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| The old saying goes that opinions are like assholes and everybody has one.
Well, I for one think that's a little unfair to those born with an
anorectal malformation but human beings can be a cruel species sometimes.
People often say that I am opinionated but, in my opinion, they're
just plain wrong -- and stupid. Despite my childish name-calling tactics,
these people often seek me out, asking about how I feel on this topic or
that topic. My first response is to belittle and humiliate them in
front of their peers, usually by pointing out some kind of inadequacy and
then vomiting in their shoes. My second response is to go on the
lam because they're probably pretty mad about their shoes and are likely
filing charges.
This is what I look like when I think about the stuff I write.  | |
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Thus begins this update, which is the first in a series of updates where
I sit around and give my opinion about whatever it is that I think is
important at the time. Granted, that's pretty much the formula for
every other update on this site but, for some reason, this just feels
different, like when you have intercourse with your sister. Also,
it's structured differently, like midgets and people who are big boned.
As with all my ideas, you never really know how it's going to turn
out so I can't promise that anything great lies below this sentence but,
for now, pretend that visiting this website is like a game show and the
wisdom that I am imparting is the consolation prize. Why the
consolation prize? Because there is no way in hell that you'd ever
win. You never win. Because you suck. At everything.
Including sucking. And that sucks pretty bad. Read on
to know what I think about other stuff that is not how bad you suck.
On The McDonald's Gift Card: Aside from Pee Wee Herman, there are very
few people on this earth that I would care to meet. However, topping
that short list would be the braniac who bought one of these things
thinking that it would make a great gift idea. I mean, seriously,
who eats at McDonalds so much that they need a gift card? "Here Jim,
you've done some great work on that financial project this week. Go
treat yourself to a nice cheeseburger and soda." "Golly, thanks
Bob! Not only are you saving me money, you're helping my cholesterol
levels and saturated fat intake go through the roof at the same time!"
While I am the first person to admit that buying the perfect gift
is a hard thing to do, I'm also quite sure that the perfect gift can't
be found while standing in a grocery store checkout line. Essentially
what you are saying with this idea is, "hey, guy, I thought enough about
you this year to go out and buy you a gift on your special day and I hope
you actually put it to use, since I don't want you to be around next year
so that I may be forced to repeat this process."
These guys grew up using the McDonald's gift card and look what happened to them.  | |
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On Children: Adults are supposed to be a mature group of people. We are
supposed to graduate college, start careers, and have families. As
mature grown-ups, there are a number of conversational topics that become
off-limits to us, lest we no longer be looked upon as mature. Kids,
however, throw this whole rule out the window. You see, kids, at
their most basic nature, are nothing more than a license for parents to
talk about poop. Unless you're a member of a college frat, talking
about poop at a party is normally frowned upon, yet parents feel the need
to discuss at length the color and form of their child's poop, and whether
or not the tiny tot had a blowout diaper today. I guess to other
parents it may be terribly fascinating to find out that little Johnny's
poop is finally solid and no longer green, but I could frankly do without
that little bit of information. If I went around told everyone
about every time that I crap my pants, I'd be looked on as a little weird.
Well, ok, weirder than I am already suspected of being. I'm
just saying, if I wanted to know what color crap your kid was spewing
out these days, I'd simply dig through your trash. It's quicker
and I could probably make a tidy profit selling scraps to homeless people.
On Lesbians: The adult film industry has long been charged with corrupting
our society and helping men to become disillusioned about the realities of
women. I fully agree, though not for the reasons that you are
probably thinking. It has nothing to do with women being portrayed
as easy objects; the whole "lonely but really hot housewife who sleeps
with whichever appliance repair man is scheduled to be over that day" scenario
actually happens quite frequently. No, the real beef is with the
improper portrayal of lesbians. Have you ever seen a real lesbian?
They don't look anything like those chicks in the movies. It
reminds me of when I was first shown what a mermaid really looked like and
remembering the crushing blow I felt to my boyhood fantasies about Ariel
and the knockout punch to my libido. I don't get the real life lesbian.
They go gay and choose to sleep only with women, only to become as
manly and as butch as they possibly can in the process. If the chick
you're sleeping with looks like a hugely unattractive man, isn't the whole
point of going gay in the first place defeated? Still, it does, in a
weird way, give me hope for I now realize that should the unthinkable happen
and I am involved in some horrible car wreck, my body half on fire and
quickly becoming one with the metal, I will still have a shot at getting laid
after I get out of the hospital.
Lesbianism: a before and after shot.  | |
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On Parking: There are a great many things that bother me about the way
people choose to behave in parking lots but the number one prime
offender has to be the idiots that always feel the need to back into
their space every single time they park. Not just at home, or at
work, but everywhere. The only time you should ever need to back
into a parking spot is if you're in the process of robbing a bank or
beating your girlfriend with a golf club and you need to make a quick
getaway. I can't recall the last time that I went into a 7/11
or my place of employment and thought, "man, it's great that I spent
all of my time parking my car like that when I got here because now I
can get out of here FAST!. I don't have to back up because I
did that already when I pulled in! I am the smartest guy on the
planet and look at all that time I just saved myself!"
You know, I'm just going to go out on a limb here and wager a little guess
that I probably offended someone today. I don't know who it could
possibly be because I'm not very perceptive when it comes to these things
but I guess you could just call it a hunch. So, the first edition
of "RP On..." is drawing to a close and I'm quickly running out of words.
For some, this is probably a good thing. As for the rest, if
you need to get a hold of me, I'm going to be streaking on the sidewalks
of downtown naked, trying my best to get something sensitive stuck in one
of those big revolving doors. It just sounds fun. |
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