What's shaking, internet website readers? It's your boy, Art "Painted Black" Dodger and I am back with another update centered around the time-honored tradition of pulling letters out of a bag and lighting them on fire. Afterward, I pretend to have read them and then make up some kind of witty reply that has nothing to do with the original point of the letter. Or at least that's what the manual said to do. This is the "Special Year End Wrap-Up" edition of the P.Net Mailbag, aptly named because it was written by a complete retard and it also happens to be the last month of 2008. See Dr. Jennings? I can be clever without my medication.
Actually, I'm just kidding. I'm not really retarded and by jokingly saying that I am, I'm doing a huge disservice to real retarded people everywhere. People like my boss -- and hand job activist -- Randy "Kung Fu Grip" Pollestad. I'm actually not required to talk about him disparagingly in every update, I just choose to do it because it's really fun. It's also a neat game that you and your family can play at home. Just think of the absolute worst insult in the world and then add his name at the end. This valuable diversion can provide hours of entertainment to even the most hardened of ADHD individuals.
Speaking of diversions, look over there! I see letters on the horizon! Let's get to them before it's too late!
Dear Mailbag,
With all that is going on in the world today, I am finding it really hard to get motivated and to be a positive person. Everyone I know is losing their homes, unemployment is crazy high, and with so much violence taking place on a daily basis, I'm finding it difficult to have hope for humanity. I want to provide lasting contributions for the planet but it's hard to find the stimulation. Can you offer any advice?
- Rick
Dear Rick,
Thank you so much for taking the time to write to us with your problems. I know what you mean about it being hard to find stimulation. The effect that other people and their actions have on you can sometimes be overwhelming. For example, this one time, I was watching this porno. It was really top class stuff and I was just starting to get into it. I mean, I'm sure the chick had like 50 diseases but she was smoking hot so my brain was able to ignore that part. Anyway, this guy was going at it with her and he kept yelling out "Who's the boss?" at the top of his lungs. While this might not bother some people, it was very distracting to me because I kept yelling "Tony Danza, you idiot!" back at the television. It kind of took me out of my element. I eventually finished my task but I will admit that for a while there, it was extremely hard for me to get motivated and complete the job at hand.
The point is, I didn't give up and you shouldn't either. Of course, I guess it helps that I find stimulation in erotic thoughts of Tony Danza so maybe I had it easy but even if I didn't, that doesn't mean that I would have thrown in the towel, either. I would have just found some other hunky 80's sitcom reject to fantasize about. Find your own Tony Danza and save the world. If you need any more motivation than that to help humanity, I can arrange to kidnap your child or something. Whatever lights a fire under your ass. We need people like you out there fighting the good fight because I'm damn sure not going to do it. I'm too busy watching porn.
Dear Creators of Filth,
I would first like to start out by saying that I am by no means a reader of your site. I couldn't bring myself to stoop down to your level of filth and perversion. I was directed there by a friend of mine and, to be honest, I am appalled at the blatant disrespect that you and your writers show women. This is not the 1950s and women today are more than just housewives. We're a powerful force in the workplace and recognition of that is long overdue. Please do the world a favor and clean up your acts.
- Diane
Hi Diane,
I would first like to start out by saying that I am by no means a fan of yours but I will admit to being more than a little surprised while reading your letter. Not necessarily because the criticisms you raise are false but more the fact that you used a lot of big words in a somewhat correct order and managed to use two kinds of punctuation. That's 100% more than most of the sluts I hang out with know how to use. While I can freely admit that women certainly have made progress in the workforce over the years, it really all boils down to how you define progress. I mean, world records at the Special Olympics get broken all the time, which is progress, but even if you walk away with the gold medal, you're still retarded.
