With Valentine's Day right around the corner, this is the time of year where radio and televisions commercials talk non-stop about the fact that if you don't have anyone to buy roses and a Zales diamond for, you're pretty much just a pathetic loser who is going to die alone. And while we'd like to consider this kind of shallow feelings-based money grab an American thing, the truth is that lonely people exist all over the world -- they're just usually too preoccupied with civil unrest and protesting stuff to do anything about it.

All of the above probably helps to explain the huge influx in relationship-related spam that I have been receiving lately. Many of these come attached with long sob stories about people living in a country that I couldn't find on a map and I have to admit that they get pretty old after a while. If you've seen one poor person, you've seen them all and if that one poor person that you saw got a little too close, you also realize just how hard it is to get the "poor smell" off your nice suit. It's that kind of shit that makes me dislike anyone making less than six figures. Per hour.

But as I was paying my assistant to mass-delete anything in my quarantine folder, one email stood out for its brevity and simplicity. She had one name and promised to send a picture. She was single and just wanted a chance to know me. "Take a number," I muttered before it dawned on me just how heartless I was being to myself and the imaginary personalities that live inside my brain. You see, while it's quite obvious that I live a life of luxury and envy, the same cannot said for my alter-ego, Roger Garrison, whom I sent off some months ago to do something that I can't remember. It wasn't really important, which is why I didn't go myself.

That said, I know that Roger has tried to find true love in the past but a happy conclusion eluded him. Was the time right for him to jump back into the scene and try again? The only way to find out for sure is to just do the damn thing, which is why I forwarded Roger the below email and started his journey.

From: "oldham" [sunsy_oldham@w.cn]
Subject: HELLO

Hello ,
Good day, My name is Sunsy 26yrs single girl,from Sierra Leone in West Africa. Presently residing in Ouagadougou (Burkina Faso) I will love to know you. Upon your reply I will tell you more about myself and send you my picture.

Love Sunsy

Wow, if only meeting single women who want to get to know you better was this easy off the internet. It would have saved me a ton of money on my roofie bill. Anyway, pretty standard stuff so far. Write me back and I will tell you more and by "more" I imagine that to mean a bunch of really depressing but made-up stuff about your life.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: sunsy_o@w.cn
Subject: Re: HELLO

Dearest Sunsy,

Thank you for contacting me! I was just sitting here in my office, staring at my completely empty inbox, wondering if love was ever in the cards for me and BOOM, there you come, flying out of the clouds with two alligators strapped to your feet saying shit like "I will love to know you." To be honest, that is like some straight-up David Copperfield stuff right there. The magician, not the novel. Unless the book is also about a magician? I don't know; I never bothered to learn to read.

But I apologize for getting so excited. I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Roger Garrison and as you might have already figured out, I'm a pretty lonely fellow. I don't have a lot of friends and I very rarely get any email, so it's nice to finally have the chance to converse with someone. The fact that you are a single girl makes it that much more enjoyable. It also explains why my hands are sweating as I type this email because I'm pretty socially awkward and I have a hard time saying what is on my mind. By "hard time" I mean writing extremely long emails to people I don't know. If that doesn't make any sense to you, I know what you mean.

I don't want to bore you (yet) with my life story. Not on our first date, anyway. (This is considered a date, right? Because I just told my cat I was on a date and she's pretty happy for me.) Hopefully, with this reply to you, you will tell me more about yourself and send me pictures, instead of just ignoring me like all the "normal" girls do. Once my basement is finished, they won't be laughing much after that.

Anyway, I absolutely cannot wait to hear back from you, to hear all about where you live and to see pictures of you. I'm asking nicely right now that you don't go back on your word. I really dislike when people do that so I hope for your sake that we chat very soon!

With Stalking Affection,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

A somewhat soft first volley back, largely because the original email didn't leave me a whole lot to work with. This is more of a mechanism to get to her story and picture but adding just enough sarcasm for her to learn to ignore. If you start small, she'll be able to look past the larger stuff later. That's what true love is all about.

From: "sunsy oldham" [sunsy_o@w.cn]
To: roger@4kb.com
Subject: FROM MISS SUNSY

Dearest Roger,

Thank you very much for your Urgent mail. I am very glad to read through your mail this morning i am admired with you. Let me write you my biography.

I was born in Sierra Leone in West Africa. I am a single girl of 26 years and i do not have kids. But i am presently living in Ouagadougou-Burkina Faso,l which is neighboring country to my country due to the civil war and crisis in my Country Sierra Leone. I am presently residing here in Burkina Faso, as a result of the civil war that was fought in my country some years ago.

