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:: P.Net Mailbag #1
:: P.Net Mailbag #1
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Each and every day, we here at the P.Net World Headquarters receive over ten thousand pieces of mail. This may seem like a lot to the common layperson (you!) but we have a highly trained and dedicated staff whose sole duty is to sort, process, and respond to these letters. When you're as world reknown as the P.Net Institute is, you're bound to attract a lot of correspondence attention. In today's segment, we decided to share with you some of the very letters we receive as an ongoing effort to make you feel not so worthless, to really make you feel like you're a part of something. Hey, it's the least we could do. Bring on the letters!
Dear Randy,
The prescription that you ordered for that genital warts breakout has been shipped and should be arriving at your home in a few days. Thank you for your purchase.
- Dr. Fargai, M.D.
Err, wrong mailbag fellas. Why don't you try looking in the "Correspondence that is not marked private, personal, or confidential" bag. Sheesh, so hard to find good help these days.
dear pollestad.net,
my friends and i realy like the new kelly clarkson album. maybe you like you it too. i think its the graetest. also i like chocolate.
- tiffany
Thank you for writing in Tiffany. Of course we've heard the new Kelly Clarkson cd. The industrial folks over in the P.Net Center For Musical Excellence have done nothing but flood our internal memo system with rave reviews and praise. We fired all of them. Plus we heard that Kelly Clarkson ate out of the dumpster one time. Pretty gross. You should be careful about eating all that chocolate Tiffany. Kelly Clarkson won't like you if you get fat.
To: P.Net Graduate Institute,
I am writing you in hopes that you can help me. My son, Ron, is in the 10th grade. He used to get really good grades but his academics have suddenly taken a turn for the worse. He stopped showing up at school and he gets in fights with other kids all the time. I truly am worried. What can I do?
- Mom Needs Help!
Hello Mom Needs Help! We are very troubled to hear about your son. From what you describe, it sounds as though he either fell in with the wrong crowd or started using all kinds of illicit drugs. He might even be sleeping with men. We're kidding! Well, about the last part. Hah! Got you again. None of those things are likely the cause of this new behavior. And really, you shouldn't blame yourself. It really isn't your fault. The truth of the matter is, your son is probably just an idiot. There really is nothing you can do for him except hope that natural selection weeds him out before he becomes too much of a burden on the rest of us. If that's a little too harsh for you, try this: next time you stop for gas, let him get out and pump. Let him get a feel for how the pump works and make him keep trying until he gets really efficient at it. Why? Because that is probably what he is going to be doing for the rest of his life! Now you've taught your son a valuable skill lesson which he can use in the marketplace. Good for you!
Well, that's all the letters we have for today. We'll be posting more letters from our glorious fan base in a future installment.
Dear Randy,
The prescription that you ordered for that genital warts breakout has been shipped and should be arriving at your home in a few days. Thank you for your purchase.
- Dr. Fargai, M.D.
Err, wrong mailbag fellas. Why don't you try looking in the "Correspondence that is not marked private, personal, or confidential" bag. Sheesh, so hard to find good help these days.
dear pollestad.net,
my friends and i realy like the new kelly clarkson album. maybe you like you it too. i think its the graetest. also i like chocolate.
- tiffany
Thank you for writing in Tiffany. Of course we've heard the new Kelly Clarkson cd. The industrial folks over in the P.Net Center For Musical Excellence have done nothing but flood our internal memo system with rave reviews and praise. We fired all of them. Plus we heard that Kelly Clarkson ate out of the dumpster one time. Pretty gross. You should be careful about eating all that chocolate Tiffany. Kelly Clarkson won't like you if you get fat.
To: P.Net Graduate Institute,
I am writing you in hopes that you can help me. My son, Ron, is in the 10th grade. He used to get really good grades but his academics have suddenly taken a turn for the worse. He stopped showing up at school and he gets in fights with other kids all the time. I truly am worried. What can I do?
- Mom Needs Help!
Hello Mom Needs Help! We are very troubled to hear about your son. From what you describe, it sounds as though he either fell in with the wrong crowd or started using all kinds of illicit drugs. He might even be sleeping with men. We're kidding! Well, about the last part. Hah! Got you again. None of those things are likely the cause of this new behavior. And really, you shouldn't blame yourself. It really isn't your fault. The truth of the matter is, your son is probably just an idiot. There really is nothing you can do for him except hope that natural selection weeds him out before he becomes too much of a burden on the rest of us. If that's a little too harsh for you, try this: next time you stop for gas, let him get out and pump. Let him get a feel for how the pump works and make him keep trying until he gets really efficient at it. Why? Because that is probably what he is going to be doing for the rest of his life! Now you've taught your son a valuable skill lesson which he can use in the marketplace. Good for you!
Well, that's all the letters we have for today. We'll be posting more letters from our glorious fan base in a future installment.
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