Greetings fellow readers and American Idol hopefuls, it's time to once again rob the PNC mailroom and force small children from the Philippines to answer each letter in hilariously broken English. Seriously, for the price of a few loaves of stale bread -- which is free considering we stole it -- we are able to churn out quality answers in previously unforeseen amounts. Normally, we'd fret and become furrowed long before we ever actually got anything accomplished. And that damn dog kept barking and stealing our shoes. Bad dog.
So, gather around as we crack open this bag of mail. At least, the bag better contain mail. We fell for that trick once already as the police politely informed us that the white substance we were putting up our noses was in fact not mail. Imagine our surprise! By politely, of course, I mean roughing us up with their wooden nightsticks and dropping us off in rival gang territory. Thankfully one of us knew kung fu. But look at that, you got me all distracted. Talking about mail tends to do that to most folks. I'm wet, how about you? Enough foreplay! To the letters!
Dear PNC Gurus,
I recently had intercourse with a chick who had split personalities. Does this count as having a threesome?
-- SRoss
Dear SRoss,
Only in Indiana. Seriously. Those Indianians are really screwed up people. They run around all day eating mushrooms and convulsing in the street. Hanging out there on a Friday night is like being on the set of "Dawn of the Dead" except that it stars people from Indiana instead of real, live dead people. Often people mistake Indianians for being dead but dead people shower more often and dress a lot nicer. But even then, say you did sleep with this chick and it took place within Indiana, there are still some additional requirements before it can actually be called a threesome. These kinds of things vary from situation to situation and there isn't a Cliff's Notes available to outline the "I slept with this crazy psycho schizophrenic and I'm curious how many notches I need to carve into my bedpost" scenario. So, let's pull an MC Hammer and break it down, shall we?
The first and obvious thing to determine is how different her varied personalities were. Sure, she may have been schizophrenic but if one personality is good at math while the other likes flowers, you're not really doing much to up the ante here. No, in order to qualify, you need two varying behaviors, preferably one normal and the other completely psycho, like some kind of knife-wielding leprechaun. That one was just for example, however, and we honestly hope that you didn't sleep with a leprechaun. Not only is that dirty and wrong, but you probably have herpes now. So, if the two behaviors are like night and day, give yourself a point. You're one step closer to that beloved threesome. The next factor is, unfortunately, how pretty she was. Hey we don't make the rules; we just enforce them to our fullest capability. The rule of thumb for the looks portion is that her two personalites have to bring her "looks" number over 14. For example, say that she's normally a 7. If her other personality is some kind of wild, non-psychotic side and she gets a little rough, maybe that knocks her down to a 5 while in the "other" mode. This would bring her total value for all behaviors to a 12. In this case, you did not get a point and your threesome hope is lost. However, if her other behavior bolsters her appearance, feel free to increase the base value. This may or may not launch you over the top of the threesome high jump. But don't cheat! We know how tempting it is to knock her up a few notches because you really want to impress your friends and your dog but, really, your dog knows. Don't lie.
If you've followed the guidelines above, you can start making your own determination as to whether you just had a threesome or spent all night with some psychotic alien who was out to control your brain and eat all your cereal. If you wake up after a one-night stand and have no cereal, you were not successful in having a threesome. Or you were simply lazy and forgot to pick some up last time you were at the store. Really, we're not mind readers over here.
Dear Mailbag,
I'm a bit ashamed to admit it but I suffer from severe sleepwalking. I'm constantly being awoken by others and find myself in the living room or elsewhere. I've tried all kinds of cures and remedies but I can't seem to shake it. I'm afraid that I am going to get hurt. Can you help?
-- Fran
Hello Fran,
First off, do you sleep naked and are you between the ages of 21 and 26? If so, you may qualify for our "Home Observation" program. This would help our scientists by allowing them to observe you and your behavior first hand, giving us the raw data that we need to make an educated and scientific prognosis. We would, of course, have to take a lot of pictures for careful lab study and thoroughly check your body for lumps. It's widely known throughout the sleep investigation community that prolonged sleepwalking causes tiny lumps to form around the breast and buttocks. Observing these closely would greatly benefit our diagnosis.
But going on the assumption that you're probably old and ugly, you don't qualify for any of that. Sorry. It has to do with the medication we prescribe. It, uh, doesn't work on old people. Fortunately for you, we have a backup plan. We're not about to leave you and your problem stranded like some painted volleyball suffering from a severe case of Tom Hanks' affection. Throughout our time at the world renown PNC Sleepy People's Care Center, we have had the opportunity to observe some of the worst cases of sleepwalking known to science. We also talk with a lot of crippled people. Since we passed basic math and can put two and two together, we've formulated a sure-fire way to stop sleepwalkers in their tracks. It's a little procedure that we like to call "a polio injection." Lots of famous people have had polio in the past, including presidents, so you know you'll be in esteemed company. After a painless injection, your leg functions will begin to deteriorate over the course of a week with the eventual goal of you not being able to walk at all! You'll sure have a hard time sleepwalking then! Oh sure, you'll probably still try and watching polio recipients flop around half asleep on the floor still provides us with humorous laughs. It's either that or amputation and no one likes that. Maybe because we stopped using anesthetic. Who knows.
Call today to schedule a consultation with whichever one of our doctors isn't high on paint chips at the moment. Results are guaranteed.
