As is only proper whenever you meet someone new, I'd like to take a moment to introduce myself. My name is Art "Don't Call Me A Draft" Dodger and I'm the new guy here at the P.Net Campus. It's not often that they let a new guy take care of the daily update but it seems that everyone else is off doing something else and it's my turn to step up to the plate. Before I got hired here, I was panhandling in New York City, living in Central Park and getting sustenance from dead squirrels. A freak home invasion accident left me paralyzed from the waist down and it was all I could do to get by. Actually, I'm just kidding. The worst thing that has ever happened to me was once I broke a nail while fleeing from a rabid mule. I secretly think that Randy only hired me to gain access to that mule.
So, as for being the new guy around here, I don't really get the choice assignments that all the other writers get. In fact, I don't really get much of a choice at all. When you're staring down the barrel of a loaded gun, you pretty much do whatever the boss says to do, even if that means write nasty poems about your sister. Anyway, given that it's been nearly three months since someone last read the mail around here, I pulled mailbag duty this time around. Even though the other writers don't seem to like it, I really enjoy corresponding and interacting with the fans. It gives me a glimpse into the thought process of the everyday man and puts me on a mental pedestal because deep down I know that I am better than they are. But look at me prattle on like some kind of old maid, let's get on to the letters!
Dear pollestad.net,
I could really use some of your sage advice right about now. You see, I am stuck in a dead end marriage and I hate my wife. I've entertained the thought of a divorce but I just know that my wife will bleed me dry if I do. What should I do?
-- Aaron
Dear Aaron,
Thanks for writing in. You say that your wife will bleed you dry? Really? Is she some kind of vampire? I only ask because I dated a vampire once. We got along great but she wasn't much of the outdoors type. Real pale too. She used to scare the crap out of me when she would appear out of nowhere and try to bite me. Her idea of fun I guess. Thankfully, my pimp hand remained strong and she got none of my precious plasma! Unfortunately, I took her on a surprise trip to the beach one day and she died of exposure. How was I supposed to know that she tanned so easily? So, long story short, if your wife really is a vampire, just take her to the beach. If she's not a vampire, take her to the beach anyway. All kinds of accidents have been known to happen on the beach. Drownings, shark attacks, martian landings; you name it.
Hallo!
I am Bulgaria student studying in Middle East. I learn english there so I can come one day to US! I very much like US! I ask my teacher about US and he say it full of infidels. Where I come from, infidel mean friend so I am glad that America is full of infidel! I read website every day to help improve my english! I have learned many thing about drug and homeless people! Haha, homeless people! Homeless people not my infidel! My teacher also say that when I go to US, I blow up! I am excited to blow up because I heard rap song where the man say that he "blew up and it's all good" and I very much like that Biggie guy. I can't wait to blow up with some of the infidels from the US! I will hopefully see you soon!
-- Roman
Hello Roman,
Wow, it sounds like you'll fit right in here in America! After you land in America, you should go visit the White House in Washington D.C. It's a restuarant full of infidels. But you have to tell them that you are a muslim extremist at the door or they won't let you in. Tell them that you are here in America to blow up and then yell "Jihad!" at the top of your lungs. Then they will know that you are truly a friend of the US and they will welcome you with open arms. I wish you success my friend. From one infidel to another, jihad!
Dear Mail People,
I'm having a awful lot of trouble getting my DVD player to work. Can you help me?
-- Nathan
Dear Nathan,
No.
And that wraps up what I am prematurely calling the most successful P.Net mailbag ever produced. Sure, there is a chance I could be wrong but there's also a good chance that you're just an idiot. Life is all about chances and nothing is ever 100%. Like that one time I thought I got this chick pregnant, but I didn't. That was a chance I took. See you at the top, baby!
So, as for being the new guy around here, I don't really get the choice assignments that all the other writers get. In fact, I don't really get much of a choice at all. When you're staring down the barrel of a loaded gun, you pretty much do whatever the boss says to do, even if that means write nasty poems about your sister. Anyway, given that it's been nearly three months since someone last read the mail around here, I pulled mailbag duty this time around. Even though the other writers don't seem to like it, I really enjoy corresponding and interacting with the fans. It gives me a glimpse into the thought process of the everyday man and puts me on a mental pedestal because deep down I know that I am better than they are. But look at me prattle on like some kind of old maid, let's get on to the letters!
Dear pollestad.net,
I could really use some of your sage advice right about now. You see, I am stuck in a dead end marriage and I hate my wife. I've entertained the thought of a divorce but I just know that my wife will bleed me dry if I do. What should I do?
-- Aaron
Dear Aaron,
Thanks for writing in. You say that your wife will bleed you dry? Really? Is she some kind of vampire? I only ask because I dated a vampire once. We got along great but she wasn't much of the outdoors type. Real pale too. She used to scare the crap out of me when she would appear out of nowhere and try to bite me. Her idea of fun I guess. Thankfully, my pimp hand remained strong and she got none of my precious plasma! Unfortunately, I took her on a surprise trip to the beach one day and she died of exposure. How was I supposed to know that she tanned so easily? So, long story short, if your wife really is a vampire, just take her to the beach. If she's not a vampire, take her to the beach anyway. All kinds of accidents have been known to happen on the beach. Drownings, shark attacks, martian landings; you name it.
Hallo!
I am Bulgaria student studying in Middle East. I learn english there so I can come one day to US! I very much like US! I ask my teacher about US and he say it full of infidels. Where I come from, infidel mean friend so I am glad that America is full of infidel! I read website every day to help improve my english! I have learned many thing about drug and homeless people! Haha, homeless people! Homeless people not my infidel! My teacher also say that when I go to US, I blow up! I am excited to blow up because I heard rap song where the man say that he "blew up and it's all good" and I very much like that Biggie guy. I can't wait to blow up with some of the infidels from the US! I will hopefully see you soon!
-- Roman
Hello Roman,
Wow, it sounds like you'll fit right in here in America! After you land in America, you should go visit the White House in Washington D.C. It's a restuarant full of infidels. But you have to tell them that you are a muslim extremist at the door or they won't let you in. Tell them that you are here in America to blow up and then yell "Jihad!" at the top of your lungs. Then they will know that you are truly a friend of the US and they will welcome you with open arms. I wish you success my friend. From one infidel to another, jihad!
Dear Mail People,
I'm having a awful lot of trouble getting my DVD player to work. Can you help me?
-- Nathan
Dear Nathan,
No.
And that wraps up what I am prematurely calling the most successful P.Net mailbag ever produced. Sure, there is a chance I could be wrong but there's also a good chance that you're just an idiot. Life is all about chances and nothing is ever 100%. Like that one time I thought I got this chick pregnant, but I didn't. That was a chance I took. See you at the top, baby!
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