For many of us who use the internet regularly, we'd all be a little more lost if it wasn't for Google. The vast amount of information at our fingertips is incredible and growing larger with every second. Maybe you're curious about the lyrics to your new favorite song or the mating habits of mallards. Chances are you don't know the answers so you turn to Google.

Google recently unveiled a new feature called "Suggestions" which types out suggested search items for you in real time, thereby saving you the trouble of actually having to complete a sentence. Each suggestion also shows the total number of search results that exist for that phrase. Unfortunately, not all of these suggestions are really on target with what you're searching for. So, today, we have a little fun with Google's new feature.

Are you single and desperately looking for love? Google may have the answer as to why you're having trouble finding a mate. If you're not a black man or a white guy, this may explain it. However, becoming a DJ clearly tops them all. Bonus points if you're a white DJ.

As deeply saddened as I am that there exists over 47 million results relating to the question of whether women are humans, I think that the real travesty here is the fact that women may potentially be marginalized in South African sport. I didn't know that South Africa had sports, let alone women.

Anti-Christ, Muslim, terrorist? Such lies. Now, Barack Obama being Irish and my new bicycle, those are things I can stand behind!

Hmm, I seem to have just lit my face on fire. I better search google and find out what to do.

Youtube not working and ipod sync issues rule the day but the real question is why doesn't God come down off of his high horse and heal all of the amputees. I'm happy to know that I'm not the only one wondering.

The amount of effort it would take it type out "what do you get when you multiply six by nine" in a Google search box is clearly much less than it would take to start the calculator program on your PC. At least more than 500,000 people thought so and decided that question was so important, web pages needed to be made about it. What about five by nine? Where's the love? Also, what do you do with a drunken sailor? Anything you want, I guess.

Spiderman better be real if he's going to be having me for dinner tonight. I hate being stood up.

Economy? Unemployment? Nah, that's not what is bugging society right now. We're running around on the internet wondering why we can't own a Canadian or finish our waffle. Those are the issues that are important to us.

What is a question? Good qu--, hrm. Nice qu--... what the hell is that thing called that you just asked? Christ, I wish I knew! Perhaps I can go on a quest to find out such information. If only I knew what a quest was...

Sure, I could ask you about your kids or dinosaurs but today I think I am more interested in your wiener or explosive diarrhea. Also, more than 400,000 have a page somewhere out there on the internet discussing their wiener and yet choose to spell it incorrectly. Last I checked, Google auto-corrects, you know.

A fourth of July in England? Yes, I'm sure they can't wait for that time of year to come around and celebrate the fact that they got whooped up on by a bunch of renegade colonists. Thankfully, myself, much like most other Americans, are more concerned about whether Disney plans on making another High School Musical installment.

Yeah, why is it called the White House? Racial conspiracy I bet! Also, black Friday. Everything has to be so damned racial! Google, help me out!

Google knows everything. Actually, looking at the picture, it would appear that a lot of people know where you left your keys, so I would wager that your car is no longer where you parked it either. Also, if you had your camera and ipod in your car, I bet your wishing you invested in Lojack right about now.

That's just about all of the time we have for suggestions today. However, this topic is a never-ending fountain of amusement and another edition may follow soon. I've got the questions as long as Google has the answers.

Little known fact about me: I am easily persuaded. I'm also a compulsive liar so the previous statement that I just made isn't really true. However, I do like taking the easy road to get what I need so why should I be bothered to do a lot of typing when searching online? Why not rely on Google to suggest items that I should be viewing? Why come up with an original idea when it's three times easier to simply write a sequel to a previous update? I don't know the answers to any of those questions because I'm still too upset that this is the final season of ER to care but that didn't stop me from typing a bunch of other questions into Google and laughing at the results.

Sources on this one vary but most religious tomes say that the prime age for a cat to start learning about Jesus is between one and two years old. Anything more or less and the cat will start foaming at the mouth, have spastic convulsions, and reject Jesus as our lord and savior. Also, if you're teaching your cats about religion, then you really need a new hobby, preferably one that involves you breathing through a tube that is connected to your exhaust pipe.

