While this may come as a surprise to many of you, I'm not too fond of reading and never managed to make it through an entire book on business relations. Thus, despite the overwhelming success that the P.Net Corporation has brought me, I'm not really in a position to dictate what is and what isn't a proper time frame for a response when corresponding with a potential job applicant. Given this, I was apparently a little hasty in posting the last Spamtastic Adventures update and declaring that my alter ego, Roger Garrison, would continue to remain jobless. The fine people at Oxford Fabrics must have knowledge that I do not.

Less than 24 hours after I had given up all hope of employment, my application to Oxford Fabrics was accepted and an email arrived in my inbox stating confirmation of such. The ball was back in my court and I wasn't about to let this one pass me by. Let's re-join the action now as Roger Garrison faces the monumental task of trying to get fired, since he's incredibly lazy and holding any kind of job simply wears him out.

From: "OXFORD FABRICA" [oxford.fabrica@btinternet.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: job update

ASHLEY FURNITURE AND COMPANY

Office Address: 440 West 200 South, Suite 500 , SLC UT 84101
Phone Number: (858) 9520914

Thank you for your willingness to be our company coordinator we need your trust and honesty, immediate verification has been made on your address and all we require is to get an acknowledgment from you that you have received these email so that we can immediately give you commencement modalities and the tracking number which your first assignment payments from our clients will be delivered to your home on the company behave.

Mr fred staward

Copyright Ashley furniture 2008©

Success! Oxford Fabrics, a company founded on hard work and tradition has seen through all of my maneuvering for the true, qualified applicant that I am. All I have to do is reply back to this email accepting their offer and the riches will come rolling in. But, wait. Something doesn't look right and Roger has additional questions.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "OXFORD FABRICA" [oxford.fabrica@btinternet.com]
Subject: Re: job update

Hello Mr fred staward!

I absolutely love the lowercase styling of your name. So many people are caught up in the "proper English capitalization" hype and it's refreshing to know that not everyone immediately jumped on the bandwagon. I remember back in the early 1990's when wearing your pants backwards was cool. Honestly, that's just as stupid as having to hit shift AND THEN the letter you want to type out. Think of how much more free time you'd have if you didn't have to put up with that shit.

More power to you, sir!

Thank you for your willingness to be my email coordinator. I have met and spoken with so many different people from your company that sometimes it's hard to keep track. Do you know if I will be speaking with you directly from here on out or is there someone else that will be handling my account? Between you and me, I really wasn't too fond of Kelly Parker. He (She?) was all uppity; like being from Texas and working in the UK is really such a big deal. I'd like to smash that fucker in the head with a brick.

But I digress. I'm not a violent person -- it's just that my recent Quaalude addiction has started to take it's toll. You know, it's just so hard these days being unemployed. Jeremy is talking about kicking me out of the band, also. I can't believe his nerve. I'll show him when you and I start making some banging bucks with this job thing!

So, before we move on, I would like to definitely acknowledge that I have received this email and we can start up this money train. I will patiently be waiting by the mailbox for your package shipment. (What the hell are commencement modalities anyway?)

Also, I have some questions that you can hopefully clear up. If you're not the person that will be my handler, please pass this on to whomever is representing my account.

1) First, I thought that I was applying for a job with Oxford Fabrics but your email below says ASHLEY FURNITURE AND COMPANY. Is this some kind of subsidiary? If so, I totally get it. Once I start rolling in the cash thanks to your job, it might just be called ROGER GARRISON AND FURNITURE AND COMPANY. Ha ha, I'm just kidding, kind of.

2) In a previous email, it was stated that Oxford Fabrics was based in the UK. The address you list below is in the USA. Is this some kind of satellite office? If so, I love satellites. I own 20 of them and my neighbor Rex has satellite TV. Sometimes, when he makes me angry, I pee in his dish.

3) Seriously, what are commencement modalities?

Mister fred of lowercase land, if you could be so kind as to get back to me about the above questions, I am most eager to start our business relationship. I will admit that I do not like the taste of unemployment and your company (whichever one it is) has finally provided me the opportunity where I think I can really excel.

Looking forward to hearing back from you soon!

Saying Bye To The Poorhouse,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

Copyright Roger Garrison 2008©
Bringing professionalism back to email since 1996!

I think that from here on out, I am going to copyright every single one of my emails. It just seems like the right thing to do. However, I suppose it would have been too much to hope for a simple, straight reply back from these guys. You don't become a successful scam artist by answering questions!

From: "OXFORD FABRICA" [oxford.fabrica@btinternet.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: Re: job update

Dear candidate,
Greetings to you' how are you doing today and how is the wealther over there,i have been out of office for few days for a seminar in Japan so i did not have access to the internet computer to update you about the development of the first payment that should have been delivered to you in order to start working'the next payment have been reschedule to delivered to delivered before monday. i will email you the details to proceed when the payment delivered in the morning so watch out for the package and get back to me once delivery is confirmed.

Thanks for your honesty and assistant ' stay bless

Oh man, you shouldn't have done that. You wouldn't like Roger Garrison when he's angry. Or even when he's not. He's got horrible halitosis.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "OXFORD FABRICA" [oxford.fabrica@btinternet.com]
Subject: Re: job update

Dear oxford.fabrica at btinternet.com,

While I have up until this point been very congenial with you and your company and continued to remain excited at the prospect of us working together, I will admit that I am starting to have doubts about our relationship. I mean, you never call me when you say you'll call me and you stopped looking me in the eyes when we make love. Is that so much to ask for these days? Do you not find me attractive anymore?

