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| It was an age of tyranny. The rights of man had been trampled and
the collective spirit of the populace lay broken like the promises of
politicians across the planet. War was everywhere; a global conflict
that continued to spread like wildfire. The economy was controlled
by cutthroat mega-corporations who would use their vast array of wealth
and resources to silence anyone that opposed them. The outlook was
dire and civilization looked as though it was on the brink of self-destruction.
The people needed a champion; a hero to stand up for what was right
and who had the power to fight fire with an even bigger fire. That man
was only a phone call away and the number was 1-800-SKIP-WALKER.
This man is not Skip Walker but plays him on TV.
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Skip Walker wakes up every morning and showers with a chalkboard because
he believes in starting each day with a clean slate. Skip Walker doesn't
need to shave because his beard particles fall out on command. Skip
Walker sits down when he pees and isn't afraid to write a book about it.
Skip Walker is his own entourage. Skip Walker doesn't want no
drama, which is why he chooses to rent comedy and horror movies instead.
Skip Walker is making his life story into an after-school special
and it'll star Fred Savage as a young Skip. Skip Walker taught Hulk
Hogan everything he knew about acting. If you're not careful, Skip
Walker will vote you off the island.
Skip Walker molests priests to get revenge for every altar boy that has ever been
wronged. As a professional boxer, Skip Walker
was known for knocking out opponents with his christian right. If you're bad,
Skip Walker will bend you over his knee and spank you with his bible belt. Skip
Walker likes to back into fights because he doesn't have the stomach for it.
Skip Walker refuses to roll with the punches. Skip Walker was
once brutally assualted by his assistant so he knows a thing or two about
secretarian violence. If you ask nicely, Skip Walker will invest in
your 401k with counterfeit funds. Skip Walker is a criminal mastermind
who is plotting to rob a Wal-Mart. Skip Walker knows this because
Tyler Durden knows this.
Skip Walker orders his rye with no catcher because he hates the sport of
baseball. Skip Walker once called up QVC and bought out the entire
shipment of commemorative Dale Earnhardt lifesize cardboard cutouts just so
that you couldn't have any. Skip Walker is more than just a bunch of
left turns. Skip Walker admits that while Hanson's
first album had some definite standout tracks, "This Time Around" was a better
showcase of their overall talent. Skip Walker is goofing off on company
time and he doesn't care if your boss knows about it. Skip Walker is going
to start using the "It's ok, I had Subway for lunch" joke again because he never
really got tired of hearing it. Skip Walker tried to bring sexy back
but he no longer had the original receipt and had to settle for store credit
instead of a refund. Skip Walker is, however, going to bring back the
tuxedo shirt whether you like it or not. Skip Walker is ribbed for his
personal pleasure.
This man plays a TV on Skip Walker.
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Skip Walker has a cache of hidden weapons that he is telling everyone about.
Skip Walker plays tennis with a protection racket because he's extremely
concerned about his safety. Skip Walker purchased two H2 hummers and
drives them everywhere he goes simply because he personally detests gasoline.
Skip Walker drives slow in the fast lane and plays his stereo full blast
while driving through a deaf community. Skip Walker implanted a GPS chip
in his neck so that he can constantly keep track of himself. Skip Walker
has a plan for Iraq and it comes with unlimited anytime minutes. Skip Walker will
lightly jog for president in 2008. Skip
Walker is a marketing genius and he has the pie charts to prove it. Skip
Walker is his own target demographic. |
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