A couple of months back, I proudly launched the first update in a new series that centered around me asking myself tough questions and then coming up with a bunch of answers which may or may not actually be right. Unfortunately, in all of the surrounding hoopla, I forgot to ask myself the most important question of all: do I really have that many important questions to ask myself? Because if I had asked myself that question, the answer most assuredly would have been no and maybe I would have forgotten about posting the update entirely. But I didn't and I did so now here we are. When we last left off with me talking to myself, we discussed America's fascination with the Klondike bar and what one would do in order to obtain this tasty treat. While that question was fantastic in its own regard, it lacked the one thing that all four of my readers love: sex. (Not sex with me or a Klondike bar -- just sex in general.) So, we start off this fresh new week with an attempt to right that wrong.

Who doesn't love a good porn film? (I guess maybe the pope doesn't but I've sent him a few letters and I think he's starting to come around.) The fantastic writing, riveting plot, award-winning action sequences all add up to a satisfying cinematic experience. But what would a porn movie be without the stars who bring it to life? Sure, they might be dirty, disease-ridden whores who will bang anything that moves but deep down, they are people too. And that's just the guys! Recently, an article was published called Bang A Porn Star For $300 Or Less which detailed the going "escort" rates for a lot of major female porn stars, many of which are under $500. To many a lonely man, this sounds like a dream come true. But is it worth it? Maybe, if you're in it for more than sex.

Today's question: What Would I Do With A Purchased Porn Star?

Make her do yard work.

Turn off all of the lights and tell ghost stories to one another.

Show her my latest amateur movie production, "Pussy Battle", which is basically five minutes of two cats playing ping pong against each other.

Hire two girls to a bake off, where whoever bakes the best pie gets the biggest tip. Loser has to eat the pies while doing jumping jacks.

Play video games and refuse to pay her unless she lets you win.

Tell her that the envelope containing her money is at the far end of an extreme obstacle course but after she ran it and found no envelope, I would say "just kidding" because the money was in my pocket the whole time.

Tell her about Jesus using only sock puppets.

Make her re-enact all of the best scenes from Star Wars: The Christmas Special.

Rent a few adult films in which she stars and ask her to provide in-person director's commentary.

Make her act out the "girlfriend experience" thing. I'd take her out to dinner and have her complain that I've been cold and distant lately and that she wants to see other people.

Compare her to a rental car and spend the next hour making random analogies that point out her inadequacies.

Take her to Hometown Buffet and promise to pay but then, after a plate or two, I would excuse myself to go to the restroom and instead flee out the door, leaving her with the burden of the check.

Make her get a paper route.

Make her scream outdated catch phrases while fake climaxing and then have keyboard cat play her off mid-act.

Refuse to put out and then report her to the BBB.

Take her out to dinner with my family and discuss her personal relationship with God at the end.

Spend the night talking about philosophy.

Force her to play World of Warcraft and then mock her relentlessly when she dies.

Spend the entire evening talking about how I am allergic to women and that her mere presence is making me break out in hives.

Tell her that I am gay and give her fashion tips and advice on wallpaper coloring.

Punch her in the vagina and see if she even feels it.

After she knocked on the door, I would invite her in and then after I had closed the door, I would pretend to not know why she was in my house and call the police.

Ask for a haircut.

Demand unrestricted tri-orifice access.

Hide in the bathroom crying until she went away.

Point out that the dishes are not going to get finished by themselves.

Tell her how much I enjoy blue balls and then only pay for half of the service.

Impress her with my knowledge of her co-workers and explain to her in great detail how much more I respect them because they don't do door-to-door pimping.

Make her dress up in a monocle and top hat and talk sophisticated to her all evening.

Shake her hand and say nice doing business with you.

Throw a "CONGRATULATIONS ON HIRING A WHORE" party and invite everyone I know.

Make her a mix tape.

Ask her what her opinions are of Charlie Sheen or Elliot Spitzer.

Tell her that while she is incredibly attractive, I don't fuck people I don't "like".

Try to barter with her as soon as she steps in the door. "Can I give you $200 and fill up your gas tank and we call it a deal?"

Make her wear 3-D glasses the entire time.

Tell her "Thanks for playing" and send her home with some nice parting gifts.

I'm not going to toot my own horn and say that I am on to something here but I will say that if someone were to make an adult film containing any of five of the above elements, I would totally buy it and watch it all the time. I would send copies out as Christmas gifts because porn really is the gift that keeps on giving, assuming that your hand is willing to do most of the work. And, well, if not, that's why God gave you two.