They say that money is the root of all evil but I will be the first to step up and argue the untruth of that statement. Money is actually the root of all awesome and I would like to officially nominate Lagos, Nigeria as the capital city. They seem to have plenty of money to pass around and there is no shortage of amazing individuals who claim to live there.

In case you missed the first part of this update, I've been back and forth with a gentleman by the name of Jim Ovia who claims to have some money for me from the United Nations. Unlike most of the other spammers that I have dealt with in the past, it seems like this guy actually reads the emails I send back and isn't so quick to fire off some pre-written stock email that one of his friends wrote in broken English. Well, for the most part.

We left off with my alter ego, Roger Garrison, laying into Mr. Jim Ovia for sending back one of those generic emails. You see, Roger really wants his money and he really wants this relationship to work. It took a few days but Jim Ovia responded back with answers to all of the questions he asked. Let's join the action already in progress.

From: "Mr Ovia Jim" [mrjjimovia.zzenithbankz@yahoo.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: Re: reply as soon as possible....Mr Roger Garrison

FROM THE DESK OF THE MANAGER ZENITH BANK
OUR REF/ ZBNPLC/00784/09
MOBILE NUMBER:+234 70-264-828-64.

Dear : Mr Roger Garrison,

Thanks for your email response.I must let you know that we can complete your transaction today if only you can work and co-operate with me. However, I have made the necessary findings from different courier companies here for the dispatch of your check which worth $500,000.00

Just in case you prefer your Cheque to be deposited into your bank account, the bank have said that you will need to send a cash transfer fees of USD$1000.00 as your account is an international account and outside this country, but i still checked for the cost of the courier service so let me know your choice.

I am sorry for my short conversation with you on the phone it was due to bad network anyway I will call you as soon as I receive any response from you.. Below is the cost of sending your check through any of these express courier services from here to your country.

You are requested to send the necessary fees to enable me send your cashier cheque immediately and then you cash it from any bank of your choice. These are the preferred channels of delivery your parcel to you which i have confirmed it okay, these express diplomatic courier service is a diplomatic courier company that have a diplomatic license to deliver any Parcel/Consignment to any country without problem and delay, so my dear you are to make your choice Asap:

HERE ARE MY FINDINGS

Federal Express Diplomatic and Sky link fast delivery
Mailing: USD$ 150.00 Dollars For 2 days Delivery

DHL delivery services:
Mailing: USD$ 200.00 Dollars For 2 days Delivery

UPS
Mailing: USD$220.00 Dollars For a day Delivery

FEDEX
Mailing: USD$ 240.00. Dollars For a day Delivery

Select any of your affordable courier fee and send it through Western Union Money Transfer with this name stated above.

SENDER'S NAME:
RECEIVER NAME: ADEWALE JOHNSON
COUNTRY: LAGOS-NIGERIA
TEST QUESTION: WHAT FOR
TEST ANSWER: GOOD
AMOUNT:
MTCN NUMBER:

As soon as you send the money send the MTCN Ten digits control number and the senders name to enable my clerk pick up the money and I will dispatch your package immediately upon the confirmation of payment and forward the tracking number to you to enable you track your package on-line, That Is if you have chosen for me to send it through courier service, but if you have chosen that the cheque is been deposited into your nominated bank account then you will send the necessary fees (Transfer Fess) as stated above and the bank have assured that the funds will be in your account 30mins after the transfer fees of US$1000.00 is received here.

And be careful to make no mistakes in the receivers information above.I am looking forward to hearing from you with reconfirmation of your mailing information or bank information which ever one you chosen to avoid mistakes.Again if you were to come down to Nigeria,I will need to direct you to someone who you are to meet with here in Nigeria,becuase you cannot just show up here at our bank just like that okay.

Call me +234 7026482864.
My regards to your family.

Remain blessed.
MD, Zenith Bank,
Jim Ovia

Aside from the obvious goof of mentioning a phone call that we never had, the email is pretty straight forward. He answered my questions concerning the courier fees and told me what I would need to do to finish the transaction. Sure, the message has a "stop fucking around and hurry up and send me money" overtone to it but I'm going to stick with my gut feeling about that just being part of the man's charm.

