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Spamtastic Adventures
09.09.2008 | 12:09 PM

Author: RP
Score: 5/5 (2 Votes)


For many of us, email spam is the bane of our internet existence. Dick drugs, replica watches and college degree offers all sound great but I have a really hard time believing that there are horny teens out there just waiting to talk to me. But what if they're real? What if those offers that sound too good to be true really are true? If you're like most people, you'll probably never know thanks to blacklists and spam filters. What if you're not like most people? What if you're like me? Then your parents probably drank while they were pregnant with you.

As a bastion for truth in advertising and internet journalism, I set out to find out what is really going on with those spam offers. Well, that's sort of a lie. I don't really care about the truth -- I just want to bullshit with these people and see how over the top I can be before they stop responding. Surprisingly, spammers have very little patience.

Join us below as my alter ego, Roger Garrison, decides to take up one company on their job offer and promise of fast riches.

From: Julio Farris [ycgdi@blckdiamond.com]
Subject: New opportunities for you - today!

New opportunities for you - today!
Income Technologies invites you to cooperation.
You are responsible and accurate,
You are from 20 till 60 year,
You have free time (1-4 hours daily)
This is your chance:
No financial risk!

Contact us, your job is waiting for you!

Just send us your email and we will explain everything to you!

Heres is my personal email: spyratoschristine121@gmail.com

Sounds legit enough, right? I mean, what's the harm? They clearly state that there is no financial risk. I'd be an idiot not to jump on this offer.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: spyratoschristine121@gmail.com
Subject: Re: New opportunities for you - today!

Hello,

My name is Roger Garrison!

I have been unemployed for the past three months after there was an incident in the office where I might or might not have had a fifth of Jack before a quarterly financial meeting and possibly threw my boss through the window. What was I supposed to do? He wouldn't stop passing gas.

Anyway, I received the email you sent to me offering a great new opportunity and I can't tell you how excited I am to learn more.

Let me lay out some of my qualifications:

1. I have never refused an invitation to cooperation. In fact, I welcome cooperation with open arms (unless you're Muslim, LOL).

2. I am EXTREMELY responsible and accurate. I am so much so that I would like to point out that you ended your sentences with a comma instead of a period. BAM! How's that for accurate?

3. Definitely 20 till 60 year. I'm 34 and lonely.

4. I'm staying with my mom right now and even though she's lazy and doesn't do anything around the house, I don't either and I don't care how much she asks me to help out. So I have plenty of free time (15-20 hours daily!)

5. I don't want to miss my chance!

Please provide me with more information on this great opportunity. I am extremely enthusiastic and will work extra hard to prove to you that I am the right person for the job.

Holla back at your boy!

Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

Now, I will admit that I don't get a lot of responses back after my initial emails. As much as I try and contain myself, it's just so easy to be over-the-top and obviously fake. But, to my surprise, the good people at Income Technologies know a winner when they see one and they replied back to me with more information about the job. I'll admit that it's a long read but worth it. Bonus points if you can figure out what the job actually is. (I read it over three times and got nothing.)

Subject: Income Technologies
From: support@income-technologies.com
To: roger@4kb.com

Greetings !!!

More information about this job.

Income Technologies faced the problem of receiving payments from our clients a year ago because of the new Visa, Amex and MasterCard policies that minimized the limits for online payments. Direct transactions to company's bank accounts were an effective way to work in our local market. But at that time the number of our foreign clients decreased. In a large number of deals we could not
satisfy our customers in time, because we start working on the order only when the money is available on our corporate bank account and this process could take as much as from 3 to 5 days. So our clients had to wait more than a week to get merchandise.

We used to try some alternative payment systems. We have opened some accounts in various electronic payment systems and started receiving fast money transactions. But most of our customers still prefer to use direct bank transactions, because they are much more convenient for them.

So we decided to create some new bank accounts in other countries where we got a lot of existing clients. But according to the laws of many counties we should have to register a new local company before opening a bank account. It was not a big problem to our company but we had to spend a lot of time and money for getting all the necessary documents and permissions. Besides the difficulties mentioned above in some countries we have to open an affiliate office also making the business unprofitable for us. We refused the idea with new bank accounts opening in all the necessary countries and decided to solve
the payment problems establishing the network of regional funds managers in the countries with a perspective market.

