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| MEETING NOTES: PNC ROUND TABLE
LOCATION: SHAKEY'S GRAVY BUFFET AND SALAD BAR
RP: Order! With the banging of my ceremonial fist, I now call to order the first official PNC Round Table meeting. Before we get started, I would like the meeting stenographer to note, for the record, my disappointment at the fact that the table supplied for this meeting isn't round at all. I specifically asked to be seated at a round table. This one is kind of oblong. If I would have known this in advance, I would have called to order the first ever PNC Oblong Table meeting. I would also like the meeting stenographer to note that she really isn't a stenographer at all but rather some chick I picked up at Hooter's. I would be surprised if there is any actual stenography going on right now.
RP: I only paid for one-trip salad bar visits. If you want to go back for more, it's on your own dime.
RP: Now, moving on. Gentlemen, as you may have noticed, the site isn't quite what it used to be. After a batch of layoffs, some all around laziness and a bad stint in rehab, our update output has been about as spotty as cell phone coverage in horror movies. Since it has been some time since I last heard from most of you and since I pretend to pay the salaries for all of you, I decided to call this meeting and play catch-up with everyone. This is a lot like playing "Don't Tell" with your dirty uncle except you'll lie more and probably enjoy it less.
RP: I'm going to call on each of you in turn and after I insult you by mispronouncing your name, feel free to go over what you have been working on. I'll start with Johnny "Action: Affirmative" Truth, urban correspondent and all-around black guy. Johnny?
J. Truth: I'm busy working on a riveting article about a racist backwater corporation who goes out of their way to hire a minority reporter but instead of letting him write and post stuff on the front page, he's relegated to running errands like fetching donuts and getting the "good crack" from the parts of town that everyone else is afraid to visit.
RP: Ooh, sounds juicy. How reliable is the information?
J. Truth: Uh, let's just say that I have someone on the inside.
RP: Great! Be sure to notify the NAACP, the ACLU, and the EPA. I really want to bust these guys. This could be huge!
J. Truth: Yes, I'll get right on contacting the EPA about this, you moron.
RP: Cool! Moving on to Skip "Four Balls And You're A" Walker. How have you been my friend?
Skip: I can't talk right now.
RP: Why not?
Skip: Because my mouth is full of food.
RP: No it's not!
Skip: Yes it is.
RP: I haven't seen you eat anything all day!
Skip: It's food from yesterday. Also, it's invisible.
RP: But you're talking to me right now!
Skip: Yes, and it's rude to do so because I have a mouth full of food.
RP: Stenographer! Please note my unwillingness to believe Skip Walker has a mouth full of food. Also, please note that I don't think it rude for him to talk to me.
RP: So, non-rude Skip Walker, what have you been working on?
Skip: My resignation letter.
RP: Well, it's been two years since we last heard from you. That must really be a long letter.
Skip: There's a lot of grievances to air.
RP: OK, just make sure you run it by the editing department before submitting it. Anything else?
Skip: Yes. I'm co-authoring a book called "How One Person Can Completely Ruin Your Life, Liberty, and Pursuit of Happiness."
RP: Co-authoring with whom?
Skip: Every single person who has ever met you.
RP: That's crazy! I didn't know the homeless guy that I hit with my car last month could write books. I mean, I pretended to offer him a job but that was just me being a dick. I certainly wasn't serious! So, when are you looking to publish?
Skip: That depends on when you plan on dying.
RP: Why is that?
Skip: Because if you die soon, it'll be renamed "How One Dead Person Made The World A Better Place."
RP: Ooh, I like that title better. Less commas. They cost more money than periods to print.
Skip: ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
RP: Hope you didn't have to pay rent this month! Anyway, moving on. Art "Border Patrol" Dodger, what's on your plate?
Art: I'm working on two updates that --
RP: Will they contain letters?
Art: Letters of the alphabet, yes.
RP: Good, I like those. What about mailbags?
Art: In one of the updates, I dream about stuffing you into a mailbag and shipping you off to China.
RP: A fantasy piece.. I like. Way to think outside the box. Well, bag in your case. But seriously, you're going to write a bunch of updates that involve you reading letters, right?
Art: I have a lot more in me than just letters, Randy.
RP: And I have a lot more space in my basement now that you're not chained to a radiator down there but things can change.
Art: *sigh* Fine. Yes, tons of updates are coming that contain letters, people writing letters, stamps, mailbags, post office people, and discarded envelopes. Happy?
RP: Yes! So, anyone else have anything?
Rad Tad: I totally do.
RP: Really?
Rad Tad: That's harsh, bro. Like, don't let my totally rad exterior fool you, I'm all business inside.
RP: No, I meant "Really?" as in, "You really still work here?" I'm pretty sure you were let go a while ago. I realize that I don't pay anyone anything but I stopped even pretending to pay you. I figured that you'd get the clue.
Rad Tad: I've been too busy following the historic 2008 election to notice. I've got a number of great articles ready to post on the Obama campaign and it's impact on the geo-political structure and how new economics could change us as a nation.
RP: Ha ha, I guess you haven't been paying too close attention. Every one knows that Obama dropped out of the race last year. You've been wasting your time! It's all about Tommy Thompson. America needs more pseudo-redundancy.
Rad Tad: Whatever, bro. If you ever come to your senses, you can check out my articles over at Slate.com.
RP: No thanks. I'm not much of a granite enthusiast.
RP: With all of that said, I was hoping to be able to end this meeting with a joint announcement about settling our pending discrimination litigation and a new hire but it looks like he didn't show. I called and left him a voice mail about the time and location. What the hell is it with deaf people and not answering the phone? Oh well, probably for the best -- deaf people can't read anyway.
RP: And this brings a close to the meeting. Stenographer, note down my address and the time of 7:00 since that's when I expect to see you later. Take care! |
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