Poor Saakashvili. I'm not sure what you did to piss off those 7,500 people but I really feel bad for your balls. Drop me a line sometime if you ever need another pair. I've been killing transient people for years and I have plenty of spare parts.

While I can sympathize with the fact that you have no friends, the fact that you might also be wondering why you have so much gas leads me to believe that one might be causing the other. Also, if you're peeing all the time and speak about nothing but your green poop, you're not exactly the life of the party. (Unless said party takes place in a bathroom and it just so happens to be St. Patrick's Day.)

Thanks to Google, we can finally put to rest the age old argument about whether rape is funny or not funny. Apparently, 2.3 million more people think that rape is funny versus not so it's time to jump on the bandwagon. Also, you'd be hard pressed to argue with the logic that rape is like saying hello, just more violent. I don't think rape is anything like the weather.

When did you stop beating your wife? When I got tired. Alternative answer: when she started showing. With twins. Twins who were smoking and dressed in maternity clothes. That's the stuff of nightmares. You only have yourself to blame, wife.

You know, I understand that the guy gets a bad rap in some circles but for crying out loud, he already turned water into wine and then died for your sins. I think that after all that, he deserves a little ice cream without having to dance around and make chimpanzee sounds while doing the electric slide. Although that would be pretty cool.

Can your monkey do the dog? Well, I suppose that all depends on how motivated he is. Or how slutty your dog is. Why are you even asking this? Do you even supervise your animals? Seriously though, about asking about the marriage working out thing, chances are good that if you're consulting the internet/Google for advice, probably not.

Is it wrong to laugh? No. Is it wrong to not vote? No. Is it wrong to drink? No. Is it wrong to sleep with your cousin? I don't know, is he/she hot? If the answer is no, then yes. However, it should be noted for the record that it is never, ever, ever wrong to wish on space hardware. Space hardware is my BFF.

God is great. God is also not great. What you probably didn't know is that God is an astronaut and an absolutely outstanding DJ. Unfortunately, I didn't find out until after I booked him that the only music he has on hand are songs by Amy Grant and that one Cher song that he really likes.

Sure, the election was important but that's old news now. Real people demand real answers and the real people really want to know why this "flyer" is pink. Hopefully, one of those 2.4 million web pages has an answer. It would simply be a travesty not to know. Also, I hope that one of those 2.4 million people realize that it's spelled flier not flyer.

The answer is "yes" to everything above with the exception of the fat girls part. Boys don't like fat girls, real men do. Boys stick to skinny virgin girls and read Twilight while on their periods.

I don't know about you but I'm feeling pretty damn enlightened right now. Granted, that feeling has less to do with what I've written about above and more to do with the fact that I just ate an entire dictionary for lunch while punching myself in the genitals. That's the kind of shit Google can't tell you about. Even supercomputers have their limitations. Fret not, however, for it won't be long before I am once again lonely and staying up late at night asking for Google to be my friend. Until then, I'm out like power in a poor neighborhood.

A little over ten months ago, we ran a series of updates that detailed the then new feature of Google suggestions, an attempt by the search engine to auto-complete the topics that you may be looking for. Unfortunately for them (and fortunate for us), the filtering of suggestions wasn't very strict when the service debuted and much fun was had typing in random topics to see what inane, random, related results would come up. It took a few weeks and some public notice but eventually Google refined the algorithm for offering up suggestions and the party, it seemed, was over.

Flash forward to now. Google still remains the number one search engine on the internet and the amount of stupid people creating content continues to grow. It's no surprise then to find that some wonderfully hilarious suggestions have started to creep back in to otherwise innocent search topics. Sure, it takes a bit more work and a lot more patience but honestly, if you're the type of person who gets off on things like this, wasting copious amounts of time on trivial tasks also probably doesn't bother you. We here at the P.Net Department Of Searchable Internet Terms have put our best and brightest at work to compile a brand new list of all of the things you shouldn't be searching for.

