You continually made references to my family, all of whom died earlier this year in a tragic snowboat accident. I don't suppose you could have known that but maybe you be a little more careful next time.

Trust me, Jim, I WANT THIS MONEY but if you're not willing to work with me on this, then I am more than happy to move along to other opportunities. All I wanted was a little more information on the courier services, their fees, and how that all works out but you decided that you were going to be "that guy" and send me back some cookie cutter bullshit email response.

This is not how business relationships work.

I know that you can't see me right now but I am totally shaking my finger in a fast motion and saying "Bad business partner! Bad!" out loud.

I would very much like to continue our correspondence but I fear that I may not hear from you again. I know that you're "very busy soon with work" and I'm "very busy now hiring prostitutes" but I think that we can still make a go at this thing. If you could read over my previous email and get back to me with information on the details of fees and/or a travel i ternary, I'd happily move this thing along and elevate you back to #1 business partner of Roger Garrison. They don't award medals for second place.

I am looking forward to hearing back from you soon.

Choking the Chicken,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

While I'm not sure that this email thread is over with, I don't know what to expect after this. Mr. Jim Ovia has proved to be pretty resilient to my phoniness and continues to respond even when I think he won't but I pretty much did nothing but lay into him for the entire last email. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that communication will continue but you can never be too sure. Have we heard the last of Jim Ovia? Who knows. I hope not.