That's just about all the time we have for letters today. Our parole officer is here and wants us to let the kids go home now. We tried to explain that we smuggled them into the country illegally and that they have no place to go but that only further enraged him. What a moron. I'm not too worried though. I just covered myself with invisible ink so I'm just waiting for the effects to set in. Then I will sneak out the back way and make a clever run for the border. After lunch, maybe I will go to Mexico.
So, gather around as we crack open this bag of mail. At least, the bag better contain mail. We fell for that trick once already as the police politely informed us that the white substance we were putting up our noses was in fact not mail. Imagine our surprise! By politely, of course, I mean roughing us up with their wooden nightsticks and dropping us off in rival gang territory. Thankfully one of us knew kung fu. But look at that, you got me all distracted. Talking about mail tends to do that to most folks. I'm wet, how about you? Enough foreplay! To the letters!
Dear PNC Gurus,
I recently had intercourse with a chick who had split personalities. Does this count as having a threesome?
-- SRoss
Dear SRoss,
Only in Indiana. Seriously. Those Indianians are really screwed up people. They run around all day eating mushrooms and convulsing in the street. Hanging out there on a Friday night is like being on the set of "Dawn of the Dead" except that it stars people from Indiana instead of real, live dead people. Often people mistake Indianians for being dead but dead people shower more often and dress a lot nicer. But even then, say you did sleep with this chick and it took place within Indiana, there are still some additional requirements before it can actually be called a threesome. These kinds of things vary from situation to situation and there isn't a Cliff's Notes available to outline the "I slept with this crazy psycho schizophrenic and I'm curious how many notches I need to carve into my bedpost" scenario. So, let's pull an MC Hammer and break it down, shall we?
The first and obvious thing to determine is how different her varied personalities were. Sure, she may have been schizophrenic but if one personality is good at math while the other likes flowers, you're not really doing much to up the ante here. No, in order to qualify, you need two varying behaviors, preferably one normal and the other completely psycho, like some kind of knife-wielding leprechaun. That one was just for example, however, and we honestly hope that you didn't sleep with a leprechaun. Not only is that dirty and wrong, but you probably have herpes now. So, if the two behaviors are like night and day, give yourself a point. You're one step closer to that beloved threesome. The next factor is, unfortunately, how pretty she was. Hey we don't make the rules; we just enforce them to our fullest capability. The rule of thumb for the looks portion is that her two personalites have to bring her "looks" number over 14. For example, say that she's normally a 7. If her other personality is some kind of wild, non-psychotic side and she gets a little rough, maybe that knocks her down to a 5 while in the "other" mode. This would bring her total value for all behaviors to a 12. In this case, you did not get a point and your threesome hope is lost. However, if her other behavior bolsters her appearance, feel free to increase the base value. This may or may not launch you over the top of the threesome high jump. But don't cheat! We know how tempting it is to knock her up a few notches because you really want to impress your friends and your dog but, really, your dog knows. Don't lie.
If you've followed the guidelines above, you can start making your own determination as to whether you just had a threesome or spent all night with some psychotic alien who was out to control your brain and eat all your cereal. If you wake up after a one-night stand and have no cereal, you were not successful in having a threesome. Or you were simply lazy and forgot to pick some up last time you were at the store. Really, we're not mind readers over here.
Dear Mailbag,
I'm a bit ashamed to admit it but I suffer from severe sleepwalking. I'm constantly being awoken by others and find myself in the living room or elsewhere. I've tried all kinds of cures and remedies but I can't seem to shake it. I'm afraid that I am going to get hurt. Can you help?
-- Fran
Hello Fran,
First off, do you sleep naked and are you between the ages of 21 and 26? If so, you may qualify for our "Home Observation" program. This would help our scientists by allowing them to observe you and your behavior first hand, giving us the raw data that we need to make an educated and scientific prognosis. We would, of course, have to take a lot of pictures for careful lab study and thoroughly check your body for lumps. It's widely known throughout the sleep investigation community that prolonged sleepwalking causes tiny lumps to form around the breast and buttocks. Observing these closely would greatly benefit our diagnosis.
But going on the assumption that you're probably old and ugly, you don't qualify for any of that. Sorry. It has to do with the medication we prescribe. It, uh, doesn't work on old people. Fortunately for you, we have a backup plan. We're not about to leave you and your problem stranded like some painted volleyball suffering from a severe case of Tom Hanks' affection. Throughout our time at the world renown PNC Sleepy People's Care Center, we have had the opportunity to observe some of the worst cases of sleepwalking known to science. We also talk with a lot of crippled people. Since we passed basic math and can put two and two together, we've formulated a sure-fire way to stop sleepwalkers in their tracks. It's a little procedure that we like to call "a polio injection." Lots of famous people have had polio in the past, including presidents, so you know you'll be in esteemed company. After a painless injection, your leg functions will begin to deteriorate over the course of a week with the eventual goal of you not being able to walk at all! You'll sure have a hard time sleepwalking then! Oh sure, you'll probably still try and watching polio recipients flop around half asleep on the floor still provides us with humorous laughs. It's either that or amputation and no one likes that. Maybe because we stopped using anesthetic. Who knows.
Call today to schedule a consultation with whichever one of our doctors isn't high on paint chips at the moment. Results are guaranteed.
That's just about all the time we have for letters today. Our parole officer is here and wants us to let the kids go home now. We tried to explain that we smuggled them into the country illegally and that they have no place to go but that only further enraged him. What a moron. I'm not too worried though. I just covered myself with invisible ink so I'm just waiting for the effects to set in. Then I will sneak out the back way and make a clever run for the border. After lunch, maybe I will go to Mexico.
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