Why? Why do you search Google for this? Why have enough other people searched for this that it comes up as a suggestion? That being said, if you and your son are serious about the need to "plow" me, could you at least forward me a copy of his sexual resume for my review? While I admit that I don't have high standards, I don't allow just anyone's son to plow me without good reason or a bottle of 151. Also, please let me know if the son who wants to plow me is the same son who wants to wear panties. Inquiring minds need to know.

This one time, I almost died because I choked on some ramen noodles that I was eating for lunch. Shortly thereafter, some ninja broke into my kitchen and started nunchuking me while I was still choking. It hurt pretty bad. Chinese people are to blame for both of these things.

Things I am also extremely terrified of:
1. my shadow
2. green beans
3. pencils
3. Japanese people (because they look so much like Chinese people)
5. the number 4
6. people who question my absurdly racist values

Look, I'm not stupid. I know that they have those election things and that everyone is out asking everyone else to rock the vote or whatever but all I am asking is who actually elects the President? I just want his name. This doesn't have to be difficult.

Mr. Jenkins, based upon the financial information you have provided us, your current net salary and projected future earnings, it's the bank's decision that you can afford 3 seasons of House on DVD. However, we're willing to upgrade your status to 4 full seasons but only if you promise to buy used copies off eBay.

Seriously? I am all for being lazy and making Google do all of the work but I imagine the trouble involved in opening up a web browser, loading up the Google page, typing in "what's the date" into the search box, clicking search, and then sorting through the provided results is just slightly more involved than simply HOLDING YOUR MOUSE CURSOR OVER YOUR COMPUTER CLOCK AND WATCHING THE DATE POP-UP. But maybe that's just me.

It is an extremely scientific process that involves seltzer water and the consumption of a Boston creme pie during the months of February or March. Also, having sex.

Well, what if you didn't have a dutch oven? The entire fragile underwater ecosystem would collapse into a smoldering ruin leaving huge numbers of sea life homeless and without the means to support themselves. This would create a huge influx of water-based immigrants into the United States which would fracture our already divided population on the policies of letting illegals integrate into our society and the huge increase in welfare recipients would bring our under-equipped financial sector to the brink of total destruction. Good thing you really do have a dutch oven and you were just goofing around at work typing hypothetical scenarios into Google. The rest of America thanks you.

Yes, I really need to pee but I absolutely hate going all by myself. I guess I better load up Google and see who else needs to also go pee right now. If I know that other people in the world also have to go pee, I will feel much better about doing it myself. No, I'm not insecure. Why would you say that? Oh, crap. 20,900,000 results. This could take a while. I hope I don-- too late. OK, time for a new Google search: "Help, I just peed in my pants."

Possible reasons your bird refuses to eat your diarrhea:

1. he isn't hungry
2. he plans on going swimming soon and would like to avoid cramps
3. still clinging to his atkins diet
4. he has an eating disorder and is simply crying out for attention
5. religious fasting
6. birds don't eat diarrhea you sick fuck

While I don't have much experience in dealing with husband problems, namely because America still refuses to legally allow me to marry another man, I can offer the following advice:

Perhaps your husband hates and ignores you because you constantly nag him about being a depressed, unemployed alcoholic who cheats on you. Try sharing his interests and see if any of these are activities that you can do together. Or, maybe just stop being a nagging bitch who searches Google every time she has a problem with her husband. All that time wasting on the internet could have been better spent cleaning the house or cooking a nice meal for your man. Love is a two-way street, sister.

Personally, I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger who plays Harriet Tubman in a Broadway-on-ice production while wearing a tuxedo shirt but I guess the goodness of the lord comes in a very close second. Also, I am pretty sure that one man doesn't constitute a pack of anything, regardless of what you like to think about yourself.

