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| Read Verse One
Read Verse Two (Part One)
Hello ladies and gentlemen. Much to my regret, it has been quite
some time since we last stopped, collaborated, and revisited this topic.
For the uninitiated, while on a pilgrimage to Myanmar late last
year to help overthrow a fascist regime of locusts, I came across some
ancient scrolls containing the lyrics to the long-forgotten masterpiece
"Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice. While the song itself was a hit
and, sadly, fooled millions of white people into thinking that they
could rap, much of the song's magic was ultimately never fully appreciated.
This is largely due to the fact that most people are idiots.
Oh, sure, I bet you were doing the running man in your sequined outfit
just like the rest of us, but I bet you never stopped to really try and
understand what the song meant nor what was going on through the
lyrical master's head when he wrote it. I did, and it became my
quest to spell out in laymans terms just what you've been missing all
of these years and the spiritual enlightenment that comes with it.
Sadly, this journey has not been a short one. It has taken
me almost a full year to get this far and I am only 2/3rds of the way
through. However, there are some very valid reasons for this.
I have thus far covered the first verse in it's entirety and last brought
you the first half of the extremely lengthly second verse back in May.
While there is certainly no bad part of this masterpiece, the action
that is "Ice Ice Baby" does slow down during the remainder of the second
verse. You see, just as Shakespeare had his "The Two Noble Kinsmen"
and 007 had his 1967 Casino Royale, so to does Vanilla have his moment
when he's not at his best. However, it should be noted that Vanilla
not at his best is still three times as good as Jesus in his prime.
Since I have made decoding this masterpiece a priority, I wanted
to make sure that I got it right the first time regardless of how tough
the text was to decipher. So, without further ado, I give you
the finish of Act II of the brilliance that is "Ice Ice Baby."
I still dress like this.
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Verse Two (Part Two)
"Girls were hot wearing less than bikinis"
When we last left Vanilla Ice, he had just arrived at his next destination,
namely A1A Beachfront Avenue, after a lengthy driving adventure that
was pretty much uneventful. Now, while I was unable to actually
find Beachfront Avenue on any map of Florida, that's not to say that
it didn't actually exist. Ice is a lot smarter than us and this
was the 90's. Maybe some kind of hurricane or something carried it
off out to sea just like Atlantis. In the end, it matters little
for who are we to judge whether Ice was really there or not. Maybe
he ate some bad jello or something and was on some kind of acid trip.
Regardless, proving his worth as a literary genius, he wastes no
time in describing to his audience exactly what the scene was like over
there on Beachfront Avenue. Apparently, it was hot. I mean
really hot. It was so hot that people opted to break all kinds of
decency laws and wear less than the required amount of clothing.
The girls in question may have in fact been sweating because they
were so hot but in typical Ice fashion, he pretty much ignores the women
after this and never mentions them again. You can draw you own
conclusions about his preference.
"Rockman lovers driving Lamborghinis"
Now, I am not the first scholar to have studied these texts and I likely
won't be the last. However, there is one thing that everyone can
agree on: no one knows what the hell this line is supposed to say. The
above translation is pretty much the accepted verbage but it doesn't
really clarify anything. When pressed for an answer, even Vanilla Ice
refused to clear the air about it, opting only to say "I don't even like
rap music" which actually explains a lot. Doing any kind of internet
search for "rockman" only leads to numerous Nintendo fan sites because
there was apparently some Japanese video game character named Rockman.
If you ask me, it sounds more like a queer idea for a comic
book character than anything. Oh, look at me! I'm Rockman! I can, well,
lift rocks! Still, despite all the confusion surrounding this line,
Ice still manages to grab major points from the judges by being the only
rapper in recorded history to actually rhyme the word "lamborghini."
It's complexity is the primary reason why hip-hop as a whole has
stuck with more conventional car names like Bentley and Escalade.
Even when Ice fails, he wins.
