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Spamtastic Adventures #6
08.27.2009 | 1:11 PM

Author: RP
Score: 3.5/5 (2 Votes)

A 14th century king was once quoted as saying, "I would pass on all my land and title for the mere hint of true love." Aside from the fact that I completely made that up, the rest is entirely true and the point is as valid now as it was three seconds ago when I created it. Love is a complicated matter and it's no surprise that deep within each of us as human beings lies a burning desire to love and be loved. Some people spend their entire lives searching for that special someone while others, like myself, find perfection on the very first try. But if the Mormon religion has taught me anything, aside from the idea that magic glasses are awesome, it's that there is no point in settling for just one person to love and lawfully marry, which leads us into the discussion of Olga.

Olga is a young, single woman from Russia who is not only on a quest to find love, she is on a quest to find love OVER THE INTERNET from people she's never met. She's also probably not real. But a minor fact like that isn't enough to stop Roger from striking up a conversation. Join us below as try and unravel the mysteries behind internet dating and importing brides from Russia. I should note that this update series is going to be LONG. I have no idea how many chunks I am going to have to break it up in but I'm probably at three full updates already and there is still communication on-going. What can I say, she likes to talk. So, grab some popcorn or a bottle of water or whatever before you start reading. I don't want you dying mid-way through.

Let's see how this whole thing started:
From: Marriage Agency []
Subject: You don't know me..

Hello. My name is Olga. I understand that you don't know me, and I don't know you, but in the future all can change probably. I ask that you have given me some minutes on perusals of my letter. I hope that it will not make difficulty to you. Marriage agency in Kanash gave me your e-mail address. To me explained that you very good person and you very much approach to me. I have come to Agency to find the future husband from other country. Why from another country? Because I have been very much disappointed with Men from my country and now I search my life in abroad.

I has tired to be lonely and to carry spend all days equally. I want to love and to be happy! I asked myself a question why I can not it. And I come in this agency with such the request that they have helped me to find the person for that I will happy. Yes certainly I have paid some money that has found the person for me. But what is it the money in comparison with love? Nothing. It is simply emptiness. Love is the most important feeling in a life, without which our lives grey and empty. I shall not speak how many I have paid. I hope that you will understand me. I very much hope that you will be interested in me and we can continue our dialogue after that letters.

And I very much hope that I shall leave in yours opinion good Impression about me. I want to tell some words about me. As I already spoke my name is Olga I'm 26 years. I live in Kanash. You can look my external qualities in my photo which I have attached in the letter. I live with my mum together and I work as doctor the Dentist and I treat a teeth to people. I have gone studies on this profession, in order to help people. I look like on my father because he gave your life to rescue the little girl, and he has rescued he only he lost. I shall tell you about it later. I love my professional though In Russia it is not as well appreciated as in other foreign countries.

I love an active way of life but time not suffices. In my life I dream to find the person with which I can to lead all life and I shall be happy. I dream about big and cheerful, friendly family. I don't search ideal man. The main thing that in him there were high qualities as skill to love, to respect, to appreciate relations, to love children and is skilful to love and make the happy partner. For me the age does not matter because the love has not limit.

I very much hope that you will write to me and will tell about yourself. I am already lonely very long time. I had earlier shot relations but it was failed. I very much hope that you become my unique person in my life. So let's not lose time. I ask you that you have answered my letter and then we can learn each other better. I hope that I have liked to you. If serious relations aren't interesting to you or I am not pleasant to you, say me it please. Is it well?

I very much ask that you have answered to me only to e-mail Marriage Agency:

I shall wait from you the letter with the big impatience! Bye bye!
Tired from loneliness Olga
Here is the picture that Olga attached to her email.

(click for big)

Also, if you think the above letter was hard to read, you should have seen it in the original form. Olga doesn't know the meaning of line breaks or paragraphs, so the entire thing was one huge wall of text. I spaced it into sections in an effort stop your eyeballs from bleeding. The grammar simply can't be helped though.

These kinds of letters, while wonderful to receive, usually yield little to nothing in reply but it never hurts to send out a Garrison volley and see if they bite.
From: Roger Garrison []
Subject: Re: You don't know me..

To my dearest Olga,

My name is Roger Garrison and I am pleased to make your acquaintance!

I understand now that you understand that I understand that I don't know you but I want you to understand that I understand now that after reading your letter, I would really like to get the chance for us to learn more about each other. While I really don't appreciate the fact that the Kanash marriage agency is just handing out my personal details all willy-nilly, I will admit that you sound like a very nice Doctor Dentist. I wasn't aware that such a position existed but with these hard economic times, one has to look to diversifying in order to survive. I mean, you never know when someone might go in for a root canal but also have a broken arm. In that kind of scenario, you really can't afford to wait to treat both symptoms.