That's not to say that women don't have a role in the workplace but rather that not all women are suited for it and by claiming so, you're doing an injustice to working people everywhere. Jobs come with requirements for a reason and just because you're a women doesn't make you able to be anything you want to be. For example, if you're obese, have c-section scars, or bullet wounds that are still healing, maybe a position as an exotic dancer isn't right for you and you should look into seeking employment as an auto mechanic instead. Granted, you might not be qualified enough to actually fix my car but in the event of a shop accident, the only casualty would be a women versus an actual, skilled repair person. I hear they are in short supply and it would be a shame to waste them.
Equal rights for all means the right to be equally discriminated against. As an employer, I don't have to hire you just because you have a vagina. Chances are good that I will, however, because I am long overdue for a sexual harassment lawsuit. Also, I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Dear P.Net,
I am Jewish and very much looking forward to celebrating the upcoming Hanukkah holidays. Since I live in a mostly Christian neighborhood, we often get groups of carolers that stop by the house during the month of December. Even though I don't celebrate Christmas, I honestly don't mind the songs but since I don't know the traditions, I'm generally at a loss on what to do when they are done. Can you provide me some etiquette tips for dealing with carolers?
- Alissa
Dear Alissa,
While I can't rightly claim to be Jewish, mostly since I have a debilitating disease that causes my genitals to swell whenever I am near dreidels or latkes, I can still totally side with your people and their indifference for Christmas. Truth be told, I'm not really a fan myself. Any holiday that strongly recommends to people that they should don their gay apparel is not cool in my book. It's not like we don't have enough problems with hipsters and idiots wearing pink every other day of the year, so I don't think that we really need to encourage them to do so on Christmas and ruin the fun for everyone else.
Not to mention that I have to put up with Jesus constantly blowing up my cell phone every five minutes and blabbing like a spoiled 13-year old about his upcoming birthday party. I like the guy but I could deal without the constant reminders. I don't even have any idea what to get him, either. The guy has practically everything and with the recent economic downturn, I can't really afford to get him anything really nice. If you've ever been to one of Jesus's parties, you know that you can just walk in with a gift card or some bauble you picked up on sale at Target. He knows. Plus he's not shy about telling you what's on his mind.
"Really? A sweater? I got freakin' gold and myrrh from strangers before I was even born and you try to pawn off this ugly ass sweater on me? I am Jesus, man. I don't get cold. I mean, seriously, where the hell would I even wear this? It's not like I can totally show up on Judgment day and rapture everyone wearing this piece of shit. No one would take me seriously and I have a reputation to maintain. You better have a gift receipt or something because I am seriously thinking about not admitting you to heaven right now. I thought that we were friends, man, and you go and pull this shit. A freakin' sweater. Jesus Christ! Oh look, you got me so mad I used my own name in vain. Yeah, Dad, I know, tolerance and forgiveness but, seriously, have you seen this thing? It's like he didn't even try! OK, OK, I'll calm down but you're not getting any cake. You better represent properly in 2009 or else."
After that, he usually gives you a menacing glare and kind of does that finger across the throat move when his Dad isn't looking. It's really powerful stuff. This year, I'm thinking about going with an electric beard trimmer or maybe just a travel grooming kit. I'm not implying anything -- I'm just saying that maybe he looks a little shaggy for being our lord and savior. You have no idea what kind of shit is hiding in that scraggly mess of facial hair.
As for carolers, I have no idea what those are and I will simply assume that you just made that word up to try and fool me. You sound hot, though. Holla at me for a hookup!
Quick Answers to Quick Questions
Dear PNC,
With the economy sliding downward like it is, am I better off renting or owning?
- William
Dear William,
Rent. Owning is stupid. Everyone knows that girls go for guys with huge bank accounts, not for a guy who spent $500,000 on a piece of paper that has his address on it.
Dear Art,
I smoke weed like once a week and I'm really sick of people telling me it's so bad. Please tell me why it's soooo bad and why should I stop?
- Kevin
Dear Kevin,
It causes you to lust after white women.