"Jealous 'cause I'm out getting mine"
It's hard to know precisely who Ice is claiming is jealous of him or what
exactly he's out getting. If you've followed the plotline that he's
laid down in verse two, he's basically just done a lot of driving around
alone in his 5.0, while there is apparently no small shortage of people
driving better cars than he is and plenty of girls who won't give him the
time of day. Ok, I suppose if you were wheelchair-bound or maybe
blind, you might be jealous of Ice because of his mobility or the fact
that he can at least see all of the girls that he isn't getting, but
aside from that, I've known keggers at retirement homes that have more
action than Ice has described thus far. Frankly Ice, you can have
yours. I don't want it.
"Shay with a guage and Vanilla with a nine"
Despite my aforementioned adoration for Ice and his genius, you really do
have to take the things that he says with a grain of salt. You
see, while Shay is his deejay and I'm sure they went on tour a lot
together, Ice made it quite clear earlier in the verse that he was
rolling solo and neglected to mention any stop where he may have dropped
by Shay's house and picked him up. Now, maybe Shay was already
down on Beachfront Avenue hanging out and Ice just happened to run into
him. Convenient, of course, that they would both be carrying guns.
I can't count the amount of times that I have gone down to the
beach and, in addition to packing my sunscreen and beachball, I made sure
to also grab my shotgun. Such things can be so important when
building sand castles. Of course, since it's possible that
Beachfront Avenue doesn't exist, maybe this whole encounter is a fictional
work by Miami's greatest poet. If that's the case, I suppose we
can lend Ice some leeway here in how he tells the story. Or maybe
Shay is really just Ice's imaginary friend and he's been with him the
whole time. I wonder if it's legal to carpool with an imaginary
friend.
"Ready for the chumps on the wall"
The scene started out so peacefully with Japanese video game characters
driving cars and really hot girls who may or may not have been sweating
but, as with any tale, danger is never far away. You see, somewhere
along Beachfront Avenue is a wall and apparently this wall attracts a lot
of chumps. Ice, in his infinite wisdom, knows full well where this
wall is and is quite prepared for facing such chumps when he passes by
this wall. We are not sure of the number of chumps along
this particular wall since Ice doesn't give us any raw data but we can
be assured that with all the firepower that he and his "friend" Shay
have, they're entirely ready to deal with whatever threat these chumps
pose.
Possibly how the chumps on the wall may have looked.
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"The chumps acting ill because they're full of eight ball"
Now, you may be telling yourself, of course they're feeling sick if
they are standing around eating billiard balls but then I would be
standing right next to you telling you that you're wrong. You
see, here Ice takes the opportunity to inject some slang words into
the mix, ensuring that he keeps his audience on their toes. In
thise case, "eight ball" has nothing to do with the game of billiards
but instead refers to Olde English 800, which many street hoodlums
referred to as "8 ball." Commonly served in 40 oz bottles, this
rare liquor was quite adept at getting one "tore up from the floor
up" and would provide an immediate explanation as to why said chumps
were "ill" if they consumed too much. Of course, it also
explains why the chumps were on the wall in the first place as it's
likely that they were unable to stand without falling over. Don't
people know that being drunk in public is a crime? Such rampant
disregard for the law is why I could never live in Miami.
"Gunshots rang out like a bell"
It's unfortunate that Ice chooses to go with brevity here for he never
explains who was doing the shooting or why they started shooting.
Presumably this is because Vanilla Ice ain't no snitch. If
it was the "ill chumps" that Ice had been previously talking about, why
did they suddenly start shooting and at who? Were they shooting
at Ice because they felt threatened by his mysterious ways? Did
they think that due to his lyrical nature, he might be forming humilating
rhymes about them to tell at a later date? It seems that we'll
never know. Lastly, why do their guns sound like musical
instruments? If bells were weapons, a church choir would be a
dangerous foe indeed.