A lot of online businesses have been successfully using their networks of agents for a long time. Such networks helped them to increase the number of online operations and overall turnover. The main idea of using the help of regional funds managers is that we offer our customer, for example from Australia, to pay for plasma TV-set directly to the bank account of our funds manager in the same country. The client makes the payment and during 24 hours the funds are available on the manager's bank account. The funds manager receives his fee and remits funds to the company after confirming the receiving. So we have got an opportunity to receive money during 24 hours in each country where Income Technologies has funds managers and to send plasma TV-sets, digital goods to our clients even in 2 days after the order.

Now Income Technologies has got its own network of funds managers in the countries of Western and Central Europe, North America, Australia, New Zealand and Middle East. Also as Internet technologies have fast progress we have some new countries where the number of clients increases. Of course before starting the funds managers' recruiting campaign in a new country our lawyers make a big work studying legislation of that country because we have to be sure that it is legal to have our agent in the country and we start working only if
there is no need to pay any extra taxes for such activities.

Is this a profitable business?

Funds manager's fee is 5 from the successfully transferred payment. The fee can be retrieved after the money is available on the manager's bank account. Also all the expenses connected with money transactions to our representatives are paid by our company. There is that number of regional managers in each country so that on each of the managers could handle 3 transactions per week. It makes easy for our agents to earn good money without any overstrain.

The additional requirements for this job:

1. You can combine it with your main job. For example, you can make the transaction during your lunch time.
2. Your education or job experience does not matter to us. We demand only full legal age.
3. Making this kind of job takes a short time. One transaction takes on average from 1 till 3 hours according to the distance to the nearest branch of your bank.
4. We demand the only knowledge and possibility for using e-mail and to calculate your fee correctly.
5. It is simple to get this job. You must have good credit and no criminal records.
6. Due to the fact that you receive your wages immediately depending on the volume of transactions, you can choose the number of transactions you would like to receive yourself, if there are extra transactions besides the number which we demand. Also if you have got any problems which prevent you from making the transactions for some time (you are going to a vacation, fell ill or you are involved in your main job activities), you can just inform us about it and confirm the exact date when you'll be ready to receive the payment again or just let us know when you are ready and we will continue our cooperation.

But at the same time you should know that each incoming transaction has to be resent according to our instructions within 12 hours after the money is available on your bank account.

If you delay the transaction for more than 12 hours without any serious reason (if it is so you have to inform us beforehand) you will not receive any fee for that payment. In the case of second delay we'll stop any business relations with you.

Please notice that each funds manager has an opportunity to increase his fee by finding the new clients. The funds manager will receive a fee of 10 of the dealing sum from each involved customer. Also each agent has 12 discount for all our propositions.

How to apply to get this job?

Send us an email with brief information regarding your person:

1. Your full name:
2. Home phone number:
3. Cell phone number:
4. Work phone number:
5. Your country:
6. Your city:
7. Your contact email(s):
8. Your contact icq(s):

To learn more, visit our Web site
income-technologies.com

Best regards
Income Technologies

Sounds like one sweet-ass job. Roger fires back at them with some more questions and proof that he is the right man for the job.

Subject: Re: Income Technologies
From: Roger Garrison [roger@4kb.com]
To: support@income-technologies.com

Hello Income Technologies,

I really appreciate you getting back to me in a timely manner. As I mentioned previously, I have been looking for more ways to increase the size of my revenue since being laid off from that Fortune 500 company for copulating with a broomstick during office hours. (I'm also looking for ways to increase the size of my you-know-what, so if you have any contacts or information in that department, great!)

I read over what you sent me but, unfortunately, I have a few more questions before I can really jump into this thing full swing. Hopefully this won't affect my application process!!!

Questions for Income Technologies:

1. You mention plasma televisions a lot in your email below. I was recently diagnosed with Ophidiophobia, which is the fear of things containing plasma. Like, I can't walk past a Circuit City or I just start throwing up. Do you deal exclusively in televisions or was that just some kind of example? I hope it was an example because Australians and plasma televisions are the stuff of nightmares.

If I don't have to ever see the television, that's OK.

2. I don't have a passport, so let me know if any kind of travel is required. My last job required me to travel all of the time and I got sick of driving my car across the Atlantic Ocean. It doesn't float or anything so I would have to drive really, really fast or it would sink.