Before diving into the next email, it should be noted that Roger got very busy and it took him a few days to reply back. During this time period, Jim Ovia sent the above email a total of four times and sent along an additional note asking why Roger wasn't responding anymore. The answer is simple: Roger was traveling.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "Mr Ovia Jim" [mrjjimovia.zzenithbankz@yahoo.com]
Subject: Re: reply as soon as possible....Mr Roger Garrison

To My Dearest & Bestest Friend Jim Ovia,

I want to start out this message by sincerely apologizing for the tardiness of my communication. I had to go out of town very quickly and have been traveling ever since. One of my clients, a guy who lives in Whattheshit, Arkansas was being sued by his wife because she caught him in bed with a horse. She was about to take him for everything he was worth but, thankfully, she contracted throat cancer and now she's quarantined in the hospital. It looks like my client will be the one getting the last laugh. Seriously, because his wife can't speak anymore so I am pretty sure that laughing is out of the question for her these days.

I have stayed up many a late night over the past week thinking of nothing but the sweet sound of your emails as read to me by my text to speech program that my assistant installed. The voice kind of sounds like Pee Wee Herman and it makes me warm inside when I think about all of the great communications that we have shared so far and how many I hope that we'll share in the future. I never want our relationship to end, Jim.

To you, it might be all about getting me my money but I'm in this thing for more than that -- I'm in this thing for friendship. If the internet has taught me anything -- aside from the fact that I find "2 girls, 1 cup" arousing -- it's that friends can be really hard to come by. You're a pretty special guy, Jim and I just thought you might want to know that before we get back to business.

I am definitely still eagerly awaiting my bank draft for $500,000.00. I've already thought about all of the great things that I am going to buy with it but I've been trying to be good and not spend it before I have it in my hands. Still, the other day, I ordered a couple of escorts and some expensive champagne. We partied until my Mom came home and made everyone leave. Time for Roger to live a little, right?

Also, it's totally cool about us getting cut off during our phone conversation. I mean, it's not like it's possible for you to call me back or anything once the network problem goes away. I understand that technology hasn't advanced as far as the capability to re-dial someone you just talked to. Plus, I was so high on Quaaludes that I honestly don't remember talking to you at all so it's probably for the best.

MY RESPONSE TO YOUR FINDINGS

I am extremely pleased that you were able to "find" something so complex as pricing figures for courier services. I realize how difficult it can be to obtain such information during these dark times that we are living in. However, I think that the prices you gave me may be a little on the high side. While I do realize that we are in an economic slumber, I recently shipped a crate containing three orphan children (12 & under) via Fed Ex and it only cost me $97.50. You say that Fed Ex would charge me $240.00.

Are any of these prices negotiable? If not, that's OK. I realize that you probably did your best and you're simply horrible at using a barter system.

Also, can you clarify if the courier price is on top of the $1000.00 fee you mentioned? I need to be able to report back to my board of directors about how much I am cutting the check for.

I have the MTCN number ready to send to you but I am curious if we could work out the remaining details of the pricing structure.

If you can provide me any additional information on this, it would be most appreciated. Kind of a "you rub my back, I'll do a whole lot more than that" type thing. *wink wink*

Please feel free to call me again if you have any immediate questions. Otherwise, I will be watching my email very closely from here on out (no traveling!) and we can get this process moving quickly.

Thank you again, Jim Ovia. You are truly an amazing man and an absolute credit to the human race.

Already Counting The Cash,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

Things seem to be progressing very smoothly. He answers a few more questions, I pay a small fee, and then I am rich beyond my dreams, assuming my dreams only include me being $500,000.00 rich.

From: "Mr Ovia Jim" [mrjjimovia.zzenithbankz@yahoo.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: all we need is trust and nothing else....

Dear ,

It has been my pleased to receive your mail; how you and the family are hope all is fine, Concerning the mail I received from you, why the FedEx courier service is $240.00 is because of security reason I don’t want anything to happen to the delivery and I don’t want it to deliver late Okay.

For the prices of the courier service is not negotiable because of what I told you earlier. As for the $1000.00 that is after you have received your Bank Draft that is when the payment will be paid.