I checked out the picture that you attached to your email and I must say that you are very pretty. You totally have that "hey, look at me standing by a fountain" thing going on which I have to admit is very sexy. I would have liked to see more activity in the background but I guess beggars can't be choosers. For example, you know, if there was something like a 12-year old boy riding a donkey and he was just kind galloping through the scene not really paying attention, that would have been very awesome. (I am really into boys riding donkeys by the way.) I also noticed that the bottom of the fountain was kind of dirty. Does Kanash not have city workers to clean up that kind of thing? I will admit that it doesn't take away from your beauty but it is kind of distracting because I am just trying to fantasize about you but the fountain is all, "pay attention to me because I am a dirty little fountain" and I get conflicted. I don't think it makes me gay if I fantasize about a fountain.

But look at me prattle on. I haven't even told you anything about me, yet! As I mentioned above, my name is Roger Garrison and I live in San Francisco, California. I am also 26 years old so it seems like we might be a great match in that department. I am single and looking for a wonderful woman to share my life with. I hold a number of different jobs but I only do so out of boredom because I already have plenty of money. I write a little bit on the side and also I do some payment processing for an art distributor based in India. Just some side work to keep me off the meth. Idle hands are the devil's playground. I used to do some work for a furniture company but it turned out that they were just a bunch of scammers and they were just trying to take all of my money. I hate people like that.

I spend some of my spare time practicing karate to keep in shape. I know some pretty sweet moves that I can use to defend your honor and stuff if we're ever up against trouble. I also like watching sports, especially things like men's volleyball because they are often not wearing shirts and it's the next best thing to watching a gay rodeo with a bucket of ice cream. My favorite flavor is Hersey's Highway. I could just eat that stuff for days.

It sounds as though you have had a very rough life. Being all alone sucks. I mean, you want nothing more than to talk to someone about it but because you have no friends, you turn to writing My Little Pony fan fiction to pass the time. I would love to hear more about your father because he sounds like a very cavalier fellow. I mean, giving my life to rescue the little girl only to find out he lost is a hard thing to swallow. (It's also an even harder thing to understand because I have no idea what you were trying to say in that sentence.)

I would very much like to talk with you some more, Olga. We can get to know each other better and perhaps, you know, move things forward in our relationship.

I look forward to hearing back from you.

With a patient heart,
Roger Garrison
I never get my hopes up with the first email. At the start of each adventure, you have no idea about the caliber of person on the other end and what their ultimate goal is. If you're too over-the-top in the first email, they don't reply. If you're not over-the-top enough, then it's just boring to read. This is a very fine line that I walk every day and I don't think that I get enough credit for it. I asked Bank Of America to extend me some but they declined. Fucking economy.

Anyway, blah blah. Olga wrote back. Go read it.
From: Olga [internet-cafe] []
To: Roger []
Subject: Hello my the foreign friend!

Hello my friend Roger!

I am very glad to write to you the letter. And I feel myself not habitually because I didn't write the letter before to the person from other country. I don't know how to start write the letter to you. Now I am very glad that we can make the acquainted and to start communicate with you. I did not think that I shall make the acquainted with the person who lives so far from me. but it should be made because I have got tired to be one. I am very glad, that we can get acquainted and find out each other better.

I want to tell you about me. I was born and grown in the city of Kanash in Russia. It isn't big but very beautiful city on the river Volga. I'm 26 years and my birthday on 10 October. I have green eyes, chestnut hair, my growth 170 centimetres. I want to tell that I open woman for all conversations. My former relations were short with the man from Russia. I was disappointed very strongly with him because he has betrayed me. I shall tell you in the next letters more details about it.

I ask to excuse me if I shall not write to you every day. Sometimes I shall write to you after 1 - 2 days. I hope that you understand me that it take a lot of time and force. I always in the form because I occupied with sports and like look well, but sometimes I haven't the time on it. To go, work as the teacher of English language for me studies during I study 5 years in university in order to work in school. To pay my university to me it was necessary to find work. Understand, I should not choose work and consequently I began to earn additionally in local shop. My parents could not pay my research, and I should work independently. From 5 years at school I were concern oneself with volleyball and were on city competitions.

I rejoice lives, but I couldn`t meet the love in the country and consequently have addressed to a site of acquaintances. And then I have met you, it is very interesting to carry on dialogue with you. I haven`t enough friends, they can be counted on fingers of one hand. These people understand and respect me. I want in the life is achieved in everything, that is necessary for the woman. But the main thing of mutual love and happiness.

I wish to ask you about your hobbies, about your work and about your life, simply I wish to understand what you is and as you live. It is very interesting to me. On it I think, that I will finish the letter and with the big impatience I will wait for your answer.

