Despite all of our planet's issues and problems, there remains something to be said about strangers helping out strangers, even if those strangers exist solely to scam the other stranger out of his hard-earned money. Scamming people also hard work so who's not to say that one is more entitled to the money than the other? Certainly not me because that's some straight-up hardcore economics deep thought shit right there and it's Monday so my brain doesn't work very well right now. I do all of my financial thinking on Thursday.

Fresh off his recent denial of internet riches, my alter ego Roger Garrison is back and just as unemployed as ever. When the latest and greatest job offer passed through his inbox, he couldn't wait to jump on the application bandwagon. Desperate times call for desperate measures and this fool has like 15 kids to feed.

So, without too much more to say, let's get down to business:

From: "OXFORD FABRICS AND TEXTILES INDUSTRY LTD" [oxford.fabrica@fabrics.net]
Subject: ONLINE CLERK

OXFORD FABRICS AND TEXTILES INDUSTRY LTD

URGENT PART-TIME JOB OPPORTUNITY

My name is kelly parker a Texan working in London, I want to know if You would like to work online from home and get paid without affecting your present job .. Actually we need a representative who can work for our company as online book-keeper. : Please note you don't have to be a book keeper to apply for the job.

Kindly get back to me as soon as possible if you are interested in this

We make lot of supplies to some of our clients in the USA/CANADA,australia,spain ..etc which our staff do go to USA/CANADA to receive payment and have it cashed after we supply them raw materials. Its always too expensive and stressful for us to go down and receive such payment twice in a month so we therefore decided looking for online clerk who can work for us from the UK, USA, CANADA,HOLLAND ,AUSTRALIA, ETC. I am willing to pay you 15% for every payment received by you from our clients who makes payment through you. Just incase you are concerned about how i got to your contact, it was through the American Chamber of Commerce for trust worthy individuals,

PLEASE SEND YOUR REPLY ASAP TTESTATION relpy to oxford.fabrica@gmail.com

According to how you have been briefed earlier by a qualified representative of this establishment. You are required and mandated to receive payment on behalf of the above mentioned firm. You are to deduct 10% of all funds processed on a particular order and forward the balance payment to any of
"OXFORD FABRICS AND TEXTILES " Group regional warehouses that will be given to you later.

You will notify the company a week ahead if eventually you want to discontinue this job so as to terminate all payment coming your way to avoid conflict...

PLEASE REPLY BACK AND IF YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED, KINDLY REPLY WITH A REASON OR IGNORE THIS E-MAIL.

kelly parker

I actually took the time to re-format the above email prior to posting it here since it was an abomination of misplaced line breaks and oddly-out of place punctuation. In other words, pretty standard for a spam email. But who lets a little bad grammar get in the way of a good scam?

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: oxford.fabrica@gmail.com
Subject: RE: ONLINE CLERK

Hello Kelly Parker!

My name is Roger Garrison and it appears that luck has finally smiled on me. Late last week, I received your email below containing an offer for employment. Considering that I recently lost my job, I don't think that the timing of your offer could be better.

Let me give you some background.

I used to work for a large Fortune Cookie 500 company but due to economic downsizing in the "picking random numbers and calling them lottery picks" department, they no longer had need for my services.

Needless to say, this didn't make my wife very happy but the disappointment isn't what killed her.

She was recently involved in a terrible auto accident when the car that I was driving drove into the side of a building. Had I not manged to jump out of the car 30 seconds before that and jerk the wheel in the direction of the building, I could also have been seriously injured. Like I said, it would seem that luck is finally coming my way.

In her will, she stated that I should go out and look for another job but that I shouldn't be lazy and do it the old-fashioned way through interviews and what not. So, in accordance with her wishes, I sat and did nothing until I received your offer.

Now, I am ready to work!

Please send me the most information that you have concerning your recent offer as I am more than willing to start right away. My wife's passing has left me with a nice little inheritance, which I can use to sit at home all day and dedicate myself to working with your company.

Thank you very much and I look forward to hearing back from you soon!

Best Regards,
Roger Garrison

A soft volley with a little dead wife mixed in for sympathy. I'm fairly certain that these spammers don't read too much into the initial reply and are simply eager to fire off some kind of pre-written company info/application email but it's better to err on the side of being safe and not go too over the top. I like saving that for the second and third emails.

