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:: A Journey Through Spam
:: A Journey Through Spam
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Like a lot of things, email spam is one of those things that you either love or hate and chances are that unless you're me, you probably fall into the "hate it" category. I don't think that I can quite put my finger on why but over the past year or so, I've developed a rather unhealthy obsession with mass, unsolicited emails and the people that send them. While most people would be happy if spam went away altogether, I took off running in the entirely opposite direction and created an entirely new persona for the sole purpose of striking up conversations with the people behind the spam. Call it a social experiment. OK, also call it retarded but at least work the phrase "social experiment" somewhere in the title because it makes it sound 125% better than just calling it retarded. I'm pretty sure that I would stop getting all of those neat tax breaks if this stopped being some kind of scientific endeavor.
However, for as much fun as I have had doing all of my Spamtastic Adventures, the emails that qualify to be included there are few and far between. For every Nigerian offering me an opportunity at riches, I get at least 50 others that are nothing more than advertisements for college degrees and cheap mortgages and while these emails are certainly not worthy of a reply, the generic broken English translations and hilarious subject lines at least deserve a closer inspection. And mockery.
So, sit back and strap in as we take an entirely safe journey through the zany world that is spam mail in my quarantine folder. Keep your arms inside the tram at all times and nothing bad will happen to you. Probably. You can trust me. I'm a professional.
Also, I'm starting to question whether some of these people even know how the internet works. For example, I didn't "come by the right address" as the email so plainly states. All I did was open up my email. An email that they sent me. So, perhaps that line should be "if you are looking for a horribly manufactured timepiece that may or may not be functioning at the time of purchase, then we have sent you a link in this email that will probably fit your shopping needs." When it comes to selling watches, I guess logic is the first thing to go.
And that will conclude today's journey through the wide world of selected spam messages culled from my junk mail that I purposely chose because I found some way to make fun of them. I hope that you enjoyed the tour and if you didn't, please feel free to stand in front of the tram while I run over you repeatedly because frankly, no one asked for your opinion. I understand that it may have sounded that way to you when I just said "I hope that you enjoyed the tour" but I can assure you that you were mistaken. If you would like to register a complaint, please feel free to talk to the hand because the rest of me ain't listening. For those of you interested in taking the tour again, we are set to depart again soon, so stay tuned for dates and times.
However, for as much fun as I have had doing all of my Spamtastic Adventures, the emails that qualify to be included there are few and far between. For every Nigerian offering me an opportunity at riches, I get at least 50 others that are nothing more than advertisements for college degrees and cheap mortgages and while these emails are certainly not worthy of a reply, the generic broken English translations and hilarious subject lines at least deserve a closer inspection. And mockery.
So, sit back and strap in as we take an entirely safe journey through the zany world that is spam mail in my quarantine folder. Keep your arms inside the tram at all times and nothing bad will happen to you. Probably. You can trust me. I'm a professional.
From: tiptops8@dogbiscuitsofthemonth.comOK, maybe it's just me but if I went through all of the trouble to buy dick enlargement pills from some stranger over the internet, I think I'd want a little something more promising than random women coming over and wanting to take a picture of my junk. I'm pretty sure that I could arrange something like that with a carefully worded ad on Craigslist. Come to think of it, I doubt that I would actually have to word it very carefully. Craigslist personals are pretty damn scary. Also, I am fairly certain that the only people who refer to a penis as a "rod" are Chinese spammers. I'm not sure what kind of American movies they have been watching but I will bet that they were all made before 1983.
Subject: Women would be begging to take a picture of your fantastic rod.
From: featheriestd7@royaltur.comI saw a commercial for Viagra last night and if I remember correctly, seeing colors after taking a pill is probably good cause for calling your doctor immediately and never trying to buy cheap Viagra over the internet again. Sure, you might go blind and/or die but hey, at least they sold you the medicine with love and care. You really can't ask for better customer service than that. It's not their fault that you had the brilliant idea to mainline it. And now to close with a joke: What is "Viagra professional?" It's the pill for working stiffs.
Subject: We sell the medicine to you with love and care.
Snippet: Make your life better and full of colors with Viagra professional FOR ONLY $1.15 per pill.
From: choreographersasy71@ramaworld.comThere are so many things wrong with this email that it breaks my brain. First, they say if I have issues with my old watch, that I should get a new one but in the body of the email, they talk like I don't have a watch at all. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE WATCH THAT WAS TRYING TO KILL ME? Did he suddenly get a change of heart? Was he arrested by the cops because he violated his parole? I need to know because I don't want to assume that the old watch is gone for good and get a new one, only to have the old watch get released from jail, become jealous, and then really kill me in a horribly gruesome manner that will eventually be made into an episode of Law & Order. With stories like this, it's a mystery as to why abstinence-only education never really took off.
Subject: If your old watch is killing you, get a new one.
Snippet: Are you running late all the time? Maybe you should get a watch so you can schedule your day more easily. If you are looking for a cheap but elegant watch, you have come by the right address.
Also, I'm starting to question whether some of these people even know how the internet works. For example, I didn't "come by the right address" as the email so plainly states. All I did was open up my email. An email that they sent me. So, perhaps that line should be "if you are looking for a horribly manufactured timepiece that may or may not be functioning at the time of purchase, then we have sent you a link in this email that will probably fit your shopping needs." When it comes to selling watches, I guess logic is the first thing to go.
