Whenever we embark on a new spamtastic adventure, I really have no idea how they are going to turn out. Sure, I can try and steer the conversation one way or another but ultimately, it's up the guy on the other end of the email to do most of the path work. With that said, this update may have started out with a promise of middle-man art gallery work but I am pretty sure that we have moved into "what the fuck" territory by now. Honestly, I don't even think we're talking about employment anymore. Spamtastic adventures: how to hook up with creepy dudes on the internet 101.
When we last left off with Roger Garrison vs. Richard Hobberman, I spent most of the time badgering the guy with questions, most of which he refused to answer. After some begging and pleading, I was finally treated some quick one line responses that didn't really address much of anything but it was enough. I finally felt confident enough to send along my personal contact information in hopes of moving our business relationship forward. After supplying the info, I was told to sit and wait for further instructions but I'm not exactly the patient type when it comes to money. Before I was even able to fire a response back, I received a second email asking for the information again. You know, just to make sure that I was serious. Oh, I'm serious all right.
Richard, you proved a worthy foe and you will go into the hall of fame along with Jim Ovia for just being awesome. I doubt that you will ever read this but if you do, thanks for the good times and if you ever want to get serious about doing work in the art world, I know some people. Holla at your boy.
When we last left off with Roger Garrison vs. Richard Hobberman, I spent most of the time badgering the guy with questions, most of which he refused to answer. After some begging and pleading, I was finally treated some quick one line responses that didn't really address much of anything but it was enough. I finally felt confident enough to send along my personal contact information in hopes of moving our business relationship forward. After supplying the info, I was told to sit and wait for further instructions but I'm not exactly the patient type when it comes to money. Before I was even able to fire a response back, I received a second email asking for the information again. You know, just to make sure that I was serious. Oh, I'm serious all right.
From: "Richard Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]It seems to me like maybe he doesn't quite have his shit together. I mean, honestly, was there a single thing that I've said in my replies previously that would make anyone think that I was less than 100% serious? Wait, don't answer that.
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: RESPONSE NEEDED URGENTLY.
Dear Roger,
Kindly refill the following Balnk Places in order to establish your Total interest in the whole thing.
FIRST NAME…………………………
SURNAME………………………………
ADDRESS……………………………………………………………………………..
CITY……………………………………..
STATE…………………………………..
ZIP CODE………………………………..
COUNTRY……………………………...
PHONE NUMBER (S) ………………………………………
GENDER……………………………..
MARITAL STATUS……………………..
AGE…………………………………..
NATIONALITY………………………….
From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]At this point, I am really not sure what to make of the guy. Obviously, English isn't his first language but he has a much better grasp of grammar than most spammers I've dealt with. So, either he really knows that I am just fucking with him and he is playing along or he isn't truly understanding everything I am saying. At least he is a good sport.
To: "Richard E. Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
Subject: Re: RESPONSE NEEDED URGENTLY.
Dear Richard "Rich Hobbs" Hobberman,
I am so glad to hear that you found my response to be kind. I really wasn't trying to be but I am going to assume that you don't really know what that word means and move on. Consider this reply as my attempt to establish my total interest in the whole thing. Seeing your whole thing would make all of my dreams come true. Seriously.
I am so excited about the beginnings of our new partnership. I don't want to jump the gun or anything, but I think that you might just be the one for me. You make me happy and the idea that I am happy now makes me even more happy because I lack the DNA gene which causes me to contain my feelings. I'm also prone to premature ejaculation and I just think that you should know that. I make up for it in other ways if that comes as some kind of deal breaker but hopefully not.
Maybe if you're up for it later, we can exchange photos or whatever so that I have something to hang on my wall. I've got the cutest little frame picked out. It has hearts and stars all around the border and at the bottom it says "match made in heaven." I think a photo of you would go nicely in there. I've got a pretty awesome glamor shot of myself to send. I had just finished working out so you know I am looking in top shape.