"I grabbed my nine all I heard were shells"
I'm not going to sit here and call Ice a liar -- I'm just saying that he
tends to be overly contradictory. You see, a mere five lines back,
Ice already told us that he had his nine but after apparently hearing
gunshots, he goes to then grab his nine again. Secondly, he says
that all he can hear is shells, but he just got done telling us all about
how he heard gunshots and bells. I mean, really, if there were
any gunshots, he'd still be hearing echos and probably people screaming,
not some serene John Woo scene where everything goes quiet and then maybe
some doves fly by. Stupid doves always getting in the middle of
gunfights. Anyway, I'm not sure why Vanilla feels the need to constantly
mislead his listeners and the thought that he might actually be lying makes
me feel nearly as sick as the 8 ball chumps back on the wall who possibly
fired shots almost maybe in the directiion of Vanilla Ice perhaps.
Also beware of falling shells.
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"Falling on the concrete real fast"
While it's quite possible that in the heat of the moment, our eyes and brain
do play tricks on us, it's become quite obvious after hearing this line that
Vanilla skipped most of his science classes in high school. Had he
attended, he would know all about the laws of gravity and know that everything
falls at the same speed. The idea that these shells were somehow falling
"real fast" is a slap in the face of every learned professor everywhere.
Of course, since it's become Ice's trademark to leave out little bits
and pieces of the story, it's entirely possible that he somehow jumped through
some kind of space/time warp and now maybe things like shells do fall real
fast. I wouldn't put it past Ice to have invented time travel also.
"Jumped in my car slammed on the gas"
Up until this point, if you've been following along, it has been presumed
that The Notorious I.C.E was still rolling solo in his 5.0, especially since
he never told us that he got out of the car. Granted, when one arrives
at their intended destination -- Beachfront Avenue in this case -- they
generally park and disembark but you can never assume anything when it comes
to Ice's tales. As such, assuming he did get out of his car at some
point, I as a listener feel a little jilted that he left out something so
vital to the story. For example, it would explain how he ran into
his friend Shay and how he perhaps pissed off the chumps on the wall.
Maybe they were playing marbles or something and Ice came along and
wasn't paying attention so he accidentally kicked one of the marbles and
screwed up the whole game. That's something worth shooting over if
you ask me. On the other hand, if Ice never left his car, it does
beg the question as to why he would be jumping around in his car, especially
if it's moving. Not only is that against the law, it's just dangerous.
Like some form of perverse reverse ghost riding.
"Bumper to bumper the avenue's packed"
As has been demonstrated over the course of this song, especially if you
take Ice's jumping around while driving into account, Ice isn't exactly
concerned with following traffic laws and the safety of others. Not
only is Ice jumping around in his car, but he's slamming on the gas
despite the avenue clearly having a heavy traffic flow. The cars
are obviously bumper to bumper and there is Ice jumping around and gunning
his engine. Heck, he's probably causing rear-enders left and right
with his reckless behavior. Ice, don't you think the other motorists
would like to get away from the gunshots same as you? You're not
going to get away any faster by being an asshole.
"I'm trying to get away before the jackers jack"
Well, duh, Ice. So is everyone else. Why do you think that
there was traffic in the first place? Honestly though, maybe Ice
shouldn't be so full of himself. Now, while I still don't know what
a rockman is, at least they were driving Lamborghinis. You? You're
driving a 5.0. Granted, you have a ragtop (so that your hair can blow)
but let's be honest: that's not really increasing your resale value that
much. Of course, it's entirely possible that Ice isn't being urban
at all here. Perhaps he accidentally parked himself outside of an
adult video store and there are some people soliciting handjobs for a few
dollars. Maybe he's just trying to escape that. I know I would,
unless they had soft hands.
"Police on the scene you know what I mean"
Oh yeah, Ice, I know what you mean. You see, I've been involved in
some street altercations myself over the years and while some cops tend
to have slower response times to certain neighborhoods, they will no
doubt arrive on the scene eventually. Especially if someone is
jumping around in their car like a strung out meth addict and revving the
engine while outside of an adult store. Also, there may be some people
who are upset at their marble game may or may not be shooting in your direction.
So, I definitely know what you mean, brother. Still, I'm
not saying that you made this up or anything but I think saw this same thing
on Cops once.
