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| Howdy folks, it's me, Art "Neutron Bomb" Dodger checking in live via satellite
and getting myself hyped up to do some reporting of the written variety. Ok,
so it's not exactly "live via satellite" as much as "pre-recorded from my
basement" but this is the internet and I'm allowed to say anything I want, even
if it's not strictly true. Now, you might be asking yourself why I'm updating
from my house and not, say, my place of employment and if I was yourself, I
would respond to you by saying that the P.Net Campus is currently uninhabitable
thanks to a lack of electric power. No power means no internet or overhead
lights. Normally I'd be more than content to simply do my menials tasks by
using more old fashioned methods but everytime Randy sees a candle, he gets really
excited and pulls out his ouija board to see if he can summon the dead.
To some of the more perceptive readers out there, you're probably more than well
aware of the succinct lack of updates that have been posted over the past few
weeks and hopefully the above explanation will help provide some reason for this.
Like usual, I'm the one that gets called in when the going gets tough and
the words stop flowing. While I realize that some of you may be put off
because you don't see the words "P.Net Mailbag" in the title of this piece, fret
not. Yes, it's true that most of you know me as the guy who reads letters
but I'm about to let you in on a little secret: I also write letters! Try
to think of this update as a sort of reverse mailbag, if such a thing were to
actually exist and/or make any sense whatsoever.
Unless you're an illiterate five year old girl, you, much like everyone else,
has written a letter on at least one occasion. Sometimes these letters
are correspondence of a personal nature while others are sent to the editors of
daily newspapers when you're particularly outraged at a local official but
are too lazy to actually do anything about it other than complain. Letters
can be fun but they can also be dangerous, since sometimes kidnappers use them
as a means to demand money. The police like to call these ransom demands
"notes" but the masters of the pen know better. They're letters. Anyway,
since the PNC campus is shut down, I haven't able to steal free postage stamps and
put these letters in the mail but I think that they are far too important to
just be left lying around so I'm going to do what any one in my position would
do: post them on the internet. Not only am I using technology to help
spread my word and ideals, I'm saving money by not having to buy stamps. I'm
a genius. Anyway, on to my letters!
Dear Cash Register Attendant,
Please stop feeling like you have to try and connect with me, the customer, during
the whole two minutes that I am at the counter ordering my food. I don't
really care whether you think that the salad that I just ordered is "really good"
or that the pasta I chose to go with it is "what you order all the time when you
eat here." I'm ordering that specific meal because it's what I like and if
I wanted your opinion or needed your approval of my meal, I'd ask for it beforehand.
I figure that if your judgement was enough to be worth listening to, you
wouldn't be working behind a counter taking orders from people in the first place.
Thank you in advance for your consideration of this matter.
Sincerely,
Art Dodger
Dear Guy In The Next Stall,
Please stop being so loud. While I realize that I certainly don't speak for
everyone, having to do your business in a public restroom is a bad enough experience
without having to listen to you next door re-enacting the bathroom scene from
"Dumb & Dumber." Yes, it is often referred to as a bowel movement but note
that your bowels shouldn't literally be moving. Do you not have a toilet at
home? I'm not saying don't go but you sound like you haven't taken a crap in
a week and your rotten symphony of grunts and squeals is anything but music to my
ears. A little restraint is all I'm asking for. Thank you in advance for
your consideration of this matter.
Sincerely,
Art Dodger
Dear Obese Consumer,
Please stop using diet soda as a means to make you appear more healthy. I
applaud the fact that you likely realize that you are overweight and that you
feel at least a small inkling to lose some pounds, but eating a barbeque bacon
double cheeseburger coupled with a large order of fries and washing it down
with a diet coke will not get you the results you desire. Diet soda is
not good for you -- it's merely less bad for you than regular soda. Try
ordering something like water instead. Also, it's not "ok" that you
had Subway for lunch. While it's possibly true that Jared lost all of
that weight eating footlong sandwiches, I highly doubt that the double meat
BMT with extra mayo and cheese was the way he did it. Thank you in advance
for your consideration of this matter.
Sincerely,
Art Dodger
Dear Inobservant Parent,
Please stop taking your children out in public if you don't plan on paying
attention to what they are doing. While I do realize that talking on
your cell phone about how great your new Mercedes drives is high on your
list of priorities, me summoning up the restraint to not knock your child
into the middle of next week isn't high on mine. I'm just trying to enjoy
my meal and unless you want to test out just how well your family medical
plan covers emergencies, a little more attention paying is in order.
Additionally, if your kid does something extremely annoying in public,
it's not ok just because they're a kid and they don't know any better.
"Not knowing better" is not an excuse. It wouldn't keep you out of jail
if you broke the law and certainly wouldn't excuse me if I broke your nose.
Maybe if you got off your fat ass and exerted some discipline
every now and again instead of rewarding them with candy every time they
display just how much smarter they are than you things might be a little
different and it might just be a little easier for me to finish my meal
without facing homocide charges. Really, I'm just trying to make the
world a better place for everyone. Thank you in advance for your
consideration of this matter.
Sincerely,
Art Dodger
There, I think I feel a little better finally having gotten those letters out
in the open. Hopefully it won't be too long before all the kinks are
worked out back at the office and I can return to being forced to do humiliating
things on camera as Randy tries to capture the top spot on YouTube. It's
sad what you miss when you don't have it anymore. |
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