So all you have to do is to try your best and live the rest to God all mighty. All we need in this transaction trust and nothing else okay. you have to co-operate with me so your bank draft can be send as soon as possible.

So all I want you to do now is to send me the MCTN NUMBER with the payment slip so your bank draft will send to you immediately.ans sorry i want you to send me your phone again so i can call you.

I will be expecting your mail as soon as possible.

Best regards to your family and your board of director.
Mr. Jim Ovia

I think that if a train were to come out of nowhere and run me over, I could die a happy man. The email above embodies everything that is amazing about the world. The broken English, the nonsensical sentence structure, and the inane justifications for needing whatever just makes me involuntarily orgasm every time I read it. Your results may vary.

Still, we are at a crossroads here and it's time for Roger to either send some money and move this thing along or call it quits. Roger doesn't know the meaning of the word quit. (Roger doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words but he uses them anyway.)

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "Mr Ovia Jim" [mrjjimovia.zzenithbankz@yahoo.com]
Subject: Re: all we need is trust and nothing else....

Hello again, Jim Ovia (a.k.a. Friend For Life)!

I continually appreciate your efforts in keeping this business relationship going and taking the time to answer any and all of the questions that I ask. Your style of writing which involves taking a bunch of words that don't make any sense and putting them all together into one sentence is nothing short of pure genius. The feeling that I get in my testicles and stomach every time an email of yours appears in my inbox is hard to describe but it is something similar to riding a roller coaster very fast while being punched in the head. Trust me on this one: this is a VERY good thing.

I will admit that I was more than a little worried that I was not going to hear back from you, largely because I was molested as a child and that has made me extremely insecure around felines, but mostly because every time I feel that I am getting close to someone they start to pull away. You are a true internet hero, Jim Ovia, and I can only hope to inspire those around me to be as great a person to others as you have been to me. I'm not gay or anything but I've thought about making out with you a lot.

That aside, I HAVE GREAT NEWS: I'm not pregnant. While I guess this shouldn't come as any surprise given that I am male and thus not really susceptible to getting pregnant, it's always kind of a nice surprise when you test yourself and it comes up negative. Or positive. Whatever is the good one. I can never tell because diseases and diagnoses are always backwards and confusing.

ALSO, I HAVE MORE GOOD NEWS! I have obtained the MTCN number and it has been sent off to Western Union for delivery. I have pasted the information below. However, I feel that I should warn you about a few changed details prior to you reading it. (DON'T SKIP AHEAD, JERK FACE.) In your original email, you mentioned that the receiver's name should be ADEWALE JOHNSON but since I don't know any one by that name, I put your name JIM OVIA instead. I'm not sure who ADEWALE JOHNSON is but he doesn't sound as trustworthy as you, Jim.

Also, I changed your test question and answer because yours was pretty dumb and I felt that this challenge/response section should contain more praise for you. I don't know much about where you live but I envision you to be some kind of local superhero, kind of like Nigeria's version of Rocky Balboa. So, the more praise the better, right? Anyway, please find the transmit information below and hopefully the money train is going to be leaving the station real soon.

SENDER'S NAME: Roger "Rog" Garrison
RECEIVER NAME: Jim Ovia
COUNTRY: LAGOS-NIGERIA
TEST QUESTION: Who is the only man I will ever love?
TEST ANSWER: Jim Mo'fuckin Ovia, that's who!
AMOUNT: $2750.00
MTCN NUMBER: 1842932492

I was really confused by your last email and I honestly have no idea how much the amount should be so I just kind of threw all of the money I had available in there. I mean, what the hell, right? I'll have more than enough money once I get that bank draft back so what's a few thousand right now?

Please feel free to use any courier service that you feel is the most secure to deliver me my bank draft. I have the utmost faith and trust in you, Jim.

Please let me know how we proceed from here.

With Jheri Curled Eyebrows,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

Sometimes, when I am in the middle of doing all this, I start to feel really bad about getting the guy's hopes up but then I remember that I was born without feelings, so I light some stray cats on fire and laugh.

