When I was in Japan last month on tour defending my Ultra Heavyweight Wrestling Championship belt against Godzilla, I came across a couple of tough street youth-types during my travels. These kids were from what they called "the hood" and when I asked what they did all day, they mentioned something about "reppin' the streets and holding the block down." I thought that was mighty noble of them and then began to question whether or not they had gravity in the poor sectors of Japan. That's the only reason I could see for needing to hold one's block down all day long.
Still, despite our language barrier and other insurmountable obstacles such as height, weight, and the fact that I have three arms, we managed to get along rather well. These youths took me under their wing and before I knew it, I was "slangin' cane" like a pro! I also learned that it's hard "rep your city" without at least a passing knowledge of rap music. I learned all about the likes of Young MC, MC Hammer, and Digital Underground. Things were fresh and dope and pretty much everyone replied with "Word up!" to whatever you said. There was some scratching and kids were breaking it down where ever you looked. I even went out and bought me a nice four-finger ring and something the kids called a "gold rope" in order to better help me fit in.
Flash forward thirty days and imagine my shock when I realized that those crazy Japanese kids were about twenty years behind the popularity curve. MC Hammer is bankrupt, Young MC isn't quite so young anymore, and Digital Underground lost one of their best backup dancers when he was bitten by a mosquito and transformed into Tupac. Never one to be caught out of the loop, I decided to hit my local library and find out what I had missed during the past twenty years of rap history. Unfortunately, I contracted a severe case of ADD and didn't have the time or patience to get much past 1990. Much to my relief, this is ok because one of the most prolific rap songs ever made came out in the year of 1990. I'm talking about "Ice Ice Baby" by master hitmaker Vanilla Ice, who only happens to be the third most successful white rapper of all time. He is topped only by the guy from 3rd Base and that one guy from the Fat Boys who always carried around the boombox.
Sadly, while most of the known universe heard, danced, and owned a copy of "Ice Ice Baby," very few people have ever taken the time to really sit down and figure out what it all means. I have, and I am here to share my results with you. Please note that my findings may shock those who are of a weak heart. Additionally, if you're mormon, you too will probably be shocked, but likely for other reasons. So, without further ado, I present you part one of the deconstruction of the rap mgea-hit Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice.
Verse One
"All right stop, collaborate and listen"
Ice starts out his magnum opus with force, letting you know that he is the one in control here. As with most rappers, he's telling you what to do; in this case, that you need to stop whatever you are doing and work on listening with any people in your immediate vicinity. This is a common theme found throughout late 80's/early 90's rap music, evidenced by the opening line of "The Humpty Dance" by Digital Undergound which begins "Alright stop what you're doing." Apparently it was very important that you not be doing anything else while listening to these songs and, in Ice's case, it's best if you don't listen alone. You might need the moral support.
"Ice is back with my brand new invention"
Here, Ice does what is typical of the white American male, which is to claim credit for something he had no part in making. One can infer that Ice is referring to rap music as his invention, which would be false, but it's entirely plausible that Ice is reffering to some other invention he created. However, if the latter is the case, he goes into no further detail as to what that invention is. Perhaps the patent arrangements fell through.
"Something grabs a hold of me tightly"
Ok, really, this doesn't make any sense, even to a great literary scholar such as myself. After speaking briefly about his invention, he jumps straight into something holding him tightly. Now, this could be a reference to a straight jacket or perhaps a mother's nurturing hug, but, again, he fails to elaborate on what exactly is holding him tightly.
"Then I flow like a harpoon daily and nightly"
Harpoons flow? Perhaps he is trying to allude to us that he doesn't flow very well, which may be why he compared his flow to that of a harpoon. If anything, harpoons sail. Maybe it was his life-long dream to become a sail boat captain but his parents forced him into this damn "rap thing" and this is simply his way of rebelling. Whatever the case, he makes sure to point out that he does it both daily and nightly, which is 24 hours a day, and that makes me wonder when he has the time to sleep. Even imaginary sail boat captains need sleep.
"Will it ever stop? Yo -- I don't know"
Mr. Ice asks the eternal question that we've all been asking ourselves. Unfortunately, he is unable to provide much beyond a less than satisfactory answer. Also, at this point you begin to notice a trend in the lyrics to this song: Vanilla tends to jump from one topic to another seemingly without care or concern for the people that he demanded stop and listen to him. Perhaps that is why he asked us all to collaborate, because it'll take a group of us to keep pace as he continues to change topics more often than a doctor changes rubber gloves. I'm still left unfulfilled because I often wish to know what happened to the harpoon mentioned above.