Little known fact: I spend my weekends hanging out with meth dealers and addicts because I too am all about speed. Hot, nasty, bad ass speed. Also, I am all about popcorn. Hot, nasty, bad ass popcorn. Clearly the best kind of popcorn. This kind of popcorn is great because this kind of popcorn is good.

It's, uh, for research and is in no way related to the fact that I just drugged and kidnapped a quadriplegic under the misconception that they could, in fact, get an erection but the one quadriplegic that I don't have tied up in my basement doesn't seem to be functioning as planned and now I am starting to second guess the entire plan that I didn't come up with or execute flawlessly and I figured that maybe I should ask Google about my non-situation. Also, I have updated my facebook status: Do you think a quadriplegic would find me attractive? But that was strictly a coincidence.

Stick around, more fun with Google awaits in a future update. Or does it? Honestly, I'm not really sure myself because I typed "more fun with Google awaits" into Google but it took me to a website that had pictures of a corn field maze and now all I can think about is Thanksgiving and the movie Signs. This year, I am extremely thankful that I haven't been subjected to watching Signs again. The search "why does m night shyamalan suck" returns over 800,000 results. Good for you, internet. Good for you.

Internet searching has come a long way in the last few years. It used to be that for any random search item you were looking for, you had to be prepared to wade through pages of search results before you found one that was relevant to the topic you were looking up. Now that the majority of the internet is indexed, this cuts down the time spent on sifting through search results dramatically which results in you having more spare time. Time you can use to search for more stuff.

But what if you're not sure what you want to search for? Don't worry, search engine technology has evolved in such a way that it will now provide you suggestions for topics based on what you type in. Some of these suggestions are paths best not traveled but that doesn't stop us from doing screen captures and posting about them. And so, we continue with another addition in our Google Suggestions series of updates where we venture to places on the internet that no sane person ever should just to bring you some quick entertainment. No, we don't ask for payment -- we've already got all of your banking information thanks to spyware that we embedded in this update. No further action is required on your part!

There isn't much that you can do to stop us at this point so you might as well sit back and enjoy some more search suggestion gems that we've stumbled across.

This doesn't sound like a Google search so much as it sounds like you bragging to Google about how awesome you and your roommate are. Like, there isn't even room for a question there. It's just so matter of fact. You're typing a statement into the search box because that's how confident you are. What is Google going to do, disagree with you and talk trash? You have a freakin' ninja for a roommate. No one in their right mind would disrespect you. Not unless they wanted to undergo month-long reconstructive surgery while their jaw healed, that is.

If you find yourself asking questions about yourself into Google as opposed to asking parents, friends, or a therapist, chances are high that yes, you are a sociopath. See also: am I a loser?

True story: one time I was walking down the street and this bum came up and started asking for change. I told him that I would give him some change if he could answer a simple question. A joke, if you will. He readily agreed because he was very poor and needed the money for a sandwich. So I said, "knock, knock" and he just stared at me with a blank expression. I threw a penny at his face and walked off laughing because deep down, I am a very cruel person and telling knock knock jokes to people who don't have any doors is a very mean thing to do. The next Christmas, I got nothing but coal in my stocking.

I wonder wtf is up with Google -- guess I better ask Google. Also, seriously, Megan Fox is hot and all but her thumb? What the fuck? That shit totally makes me go soft when I masturbate furiously to her pictures.

My friend says no but I totally once saw this movie where Danny Devito was carrying a child and Hollywood has never steered me wrong before so I figured it best to ask Google so that I can prove my friend wrong. She's totally going to have to buy me lunch once I click "submit" and sift through the glorious results that will surely be in my favor because I once read this science book where it said boys can get pregnant.

When properly seasoned, yes. I prefer to use a little red pepper mixed with a pinch of salt for best results.