From: "Mr Ovia Jim" [mrjjimovia.zzenithbankz@yahoo.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: just send me the payment slip.okay

Dearest good friend Garrison,

I just receive mail now, and I went to the western union they say the MTCN was not matches all I want you to do now is to scan the payment slip and send it to me so I can be sure of what I am doing, concern the receiver name that is the name of our secretary he is the one that will go to the western union for the money. Okay

So I want you to know that this is not a joking matter I have to make sure you receive your Bank Draft that is the promise I made to you.

And all so the charges is $240 dollars not $2750, I don’t know why you send $2750. Please all I want you to do now is to send me the payment slip.

Best Regards to your family.
Mr. Jim Ovia

Why would he think that I think that this is a joking matter? Sending email is serious business and sending emails about money is even more serious business. I would never joke about things inside an email containing something to do with money.

What I do find funny is the mental image in my head of this guy running down to the local Nigerian Western Union (probably the busiest one of them all) and excitedly presenting his MTCN number for payment. Even better if he had to read the test question/answer out loud to the clerk. It's little things like this that get me through the hard times.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "Mr Ovia Jim" [mrjjimovia.zzenithbankz@yahoo.com]
Subject: Re: just send me the payment slip.okay

To my Savior, Jim Ovia,

You have no idea how thankful I am that you were able to reply back to me in such a short amount of time. Well, actually, in hindsight, I guess you do have an idea because I just told you but up until that point when I told you, you probably had no idea. Your email couldn't have come at a better time.

I'M IN BIG TROUBLE AND I NEED YOUR HELP!

I told myself to be patient time and time again, that I should just wait for the money to come before I did anything stupid. Well, I didn't listen to me and I got involved in a high stakes goat race run by some very unsavory characters. I was sure that I had picked a guaranteed winner but he finished in last place. I risked everything I (didn't) have. I was hoping that the Western Union transaction would go smoothly and that I would be able to pay off the debt in time but now that doesn't appear to be the case and the owners of the race track have a contract out on my head.

In a nutshell, I have to get out of town quick!

Would it be possible for me to fly out Nigeria and meet up with you in person? I can't stick around here for long or I am a dead man. I can't go to the bank or back home and I have just enough money for a plane ticket out of the country. Once I land, we can do the money transaction in person.

I know, I know, this is all so sudden and I am sorry for springing it on you. I don't like it either and I would imagine that I would like it a lot less if I were to die. We can come up with some kind of back story about how we met so that when your friends come up to you and ask who I am, you won't say "some guy I met on the internet" because that sounds really gay. Also, I don't have to fly directly to you. If you'd rather keep it discreet, I can stay in the next town over or whatever. I'm sure you have more experience with hiding prostitutes than I do.

I realize that you're probably a very busy man what with saving the world and all but I would like to make it worth your while. Once I am there, I can claim the bank draft immediately without the hassle of Western Union and then both of our money problems will be solved. I can split it 70/30 with you for all of your generosity.

I'm really scared and desperate and not sure what to do now.

I'm afraid that if we can't work something out very soon, I won't be around to be your love slave any longer. After the thugs find me, I'll be left to die in some alley next to a homeless guy with no pants, bleeding profusely from a blow to the head. I won't have much time, a scant few seconds to think back and dream about what could have been between us. The money, our lives together, everything. I would feel myself getting colder and know that the end is near. I steel myself as best I can and prepare for the inevitable. As death draws near, I would muster up the strength to utter one last breath; the name of a great man who changed my life forever. "Jim Ovia." And then I would be dead.

I don't want to die. Please let me know what to do!

Hoping I'm Still Breathing,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

Honestly, this thread could have probably kept going but there is only so much fake information that I could send the guy and still keep it interesting and I figured that sending out a "we should meet in person under dire circumstances" email would be the best way to end it once and for all. Despite the fact that he offered to have me fly out to Nigeria and take of this in person earlier in the thread, Jim Ovia apparently wasn't too receptive of the idea this time around.

I had a lot of fun going back and forth with this guy because it seemed like no matter how much bullshit I put in the email, he would always play along and address whatever it is I asked. I'm going to miss you, Jim Ovia. You're a good sport.