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| Sunday, 3:43 PM: Today I picked up a vagrant from my local street corner and took him on a field trip to The Home Depot just to show him all of the stuff that he is missing out on having.
Monday, 10:37 AM: Invited a double amputee to go bike riding with me and than laughed when he kept falling off.
Wednesday, 7:11 PM: Tonight I stopped by the baseball diamond that is up the street from my house to watch some little league baseball games. After suffering through three innings of completely worthless baseball playing, I passed out steroids to the visiting team because, honestly, these kids could use all the performance enhancement that they can get.
Friday, 5:16 PM: Visited my local gym today but instead of working out, I sat in front of the treadmills and ate an entire box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts while berated those who were exercising by telling them that they had a lot more work to do if they ever wanted to be considered skinny or attractive.
Saturday, 8:38 PM: I went on a blind date this evening and when she wasn't paying attention, I put a large quantity of Ex-lax in her soup. I made no attempt to hide my laughter every time she got up and ran to the bathroom. After the fourth time, I got up and left, leaving her to pay the bill and find a ride home.
Monday, 12:22 PM: Stopped by a school for special needs children and told them all that if they pulled the fire alarm, candy would drop out.
Tuesday, 3:12 PM: I invited the last two people in this world who still return my phone calls over to my house for a barbecue. When they arrived, I introduced them to the prostitute that I also invited over and then proceeded to do it doggy-style right in the middle of the living room floor. I neither invited them to join in or offer them sloppy seconds after I finished. Also, I don't even own a barbecue.
Thursday, 7:56 PM: I didn't wash my hands after finishing up in the restroom and spent the remainder of the evening preparing meals for down-on-their-luck individuals at a local woman's shelter.
Saturday, 11:45 AM: Stopped by the Planned Parenthood clinic next to my house and dropped off a box full of extra coat hangers that I had laying around.
Monday, 2:17 PM: Kicked my dentist in the teeth just to see how good he really was at doing his job.
Tuesday, 6:24 PM: Acted on my rights as an American and initiated a citizen's arrest on an Arab man coming out of a mosque because I am quite sure that he was on his way to do terrorism type things. The man started to yell loudly that he had done nothing wrong so I cut him off mid-sentence with a roundhouse to the jaw while yelling, "You don't fool me, Osama bin Ladin." It turns out that he didn't actually do anything wrong but I submitted his name for inclusion on the terrorist watch list just to be safe.
Wednesday, 5:45 PM: Today, I stopped by the local Rescue Mission and ate an entire Porterhouse steak in front of fifty hungry people. In between bites of food, I reminded them that they too could have been enjoying steak for dinner if only they had worked harder or had parents who loved them.
Friday, 10:32 AM: Used my penis to push the "close door" button in the elevator and then rode it up and down a few times making a gross face whenever someone would touch it.
Tuesday, 6:30 PM: Chuckled to myself after passing a home-made roadside memorial on my way home from work today because I realize that I made it further down the road than they did because my driving skills are vastly superior. Afterward, I took a deep breath of oxygen just to spite the dead.
Wednesday, 11:17 AM: I threw chlorine in the face of my neighbor's pool man because I didn't want it in my garage anymore and I figured that he would know how to handle it better than I.
Friday, 7:12 PM: Spent the afternoon celebrating my heritage by standing on top of a building and yelling demeaning insults at passing minorities in an effort to make myself feel superior. Afterward, I went out to a Mexican restaurant for dinner because there is no way that I am going to waste cycles cooking myself food when I can pay someone a meager wage to do it for me.
Saturday, 4:54 PM: Bought a front row ticket to the field events at the Special Olympics and instead of paying attention to the action, I spent the entire time yelling insulting things into the megaphone and reminding the contestants how much they suck at sports and life.
Sunday, 1:28 PM: Punch a kitten in the face. Repeatedly.
Tuesday, 5:26 PM: Spent a few minutes imagining a guy with Parkinson's disease trying to use a jackhammer and actually accomplishing anything more than just making a huge mess.
Wednesday, 7:14 PM: Decided to spend some time visiting the hospital near my house but was kicked out after smoking an entire pack of cigarettes in the Emphysema ward and playing with matches near the burn victims.
Friday, 2:58 PM: Went number two and decided to wipe my ass middle-eastern style since I was out of toilet paper. Afterward, I spent the afternoon petting various animals around the neighborhood and playing peek-a-boo with the neighbor's infant son.
Saturday, 1:21 PM: Spent the entire day writing a journal that contained entries for each and every asshole-ish thing that I have done recently. I plan on eventually posting it on the internet because I am proud of my decision-making abilities. |
| | (2 comments) - Read Comments - Add Comment - Rate This Update |
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To waffle:
When you shit on someone's laptop keyboard and then close the screen on it.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QrkmdHX9JHA
Fuck Planet Earth
Warning: this video contains BBC nature documentary footage and it does show animals attacking other animals. Don't bitch at me if you watch it and you're sensitive to that kind of thing.
Also, it's funny.
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| | RE: Diary Of An Asshole (#1143) - [Reply To Comment]
by Sam Scrotum (216.137.192.182) on July 23, 2009 (3:45 PM) PST | | I just have to say that, Johnny, I love being your neighbor. However sometimes there is a terrible stench coming from your direction, and I would like to ask that you make more of an effort to clean your area. |
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| RE: Diary Of An Asshole (#1144) - [Reply To Comment]
by Dr. Asshole (199.106.103.254) on July 23, 2009 (4:04 PM) PST | Dear Sam,
I hate being your neighbor. I hate living on the same street as you. I hate that you feel comfortable enough to talk to me without fear in your voice. The stench that you smell is your cat that went missing a few weeks ago. I have been keeping it under a heat lamp in my garage and have piped the exhaust into your A/C vent. Enjoy. |
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