I don't know how you plan on raising your own family but to me, religious preference is extremely important when I am choosing superheros for my child to idolize. I mean, seriously, you can't just let your children run around worshiping any old crazy with a cape. Especially if he is Jewish. What if the bank you're in is being robbed.. during Hanukkah? Who is going to come to the rescue? Certainly not Jewish Superman. No sir. I will take Atheist Man as my superhero of choice, thank you very much. He may not believe in a higher power but as long as he uses his higher power to save my stupid ass from trouble, we're all good. I can chastise his lack of faith after he has pulled me out of the burning building.

Yes, yes it does. No need to do any further research. You can just take my word for it. Yes, I have a medical degree and am therefore qualified to answer your question. No, you don't need to check. Facts aren't something you need to concern yourself with at this point in time. You've got teeth to clean. You can thank me when you're done.

Yep, just had a nice bowel movement. I feel pretty good about it. I better get on the internet and tell Google all about it. You know, maybe meet up with other people who have also recently taken dumps. Seriously, why are people blogging/searching for things like this? And why are there three different variations on the same thing? "The dump I just took doesn't qualify as 'huge' so I better type in 'massive' instead to better convey the size of dump that I just took. Afterward, I took a shower.

This search starts out innocently enough. A man simply wondering if he can sell his kidney. We're all going through tough economic times and you do have two to part with. What better way to make a little bit of side cash? Unfortunately, as the suggestions continue, it looks as though someone got a taste of kidney money and since they already sold their own, they probably started to kidnap hookers/runaway children and harvest their organs for money. Admittedly, it's better than a 9-5 job. So, now you have a bunch of kidneys to sell that aren't yours. What to do? Revise your previous search a bit to reflect the new state of the kidneys you are trying to sell. Can I sell "a" kidney? Classy.

I'm no psychologist but I am pretty sure that having any kind of obsession or interest in the bowel movements of fat people is not a healthy pastime to have. On the plus side, I am now writing Obama a letter detailing my theory that, yes, fat people are the cause of global warming thanks to all of the facts that I have obtained from an internet search. Do fat people lose weight faster? Apparently not -- they're still fat.

We've got plenty more idiocy archived so there is likely be a future installment on this topic soon. We don't know how soon because the portion of our brain that was used to plan things has long since been eroded thanks to years of drug abuse and watching Power Rangers. Have you run across a funny search suggestion that made no sense? Send it in and we might just add it to our collection without ever giving you credit for the submission. The field of specializing in internet searching is already pretty full and we don't like to encourage people to get big heads about the whole thing. P.Net: we crush your dreams and profit off of them.

You know, I'm going to be real honest, which is pretty rare because most of the time I say that I am going to be honest but I am lying when I say that. However, this time I said REAL honest, so you know that I am probably telling the truth. Or at least trying not to lie as hard as I usually do. Whatever. As I put out more and more updates in this series, it's getting harder and harder to figure out things to write in the introductions that hasn't already been covered. I mean, I'm talking pictures from suggestions that Google offers me when searching and then talking about them. How many different ways can you spin that? Sure, you can always spend the introduction talking about how you've run out of things to talk about that are relevant to the update below but, honestly, that's kind of taking the easy way out and that isn't something that I would ever do.

I will admit, though, that Google isn't making future editions easy. They keep refining their suggestions algorithm and they're getting pretty good at weeding out all the ones that originally made the idea so fun. Still, you can't fix everything, Google, no matter how hard you try because human stupidity will outsmart your engineers every single time. But look at me trying to take the limelight away from the heart of this piece: the suggestions. Let's get on to getting on about reading about whatever it was that Google suggested to me while I was most definitely not searching for ways to make Zebra pancakes.

Ah, Jaws, the late 1970's coming-of-age movie about a little shark trying to make it in the big bad ocean. A true classic to be sure. A classic that would be absolutely ruined if made today, in a time when Hollywood is all about special effects and explosions. Heck, they'd probably turn it into some kind of horror movie where the shark went crazy and ate a bunch of people in the water while completely ignoring the tone and message of the original films. Anything to make a quick buck, I guess.

