Hello Employee #15294!
Welcome to the P.Net Corporation (PNC) Information Center. This service is set up to provide both new and old employees with a comprehensive collection of memos and company announcements to ensure that everyone is up to speed and operating efficiently. It appears that this is your third visit to the Information Center.
You can also select from two previous updates:
#157 - #169
#170 - #180
Please take the time to read all updates in full as they contain pertinent information which may get you fired if not adhered to. PNC again thanks you for your continued cooperation in both understanding and complying with these matters.
Memo #181, 04-15-2005: It is with unfortunate regret that we must announce that all access and passageways to the fifth floor in building F have been closed down while the police complete their investigation. It appears that Roger from Division Sales died over a month ago and no one bothered to report it. Word from some of his co-workers was that they just assumed that he was really dedicated to his profession. Upper management has since fired his corpse due to a lackluster sales month attributed to his office.
Memo #182, 04-17-2005: Great news! The cafeteria has finally been rebuilt and is back in service. Sort of. Supplies are still running a bit low and the new staff has yet to be trained on proper operations of the new equipment. We would kindly ask all employees to only order either orange juice or fruit until we are back to full capacity. Additionally, we politely request that all employees avoid setting fire to this one as management has stated that they won't build another until 2006.
Memo #183, 04-20-2005: Access remains restricted to building F, floor five. If you need immediate access to items in this area, please contact any member of Facilities. A complex route has been diagramed out utilizing some old air vents and A/C ducts. Wearing of old clothes is recommended.
Memo #184, 04-27-2005: It is our great pleasure to announce a new company-wide initiative available to all employees and their families: The PNC Big Brother/Big Sister Mentoring & Tutoring Program. Are you a single parent that we constantly overwork? Bring your child in for some afterschool tutoring or allow our dedicated staff to spend the quality time with your child that we won't allow you. Refer any questions to your nearest HR representative.
Memo #185, 04-29-2005: We would like to take this opportunity to send a quick "Thank You" to Facilities Engineer Baker. He has managed to find a much easier way into the restricted areas of building F by taking the elevator to the sixth floor and then simply walking down the back staircase. This will allow you to avoid the automated gun turrets that have been placed near the front of the buidling. Management would like to remind all employees that we can always use more quick thinkers like Baker in Facilities.
Memo #186, 05-03-2005: In order to comply with some additional lawsuit settlements, management has decided to turn the newly built cafeteria into a homeless shelter during non-peak hours. This is effective immediately. If you see someone that you don't recognize wandering the halls, first ask for identification and then proceed to shock them with an electric taser. It is likely that this wanderer is homeless and needs to be escorted back to the cafeteria. Employees can pick up their personal taser starting today at noon. Employee identification is required.
Memo #187, 05-07-2005: Management regrets to inform all employees that opted to participate in our Big Brother/Sister program that your children have been lost for some days now. We have currently assigned members of the Security staff to look into and investigate this matter. Until it is resolved, it is recommended to all employees that they choose a homeless person from the cafeteria and pretend for a while. Food workers will be doling them out on a first come, first served basis so an early arrival is suggested.
Memo #188, 05-12-2005: We have been notified of a recent water pressure loss throughout most of building C. After a quick investigation, it turned out that members of Legal and Custodial got together and threw a pool party on the roof. We have assigned staff members from Plumbing to look into the issue and make sure that all water pipes are again routing properly. Management sends regrets to all employees that were not invited as it was one of the best parties of the year.
Memo #189, 05-15-2005: We would like to remind all employees that the homeless people located in the cafeteria are not toys. Poking them with sharp objects and making fun of them is not considered responsible work practice. Providing them with company proprietary work material to bed down on or read is also considered bad form. Additionally, we would like to reiterate that you may only taser the homeless if they are roaming outside the acceptable boundaries. Tasing should not be considered a recreational sport.
Memo #190, 05-17-2005: Thanks to some additional asinine behavior, it has been reported to Security that some members of the cafeteria's homeless have banded together and are currently staging an uprising. We would certainly like to remind all of our homeless inhabitants that uprisings will get you nowhere and any and all participants will likely be crushed under our juggernaut of security forces. Employees are encouraged to either eat out or bring a sack lunch until this situation can be resolved.
Memo #191, 05-22-2005: We have decided to terminate the Religious Needs & Spiritual Healing program due to lack of interest. Apparently, people didn't find the idea of meeting and praying in an abandoned bathroom amusing. In related news, we still can't find the kids of those employees who opted to participate in the Big Brother/Sister program. In addition to a corporate-offered apology, we are giving all employees the opportunity to keep your current homeless person/kid or upgrade to a recent prison parolee of your choice. We managed to get a great deal on some of these folks and we're passing on the savings to you. See HR for details.
Memo #192, 05-26-2005: In what can only be considered a great corporate victory, our relentless Security department has squashed the uprising of homeless in the cafeteria. We have currently offered those involved a truce and they have offered to fill in at various positions around the campus. This coincides with our new announcement of shoe shine kiosks being made available throughout the campus. Remember, if your shine isn't up to snuff, it's free, and you get to use your taser until you feel better about yourself. A special thanks goes out to Muffinbran for his support in quelling the uprising. We are currently reviewing our office pet policy in hopes that with some changes, he may be able to stay.
You have reached the end of all current updates. Please remember to check back frequently in order to catch up on all available information.