I wrote you last time and asked a series of simple questions, all of which you either failed to answer or outright ignored. The fact that you come right out of the gate asking how I am and how the "wealther" is over here is just plain insulting. Then you have the nerve to continue on, bragging about how you just got back from spending time in Japan.

WELL, FUCK YOU.

I have a terrible medical condition that causes me to break out in hives whenever I see, hear, or think about the word Japan. That you could be so callous towards your newest employee in such a cruel manner is simply astounding. It makes me wonder how you treat the rest of your employees. I bet that instead of giving out Christmas bonuses, you simply douse the employee with gasoline and light them of fire. (I will admit that if I was running my own company, I would probably do this so if you're not doing it, don't start because I'm going to patent the idea and sue the ever-living shit out of you if you do.)

So, you're trying to tell me that you spent a few days in Japan and didn't have access to the one computer that has the internet on it? I'm not buying it. They invented that shit, you know. There are Japanese babies that have more internet in their spittle than some third world countries. Face it, you were over there getting some kind of erotic massage from a preteen dressed as Hello Kitty while watching videos on tentacle rape.

You are a sick, sick man.

Yeah, I got your damned payment. The one that was "delivered to delivered before monday." Nice wrapping job. My neighbors thought it was porno mags and now they'll probably tell my landlord. Chances are I will be evicted now because he's a total Mormon douche and he hates it when I throw all of my kinky orgy parties.

So, you can email me as many updates about developments that you want because I ain't buying. I was ready to call you Miss Jones because I thought that we had a good thing going on but I guess not. I'm probably just the next in a long line of hussies that you plan to bring over for one night stands.

Well, Roger Garrison don't play like that. Roger Garrison is about to Fed Ex you some commencement modalities all up in your face! I have studied the ways of the Shaolin monks and I am an expert in Tiger Style. Your days are numbered pal, just like my offshore bank account that contains my millions you won't be able to have. I was ready to give myself to you with no prenuptial. Kanye West warned me and I didn't listen.

I'm not saying that you're a gold digger but I am saying that you ain't getting none of this!

Still, having said all of that, I'm looking forward to hearing back from you soon because I really do miss our long talks after the sun went down and how you used to whisper periodic elements in my ear. Until then, I'll be wrapped up in my Oxford Fabric sample kit, staying warm with hope and thinking about you.

Keepin' It 75% Real,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

If this were a choose your own adventure book, chances are high that either that would have been the end of the journey, or you get to go to page 115 where you get something unexpected and then you die. Thankfully, this isn't one of those.

From: "OXFORD FABRICA" [oxford.fabrica@btinternet.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: WARNING!!!

Good day,
We just confirmed that payment that was sent to you from our customer in the US has been received and since then we havent heard from you,what's going on? Our representative said he hasnt received any transaction from you. Please if you have the money go ahead and send it right away.

If we dont hear from you in the next 24hrs,we are going to go ahead and take drastic measures by forwarding your info to the FBI to investigate you.

Regards,
Mr fred staward

Oh no, not the FBI! Whatever will Roger do!?

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "OXFORD FABRICA" [oxford.fabrica@btinternet.com]
Subject: Re: WARNING!!!

Hi fred,

It's good to hear from you again. I'm not sure which of your idiot employees contacted me last time and started bragging about his international business trips but as I mentioned in one of my original emails, I don't have a passport and frankly I find his attitude to be a little condescending. It's good to be able to speak with someone again who is a little more level-headed. Honestly, I would look into firing whoever that was that spoke with me last. It's just not good business sense. Unless that person was you. Maybe you were just having a bad day or something.

If so, I totally understand because one time I walked into my ex-boss's office and started choking him with his own belt. He didn't die or anything but he pretty much left me alone after that and by "left me alone" I mean fired me and had me arrested. But I would never do anything like that to you because we're totally cool.

Which does bring up a good point made by me just now. If we're so "totally cool" as I put it, why the hell do you have to get all "let's bring the FBI into this because you took our money and ripped us off and we're wondering why you're not a good employee" and stuff?

First of all, I did get your money but I spent it already so I don't have it anymore. Thus, I can't give it to your representative.

Secondly, the joke is on you because I live in the USA and the FBI has no jurisdiction here. So, feel free to call them all you want. Heck, you can even ask for Agent Johnson. I don't actually know him but I assume that there is at least one Agent Johnson that they can connect you to. After that, they'll all just laugh at you.

Let's just get this straight right now: Roger Garrison is his own man and he does what he wants. If you send me money orders and tell me to cash them, maybe I don't feel like doing that. (I did, though.) If you tell me to wire that cash to someone else, maybe I don't feel like doing that. (I didn't.) If you want to continue to send me money and provide meaningless instructions attached to it, that's your own damn fault. Roger Garrison is a lot of things but "bitch" is not one of them. However, "jerk" and "asshole" are. Also, "stellar employee who should totally be hired again."

So, anyway Fred, I hope we're still on for lunch next week. Your treat, of course, because I'm broke. Let me know when we can hook up again in the future and make mad cash. Well, where I make mad cash. You just get mad, it seems.

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

With Purchased Regards,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

Regardless of whether they choose to write me back further, I think that I have fully explored all possibilities with the fine folks of Oxford Fabrics. Or Ashley Furniture, whichever it really is that hired me. It's such a shame too because I really felt a connection there. Oh well, at least I get to use them as a reference on my resume because I can only assume that employment possibilities on the internet are as endless as they are fake. Until next time, my friends, this is Roger Garrison, unemployable and unashamed.