In case you missed the first update in the sixth installment of the adventures that are spamtastic, you should probably go back and read it because I'm not going to sit here and summarize it for you. I mean, I am all for the empowerment of people but this is just bordering on plain laziness. Go on, read it. I'll wait.

Are you finished? Good. Today we continue chatting with Olga, a nice woman from Russia who wants nothing more than tender love from one Roger Garrison. Things have started out slow like any good relationship should but I think it's safe to say that I am probably at the email equivalent of second base. If my previous relationships have taught me anything, however, things are about to go downhill from here. Cue lots of crying and apologies.

From: Olga [internet-cafe] [olgaaswa@yahoo.com]
To: Roger [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: Your new friend Olga will wait from you for letters!

Hi my friend Roger!

Was very glad to see your letter. It was very pleasant to receive again the letter from you. I hope, that you do not object to my questions which I now I shall set. Because that we continued between us the correspondence very important as far as the person can listen to you and turn to you attention. And so my first question, what I would like to know than you are engaged in general? Your work? Than particularly you are engaged? Your hobbies? What would you like to make in a life?

Why I ask on such with a kind simple questions attention. Because when you will start answer them I can to understand about you vital representation as you behave and in the life. I wanted you to inform, that I use services of the translator. And please I very much ask to be patient to me because when you ask any question and I do not answer on it I ask you that you to me about it have asked more particularly. Tell to me about the work? Than you are engaged? In how many you rise for the work? How far to be your work from your house? Roger I ask you do not set to me hasty questions I shall tell to you about me all but not at once. You learn about me all on a course of our correspondence.

Now I shall tell to you a little about the work. At once I shall tell, that it very much the tough job and demands the big attention in relation to other to people. I work as the therapist. And main my duty is service of the personnel that my patients were under correct supervision of their attending physicians. My fellow workers also are considered with me and with my correct decisions when to me my work is necessary to do. dear I to you wished to tell mine not much about myself. I was born also a vein in the family one. At me not when should brothers not sisters. Yes to me it was not much boring but to disappear to me was not where. I not when did not idle.

When I was at home I always engaged what be interesting business. I very much like to spend time on fresh air. I like to walk on park where full trees where silence and rest. I not when not that did not collect even itself I do not know why. My favourite color red. I wish to tell that I very much like to prepare. To me to like to spend time at a plate and to prepare for very tasty dishes. I very good cook so have told my mum. I know many tasty dishes. And for me at all the problem to prepare what be a dish. And in general my favourite meal is pel'menis a potato a baked pudding. And many other things.

At leisure I sometimes visit fitness club where I am engaged in maintenance of my figure. Sometimes in the evening we with mum simply sit and we talk also to us very well together. My mum very well person also was very very glad when I have told to her that I have got acquainted with you. My mum is confident that you very good person. In general to me not that that is sick to tell about the hobbies I live only work and the house and that I do at leisure already has told. I very much am interested in you you for me very good person and when we with you exchange letters to me very interestingly to read them.

It happens, that from my patients I should accept flowers as that their treatment has passed fruitfully and very successfully when they did not hope at all for such result. I watch that all was carried out in conformity with rules of the schedule from A and Z. You understand Roger, that I on the work should be firm with the patients and the personnel but when you are houses simply would like tenderness of love and caress from loved the man. Frequently when I am I am free on the days off like to read fiction. At me not so big library of a house and I frequently take books from city library to fill the life the fine moments. I do not like to waste time simply and never I do any acts before I shall not think of it well. Very important value which I adhere " Be dear and respect opinions of others (let even they do not deserve it) ".

Now you understand Roger why I have decided to write only to you? I respect opinion of other person and I think, that the criticism is a good thing which sets the person thinking that you do, and whether correctly you do it. I allow to you small representation about that what I there is actually that have a little understood, that I for the person. I hope, that you write to me and will tell to me more about myself directly. I ask you Roger do not set to me hasty questions all about myself I shall tell during our correspondence. I to you shall tell about myself all.

You are very interesting to me Thanks for your attention. On it I shall stop, and I shall write to you later.

Yours faithfully in all sincerity, Olga!

I warned you that some of these letters can get pretty long. I think she's one of the only spammers that can really match me in email length. Of course, half of her sentences don't make any sense but that's half the fun. I think.

At this point, it became obvious to me that I could step up my game a little and be more over the top than I have been. Honestly, if she can't accept me for who I am (and the people that I make up), then we really shouldn't be together in the first place. I think.