Welcome to the P.Net Corporation (PNC) Information Center. This service is set up to provide both new and old employees with a comprehensive collection of memos and company announcements to ensure that everyone is up to speed and operating efficiently. It appears that this is your third visit to the Information Center.
You can also select from two previous updates:
#157 - #169
#170 - #180
Please take the time to read all updates in full as they contain pertinent information which may get you fired if not adhered to. PNC again thanks you for your continued cooperation in both understanding and complying with these matters.
Memo #181, 04-15-2005: It is with unfortunate regret that we must announce that all access and passageways to the fifth floor in building F have been closed down while the police complete their investigation. It appears that Roger from Division Sales died over a month ago and no one bothered to report it. Word from some of his co-workers was that they just assumed that he was really dedicated to his profession. Upper management has since fired his corpse due to a lackluster sales month attributed to his office.
Memo #182, 04-17-2005: Great news! The cafeteria has finally been rebuilt and is back in service. Sort of. Supplies are still running a bit low and the new staff has yet to be trained on proper operations of the new equipment. We would kindly ask all employees to only order either orange juice or fruit until we are back to full capacity. Additionally, we politely request that all employees avoid setting fire to this one as management has stated that they won't build another until 2006.
Memo #183, 04-20-2005: Access remains restricted to building F, floor five. If you need immediate access to items in this area, please contact any member of Facilities. A complex route has been diagramed out utilizing some old air vents and A/C ducts. Wearing of old clothes is recommended.
Memo #184, 04-27-2005: It is our great pleasure to announce a new company-wide initiative available to all employees and their families: The PNC Big Brother/Big Sister Mentoring & Tutoring Program. Are you a single parent that we constantly overwork? Bring your child in for some afterschool tutoring or allow our dedicated staff to spend the quality time with your child that we won't allow you. Refer any questions to your nearest HR representative.
Memo #185, 04-29-2005: We would like to take this opportunity to send a quick "Thank You" to Facilities Engineer Baker. He has managed to find a much easier way into the restricted areas of building F by taking the elevator to the sixth floor and then simply walking down the back staircase. This will allow you to avoid the automated gun turrets that have been placed near the front of the buidling. Management would like to remind all employees that we can always use more quick thinkers like Baker in Facilities.
Memo #186, 05-03-2005: In order to comply with some additional lawsuit settlements, management has decided to turn the newly built cafeteria into a homeless shelter during non-peak hours. This is effective immediately. If you see someone that you don't recognize wandering the halls, first ask for identification and then proceed to shock them with an electric taser. It is likely that this wanderer is homeless and needs to be escorted back to the cafeteria. Employees can pick up their personal taser starting today at noon. Employee identification is required.
Memo #187, 05-07-2005: Management regrets to inform all employees that opted to participate in our Big Brother/Sister program that your children have been lost for some days now. We have currently assigned members of the Security staff to look into and investigate this matter. Until it is resolved, it is recommended to all employees that they choose a homeless person from the cafeteria and pretend for a while. Food workers will be doling them out on a first come, first served basis so an early arrival is suggested.
Memo #188, 05-12-2005: We have been notified of a recent water pressure loss throughout most of building C. After a quick investigation, it turned out that members of Legal and Custodial got together and threw a pool party on the roof. We have assigned staff members from Plumbing to look into the issue and make sure that all water pipes are again routing properly. Management sends regrets to all employees that were not invited as it was one of the best parties of the year.
Memo #189, 05-15-2005: We would like to remind all employees that the homeless people located in the cafeteria are not toys. Poking them with sharp objects and making fun of them is not considered responsible work practice. Providing them with company proprietary work material to bed down on or read is also considered bad form. Additionally, we would like to reiterate that you may only taser the homeless if they are roaming outside the acceptable boundaries. Tasing should not be considered a recreational sport.
Memo #190, 05-17-2005: Thanks to some additional asinine behavior, it has been reported to Security that some members of the cafeteria's homeless have banded together and are currently staging an uprising. We would certainly like to remind all of our homeless inhabitants that uprisings will get you nowhere and any and all participants will likely be crushed under our juggernaut of security forces. Employees are encouraged to either eat out or bring a sack lunch until this situation can be resolved.
Memo #191, 05-22-2005: We have decided to terminate the Religious Needs & Spiritual Healing program due to lack of interest. Apparently, people didn't find the idea of meeting and praying in an abandoned bathroom amusing. In related news, we still can't find the kids of those employees who opted to participate in the Big Brother/Sister program. In addition to a corporate-offered apology, we are giving all employees the opportunity to keep your current homeless person/kid or upgrade to a recent prison parolee of your choice. We managed to get a great deal on some of these folks and we're passing on the savings to you. See HR for details.
Memo #192, 05-26-2005: In what can only be considered a great corporate victory, our relentless Security department has squashed the uprising of homeless in the cafeteria. We have currently offered those involved a truce and they have offered to fill in at various positions around the campus. This coincides with our new announcement of shoe shine kiosks being made available throughout the campus. Remember, if your shine isn't up to snuff, it's free, and you get to use your taser until you feel better about yourself. A special thanks goes out to Muffinbran for his support in quelling the uprising. We are currently reviewing our office pet policy in hopes that with some changes, he may be able to stay.
You have reached the end of all current updates. Please remember to check back frequently in order to catch up on all available information.
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