Your new friend Olga!!!
She attached additional pictures to this email, which are much larger and more boring than the one I already posted. If you really must see them, they are linked here and here. Pervert.

It's at this point that you realize you probably have the spammer on the hook. If they're able to look past some extremely obvious sarcasm, chances are good that they will probably look the other way at some more. So, maybe Roger steps his game up a little.
From: Roger Garrison []
To: Olga [internet-cafe] []
Subject: Re: Hello my the foreign friend!

Hello your new friend Olga!!!

I am so excited that you had the chance to write me back. I also want to apologize for not being able to write you back sooner. After opening my email and seeing your message, my heart literally skipped a beat. I figured that this probably wasn't very good for my health so I went to the doctor's office to get it checked out. He tried to get all frisky with me and stick a tongue depressor in my anus but I defended myself with all that karate that I know. He then offered me five dollars for my chocolate cherry but I told him that I met someone on the internet and that I was saving it for her. That person is you, Olga. You are the lucky one.

I have to admit that I, like you, used to be so tired from the loneliness but every since we starting exchanging emails, I am so pumped off the steroids of love that I could go smash a vending machine or something. I'm not a violent man but as a child, I was molested by a rogue vending machine under the guise of offering me free candy so I try to take out any excess frustrations on them whenever possible. I like to call this my "hulking out" time. I don't turn green or anything when I hulk out but I go blind in one eye and start coughing a lot. It's really not very pretty to be around so thankfully it only happens once a month or so.

I can't help but comment on the very interesting writing style that you seem to have acquired. I can really tell that those five years of English lessons really paid off. I just wish that I had paid more attention in school because then I might be able to decipher what style of English you're using. And don't sweat the 1 or 2 day wait between replies. I'm a patient man. Also, I realize that because of your Russian education, you're probably a very slow reader and it takes considerable time and skill to butcher common grammar with such mastery. Sometimes, it's like you're speaking in code.

Speaking of your replies, you are such a tease, Olga, It seems that with every new letter, you tell me about all of the stuff that you're going to tell me in your next letter, only you never do. Like, for example, in the last letter you told me that you were going to tell me all about your father and how he cost me my life saving the girl who got lost but sadly, you didn't mention him. Now, you promise me future tales of your former relations but I will admit that I remain skeptical if the past has taught me anything. I'm all for just laying everything out there and rolling with whatever comes next. I like relationships to be built on trust and honesty.

You see, because of my success as an American businessman, there are always people trying to come out of the woodwork looking for a handout or to scam me. I've put my love out on a line many times only to wind up getting burnt in the end. Thankfully, they've invented a new cream for gonorrhea but still, it's quite embarrassing. To help us get better acquainted, I have put a picture of myself online so that you can see what I look like. I hope that you don't laugh at me because I had just got done swimming so I don't look my best.

My picture:

If you feel that I am hideous and you don't want to write me back, I understand. Sometimes I put a bag over my head when I go out to eat so that people don't call me names like "Elephant man" and "Russell Crowe." I particularly hate that last one because I look nothing like the guy and I am infinitely more successful.

Olga, I hope very much to hear back from you soon. I am starting to think that we are really making a connection here and that brings a smile to my face. I wish you the best and safe travels to and from the internet cafe that bears your namesake.

Until next time, I wait.

With Onion Breath,
Roger Garrison
In the original email, I actually didn't attach the picture but only included a web link directly to it. The idea behind this was to try and grab the IP address from the web logs and maybe narrow down the actual location of whoever is sending the emails. (Thanks Hunter!) Much to my dismay, she never visited it. I guess some spam artists are smarter than they let on.

I really wanted to include another series of replies before ending today's edition of Spam Adventures but after a quick view, both are really long and I didn't want to risk dragging this update into the "too long; didn't read" territory. You're probably not reading this anyway but at least you won't blame it on being too long. You'll have to come up with some other excuse. I'm tired of doing all of the thinking for you.

Will Roger find true love? Does Olga secretly have a penis? You'll have to wait and find out! Join us again soon for the next installment of Spamtastic Adventures #6: The Search For Internet Booty.

Additional Commentary

I typed this entire update while wearing 3D glasses.

That was the only thing I was wearing.

I wish you could have been there to see it. It was glorious.

Perhaps you should stalk people more. I'm not trying to dictate what you do in your life. I'm just saying.

Link Of The Day

Saving Face

Contains some cuss words but stop being a pussy and watch it anyway.

User Comments On This Topic (1 Total)

RE: Spamtastic Adventures #6 (#1148)
By: Jimmy Pop on August 27, 2009 (1:45 PM) PST

I gave it a 3... I did so in anticipation of the next installment. That is all....