"Turn off the lights and I'll glow"
I don't know about you but I don't think that this could possibly be a good thing. Perhaps he was exposed to radiation as a child or something. Either way, I can imagine that people in the early 1990's invited Vanilla to parties not because of his musical talents but because he made a good table decoration.
"To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal"
Vanilla is letting you know here that he's is not just normal, he is extreme. Extreme like Right Guard. Unfortunately, I am not sure how one can rock a mic like a vandal. Vandals were members of a Germanic people that overran Gaul, Spain and sacked Rome in 455. I'm not sure that they even had microphones back then. But that's just how deep Vanilla gets. He gives you a history lesson while he's rapping to you. White rap forever!
"Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle."
What I believe he is trying to say here is that he will take the competition and continually dip them in hot wax until they form into a candle-like state at which point he would then light them on fire in order to provide stage lighting for his show. How very inventive of him. He's conserving electricity and cutting power costs at the same time. And they say rap people are usless. He's an environmentalist for Christ's sake. Of course, if he's not referring to that, than I have no idea what he is saying with that line.
"Dance, bum rush the speaker that booms"
Now, for those who are not hip to the lingo, a "bum rush" is a means of attacking someone or something (usually by a group) with the reckless abandon and fervor of one who has nothing to lose. So, apparently, even though you've already stopped and gathered a group friends together to listen, you've now been directed to gather those same friends and dance while at the same time attacking the speaker that booms. Hopefully this speaker is not a friend's speaker or the speaker of someone you know personally because it may be damaged during all the dancing and bum rushing. If are you are alone and/or not good at dancing, you are not allowed past this point in the song and you can only return when you are able to follow all the directions properly.
"I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom"
There are many kinds of poisonous mushrooms out in the wild with names such as Amanitas, False Morels, Jack-O'-Lantern, and Green-spored Lepiota. Vanilla Ice is saying that he is a lot like these types of mushrooms. Therefore, you should not confuse Vanilla Ice with those types of mushrooms which are non-poisonous (or edible) such as Puffballs, Shaggy Mane, or Coral Fungi because he is nothing like those.
"Deadly, when I play a dope melody"
And lo! Beware when Vanilla decides to play a dope melody because he might be deadly. I believe I once saw an episode of the Crocodile Hunter when he came across Vanilla Ice when he was playing a dope melody. Let's just say that it almost didn't turn out well for Steve Irwin. Vanilla Ice is not as strong or as wily as Steve Irwin.
"Anything less than the best is a felony"
Thankfully, this isn't true, or the people who shop at Walmart religiously would be in jail. Actually, come to think of it, the people who do shop at Walmart religiously should be in jail. Vanilla Ice was merely a pioneer that was ahead of his time in this regard.
"Love it or leave it, you better gain way"
Basically, what he is saying here is that on the surface, you have two choices: you can love it or leave it. However, it doesn't really matter which one you choose because you only have one real choice which is to gain way. Apparently Vanilla Ice never read any of the Choose Your Own Adventure books. So, depending on what "it" is, you may want to either love it or leave it but, in the end, you had better just make sure that you gain way or else you may face some time in the penalty box of death.
"You better hit bull's eye, the kid don't play"
Again with the changing of topics on the fly. I think this may be a follow-up reference to the harpoon mentioned above but I can't be sure. Decoding Ice's lyrics is sometimes akin to trying to make heads or tails of ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics. In other words, there is a lot of guess work involved. Still, he makes his point clear. He was never allowed outside during recess because he was such a bad-ass in school and if you ever want to challenge him, make sure that there is some kind of bull's eye target around so that you may have some chance at winning.
"If there was a problem, yo, I'll solve it"
Switching gears from his "I'm a deadly poisonous harpoon mushroom" thing, Ice spends the last remaining bar showing us his softer side. He's reaching out to the neighborhood where he grew up, showing them that they can be anything they want to be. In Vanilla's case, he opted to become a private detective and is willing to lend a hand to anyone that needs help. For example, if your bird ran away or your pet cat is in a tree, be sure to call on Vanilla Ice because he can solve the problem with minimal effort.
"Check out the hook while my dj revolves it"
Hook? Possibly another allusion to the mythical harpoon? Sadly, no. A hook, for the uninitated, is a slang term sometimes used by superstar rappers to describe the chorus of the song. Here, Ice is letting us know that we can contemplate all of our problems while his DJ revolves "it" for a while. In my opinion, this is a very well placed "hook", since it allows the listener time to meditate on his or her problems for a number of bars without missing anything crucial to the song. Then, whenever such a problem is discovered, you can simply relay that back to Vanilla Ice and he will solve it for you.