Anyhoo, I can't wait to hear back from you regarding the next steps in our business process. I have re-included the information below, though if you ask me, it seems kind of stupid that I had to send it again. I mean, the shit should just be right there in your inbox. But, hey, you're the boss.
FIRST NAME: Roger "Rogaire"
SURNAME: Garrison
ADDRESS: 762 Sutter Street
CITY: San Francisco
STATE: CA
ZIP CODE: 94109
COUNTRY: USA
PHONE NUMBER (S):
GENDER: M
MARITAL STATUS: Single and looking for action!
AGE: Good boys never tell. Syke, I'm 26.
NATIONALITY: US
I just went to store and bought a bunch of supplies so I plan on chaining myself to my office chair and clicking refresh on my inbox every 30 seconds until I hear back from you.
I'm all oiled up and ready for action, Richard. Let's do this.
With A Firm Johnson,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com
From: "Richard Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]The James Bond reference, calling me chuckles, homo erotic overtones? Check. Point, Hobberman. Turn about is fair play I suppose but I would wager that I can fuck you with way more than you can fuck with me. I am, after all, a professional in the field of making you look like a complete ass over email, Mr. Stranger.
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: RESPONSE NEEDED URGENTLY.
Dear Roger {ROGER MOORE JAMES BOND} Chuckles,
I think i am beginning to liek your personality and will like to have a One on One Contact with You and share good moments with you..You are pretty interesting and homely.
I will like us to share Pictures if you really want us to .I am always willing and ready to read from you and enjoy a working relationship with you.
From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]At many points during this exchange, I figured that I would never get a reply back but, without fail, less than 24 hours later a new Richard Hobberman masterpiece would arrive in my inbox. Granted, most were pretty short and had nothing to do with what I talked about previously but, you know, you can't expect the world from everyone. He's a man of few but very important words and you just have to accept Richard for being Richard.
To: "Richard E. Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
Subject: Re: RESPONSE NEEDED URGENTLY.
Hello Richard,
I will admit that I laughed more than 15 times while I was reading your email, which is amazing considering how short it was. I like that you called me "Chuckles" since it's important for serious businessmen like ourselves to sometimes let loose and go a little wild. I have a friend who was too wrapped up in his work and he wound up catching herpes from a toilet seat and I don't want to end up like that.
Speaking of serious business, do we have a name thought up for what we are going to call our company? I've told all of my family and close friends about my new job and they keep asking me, "Where are you working?" Since I don't really know the answer, I reply with, "uh, for some guy named Richard in India." They reply back saying that Richard isn't a very Indian name but that's when I take whatever object is nearest to me and beat them about the face and head for 30 seconds. "NO ONE disrespects Richard," I say mid-beating. They don't make that mistake twice.
I'm pretty new to business and the art gallery dealing world so I don't really have any amazing suggestions for what we could call it "Art Supply Subsidies" or something like that. I bet it would make a great acronym if we decided to shorten it. Maybe also we could have a mascot, like a ferret on a skateboard or something so that people know that we are serious. Again, these are just suggestions. I realize that ultimately, it's your call since you have at least 67% more business experience than I do.
I'm still very excited about our partnership so I am still patiently awaiting for further instructions on how you and I are going to proceed to make mad money. I know that I have some major bills due soon so the quicker that starts rolling in, the better. You asked that I stay in touch and reply promptly to emails, so I can only ask the same of you. We could be the next superstars of the art delivery world. You and me.
Speaking of you and me, as promised, I have attached a picture of myself to this email so that we can elevate our business partnership to the next level. I am sure that I have a personnel file now in your office somewhere, so having a reference photo will be good for that. Also, if you ever have me come out and visit, it'll be helpful to know what I look like. I think. Unless you're blind. I suppose I never did ask that so I hope that you are not blind. I don't want to offend my new boss, though that would explain your reluctance to answer my questions from earlier. It's not that you were avoiding them; you just needed someone to come over and read them to you. I get it now. I'm sorry that I jumped to the wrong conclusions. Please forgive me.
