Ah, the start of a new month is upon us, bringing the winds of change, the beginning of new things, and a chance for the P.Net Accounting department to cook the books from last month in an effort to hide the fact that we purchased a small coastal island for tax evasion purposes. But what it also means is that it's time for another edition of the P.Net Mailbag, letters written by real people using real words that we mostly can't understand. People seem fond of asking us all kinds of things from personal problems to questions about space. We're like camp counsellors without the inappropriate touching and threats. So, once again the talented staff at the P.Net Bureau Of Answers is here to help.
Dear P.Net,
I'm in my late thirties and recently divorced. I'd like to get back into the dating scene again but I've lost a good amount of my hair and am going bald. I was wondering if you could provide me with any advice that might help?
-- Richard
Richard (or can we call you Dick?).
Having courted a number of phillies in our day (and discounting those that filed charges), we think we have a pretty good idea of what makes women tick and the solution to your dating problems can be summed up in two words: comb over. Little known fact: chicks dig guys who cling to their last vestage of dome follicles by carefully combing hair from the back or side of the head until it reaches the other side. "Why did the hair cross the head?" "To get lots of women, of course!" We're glad you came to us first with this question because we don't beat around the bush. You won't find this kind of secret advice in Maxim or Playboy. They don't want you to know! Short of a comb over (should it not be possible), we suggest wearing pink. Pink is in these days. Fashion magazines are proclaiming that pink is the new pink. Use these tips and ride the wave to a newfound promiscuous lifestyle.
Hi,
I love the site. I was wondering if it's dangerous to eat paper. Because I eat a lot of it and was curious.
-- P.J.
Hello P.J.,
You remind us of an intern we used to have here. He would always do stupid things like eat paper and scissors. One time, he came to the company Halloween party dressed as a gothic leprechaun. All black suit, grayscale clovers, and a pot full of Cure albums. Classic. He also liked Robocop. Do you like Robocop? Anyway, he got all mad at us for firing him, not so much for the fact that we fired him but that we set him on fire first before we told him. We really do miss him around here. Oh, and stop eating paper dumbass. Go out and get some real food.
pollestad.net,
I would really like to get into the sport of car racing. Do you have any information on how I can do that?
-- Jake
Hi Jake,
No. Ok, seriously, no. The only experience we have with racing cars around here is when we get all hopped up on PCP and drop acid. We then proceed to drive around the parking lot. Who would have thought that elephants could drive cars so good? They beat us everytime!
Hello,
I recently started seeing this really nice girl and we've been getting along really well. The only problem is that her music tastes are way different than mine. She likes Jazz while I prefer rocking out to Iron Maiden. What should I do?
-- Bill
Bill,
Have you tried using violence to get your way? We generally suggest that people try physical abuse as a first solution to any problem. Unless she's bigger than you. Like that one time that Paul from HR was dating that bodybuilder. That was pretty funny. Should violence not be an option for you, we suggest that you both simply try to listen to a new form of music together. Something like, say, N'Sync. We love N'Sync around the office. Those guys can do no wrong. Who needs radio when you can simply put their greatest hits on endless loop? Either that or date her sister.
And that brings yet another mailbag edition to a close. We always feel a little better after mailbag days, knowing that we helped those who could not help themselves. Kind of like that guy who's crutches we stole this morning. Oh man, that was funny. See you next time!
Dear P.Net,
I'm in my late thirties and recently divorced. I'd like to get back into the dating scene again but I've lost a good amount of my hair and am going bald. I was wondering if you could provide me with any advice that might help?
-- Richard
Richard (or can we call you Dick?).
Having courted a number of phillies in our day (and discounting those that filed charges), we think we have a pretty good idea of what makes women tick and the solution to your dating problems can be summed up in two words: comb over. Little known fact: chicks dig guys who cling to their last vestage of dome follicles by carefully combing hair from the back or side of the head until it reaches the other side. "Why did the hair cross the head?" "To get lots of women, of course!" We're glad you came to us first with this question because we don't beat around the bush. You won't find this kind of secret advice in Maxim or Playboy. They don't want you to know! Short of a comb over (should it not be possible), we suggest wearing pink. Pink is in these days. Fashion magazines are proclaiming that pink is the new pink. Use these tips and ride the wave to a newfound promiscuous lifestyle.
Hi,
I love the site. I was wondering if it's dangerous to eat paper. Because I eat a lot of it and was curious.
-- P.J.
Hello P.J.,
You remind us of an intern we used to have here. He would always do stupid things like eat paper and scissors. One time, he came to the company Halloween party dressed as a gothic leprechaun. All black suit, grayscale clovers, and a pot full of Cure albums. Classic. He also liked Robocop. Do you like Robocop? Anyway, he got all mad at us for firing him, not so much for the fact that we fired him but that we set him on fire first before we told him. We really do miss him around here. Oh, and stop eating paper dumbass. Go out and get some real food.
pollestad.net,
I would really like to get into the sport of car racing. Do you have any information on how I can do that?
-- Jake
Hi Jake,
No. Ok, seriously, no. The only experience we have with racing cars around here is when we get all hopped up on PCP and drop acid. We then proceed to drive around the parking lot. Who would have thought that elephants could drive cars so good? They beat us everytime!
Hello,
I recently started seeing this really nice girl and we've been getting along really well. The only problem is that her music tastes are way different than mine. She likes Jazz while I prefer rocking out to Iron Maiden. What should I do?
-- Bill
Bill,
Have you tried using violence to get your way? We generally suggest that people try physical abuse as a first solution to any problem. Unless she's bigger than you. Like that one time that Paul from HR was dating that bodybuilder. That was pretty funny. Should violence not be an option for you, we suggest that you both simply try to listen to a new form of music together. Something like, say, N'Sync. We love N'Sync around the office. Those guys can do no wrong. Who needs radio when you can simply put their greatest hits on endless loop? Either that or date her sister.
And that brings yet another mailbag edition to a close. We always feel a little better after mailbag days, knowing that we helped those who could not help themselves. Kind of like that guy who's crutches we stole this morning. Oh man, that was funny. See you next time!