"They passed me up confronted all the dope fiends"
You know, that's just typical of you rap types. Always talking about
how the police roughed you up and treated you unfairly. Maybe they
pulled you over for no reason or maybe harrassed you while you were standing
peacefully in line. No, there is no way that they would have suspected
you of being high, trafficking drugs, or perhaps raping a... wait, what's
that you said? The police passed you up? You mean they left you
alone while continuing to harrass others? Why, that's a miracle!
Oh, wait, no it's not. Ice, I hate to break this to you but
you're white. Of course they passed you up. They likely had
some minorities to bust. Yes, I'm sure you were doing plenty of
illegal things but so were the minorities. Probably. And if
they weren't, doesn't it make you feel that much safer that the cops at
least checked them out? I mean, they COULD have been doing something
wrong. You never know. Because of their fine work, you live
to enjoy Beachfront Avenue another day.
"If there was a problem yo I'll solve it"
As I said earlier, I'm not one to call Ice a liar but I am going to have
to raise my hand and disagree here. You see, there were a number of
problems that just happened, Ice, and you failed to solve any of them.
Unless by using the term "solve" you meant to run in the opposite
direction and hope that you were swift enough to evade bullets and jackers
while the police cleaned everything up. If that's the case, fine work.
I will be sure to look you up next time I need any help in that
arena.
"Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it"
It's hard to say much about this line since Ice ends every verse in the song
the exact same way. However, as stated, it's nice that Ice can provide
a little more direction for the clueless listener. I mean, maybe this
is the first rap song that you ever heard and you have no idea what you're
supposed to do when the hook comes around. At least now you have some
idea. You check it out. Like at a library. His DJ will
revolve "it" while you check it out. Is the DJ revolving the hook? Or
does "it" refer to something else? Ice doesn't tell you because Ice
wants you to think for yourself. Ice wants you to fill in the blanks.
Ice wants you to be his police force on the scene after he's already
tried to get away. Help Ice get away. Not just this time but every
time.
At long last, we have finally reached the end of deconstructing the second verse
and that means that we are two-thirds done with the song. Thankfully, for
the third verse, Ice returns to doing what he does best, namely bragging about
himself and his rhymes. I'm not one to try and critique someone as great
as Ice but it's become plainly clear that that is what he does best and that
he should try and leave telling stories to people more adept at it than he.
Ice just has a tendency to tell really shitty stories which may or not
be true, but in doing so, he leaves out way too many details and the reader
just winds up confused. So, if you will, join me next time on the final
part of our journey through Ice's opus. |
| | (4 comments) - Read Comments - Add Comment - Rate This Update |
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| | RE: Deconstructing Ice #2.5 (#991) - [Reply To Comment]
by Wood (192.91.147.34) on November 27, 2006 (4:45 PM) PST | | Holy mother of crap. I just disembowled myself laughing so hard. You, my friend, have a crowing achievement here. Looking forward to the rest. |
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RE: Deconstructing Ice #2.5 (#993) - [Reply To Comment]
by Mister MLM (209.112.151.23) on November 28, 2006 (5:19 AM) PST | Holy shit, it's the amazing Skip Walker!
RAPIN' WITH SKIP!
RAPIN' WITH SKIP!
SLIP THE RAG IN HER DRINK
IT'S RAPIN' WITH SKIP! |
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| RE: Deconstructing Ice #2.5 (#994) - [Reply To Comment]
by Skip Walker (66.27.122.75) on November 28, 2006 (9:18 AM) PST | | Ah, yes, "Rapin'" With Skip, where the chloroform flows like wine and the humor is always forced. |
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| RE: Deconstructing Ice #2.5 (#995) - [Reply To Comment]
by Mister MLM (209.112.150.140) on November 28, 2006 (8:52 PM) PST | | Y'know, I'd thought about posting that under Pollestad's article and then claiming that I'd travelled into the future from last week to do it, but I don't like getting that metaphysical (I don't actually know what that word means) before lunch. |
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