Your Name:

Subject:

Comment:

 

Internet searching has come a long way in the last few years. It used to be that for any random search item you were looking for, you had to be prepared to wade through pages of search results before you found one that was relevant to the topic you were looking up. Now that the majority of the internet is indexed, this cuts down the time spent on sifting through search results dramatically which results in you having more spare time. Time you can use to search for more stuff.

But what if you're not sure what you want to search for? Don't worry, search engine technology has evolved in such a way that it will now provide you suggestions for topics based on what you type in. Some of these suggestions are paths best not traveled but that doesn't stop us from doing screen captures and posting about them. And so, we continue with another addition in our Google Suggestions series of updates where we venture to places on the internet that no sane person ever should just to bring you some quick entertainment. No, we don't ask for payment -- we've already got all of your banking information thanks to spyware that we embedded in this update. No further action is required on your part!

There isn't much that you can do to stop us at this point so you might as well sit back and enjoy some more search suggestion gems that we've stumbled across.

This doesn't sound like a Google search so much as it sounds like you bragging to Google about how awesome you and your roommate are. Like, there isn't even room for a question there. It's just so matter of fact. You're typing a statement into the search box because that's how confident you are. What is Google going to do, disagree with you and talk trash? You have a freakin' ninja for a roommate. No one in their right mind would disrespect you. Not unless they wanted to undergo month-long reconstructive surgery while their jaw healed, that is.

If you find yourself asking questions about yourself into Google as opposed to asking parents, friends, or a therapist, chances are high that yes, you are a sociopath. See also: am I a loser?

True story: one time I was walking down the street and this bum came up and started asking for change. I told him that I would give him some change if he could answer a simple question. A joke, if you will. He readily agreed because he was very poor and needed the money for a sandwich. So I said, "knock, knock" and he just stared at me with a blank expression. I threw a penny at his face and walked off laughing because deep down, I am a very cruel person and telling knock knock jokes to people who don't have any doors is a very mean thing to do. The next Christmas, I got nothing but coal in my stocking.

I wonder wtf is up with Google -- guess I better ask Google. Also, seriously, Megan Fox is hot and all but her thumb? What the fuck? That shit totally makes me go soft when I masturbate furiously to her pictures.

My friend says no but I totally once saw this movie where Danny Devito was carrying a child and Hollywood has never steered me wrong before so I figured it best to ask Google so that I can prove my friend wrong. She's totally going to have to buy me lunch once I click "submit" and sift through the glorious results that will surely be in my favor because I once read this science book where it said boys can get pregnant.

When properly seasoned, yes. I prefer to use a little red pepper mixed with a pinch of salt for best results.

I don't know how you plan on raising your own family but to me, religious preference is extremely important when I am choosing superheros for my child to idolize. I mean, seriously, you can't just let your children run around worshiping any old crazy with a cape. Especially if he is Jewish. What if the bank you're in is being robbed.. during Hanukkah? Who is going to come to the rescue? Certainly not Jewish Superman. No sir. I will take Atheist Man as my superhero of choice, thank you very much. He may not believe in a higher power but as long as he uses his higher power to save my stupid ass from trouble, we're all good. I can chastise his lack of faith after he has pulled me out of the burning building.

Yes, yes it does. No need to do any further research. You can just take my word for it. Yes, I have a medical degree and am therefore qualified to answer your question. No, you don't need to check. Facts aren't something you need to concern yourself with at this point in time. You've got teeth to clean. You can thank me when you're done.

Yep, just had a nice bowel movement. I feel pretty good about it. I better get on the internet and tell Google all about it. You know, maybe meet up with other people who have also recently taken dumps. Seriously, why are people blogging/searching for things like this? And why are there three different variations on the same thing? "The dump I just took doesn't qualify as 'huge' so I better type in 'massive' instead to better convey the size of dump that I just took. Afterward, I took a shower.

This search starts out innocently enough. A man simply wondering if he can sell his kidney. We're all going through tough economic times and you do have two to part with. What better way to make a little bit of side cash? Unfortunately, as the suggestions continue, it looks as though someone got a taste of kidney money and since they already sold their own, they probably started to kidnap hookers/runaway children and harvest their organs for money. Admittedly, it's better than a 9-5 job. So, now you have a bunch of kidneys to sell that aren't yours. What to do? Revise your previous search a bit to reflect the new state of the kidneys you are trying to sell. Can I sell "a" kidney? Classy.

I'm no psychologist but I am pretty sure that having any kind of obsession or interest in the bowel movements of fat people is not a healthy pastime to have. On the plus side, I am now writing Obama a letter detailing my theory that, yes, fat people are the cause of global warming thanks to all of the facts that I have obtained from an internet search. Do fat people lose weight faster? Apparently not -- they're still fat.

We've got plenty more idiocy archived so there is likely be a future installment on this topic soon. We don't know how soon because the portion of our brain that was used to plan things has long since been eroded thanks to years of drug abuse and watching Power Rangers. Have you run across a funny search suggestion that made no sense? Send it in and we might just add it to our collection without ever giving you credit for the submission. The field of specializing in internet searching is already pretty full and we don't like to encourage people to get big heads about the whole thing. P.Net: we crush your dreams and profit off of them.

I will admit a certain kind of addiction to this. Once you start finding horrible search suggestions, it's really difficult to stop looking for ways to one-up yourself. You think it's not possible and then out of the blue, Google starts suggesting links to people who eat pimples and pictures of horny zebras.

Seriously.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQ00laVt62c

Top That

This is a scene from the horribly awesome movie, Teen Witch where they apparently decide that inserting a rap battle to further the plot is a great idea.

Trust us, it is.