That's all the time we have for letters and I shall officially stamp this edition of the P.Net Mailbag closed. If there is a problem, yo, I'll solve it, but I will probably do so in a way that a) is funny and b) doesn't really solve your problem. I just hope that you're not using us as a last resort because that would be really, really stupid. Kind of like betting real money on hockey games only not really anything like that at all. Until next time, keep those letters coming and I will keep the home fires burning.
Actually, I'm just kidding. I'm not really retarded and by jokingly saying that I am, I'm doing a huge disservice to real retarded people everywhere. People like my boss -- and hand job activist -- Randy "Kung Fu Grip" Pollestad. I'm actually not required to talk about him disparagingly in every update, I just choose to do it because it's really fun. It's also a neat game that you and your family can play at home. Just think of the absolute worst insult in the world and then add his name at the end. This valuable diversion can provide hours of entertainment to even the most hardened of ADHD individuals.
Speaking of diversions, look over there! I see letters on the horizon! Let's get to them before it's too late!
Dear Mailbag,
With all that is going on in the world today, I am finding it really hard to get motivated and to be a positive person. Everyone I know is losing their homes, unemployment is crazy high, and with so much violence taking place on a daily basis, I'm finding it difficult to have hope for humanity. I want to provide lasting contributions for the planet but it's hard to find the stimulation. Can you offer any advice?
- Rick
Dear Rick,
Thank you so much for taking the time to write to us with your problems. I know what you mean about it being hard to find stimulation. The effect that other people and their actions have on you can sometimes be overwhelming. For example, this one time, I was watching this porno. It was really top class stuff and I was just starting to get into it. I mean, I'm sure the chick had like 50 diseases but she was smoking hot so my brain was able to ignore that part. Anyway, this guy was going at it with her and he kept yelling out "Who's the boss?" at the top of his lungs. While this might not bother some people, it was very distracting to me because I kept yelling "Tony Danza, you idiot!" back at the television. It kind of took me out of my element. I eventually finished my task but I will admit that for a while there, it was extremely hard for me to get motivated and complete the job at hand.
The point is, I didn't give up and you shouldn't either. Of course, I guess it helps that I find stimulation in erotic thoughts of Tony Danza so maybe I had it easy but even if I didn't, that doesn't mean that I would have thrown in the towel, either. I would have just found some other hunky 80's sitcom reject to fantasize about. Find your own Tony Danza and save the world. If you need any more motivation than that to help humanity, I can arrange to kidnap your child or something. Whatever lights a fire under your ass. We need people like you out there fighting the good fight because I'm damn sure not going to do it. I'm too busy watching porn.
Dear Creators of Filth,
I would first like to start out by saying that I am by no means a reader of your site. I couldn't bring myself to stoop down to your level of filth and perversion. I was directed there by a friend of mine and, to be honest, I am appalled at the blatant disrespect that you and your writers show women. This is not the 1950s and women today are more than just housewives. We're a powerful force in the workplace and recognition of that is long overdue. Please do the world a favor and clean up your acts.
- Diane
Hi Diane,
I would first like to start out by saying that I am by no means a fan of yours but I will admit to being more than a little surprised while reading your letter. Not necessarily because the criticisms you raise are false but more the fact that you used a lot of big words in a somewhat correct order and managed to use two kinds of punctuation. That's 100% more than most of the sluts I hang out with know how to use. While I can freely admit that women certainly have made progress in the workforce over the years, it really all boils down to how you define progress. I mean, world records at the Special Olympics get broken all the time, which is progress, but even if you walk away with the gold medal, you're still retarded.
That's not to say that women don't have a role in the workplace but rather that not all women are suited for it and by claiming so, you're doing an injustice to working people everywhere. Jobs come with requirements for a reason and just because you're a women doesn't make you able to be anything you want to be. For example, if you're obese, have c-section scars, or bullet wounds that are still healing, maybe a position as an exotic dancer isn't right for you and you should look into seeking employment as an auto mechanic instead. Granted, you might not be qualified enough to actually fix my car but in the event of a shop accident, the only casualty would be a women versus an actual, skilled repair person. I hear they are in short supply and it would be a shame to waste them.