From: "OXFORD FABRICA" [oxford.fabrica@btinternet.com]
To: roger@4kb.com
Subject: job description and job application form

OXFORD FABRICS AND TEXTILES INDUSTRY LTD

ONLINE JOB OFFER

From: Mr BILLY GRUNER

***YOUR TASK IS TO CO-ORDINATE PAYMENTS FROM CUSTOMERS AND HELP US WITH THE PAYMENT PROCESSING***

COMPANIES PROFILE

Oxford fabrics and textiles industry ltd is a credible and reputable textiles
company in the United Kingdom . The company has been delivering and serving the entire community of Uk and other part of the world through furnishing and costuming of homes and offices with the world best furniture. We supply most of our products to different part of the world from Africa , Asia , Middle east , Caribbean etc. we produce clothing materials such as batiks, assorted fabrics and traditional costume worldwide.We also produce fabrics textiles, home wart, Ward robe , Shelves , Room dividers etc.

CONCEPT BEHIND THE JOB OFFER

The management of the company decided to create jobs for interested candidate to apply respectively into different work category. Oxford fabrics Company has an increase in demand which tend to increase the supply we carry out daily and as a result of this situation, there is a 10% increase in the sales as the year is coming to end. The management as therefore decides to increase the work force, so that the company will be able to satisfy clients faster and more efficiently. These part-time jobs are open for candidate in the united kingdom, canada, united states of America & Australia

JOBS OFFERED/VACANCY

* SALES REPRESENTATIVE [FULL-TIME]
* ONLINE TRANSACTION MONITORING OFFICER [PART-TIME]
* PAYMENT MANAGERS [PART-TIME]

JOB REQUIREMENTS

* Candidate must posses a minimum of a high school degree.
* Candidate must be more than the age of 22.
* Candidate must be conversant with the use of the internet and Microsoft word.
* Candidate must be productive and be goal oriented.

PAYMENT PLAN FOR EMPLOYEE

We pay in 3 methods, depending on any one that suit the worker, the payment are listed below.
--FLEXIBLE WEEKLY PAY.
--MONTHLY PAYMENT.
--PAYMENT BY COMMISSION.
ONLINE TRANSACTION WILL EARN 700 pounds weekly.
PAYMENT MANAGERS WILL EARN 600-800 pounds AFTER EVERY PAYMENT BY CLIENT.

CONTACT DETAILS
1. FULL NAMES....
2. HOME ADDRESS NOT PO BOX ........
3. ZIPCODE ..........
4. CITY....................
5 STATE.... .......
6 EMAIL ..........
7. PHONE NUMBER ..........
8. CURRENT OCCUPATION.....
9. Country...............

oxford fabrics (Sales and Customer Service)

Best Regards
Mr BILLY GRUNER

Copyright oxford fabrics 2008©

The copyright notice at the bottom is a nice touch but Roger is eager to fill out his application and get this job offer thing rolling. Well, not so eager that he can't fill out another three pages of bullshit before applying. That's just Roger's style.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "OXFORD FABRICA" [oxford.fabrica@btinternet.com]
Subject: Re: job description and job application form

Hello Mr BILLY GRUNER.

My name is Roger Garrison and I am pleased to make your electronic acquaintance. I received an email last week from Kelly Parker informing me of this wonderful opportunity with your company and as I stated previously, I am more than happy to help out.

First, however, I would like to apologize for taking so long with my reply. I'm not usually this behind in correspondence, especially when related to such awesome things as job opportunities. You see, I had a little trouble with my "hired help" this week. I caught them sneaking into my liquor cabinet during work hours so I beat them severely with a wooden cane that I keep around for such occasions. They didn't care for that too much and the next thing I know, immigration is involved and the whole nine yards. It took like $30,000 in bribes to keep them from shutting me down. It helps to know how to grease the wheels sometimes (not talking about masturbation here, either).

So, anyway, I am very excited about the prospect of working with you. Oxford Fabrics and Textiles Industry Ltd sounds like a credible and reputable textiles company in the United Kingdom and that just so happens to be what I'm looking for. I love the idea of costuming homes and offices and I don't even know what that means!

I see that you have offices all over the globe, so I suppose that I should mention up front that I don't have a passport. I hope that this does not immediately disqualify me from working for you. I know a few people on the street that can get me one pretty quickly if I need it. It should pass minimal scrutiny.

