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| To the lucky few of you who are fortunate enough to have been elevated to "friend" status by me (a.k.a. the chosen ones), the following bit of information will probably not come as any kind of surprise to you. In fact, you probably already know about it and I'm simply wasting both of our time with this little message. Please feel free to stop reading this paragraph and skip ahead two -- you've earned it. For the rest of you who decided not to pay your annual dues to me in a timely fashion and thus were not allowed inside my inner news circle, perhaps you should stick around for the following forthcoming announcement.
But first, an advertisement. Had you paid your money like a good little boy, girl, or thing, you wouldn't have to see this and I wouldn't have had to waste my time whoring out parts of my mind to remember to write this down. You should be ashamed of yourself. I know I am. Now, pretend the rest of this paragraph is being read aloud by Don LaFontaine. Well, an alive Don LaFontaine, not the dead version, though I'm sure his voice is still pretty awesome. He'd make a pretty cool zombie. "I'm coming for.. BRAIIINS!" Anyway, on with the ad. Not getting enough satisfaction with pollestad.net? Try our newly launched sister site at http://www.pollestad.org. Same great content that you know and love but presented with less rap speak and more nude pictures of Sarah Palin. Bat shit insanity never looked so good.
Welcome back, people who paid me money. My apologies that we had to get some other unpleasant business out of the way first. Now, to the announcement. This may come as a shock to some of you, so if you're pregnant and/or a really big sissy, you may want to sit down and call a responsible adult into the room to break it to you. I have enough pending lawsuits going right now and I don't need another one.
From here on out, I will be seeing dead people.
Well, more succinctly, I will be using dead people to see. Tomorrow, I will be undergoing a cornea transplant operation and thanks to some poor cadaver and the "Loot Great Things Off A Corpse Lottery", I get to use his eye. I will admit that this all sounded like a really great idea when I was drunk but now that it's almost a reality, I'm a little worried that I can't find some way to profit off of this predicament. Hmm, too hot for TV? Maybe some kind of new sitcom can be put into the works. Me and a one-eyed dead guy, kind of a bosom buddies sort of affair but with more dead people and better acting. In the very least, it would make a perfect Mentos commercial. They call me the fresh maker.
I don't really know how it's all going to go down so I will have to save all of that sentimental crap for another update. I just hope that the dead person whose eye I have was somebody important like an entrepreneur or some street-savvy thug. Maybe a thug turned CEO like Jay-Z. I'm in this thing for more than a little eyesight. But I have to admit that not all is good news. With my awesome cybernetic enhancement comes with a few drawbacks. For example, I doubt any one will try to challenge me to a game of "I, Spy" anymore. I have the focal might of two people and my presence would simply be overpowering. Also, I won't be able to pick up drunk girls at the bar anymore since they probably won't look good. They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I have more eyes than most.
So, anyway, stay tuned for more on this breaking saga. I'll be sure to report back if I died or something. Most likely, I doubt that I will have the time to update again. I'll probably be out fighting crime with my new found powers. Either that or robbing a bank. Maybe the dead guy had like x-ray vision or something that could cut through steel. Maybe I can blow up stuff just by looking at it. If so, I'm buying tickets to a Sarah Silverman show. |
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