3. I have a hard time defining the terms you mention a lot below. Specifically, fund managers, clients, zookeepers, and regional agents. Can
you provide more information as to what these terms mean and how they apply to me working for Income Technologies?

4. I eat a lot of Asian cuisine. Would this be a problem?

So, like I said, I am super excited about learning more about this job opportunity and I hope my questions were OK. One time, I got into a lot of trouble after I responded to a lot of personal ads saying that I was a serial killer so I know how my mouth can get me into trouble sometimes.

But in hopes of swaying your judgment, I would like to further respond to your mention of the additional requirements for the job just to show you how extra qualified and dedicated I am to working with you on this!

Answers to Income Technologies Statements About Additional Requirements:

1. As I mentioned above, I am unemployed which means that I would like to make Income Technologies my main job. Also, I would refuse to take lunch so that I would have more time to make transactions.

2. Trust me, babe, my age is nothing but full and legal. Also, I dropped out of the 8th grade because I got addicted to huffing paint. All of that is behind me now. Go Income Technologies!!

3. I actually live about a block away from the nearest branch of my bank. Plus there is one at the grocery store too next to the Starbucks. You might have seen it if you go shopping by the fruit isle. Next to the DVD kiosk thing. So, which one should I choose? Do you think it would still take the full three hours to get there? I can always walk and manage the transaction in person because I am a real go-getter and also not fat like Craig, my next door neighbor.

4. I love email! I also love calculating fees! I damn near orgasm when an email
comes in where I am forced to calculate fees. Sign me up!

5. I am willing to provide copies of my awesome credit report as proof if needed. Also, I am allergic to anything illegal, so you have no worry about my criminal record. (I also avoid Mexicans when at all possible because they sometimes have the Ebola virus.)

6. I appreciate this flexibility you provide. One time I did "fell ill" at my old job and my boss came over and punched me in the throat. Man, that hurt. But Income Technologies sounds like a much better place to work than my old job at the car wash.

I love income! I love technologies! I LOVE INCOME TECHNOLOGIES!

Please, for the love of God, get back to me ASAP concerning the questions above. Please also read over my additional qualifications and let me know if I look like I might be a good match for employment. I'm tired of my mom bitching at me for not bringing any money into the house. She's a hooker -- what does she know anyway.

Once you give me the green light, I will reply back with my application information and we can hopefully get started on our awesome new partnership as husband and wife.

Yours Truly,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

I definitely didn't expect much after that email. The only way that they could still think I was serious about the job would have been to not read a single thing I wrote. I'm not sure which category Income Technologies falls under.

Subject: Re: Income Technologies
From: support@income-technologies.com
To: roger@4kb.com

Roger ,

Please do not. We are a business that serious. The joking that you make is not welcome at us.

Discontinue this.

Income Technologies

So, my chances are pretty much done it seems. Might as well fire back one last reply.

Subject: Re: Income Technologies
From: Roger Garrison [roger@4kb.com]
To: support@income-technologies.com

To My Dear Income Technologies Friends,

Rest assured that I am no joke. I am as serious about income and technology as I am about killing my next door neighbor. I really hate that guy. I'm a black belt in Judo so I can take him.

To prove that I am serious, I have pasted below a rap song that I created for the purposes of helping sway your judgment:

Kill a hooker, beat her down,
Income Tech is the best in town.
Bust her head with a baseball bat,
Income Tech is where it's at.

And then, if I were doing this live at a concert or in my garage, I would start rocking with the crowd and getting them involved:

When I say "Income", you say "Tech"!!

And we would go back and forth like that for a while until everyone believed.

Hmm, perhaps I might be better suited in your Marketing department? I smell opportunity!

Anyway, get back to me because I have an appointment at the strip club in an hour and I'd like to go there with the confidence of a man who has a job instead of the fat loser that I am right now.

Thanks!

Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

And thus probably ends the Income Technologies chapter of this journey. I don't have any hopes that I will receive another reply regarding this. Still, it's not like I don't have another thousand offers in my inbox. Join us again soon on Spamtastic Adventures as Roger finds more ways to annoy internet strangers.

 
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RE: Spamtastic Adventures (#1074)
By: Ryan on September 9, 2008 (2:55 PM) PST

May be the best RPizzle update ever! Seriously was laughing to myself out loud at the airport.