From: Roger Garrison [roger@4kb.com]
To: Olga [internet-cafe] [olgaaswa@yahoo.com]
Subject: Re: Your new friend Olga will wait from you for letters!

To my sweet camel Olga,

I will have to admit that I obtained quite the case of blue balls while waiting for your latest message. I guess waiting the 1 - 2 days between replies was harder than I thought. I tried to occupy my mind by calling up a local escort service that I know but once the girl arrived, I was so infuriated that it wasn't you that I made her dress up in clown make-up and sing "Happy Birthday" while I threw wine bottles at her head. It has become plain to me that no other woman will suffice but you, Olga and just before I thought I might explode, your message arrived. (And then I *really* exploded, if you know what I mean.)

I am sorry that I am so slow to send along my reply to you. Your email messages are so long and detailed and I have to wind up employing the help of my neighbor's son who is retarded to help me figure out what it is you mean. I spent three hours trying to figure it out on my own but my brain started to melt so I said "fuck it" and I went and made toast. Toast is delicious. When you come out to visit me, you can make me toast because your place is in the kitchen and not mouthing off. I have a muzzle you can wear if your push me. Seriously.

After reading your message, I am happy that you are interested in knowing more about me. The questions you asked were very well thought out and I am starting to wonder if I might be psychic because I answered all of them before you even asked. No, really, in the first email I sent you. Remember? The one where you said you would tell me about you father and shit? Yeah, you didn't do any of that. I'm not going to say that I am let down but I am whatever a synonym of being let down is. I've mentioned before that I hate repeating myself but what are sacrifices for if not for love? Let me try and tackle your questions in the order you asked.

Am I engaged? No. Well, I guess I am currently engaged in conversation with you but I don't quite think that is what you were talking about and besides, conversation never puts out. I don't really do much in the way of work. This is because I don't have to anymore. I made a ton of money off that Pets.com sock puppet thing during the dot com boom and I'm pretty much set for life. I basically just throw dinner parties and drive around in nice cars all day. Sometimes I even throw nice cars during my dinner parties but they have to be pretty special for me to do that. Lifting cars throws my back out.

Since I have so much free time, as you have probably imagined, I have a lot of hobbies to occupy my time. Since I am a completely awesome person, my interests are quite diverse. I'm pretty much into whatever fascinates me at the time. You know, one day I might rent a homeless person and ride him like a pony or I find myself trolling facebook and urging suicidal emo kids to stop being pussies and just go for it already. I really am a social butterfly. However, one of my favorite pastimes involves taking under-privildeged children to the bowling alley for a few games. Granted, I wind up using those same kids as my bowling balls but no one ever really gets seriously injured and they get a happy meal afterward if they don't whine too much. It's pretty much a win-win for everyone involved. As you can see, I am definitely a man of the people.

I sent you my picture in the last email and you didn't say anything about it in your reply so I hope you got a chance to check it out. I'm no super model like you, Olga but I am doing the best with what God gave me. I was topless and I hoped that would have really gotten your female parts motoring but maybe not. Speaking of pictures, I noticed that you mentioned your mom a lot in your reply. What do you think about this idea? Maybe you send me a picture of your mom also. If you have one of the two of you, that would be spectacular. She sounds like a real Russian cougar and my hand is down for some mental threesome action.

But, you know, that's probably enough about me. I would much rather spend the rest of this email critiquing your horrible existence. I noticed that in your first email, you mentioned that you were working as a Doctor Dentist but now you claim that you are a therapist. Are you like that Orly Taitz person who holds like 15 jobs all in accredited fields? If so, kudos to you. Otherwise, you're just a liar. (For the record, I find liars hot!) Also, I don't know how the rules work in Russia but in America, we're not allowed to just "take" books from the library. That shit is called stealing and it is against the law but I totally have a dark, criminal side too so all of your naughty talk is really starting to turn me on.

I think we are really making a solid connection here, Olga. I have met many persons over the internet in the past but you are someone who is clearly not a made-up persona in an attempt to swindle me out of something. I have told all of my friends about and they all think that I am nuts. They think that you can't be real. Well, they used to think that. I set one of them on fire after he mouthed off and now the rest don't talk to me much anymore. But, you are real, aren't you, Olga? The blow-up doll that I have in my closet isn't real and my blow-up doll can't type emails because that breaks the laws of science or something. So, conclusion: you can type emails so you must be real.