Unfortunately, that is all the time and space that we have available today. Be sure to stay tuned for part two of this on-going series as we unravel the mystery that is Ice Ice Baby. Verse two is coming up next.
Still, despite our language barrier and other insurmountable obstacles such as height, weight, and the fact that I have three arms, we managed to get along rather well. These youths took me under their wing and before I knew it, I was "slangin' cane" like a pro! I also learned that it's hard "rep your city" without at least a passing knowledge of rap music. I learned all about the likes of Young MC, MC Hammer, and Digital Underground. Things were fresh and dope and pretty much everyone replied with "Word up!" to whatever you said. There was some scratching and kids were breaking it down where ever you looked. I even went out and bought me a nice four-finger ring and something the kids called a "gold rope" in order to better help me fit in.
Flash forward thirty days and imagine my shock when I realized that those crazy Japanese kids were about twenty years behind the popularity curve. MC Hammer is bankrupt, Young MC isn't quite so young anymore, and Digital Underground lost one of their best backup dancers when he was bitten by a mosquito and transformed into Tupac. Never one to be caught out of the loop, I decided to hit my local library and find out what I had missed during the past twenty years of rap history. Unfortunately, I contracted a severe case of ADD and didn't have the time or patience to get much past 1990. Much to my relief, this is ok because one of the most prolific rap songs ever made came out in the year of 1990. I'm talking about "Ice Ice Baby" by master hitmaker Vanilla Ice, who only happens to be the third most successful white rapper of all time. He is topped only by the guy from 3rd Base and that one guy from the Fat Boys who always carried around the boombox.
Sadly, while most of the known universe heard, danced, and owned a copy of "Ice Ice Baby," very few people have ever taken the time to really sit down and figure out what it all means. I have, and I am here to share my results with you. Please note that my findings may shock those who are of a weak heart. Additionally, if you're mormon, you too will probably be shocked, but likely for other reasons. So, without further ado, I present you part one of the deconstruction of the rap mgea-hit Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice.
Verse One
"All right stop, collaborate and listen"
Ice starts out his magnum opus with force, letting you know that he is the one in control here. As with most rappers, he's telling you what to do; in this case, that you need to stop whatever you are doing and work on listening with any people in your immediate vicinity. This is a common theme found throughout late 80's/early 90's rap music, evidenced by the opening line of "The Humpty Dance" by Digital Undergound which begins "Alright stop what you're doing." Apparently it was very important that you not be doing anything else while listening to these songs and, in Ice's case, it's best if you don't listen alone. You might need the moral support.
"Ice is back with my brand new invention"
Here, Ice does what is typical of the white American male, which is to claim credit for something he had no part in making. One can infer that Ice is referring to rap music as his invention, which would be false, but it's entirely plausible that Ice is reffering to some other invention he created. However, if the latter is the case, he goes into no further detail as to what that invention is. Perhaps the patent arrangements fell through.
"Something grabs a hold of me tightly"
Ok, really, this doesn't make any sense, even to a great literary scholar such as myself. After speaking briefly about his invention, he jumps straight into something holding him tightly. Now, this could be a reference to a straight jacket or perhaps a mother's nurturing hug, but, again, he fails to elaborate on what exactly is holding him tightly.
"Then I flow like a harpoon daily and nightly"
Harpoons flow? Perhaps he is trying to allude to us that he doesn't flow very well, which may be why he compared his flow to that of a harpoon. If anything, harpoons sail. Maybe it was his life-long dream to become a sail boat captain but his parents forced him into this damn "rap thing" and this is simply his way of rebelling. Whatever the case, he makes sure to point out that he does it both daily and nightly, which is 24 hours a day, and that makes me wonder when he has the time to sleep. Even imaginary sail boat captains need sleep.
"Will it ever stop? Yo -- I don't know"
Mr. Ice asks the eternal question that we've all been asking ourselves. Unfortunately, he is unable to provide much beyond a less than satisfactory answer. Also, at this point you begin to notice a trend in the lyrics to this song: Vanilla tends to jump from one topic to another seemingly without care or concern for the people that he demanded stop and listen to him. Perhaps that is why he asked us all to collaborate, because it'll take a group of us to keep pace as he continues to change topics more often than a doctor changes rubber gloves. I'm still left unfulfilled because I often wish to know what happened to the harpoon mentioned above.
"Turn off the lights and I'll glow"
I don't know about you but I don't think that this could possibly be a good thing. Perhaps he was exposed to radiation as a child or something. Either way, I can imagine that people in the early 1990's invited Vanilla to parties not because of his musical talents but because he made a good table decoration.