From: musterings0@rcpublicidad.comOh sure, you could make an appointment with a reputable doctor in your area and get a licensed medical operation to enlarge your penis but how can you really be sure that your health won't be impacted? And what about those clinics and internet sellers who advertise cheap drugs via unsolicited email methods? Can you be sure that those won't impact your health? The truth is, you can't be sure but you should totally take our word that Dr. Maxman pills work and they are really good for you because we're not really going to provide any actual evidence to back up our claim. Are you really willing to risk your health? I think not.
Subject: Your ex will be begging for a second chance if you enlarge your tool.
Snippet: Surely you can make an operation to increase the size of your penis or take drugs that are advertised by the number of clinics and internet sellers. But are you sure that you will get no harm to your health? Dr. Maxman pills are absolutely healthy and they will not make any harm to your health.
From: teojjqyh@200.78.218.10.sta.avantel.com.mxHey, you! Forget about all of those so called "medications" that are long acting. Yes, we realize that this is usually a good quality for medication to have but trust us, forget about those. They are no good for you. Instead, you should shop at our pharmacy where we offer a lot of medications that aren't long-acting. In fact, a recent internet poll that we just made up concluded that our medications lasted 75% shorter than the leading long-acting medication. Let's be real: why bother with four hour erection protection when you can settle for a more manageable 10 minute time frame? Be honest with yourself. That's all the time you need anyway.
Subject: Forget about long-acting medications!
From: sinusescj@beachim.comTrue fact: people who are sick don't feel as many emotions as healthy people. Sure, the sit in bed and pretend to be in something they call "pain" but that's just a word that they made up in order to get more attention. True fact: dead people don't feel any emotions at all. So, in short, if you are an emotion junkie, your best bet is to stay healthy in order to keep feeling all of those emotions that you're so addicted to. We have medication to help you accomplish this. True fact.
Subject: Life is full of emotions only when you are healthy.
From: agudn1954@dachdeckerei-pries.deFuck yeah! I'm glad that everything that I just called about is already delivered. Although, that does beg the question as to why I would be calling about it in the first place then. I do realize that this is how you work but maybe I was calling about something else entirely? Like, maybe my order was incorrect or something was damaged during shipment. Or maybe I wanted to place a new order. You apparently didn't listen to anything I said during the phone call because all you did was tell me that it was already delivered. I didn't graduate from college with a degree in business but I am pretty sure that this is a horrible way for a company to operate. Just saying.
Subject: Get Clinton's charming skills
Snippet: You've just called and everything is already delivered! That is how we work!
From: doteumx@bluegiant.comI realize that I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed when it comes to understanding things but I had some real problems with the logic of this email. Firstly, who's partner am I pleasing? Is it my partner's partner? Because I am pretty sure that would be me. Also, what about the successful story of women enlarging my penis? I thought that POWER Gain+ was supposed to be doing that. Where do the women come into play? Is it one of those creams or something that might take two people to apply? Like for the hard to reach places? Also, if POWER Gain+ requires women to apply the solution to my junk, does the POWER Gain+ company supply said women? Is there a proper way for me to start my successful story? Like, should I use "once upon a time" or "in a galaxy far, far, away?" Your email addresses none of these questions.
Subject: Please their partner, increasing your size!
Snippet: Start your own successful story of happy relationships with women enlarging your penis size with POWER Gain+.
From: tqoir@bradarmstrong.comWow! All I can say is that technology is amazing. I remember trying to shop on the internet a few short years ago and I would always run into websites that were closed for the evening so it's refreshing to finally come across a website that is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Clearly someone is thoughtful enough to put the customer's needs first. And it just so happens that they are the #1 drugstore on the web. Well, with hours like they have, I can see why.
Subject: Number #1 drugstore on the Web.
Snippet: OPEN 24/7
From: creaturesnv@barefootcasino.comJust goes to show how wrong I can be. I attributed the fact that I was unemployed to the economic downturn in America, flooding my professional field of choice with many qualified candidates. But it turns out that I'm not getting those call backs because I don't have a diploma. A fake diploma. Yes, I can think of no better way to prove that I am qualified than by forging school credentials and lying about my academic history. I am sure it's this kind of forward thinking that many employers and Government agencies are just waiting to fill positions with. And you know what? I'm going to do it. I'm going to call them and get myself a diploma. A fake diploma. You know why? BECAUSE I DESERVE IT!
Subject: Give us a call to get a diploma.
Snippet: BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT! Is your lack of a degree holding you back from career advancement? Are you having difficulty finding employment in your field of interest because you don't have the paper to back it up - even though you are qualified? If you are looking for a fast and effective solution, we can help!
And that will conclude today's journey through the wide world of selected spam messages culled from my junk mail that I purposely chose because I found some way to make fun of them. I hope that you enjoyed the tour and if you didn't, please feel free to stand in front of the tram while I run over you repeatedly because frankly, no one asked for your opinion. I understand that it may have sounded that way to you when I just said "I hope that you enjoyed the tour" but I can assure you that you were mistaken. If you would like to register a complaint, please feel free to talk to the hand because the rest of me ain't listening. For those of you interested in taking the tour again, we are set to depart again soon, so stay tuned for dates and times.
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Additional Commentary
If I fight with myself in public, people just think I am crazy.
If I beat myself in public, I get arrested.
The nuances of the English language continue to get me in trouble.
Link Of The Day
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4giMyqv0qc
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Some guy makes amazing basketball shots from all over the place.
I want to believe this is real...