Get girl date. Money buy drunken time. Optional roofie. Acquire bed for woman. Naked. Stick penis vagina. Rapid back forth. Build climax. Sexy explosion sperm. No face. Sperm attack egg. Invade. Baby nine months.

Yeah, who are "they" and why are they making up words for a disease which I probably don't have and making up names for holidays that I never heard of. Pfft.. "easter." It doesn't even sound like a real word. It's like THEY aren't even trying.

Yes, I'm an activist but I am also unsure of myself. I strongly believe in protecting the environment but I also second guess myself. The BP oil spill has devastated the gulf coast and I feel adamant about making them pay for the damage they did. Or do I? I'm really not sure. Perhaps I should get my information from Google and move on from there. I mean, I like the idea of a boycott but I don't want to be the only doing it, you know?

I am homosex, hear me roar! Well, it's not much a roar as it is like a soft, kitten purr. Meow. Be careful, though. Sometimes I'm a tiger, also. You can never tell, for I am homosex.

You know, at first glance, this suggestion seems laughable and the joke almost writes itself but if you stop and think for a moment, maybe the idea of Chinese people being aliens isn't so far-fetched. I mean, China has some pretty advanced technology and they speak a language I don't understand. It's not that inconceivable that they could be flying around the world in really cool spaceships monitoring us. Have you ever seen an alien and a Chinese person in the same room? No? Don't you find that a little damning? I'm not going to say that I am on to something here but maybe I am on to something here.

There are a number of questions every person should ask themselves prior to purchasing an alcoholic beverage. Do I have enough money to pay for this? Am I thirsty enough to risk jail to steal it? Is this the stuff that tastes like horse piss or was that some other brand? And while all of the preceding questions are important for aiding in the decision making process, they pale in comparison to the real deciding factor. Is this beer vegan? Because I am sooooo all about animal rights and whatnot but tonight is Tuesday and I want to get tore up from the floor up.

Yes, among a number of other powers such as flight, ducking, and being real good at hide and seek. Midgets are the unicorns of the 21st century. Unicorns with really small willies I'm guessing.

The true answer to this question requires a lot more context on the time frame in which it is posed. Did your mom just die? Is she still in the room or did you at least call 911 first? Sex with your step dad after the 911 call is OK. Is your step dad also dead? Is he still warm? Then yes, also. Are you a guy or girl? If you're a guy, that's also OK to have sex with your step dad. At least your mother isn't alive to have shame over your lifestyle anymore. If you're a girl, then no, you should not be having sex with your step dad. You should out at bars getting hammered and having sex with random men your own age. Older guys are gross and creepy.

It's hard to get a sense of meaning from written text sometimes. Like, did he just poop a hammer and is trying to figure out what to do? (I pooped a hammer?) Or maybe he just pooped a hammer and is proud of it. (I pooped a hammer!) Either way, it begs the question of how he ate the hammer in the first place. The search "how to eat a hammer" yielded no suggestions.

Wow, leave it to the internet to open previously unheard of income opportunities for young adults and mid-30's uber-nerds living in their parent's basement. And to think that I gave mine away for free. Oh, how naive I was last week.

You know, I'm no relationship expert, though I have ruined a number of them during my time as an adult male. However, if you're sitting on the computer and the one thing you can think of to type into the Google search box is something centered around asking the internet if you should get a divorce, the answer is probably yes. In fact, I am pretty sure that any question you ask the internet will yield a number of resounding "yes" responses, regardless of the nature of your query. Yes, you should kill a hooker. Yes, you should defecate on your neighbor's car. And yes, you should most definitely get a divorce. The world needs more bitter, middle-aged women who have emotional problems as a result of their first marriage falling apart. Go on, we're waiting.

Well, that's all that we having lined up for today's suggestion session. It's always fun to troll around the internet and find really horrible things to look at and show people. Like, for example, when you first found this website. As always, if you find a great suggestion that needs to be preserved and talked about immediately, feel free to email it to us.