From your email below, you mention that you have a few positions open. Since I am completely indecisive, I have no idea which one I want. Maybe you can sign me up for all three? I can get some of my illegals who tend to my landscape in on this too. Make it a family affair. (They're not really my family but, you know, sometimes I do buy them Christmas gifts.)

So, please let me know which one I may be suited best for.

To prove that I am qualified, let me go over your JOB REQUIREMENTS one by one and we can get this party started.

* Candidate must posses a minimum of a high school degree.

- Minimum of one? I possess three high school degrees with a fourth one on the way. I also graduated from dental school in the early 90's.

* Candidate must be more than the age of 22.

- All of my friends like to say that I am 45 going on 27. Whatever that means.

* Candidate must be conversant with the use of the internet and Microsoft word.

- Let me just say that I love the word usage here. Conversant -- genius! But yeah, I can totally use Word and the internet. (Not at the same time though, since I have a really slow computer.)

* Candidate must be productive and be goal oriented.

- Hell yeah! I once finished off an entire bottle of scotch while playing soccer. I was the top scorer on my team.

Mr BILLY GRUNER, hopefully I have satiated your need to look at my requirements. There is no doubt in my mind that I am a superior choice as a candidate and you should not hesitate to let me assist your company.

I have filled out the application below, so please keep me posted on how things proceed.

CONTACT DETAILS

1. FULL NAMES: Roger "Ron" Paul Garrison
2. HOME ADDRESS NOT PO BOX: 762 Sutter St
3. ZIPCODE: 94109
4. CITY: San Francisco
5 STATE: CA
6 EMAIL: roger@4kb.com
7. PHONE NUMBER: 1 415-893-1641
8. CURRENT OCCUPATION: Day Trader
9. Country: USA

Thank you and I look forward to hearing back from you soon!

With Love,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

This is always where things get tricky. Chances are good that by now they know I'm not serious about the job. However, I did go the extra mile and actually fill out the contact form this time around. Maybe that's all they are looking for. Could this be the end of the employment saga? No.

From: "OXFORD FABRICA" [oxford.fabrica@btinternet.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: Re: job description and job application form

Hello Mr Roger

i am sorry for getting intouch with you late .. i travel out on a business trip to get some funds from canada now i am so happy you can work for our company. we have recieved your private information to our private company email ... i have attempted to reach out to you using phone but something is not working ... please advise.

Considering that I filled out the application form with only my 100% true and accurate contact information, I can't imagine what the problem might be. Let's see what Roger has to say about it.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "OXFORD FABRICA" [oxford.fabrica@btinternet.com]
Subject: Re: job description and job application form

Hello Strange Internet Man With No Name!

I was also just on a business trip to get funds from Canada. What an amazing coincidence. I wonder if perhaps we were getting funds from the same place? I hope that your trip was more successful then mine. I was in Vancouver at one of the grocery stores that they have there. I politely asked for funds and the woman refused so I started yelling "jihad" and I stabbed that bitch in the eye. Everyone knows that you better not withhold funds from Roger Garrison. That kind of shit will get you killed quick. So, if you happened upon a woman with one eye in Vancouver, then we were definitely getting funds from the same place.

Anyway, thank you for trying to contact me. Your efforts are most appreciated. I have written a letter to the company that gave me that number asking them for help. I expressed that I had a urgent need to speak to someone I didn't know and that they had better help me out.

I received their reply back today and they mentioned that I would need a device called a "telephone" stuck into my walls before I would be able to get calls from strange men. I have no idea what a telephone is but it sounds like some kind of NSA spy device designed to steal my brain cells. Ain't no way in hell I am getting ANY device like that. That black President guy can take my guns but he can't have my brain cells!

I think maybe we should keep talking over email. That way, if my dead wife comes back from the grave, she won't think that I am cheating on her because she's too dumb to know how to read stuff on the computer.

So.. anyway, just sitting here still unemployed, so if you could hurry up and hire me, I would appreciate it. I really don't think you want to upset Roger Garrison. Roger Garrison will hunt you down Rambo style. Roger Garrison sits outside of your office building wearing nothing but a head band and carrying a bow and arrow.

Please don't let it come to that.

Tastes Like Chicken,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

I have been waiting patiently but, alas, no further correspondence has been forthcoming. Will Roger Garrison ever find a job? You'll just have to stay tuned for the next episode to find out.