"To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal"
Vanilla is letting you know here that he's is not just normal, he is extreme. Extreme like Right Guard. Unfortunately, I am not sure how one can rock a mic like a vandal. Vandals were members of a Germanic people that overran Gaul, Spain and sacked Rome in 455. I'm not sure that they even had microphones back then. But that's just how deep Vanilla gets. He gives you a history lesson while he's rapping to you. White rap forever!
"Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle."
What I believe he is trying to say here is that he will take the competition and continually dip them in hot wax until they form into a candle-like state at which point he would then light them on fire in order to provide stage lighting for his show. How very inventive of him. He's conserving electricity and cutting power costs at the same time. And they say rap people are usless. He's an environmentalist for Christ's sake. Of course, if he's not referring to that, than I have no idea what he is saying with that line.
"Dance, bum rush the speaker that booms"
Now, for those who are not hip to the lingo, a "bum rush" is a means of attacking someone or something (usually by a group) with the reckless abandon and fervor of one who has nothing to lose. So, apparently, even though you've already stopped and gathered a group friends together to listen, you've now been directed to gather those same friends and dance while at the same time attacking the speaker that booms. Hopefully this speaker is not a friend's speaker or the speaker of someone you know personally because it may be damaged during all the dancing and bum rushing. If are you are alone and/or not good at dancing, you are not allowed past this point in the song and you can only return when you are able to follow all the directions properly.
"I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom"
There are many kinds of poisonous mushrooms out in the wild with names such as Amanitas, False Morels, Jack-O'-Lantern, and Green-spored Lepiota. Vanilla Ice is saying that he is a lot like these types of mushrooms. Therefore, you should not confuse Vanilla Ice with those types of mushrooms which are non-poisonous (or edible) such as Puffballs, Shaggy Mane, or Coral Fungi because he is nothing like those.
"Deadly, when I play a dope melody"
And lo! Beware when Vanilla decides to play a dope melody because he might be deadly. I believe I once saw an episode of the Crocodile Hunter when he came across Vanilla Ice when he was playing a dope melody. Let's just say that it almost didn't turn out well for Steve Irwin. Vanilla Ice is not as strong or as wily as Steve Irwin.
"Anything less than the best is a felony"
Thankfully, this isn't true, or the people who shop at Walmart religiously would be in jail. Actually, come to think of it, the people who do shop at Walmart religiously should be in jail. Vanilla Ice was merely a pioneer that was ahead of his time in this regard.
"Love it or leave it, you better gain way"
Basically, what he is saying here is that on the surface, you have two choices: you can love it or leave it. However, it doesn't really matter which one you choose because you only have one real choice which is to gain way. Apparently Vanilla Ice never read any of the Choose Your Own Adventure books. So, depending on what "it" is, you may want to either love it or leave it but, in the end, you had better just make sure that you gain way or else you may face some time in the penalty box of death.
"You better hit bull's eye, the kid don't play"
Again with the changing of topics on the fly. I think this may be a follow-up reference to the harpoon mentioned above but I can't be sure. Decoding Ice's lyrics is sometimes akin to trying to make heads or tails of ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics. In other words, there is a lot of guess work involved. Still, he makes his point clear. He was never allowed outside during recess because he was such a bad-ass in school and if you ever want to challenge him, make sure that there is some kind of bull's eye target around so that you may have some chance at winning.
"If there was a problem, yo, I'll solve it"
Switching gears from his "I'm a deadly poisonous harpoon mushroom" thing, Ice spends the last remaining bar showing us his softer side. He's reaching out to the neighborhood where he grew up, showing them that they can be anything they want to be. In Vanilla's case, he opted to become a private detective and is willing to lend a hand to anyone that needs help. For example, if your bird ran away or your pet cat is in a tree, be sure to call on Vanilla Ice because he can solve the problem with minimal effort.
"Check out the hook while my dj revolves it"
Hook? Possibly another allusion to the mythical harpoon? Sadly, no. A hook, for the uninitated, is a slang term sometimes used by superstar rappers to describe the chorus of the song. Here, Ice is letting us know that we can contemplate all of our problems while his DJ revolves "it" for a while. In my opinion, this is a very well placed "hook", since it allows the listener time to meditate on his or her problems for a number of bars without missing anything crucial to the song. Then, whenever such a problem is discovered, you can simply relay that back to Vanilla Ice and he will solve it for you.
Unfortunately, that is all the time and space that we have available today. Be sure to stay tuned for part two of this on-going series as we unravel the mystery that is Ice Ice Baby. Verse two is coming up next.