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| Unless you're a hippie who somehow lives his life in defiance of both
time and space, you may have noticed that our little
friend "the year" had his birthday recently. He's barely legal
now at the tender age of 2007 and is prowling the town past his curfew
looking for some action. He called us a few times but we didn't
return his calls. Do you want to know why? No? Well
what if I tell you anyway? You're going to do what? That's
what I thought. Nothing.
Anyway, while most indigenous peoples from regions not named China
celebrated the new year by drinking heavily and blowing off the limbs
of siblings via malfunctioning fireworks, the staff here at the P.Net
campus chose a different -- and dare we say, higher -- path, opting instead
to use the time as a means for reflection, to really celebrate the
spirit of the new year by instituting some much-needed changes in how
we operate day to day. Some people like to call these promises
"resolutions" but that sounds all too voluntary. No, these are
more like whatever the opposite of a parole violation is. Also,
we shot a bunch of pelicans while no one was looking.
Our crack squad of pelican hunting midgets.
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So, what the hell am I getting at? While on the outside, it may
seem like the PNC is a huge conglomerate hellbent on getting rich while
ignoring and exploiting the everyman without concern for his safety
or regard for his opinion, this is only partly true. We actually
do care about your opinion and comments, just not all that much.
Still, since we're all about serving the people who we profit
from, we decided to ring in the new year by implementing some of the
requests made by our readers in hopes that it won't cause us too many
headaches and we can actually avoid getting that third strike. So,
without further ado, here is what's new for PNC in 2007!
Starting in 2007...
...each writer is now drug tested daily to make sure that at the time
of publication, they are only high on two different drugs and not three
as previously allowed.
...we will no longer refer to the Jewish games played during Hanukkah as
"dreidel breakdancing."
..we will refrain from making any jokes at the expense of clowns for
we have been told that it leaves a funny taste in people's mouths.
...every update will now be a healthy part of a balanced breakfast,
assuming that you are reading it while eating some sort of healthy
breakfast.
...we will no longer make fun of any person or persons based soley on
their sexual preference. Unless they're gay.
...we will make every attempt to become more minority-friendly and will
refrain from writing updates that contain ethnic slurs, unless you're
of an ethnicity that doesn't really count, such as Kurdish.
I will continue to defame this man.
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...as a means to ensure quality, each update will be speelcheked to avoyd
any punctuashun or grammar errors.
...when reading reader mail, we will no longer immediately assume that we
are right and you are wrong, unless it's plainly obvious to us that we
are indeed right and you are wrong.
...donkeys are off-limits.
...Skip Walker will be replaced by a robot who bleeds peanut butter when
tickled. In our opinion, it's unlikely that anyone will really notice
the difference.
...stereotypes are no longer allowed to be the basis for jokes. We
will, however, continue to talk about stereo types such as Sony, Boston,
and Aiwa, especially if they give us free stuff.
...we have made it company policy to no longer tell any midget jokes.
Should there be a case where we tell a joke that does include a midget, we
will no longer refer to them as midgets but rather as "fun sized humans."
...we will no longer refer to grossly overweight people as morbidly obese.
Instead, we'll just refer to them as people who are really, really fat.
...will finally admit to being wrong regarding the 9/11 attacks and stop blaming the handicapped for it.
...we will no longer prattle on about stuff that we don't know anything about,
unless we think that the stuff we've made up is really close to how things
actually are. Doing actual research sucks.
...each update will be edible, assuming that you have a printer and like the
taste of paper.
Maybe you shouldn't eat all of the updates, sir.
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...we plan on mentioning either Robocop or Bon Jovi (or both) at least twice
during each update because, frankly, we can't stop talking about them.
...we will no longer require that all feedback or requests for information
be written to us in morse code. Honestly, we can't even read morse
code and just used the excess paper to light our cigars.
And the list continues to grow! We look forward to serving you up a
whole batch of updates which are more healthy, politically correct, and
ethnically friendly than ever before. To prove it, we've hired Jared
of Subway fame as our spokesperson. Well, ok, hired isn't exactly
the right word. We may have sort of kidnapped him, tied him to a
chair, and fed him nothing but printer test pages for the past three weeks.
He's definitely skinnier now than he was before, only serving to
prove that the new PNC updates are, in the very least, better for you than
Subway. |
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