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Once again, it's time to dig deep into our vault of mail and pull out random letters by written by real people.  Yes, we've got loonies, wackos, assholes, nutjobs, homophobes, adulterers, thieves, and criminals -- and that's the just the mail we receive from elected officials!  Eh, well, moving on.

hi
perhaps you can settle a bet for me and my friend. i contend that there is only one true way to place toilet paper on the roll while he says either way is acceptable. which is it?
- t.p.

Well T.P., hopefully you were smart enough to wager a lot of money on this bet since every sane human in the universe knows that there is only one true way to hang the toilet paper from the roll.  That way being so that the paper rolls over the top and not from the bottom.  I once had a friend in Florida who liked to defy logic and put the toilet paper on backwards just to spite me.  He would send me pictures of his misdeeds and they would cause me to throw up in my mouth.  I think he got eaten by an alligator.

Dear P.Net Romance Dept.,
Ok, I consider myself a pretty average guy but I so totally scored at the bar the other night.  I got the number of this chick who is easily a 10+ on the scale!  Even better, she returned my calls and we have a date for tomorrow night!  The downside is, I am not much of a dater and have no idea how to impress her.  I really want this to go over smoothly so I am turning to the experts for help.  Help!
- Bryan

A 10+ did you say?  You wouldn't happen to be exaggerating now, would you Bryan?  Fret not.  Whether she is the winner of the "Ugliest Nordic Alive" Pageant or she really is as beautiful as you say, leave it to the professionals here at P.Net to make sure your night goes extra smooth.  Now, you might be thinking about which fancy restaurant you're going to take her to and how many flowers you're going to buy her but stop right there.  Those won't get you any action.  After many years of romantic research (and the notches on our collective bed posts to prove it), we have come up with a surefire way to literally knock the socks off your prospective partner: tv dinners and boxed wine.  Firstly, every Don Juan knows that nothing screams class like a case of boxed wine sitting atop your lovely dinner spread.  The smell of cheap Wal-mart candles is a good accessory but not a requirement if you are running short on time.  In fact, you may not even have to get around to making dinner once she sees that you are a man of culture.  Your box of wine will likely already solidify your position as a future husband.  Still, if she is the least bit resistant, dinner never hurts.  And here is where you can pull the coup de grace: a salisbury steak tv dinner cooked to perfection.  She'll go wild for your bits of still frozen corn and that artificial applesauce/pie combo thing that always winds up being three times as hot as the rest of the meal.  Trust us, with these solid gold steps, you can't lose.  Just send us a wedding picture once you two get hitched!

And that's all the time we have for answering letters this go-round.  There is always a never-ending supply of letters because there is always a never-ending supply of stupid people that write to us!  Keep up the good work Earth!  See ya next time.

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