Anyway, the picture that I sent really isn't very professional. I just had my buddy take it right after I got done doing some sweet karate moves. I can send along some better ones more suited for the workplace if you want. You know, like if you wanted to hang them in your art gallery or something. Preferably under the heading of "Superstar Employee" or something else along those lines. Well, after I prove myself, of course.
So, anyway, I hope that things are well with you and I look forward to hearing back from you about our business adventures very soon.
Bringing Sexy Back,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com
From: "Richard Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]Palatable? What the fuck? Is this some Hannibal Lecter shit? I'd agree to meet with him and he'd wind up using my body as an entree dish and wearing my skin as a suit in his dungeon. Either that or he has no idea what the word means. Only one of these answers is acceptable.
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: RESPONSE NEEDED URGENTLY.
Yes Roger...you have a Nice Body Structure....Palatable.i wish to chat with you just taht i dont talk much.are you ever online ??
From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]I try valiantly to steer the conversation back towards work but, in the end, I fail. I really don't have any idea what his ultimate scam would be since all he has of mine is a fake address and he doesn't seem all that concerned with talking about business so who knows. It's possible that he just sucks at scamming. Not everyone can find their niche.
To: "Richard E. Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
Subject: Re: RESPONSE NEEDED URGENTLY.
To My Friend R. E. Hobberman,
Much as you said, you are a man of few words and I like that. Business isn't so much about what you say but more about what you do. Or who you do, depending on what kind of industry you're in. I will admit that I don't know much about how the art world operates so if I'm not putting out enough or something, just let me know. I'm a quick learner.
Speaking of business and the fact that I have been speaking of business in every single one of my emails, what's the deal? Are we going to start buying some art together or what? I've been waiting for some information from either you or ROYALMAIL and none has been forthcoming. You don't reply with any questions to the answers that I ask, which makes me wonder if maybe you're not serious about this whole thing.
I went out and got a tattoo of your name across my forehead. That's how serious I am about this. International art ordering for life, fool. It's like family over here. You get jumped in but you can't get jumped out. It doesn't work that way.
FYI, I'm online right now but I don't see you. I've been online all day and all I got was some random message about somebody asking if I knew Vanessa. I thought that it might be you playing a joke but then I realized your jokes would be far more funny and make more sense because you are a man of unlimited genius.
Let's get cracking on this business thing. I'm ready to make some moves up into the next tax bracket. If you're not serious about this thing that we have Richard, just let me know. I'd rather find out now that you had no interest in me than three months down the road when I come home early and find the FedEx guy delivering you his package personally. That would just break me.
Until next time, I await word from you my friend.
Silencing the Lambs,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com
From: "Richard Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]I decided at this point that it would probably be best to end the adventure here, though I have no doubt that I could have kept dragging it on for a while longer. Not to mention that I may still get something from him in the future when he actually decides to get his "business" up and running. I always wanted to me an "image maker" or whatever he wants to make my job title.
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: RESPONSE NEEDED URGENTLY.
Dear Mr.Rogers,
You have a way with Words and i must say you must be good at making Speeches..perhaps we should expand the scope of your Assignment to Image maker or something Better.I dont know though.But you are one hell of an Anxious Fella.You have more Questions than i can answered and that i have never been asked for ever in my whole Lifetime.
But i presumed that not all your Questions stand to be Answered.So i would just like to say I PASS.If we get to Chat then we can get to know more about each other better than answering Questions via the Email or Internet.You are One of the most interested Person i have ever met.Let's just keep your fingers crossed and see how this Business Relationship is gonna Last for you and me.
We are still heading somewhere with this Idea and Business Plans.Very soon you are gonna be handling your first Assignment and we will see how Good you can be at it.Get back to me .
Best Regards,
Richard.
Richard, you proved a worthy foe and you will go into the hall of fame along with Jim Ovia for just being awesome. I doubt that you will ever read this but if you do, thanks for the good times and if you ever want to get serious about doing work in the art world, I know some people. Holla at your boy.