I will be honest and mention that I don't really know where this whole thing is going, Olga, my love. You write these extremely long emails to me but I don't feel that we are really moving forward. We're just chatting over email. What are our future steps? What are our plans? Olga, my heart laughs with sorrow at each moment that we are apart. (Shakespeare said that same thing once but don't let it cheapen the impact.)

I am eagerly awaiting to hear back from you, sweetness.

When The Clock Ticks,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

During the time period between replies, emails to Olga's old email started to bounce and I feared that this would be the end of the journey to find true love. Just when I had given up all semblance of hope, I received a short email from Olga at a new email address. She claimed that her old email "broke" and that she would be sending me a new letter very soon. Great. Like clockwork, the letter arrived a few days letter and we rev this adventure back up.

From: Olga [internet-cafe] [olgalove99@yahoo.com]
To: Roger [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: Your new friend Olga will wait from you the letters!

How are you Roger? I hope that all is good!

I again and again receive your letter and I'm glad that I can write to the person who is very far from me. Now the Summer in our country. It's such time Very much hot and many people use a lot of water. I shall tell you about myself. My childhood period was very severe but not rigid as my parents gave me a lot of attention. I was the only child in family and consequently have not brothers and sisters. My education wasn't absolutely modern at that time but my parents never beat and tried to give me all for understanding of world.

My mother Vera until recently worked in a kindergarten where she worked as the cook and prepared a meals for children. She was considered as the good expert of the class and was very much appreciated. Now my mother Vera is working in security agency. As all female professions in Russia doesn't appreciate and so pay very little. My father Alexander had died when I was 8 years. He died on work when he pulled out the little girl from fire, my father worked as the fireman. He rescued own life for safe this girl from fire but unfortunately could not escape itself. It was very hard to recollect it. When similar things occur to your close people it remains for all life.

Probably therefore I have decided to go on such trade as the doctor to help people. Now you know some details of my life and I want to tell you about myself in more detail and than I like to be engaged. I very much like dialogue with people and consequently from everyone your letters I will try to take something good for myself. Understanding between the person very important for me. I like to dance and try regular visit gymnastics hall because see about my figure. I do not like to use a lot of cosmetics, I think that the natural beauty is much better than use of any cosmetics. Sometimes with my friends and fellow workers I can afford rest and we go in the forest and there we do shish kebabs or collect mushrooms and berries.

Certainly I can dare to go on the disco but I do not like music. In music I preference such great musicians as Bethoven. I very much like composition " the Lunar sonata " .If you did not hear then necessarily listen to it Roger. In general I like classical and instrumental music. This music gains, except for that is pleasant on hearing. In the childhood I even tried to write verses and rather not badly it turned out. Probably I shall send you some my products if it will be valid interestingly. I already spoke that I don't like to waste time simply and therefore I occupy time from a decline and till a dawn. I very much like to prepare such dish (you probably heard about it) as Russian pel'menis. This very tasty dish.

Also I can cook the Ukrainian borshch for you, but some products that I was able to do it in domestic conditions are necessary for all these dishes. It is really very tasty when you prepare. My mother speaks that I would be left by the quite good cook and I could earn good money somewhere at restaurant. But I have chosen for myself absolutely other trade. You know we do not presume to buy phone or a computer and consequently I write to you from the Internet of cafe which it is a lot of at us in city. I also shall give my address on which I live with my mother. You can see it.

My full name : Olga Nefedova
my full home address:
Street Green 13,
Apartment 101.
Kanash,
postal-code 429335,
Russia

Probably the address will exchange because my mother wants to change our apartment on more cheaper for payment, but in any case I shall inform you about it. I can name you if will be, know your full telephone number. I shall try to receive the salary on the next week and then to try to talk with you. If I receive the salary I shall inform you about it and we can agree when me to call to you. But usual I can call only in the evening time.

On it I finishing the letter and I shall wait from you e-mail tomorrow . Looking forward to hear from you soon Take Care Bye.

Your friend Olga!

She mentions so much stuff in each of her letters that remembering all of it to use in a reply can be difficult. I just realized, belatedly, that she mentions writing/recording music in the letter above and I never asked her to send me samples. I will have to make a mental note to include that in a future reply because I can only imagine how amazing that would be if she actually sent me something and it was horrible.

From: Roger Garrison [roger@4kb.com]
To: Olga [internet-cafe] [olgalove99@yahoo.com]
Subject: Re: Your new friend Olga will wait from you the letters!

