Ah, summer is officially here and we're opting not to do a whole lot around the office these days. Hell, half of us don't even bother showing up unless it's payday. Given that, we're all a bit lazier than usual this week, something we blame alcohol and rampant drug use on. (Note that we didn't say "addiction." Being addicted to drugs is for fools. We simply prefer frequent, recreational usage.) Anyway, given that it's Friday and we couldn't connect the dots or walk a straight line, we figured how better to fill the void between acid trips than to answer a letter or two. Our readers love writing in, asking us all kinds of crazy questions, despite the fact that ignore or burn over 3/4 of the mail we get. It sure saves on heating in the winter time. But look at me prattle on like some kind of elderly person with untreated ADD. Let's get down to business!
dear randy,
why don't you ever talk about dragons? i see them all the time.
-- timmmy
Dear Timmy,
That's because dragons, unlike giant moth people and talking dogs, do not exist. If you have been approached by a dragon, you should exercise caution, unless said dragon is offering you candy. No one is able to resist the temptation of sweet dragon candy and you should do whatever the strange dragon says in order to get some of it. It should be noted, though, that dragons cannot drive cars. If you see a dragon driving or if a dragon is trying to coerce you into a van, that's probably the PCP acting up again and you should proceed with caution. We're not saying don't go -- the dragon may have candy -- but try to use your best judgement. Also, if you ever find yourself inside of a fairy tale-themed park, you may run across dragons. These dragons are not real; they are portrayed by minimum-wage imposters who think it's fun to poke you. Kicking the crap out of these dragons is considered acceptable social behavior.
Hello P.Net,
It's been a life-long dream of mine to become an astronaut, but I have no clue as to where to begin my search for work. I've just graduated college with a degree in Engineering and I'd really like to go into space. Can you help?
-- Craig
Craig,
Our receptionist once took a vacation into space, some kind of Mars fly-by or something. After she returned to work, we had to put her in special quarantine because we feared that she had caught some crazy alien space virus. We later had to issue her an apology because it turned out that she didn't catch any alien virus -- she was just ugly and we never really noticed. We would have blamed it on the decompression if that were us. Unfortunately, you can't fire anyone for being ugly so we had to move her into the basement. We don't go down there much but last I heard she had given birth to a demon spawn and together they terrorize the sub levels of the P.Net campus. That's some strange shit. As for actually getting you into space, we tried out once. We didn't make the cut because apparently it's a space crime to check "yes" on the application where the question says, "Have you ever slept with a Mongolian hooker?" Furthermore, it's also apparently a big no-no to check yes to any of the subsequent questions in that section of the application, such as "Does it still burn when you pee?" and "Is homoerotic literature a turn-on for you?" So, really Craig, we're drawing a blank here. Sorry.
Warm Regards,
After becoming an avid reader of the website, I have become overly fascinated with the P.Net Corporation. I am just finishing up my college degree and am interested in possible employment or intern opportunities. I didn't see anything listed on the website concerning this. Can you provide me with more information? Thank you for your time.
-- Abby
Dear Abby,
First, you sound hot but cut it out with that "warm regards" crap. You sound like a hippie. Second, we are constantly launching all kinds of intern programs around the campus. We recently enrolled Craig in our new space/astronaut intern program. It really doesn't have anything to do with space or becoming an astronaut but he doesn't know that. We figure we can milk him dry for a few weeks before he catches on, becomes bitter, and probably comes in to work one day planning to kill us all. Hey, it's the cost of doing business. On that note, we would love to get you enrolled in our "Accelerated Executive" intern management course. As before, this really doesn't have much to do with you bettering yourself but we do have a lot of boxes that need to be moved around. Plus you can hop across the border and go fetch illicit substances for us when we need it. That's what really counts.
And that wraps up this edition of the mailbag. If you have a dying question or some sort of burning sensation, feel free to drop us a line. Sure, we'll give you a lot of crap and not really answer your question, but that's just what experts do. If you were an expert like us, you wouldn't be asking so many stupid questions.
dear randy,
why don't you ever talk about dragons? i see them all the time.
-- timmmy
Dear Timmy,
That's because dragons, unlike giant moth people and talking dogs, do not exist. If you have been approached by a dragon, you should exercise caution, unless said dragon is offering you candy. No one is able to resist the temptation of sweet dragon candy and you should do whatever the strange dragon says in order to get some of it. It should be noted, though, that dragons cannot drive cars. If you see a dragon driving or if a dragon is trying to coerce you into a van, that's probably the PCP acting up again and you should proceed with caution. We're not saying don't go -- the dragon may have candy -- but try to use your best judgement. Also, if you ever find yourself inside of a fairy tale-themed park, you may run across dragons. These dragons are not real; they are portrayed by minimum-wage imposters who think it's fun to poke you. Kicking the crap out of these dragons is considered acceptable social behavior.
Hello P.Net,
It's been a life-long dream of mine to become an astronaut, but I have no clue as to where to begin my search for work. I've just graduated college with a degree in Engineering and I'd really like to go into space. Can you help?
-- Craig
Craig,
Our receptionist once took a vacation into space, some kind of Mars fly-by or something. After she returned to work, we had to put her in special quarantine because we feared that she had caught some crazy alien space virus. We later had to issue her an apology because it turned out that she didn't catch any alien virus -- she was just ugly and we never really noticed. We would have blamed it on the decompression if that were us. Unfortunately, you can't fire anyone for being ugly so we had to move her into the basement. We don't go down there much but last I heard she had given birth to a demon spawn and together they terrorize the sub levels of the P.Net campus. That's some strange shit. As for actually getting you into space, we tried out once. We didn't make the cut because apparently it's a space crime to check "yes" on the application where the question says, "Have you ever slept with a Mongolian hooker?" Furthermore, it's also apparently a big no-no to check yes to any of the subsequent questions in that section of the application, such as "Does it still burn when you pee?" and "Is homoerotic literature a turn-on for you?" So, really Craig, we're drawing a blank here. Sorry.
Warm Regards,
After becoming an avid reader of the website, I have become overly fascinated with the P.Net Corporation. I am just finishing up my college degree and am interested in possible employment or intern opportunities. I didn't see anything listed on the website concerning this. Can you provide me with more information? Thank you for your time.
-- Abby
Dear Abby,
First, you sound hot but cut it out with that "warm regards" crap. You sound like a hippie. Second, we are constantly launching all kinds of intern programs around the campus. We recently enrolled Craig in our new space/astronaut intern program. It really doesn't have anything to do with space or becoming an astronaut but he doesn't know that. We figure we can milk him dry for a few weeks before he catches on, becomes bitter, and probably comes in to work one day planning to kill us all. Hey, it's the cost of doing business. On that note, we would love to get you enrolled in our "Accelerated Executive" intern management course. As before, this really doesn't have much to do with you bettering yourself but we do have a lot of boxes that need to be moved around. Plus you can hop across the border and go fetch illicit substances for us when we need it. That's what really counts.
And that wraps up this edition of the mailbag. If you have a dying question or some sort of burning sensation, feel free to drop us a line. Sure, we'll give you a lot of crap and not really answer your question, but that's just what experts do. If you were an expert like us, you wouldn't be asking so many stupid questions.