Equal rights for all means the right to be equally discriminated against. As an employer, I don't have to hire you just because you have a vagina. Chances are good that I will, however, because I am long overdue for a sexual harassment lawsuit. Also, I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Dear P.Net,
I am Jewish and very much looking forward to celebrating the upcoming Hanukkah holidays. Since I live in a mostly Christian neighborhood, we often get groups of carolers that stop by the house during the month of December. Even though I don't celebrate Christmas, I honestly don't mind the songs but since I don't know the traditions, I'm generally at a loss on what to do when they are done. Can you provide me some etiquette tips for dealing with carolers?
- Alissa
Dear Alissa,
While I can't rightly claim to be Jewish, mostly since I have a debilitating disease that causes my genitals to swell whenever I am near dreidels or latkes, I can still totally side with your people and their indifference for Christmas. Truth be told, I'm not really a fan myself. Any holiday that strongly recommends to people that they should don their gay apparel is not cool in my book. It's not like we don't have enough problems with hipsters and idiots wearing pink every other day of the year, so I don't think that we really need to encourage them to do so on Christmas and ruin the fun for everyone else.
Not to mention that I have to put up with Jesus constantly blowing up my cell phone every five minutes and blabbing like a spoiled 13-year old about his upcoming birthday party. I like the guy but I could deal without the constant reminders. I don't even have any idea what to get him, either. The guy has practically everything and with the recent economic downturn, I can't really afford to get him anything really nice. If you've ever been to one of Jesus's parties, you know that you can just walk in with a gift card or some bauble you picked up on sale at Target. He knows. Plus he's not shy about telling you what's on his mind.
"Really? A sweater? I got freakin' gold and myrrh from strangers before I was even born and you try to pawn off this ugly ass sweater on me? I am Jesus, man. I don't get cold. I mean, seriously, where the hell would I even wear this? It's not like I can totally show up on Judgment day and rapture everyone wearing this piece of shit. No one would take me seriously and I have a reputation to maintain. You better have a gift receipt or something because I am seriously thinking about not admitting you to heaven right now. I thought that we were friends, man, and you go and pull this shit. A freakin' sweater. Jesus Christ! Oh look, you got me so mad I used my own name in vain. Yeah, Dad, I know, tolerance and forgiveness but, seriously, have you seen this thing? It's like he didn't even try! OK, OK, I'll calm down but you're not getting any cake. You better represent properly in 2009 or else."
After that, he usually gives you a menacing glare and kind of does that finger across the throat move when his Dad isn't looking. It's really powerful stuff. This year, I'm thinking about going with an electric beard trimmer or maybe just a travel grooming kit. I'm not implying anything -- I'm just saying that maybe he looks a little shaggy for being our lord and savior. You have no idea what kind of shit is hiding in that scraggly mess of facial hair.
As for carolers, I have no idea what those are and I will simply assume that you just made that word up to try and fool me. You sound hot, though. Holla at me for a hookup!
Quick Answers to Quick Questions
Dear PNC,
With the economy sliding downward like it is, am I better off renting or owning?
- William
Dear William,
Rent. Owning is stupid. Everyone knows that girls go for guys with huge bank accounts, not for a guy who spent $500,000 on a piece of paper that has his address on it.
Dear Art,
I smoke weed like once a week and I'm really sick of people telling me it's so bad. Please tell me why it's soooo bad and why should I stop?
- Kevin
Dear Kevin,
It causes you to lust after white women.
That's all the time we have for letters and I shall officially stamp this edition of the P.Net Mailbag closed. If there is a problem, yo, I'll solve it, but I will probably do so in a way that a) is funny and b) doesn't really solve your problem. I just hope that you're not using us as a last resort because that would be really, really stupid. Kind of like betting real money on hockey games only not really anything like that at all. Until next time, keep those letters coming and I will keep the home fires burning.
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