Hello Olga, you sexy mop bucket!

I again and again receive your letters too and I'm glad that you haven't stopped confusing the hell out of me with your inane gibberish. Sometimes I read your emails after I've been on a three day bender and they start to make some sense but I think that is just the booze talking because if I try reading them sober, I just want to smash my face against the computer monitor and end my pitiful existence. In other words, if you started making sense, I would probably have to stop drinking and I would lose interest pretty quickly. I like my women with a bit of mystery.

I am glad that you were able to contact me again after the big bad American company shut down your other email account. I enjoy our talks greatly and you make my testicles tighten considerably every time you send me a new message. I have no idea what would cause them to cancel your account because I know that you are nothing but a fine, upstanding young lady with no ill intentions but these kinds of things happen. Maybe Yahoo has some kind of Cold War animosity or something and they don't want us to be together. I'm used to that. Playas be hatin' on other playas, Olga. It's just something you become accustomed to when you live the life.

Thank you for telling me more about your family. Your mother, Vera, sounds like a real fox and I can't wait to meet her as well. I mean, any adult that would be considered the "expert" of a Kindergarten class is someone special indeed. You would think she was a fourth grader or something with all of the awe she inspired in the other children. Did you ever hear that Adam Sandler song, "Lunch Lady?" That's probably your mom. Her, sloppy joe, and six kids. I'm very sorry to hear the story about your dad for the fourth time. My dad has a very similar story to yours in that it's a story that I made up to tell strangers in order to gain some sympathy for my cause. I think he died trying to have relations with a vacuum cleaner or something equally tragic.

All of the details that you tell me about yourself continue to intrigue me, Olga. You sound like you lead a very boring life with all of the book reading and mushroom collecting. I would like to be the one that adds a little spice to your life. Like, for example, instead of reading a book you could wash my car or perhaps get hooked on heroin. Maybe even get hooked on heroin and then wash my car? I don't really know the effects that a heroin addiction has on one's ability to wash a car but I am sure that nothing bad could come of it. I honestly don't really care what you do as long as my car gets washed. Seriously. Don't come back in the house until that shit is shiny. I can't be seen out on the town unless the rims are gleaming, for reals.

I am glad that we are still able to surprise one another in our emails. This bodes well for our long-term relationship not getting stale. I mean, you're just talking nonsense about not having a computer or whatever then BAM, you just post your address right in the middle of that shit. You didn't even warn me that it was coming and I had to take a step back and gather my thoughts before continuing. It doesn't make any logical sense and I love it. I honestly have no idea what the hell I am supposed to do with it except for look it up on Google maps and try and find you in the photos, especially given that you are probably going to move, but whatever. I can only hope to be as good at surprising you as you have been me. Maybe I can just be talking about my butler or the rash on my balls and then out of nowhere say, "My keyboard has 101 keys!" and move on like nothing happened. I realize that isn't as good as you but that was only my first try so please be patient with me.

Since you have asked, I will provide you with my own set of personal information. Please don't give out my information to any other strangers. I am a very honest man and I don't want to be tempted to cheat on you if one of your hottie friends emails me and is all, "sup?". I realize that the Russian dating service was a little free with the information that I gave them but that is because they are a bunch of assholes. You are a much better person than that, Olga, and I feel that I can trust you.

First Name: Roger
Middle Name: Poultry
Last Name: Garrison
Street Address: 762 Sutter Street
City: San Francisco
State: CA
Zip Code: 94109
Cell Phone Number: 1 415-893-1641
Home Phone Number: N/A
Age: 26

As much as I don't want this party to stop, I feel like I should probably end this email soon and move on to doing more important things like clipping my toenails. I highly doubt that you're even reading any of this so I am just going to phone the next few sentences in and put in a bunch of nonsense to see if you even notice. The banner observes the folded slave. A yawn relaxes? A shade decides around a criterion! The circulating citizen scrolls the verb past the loud jungle. The porter worms the commissioned anniversary. A dead misinterprets a triple wrist.

I bet that is going to confuse the crap out of your translator.

Anyway, I look forward to hearing back from you soon, Olga. You are the sunshine in my otherwise cloudy existence and honestly, I could use a tan.

With Bleached Teeth,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

Again, due to length, I am going to stop at just posting four emails this time around. If you're of the type that is all "Oh my god, I can't see the big picture and this sucks" then tough shit. I run things around here and this is how I roll. I will post another update in the near future to continue my romantic chatter with the new love of my cyber life.