Bow-wow-wow-yippie-yo-yippie-yay, J Truth is definitely in the house! Bow-wow-wow -- no, fuck that. I'm not selling out like this. Let me lay out things bluntly: I work for a moron and that moron only agreed to let me post this update if I "talked rap." Honestly, I don't even know what that means but I'm pretty sure that he can't comprehend a sentence that doesn't start with either "Dick" or "Jane" so I'm not too worried about consequences. So, without further ado, I welcome me to the front page!

This is not a picture of me.

For those of you that don't know me, my name is Johnny Williams. I was hired by Randy to be the "P.Net Minority Reporter" but since I'm certain that he has no idea what that title entails, I pretty much get to do whatever I want around here. Honestly, I think he just likes saying the word "minority" since he giggles like a little girl every time he talks about my job. I have come to take on the nickname of "J Truth" because everyone around this ass backwards place is convinced that I'm in the urban music biz and that I need at least five. Yes, all black people are rappers and we call each other names like "Big Slizzle" and "G-Loc." I fucking hate this place. I haven't conducted a thorough search but I have it on good authority that I'm the only black person here on the campus. I'm also the only minority who isn't on lawn detail but at least they get paid.

Life around here isn't all bad though. Since I don't really do much day to day, this leaves the door wide open for me to have a lot of fun at other people's expense. For example, whenever I pass people in the hallway, I like to throw my first in the air and yell, "WHITE POWER!" Most of the older folks just get really confused and walk away mumbling but, on occasion, you'll catch that really racist guy slip up. He triumphantly returns the fist raise and prepares himself to launch into this huge racial tirade before he comes to his senses and realizes that I'm not serious. It's OK, he'll tell me -- he was also just joking around. He has a lot of black friends so he's not racist. Thank goodness for that.

If I'm having an especially bad day, I'll cheer myself up by running up to the first white person that I see and yelling "WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" over and over again while holding a whip in my hand. Most of them never get the joke but I like to revel in the ironic reverse racism scenario. Besides, if any of them ever get upset and complain, I simply threaten to call Al Sharpton and that usually settles things. I'm not sure why but everyone just assumes that I have his number in my cell phone. Speed dial, you know -- right next to the voice mail button because I use it that much.

Also not a picture of me. This is rapper Lil Wayne.

At least the marketing department loves me, if it's for all of the wrong reasons. They're all giddy about not having yet another WASP on staff. I'm pretty sure that only white people ever get giddy. I'll check the black history books but I doubt there exists an occurrence where a black person could have been considered giddy. White people get to have all of the fun. Unfortunately, they try and sell me as this Black Panther militant type. I play along because it gives me something to do. You know, ranting on and on about fighting injustice against my people and how Star Wars is racist on so many levels. Shit like Darth Vader was the bad guy and he was black. Not to mention a bunch white crackers always trying to keep a brown brother down (Chewbacca). Whatever. They eat that crap up.

I've been put on the sports team, of course. I'm haven't checked but I'm fairly sure that I'm the one on the team too since we never really get together and practice anything. There's no schedules posted and I haven't been told what sport we're playing. (I'm good at all of them?) The "team" is called the PNC Globetrotters. I tried my best to tell Randy that a team already existed with that name but he was absolute that his idea was original and he can be awfully stubborn. He also doesn't know much about copyright law so I just said "Fuck it" and started feeding him all kinds of ideas that stole off of the real Globetrotter's website. Let him get sued -- it's no skin off my back. I like to see just how far up his ass his head will go.

Me, just chillin' up in Aspen, twisting it up for the homies on the Westside.

I have no idea if this update will make it through the editorial process and actually get posted. Do we even have an editorial process here? Judging by some of the stuff I have read on the site, probably not. I didn't mean for this piece to turn out like it did but I had a lot of stuff to get off my chest. Now that I am "published" (hopefully?), I can join the ranks of the others and live off of midgets jokes and quips about homeless people being hysterical. But, you know, with a black twist. I guess. Whatever that means.