My late father was a politician and the managing director of a Gold & Mine Ind in Sierra Leone before the rebels attacked our house one early morning and killed my father in cold blood. It was only me that is alive now and i managed to make our way to near by country Burkina Faso, where i am living now as a refugee through United Nation Security Agency.

I would like to know more about you. Your likes and dislikes, your hobbies and what you are doing presently. I really want to have a good relationship with you, Once again, A relationship of deep feeling that will construct a mutual understanding. I will tell you more about myself in my next mail.

Attached here is my picture and i will like to see yours,

Hoping to hear from you soon .
Yours in love,
Sunsy

Trust me, as much as it hurt your eyes and brain to read the above email, you should have seen it before I cleaned it up somewhat. It's these kind of sacrifices that I make for you, the reader. I don't talk about them a lot but that's just the kinds of things that I do. I'm a nice guy like that.

Anyway, here is the picture she sent:



Looks like she could be right up Roger's alley.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: sunsy_o@w.cn
Subject: Re: FROM MISS SUNSY

A-Yo Sunsy! What up girl!

I hope it's OK that I opened up the email like that. Once I saw your picture and learned that you were, um, of the darker persuasion, I went onto youtube and searched for things that hip-hop people would say because I wanted to make you feel right at home. Sorry if I offended you. I don't really talk like that. I'm more of a renaissance man and I'd say shit like, "to my fairest true lady whom ye heart I hold dear," but that tends to scare anyone away who isn't completely retarded so I decided to switch my game up a little. You know what? Maybe we can just move past that.

I can't begin to describe how happy I am that you replied to my email so quickly. It's such a rare occasion that any woman in her right mind willingly spends more than five minutes talking to me, unless I'm forking over money per hour to the guy she shows up at my hotel room with. Not sure what his deal is since he just goes into the bathroom and peeks his head out every now and then. Kind of creepy but since we're just talking and not doing anything nasty, I don't mind. Maybe one day he'll join in the conversation. I don't have much experience with people who wear leopard coats and gold chains but maybe they know a thing or two about molecular biology. He's probably just shy like I am.

Thank you so much for including your picture. I'll freely admit that I've already "finished" three times since your email arrived. You are one nice looking lady. Your legs look like you could snap my neck with one of those wrestling moves but maybe if we ever see each other and "get busy" I can ask you to be nice and gentle with me. As much as I would like to be a stallion, I'm pretty sure that I am just a gelding or whatever the hell baby horses are called. Also, just to get it out there, I am definitely not hung like a horse. I mean, not even close. I'm almost at negative dick at this point. But, uh, if you're cool with all that, then so I am.

Per your request, I attached a picture of myself along with this email.



You know, probably not my best angle but it's just me and my cat chillin'. Just really keeping it real, you know? That's pretty much the only way I know how to keep it so take it or leave it, sister. When I'm not taking glamor shots in my church clothes with my cat, I'm probably either surfing the internet or playing Dungeons and Dragons. Do you ever play role-playing games? You would make a good orc because of your size. Not racist. If you'd like, I can create you a character to play during our next "intense" gaming session. I'll let you know how you do. I think Keith is going to host the game at his house this time and it's pretty rad. You know, probably just going to dungeon crawl and level up for a while before we really get serious.

Anyway, after reading your email, it sounds like you've been through some pretty tough times. I went through some tough times also. I mean, nothing like my father being murdered and having to flee the country but this one weekend not too long ago, my internet service was out for almost 72 hours. Can you believe that? That was fucking tough to deal with. Don't they know that I have important business to do online? I have emails to check and forums to post on. On this one, I've got over 1500 posts and that makes me a gold star member. I'm one of three. Every time I think about how I did that, I want to high-five myself. Man, I can be amazing sometimes.

But, you know, it's not all good times over here either. Maybe, just maybe, now that I have been able to reach out and connect with you, we can work together to make a brighter tomorrow for both of us. I'm really trying not to get ahead of myself here but I'm starting to sense a real connection between us. It's something magical, like a level 5 fireball spell. Hopefully you feel the same. You just say the word and I will totally change my Facebook relationship status from "so horribly lonely" to "might be attached but still willing to schling a schlong on the side."

I can't wait to hear more about you!

With Tremendous Disease,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

With that, the electronic fishing pole of love has cast its bait into the water and now the fisherman has nothing to do but sit back and wait for something to bite. Will this finally be the time Roger meets the girl of his dreams? Probably not. Will she continue to respond with babbling incoherency and poorly-typed emails? Absolutely.

Stay tuned for the next installment.